Elderly Mother + Family Event

I think it's not totally her decision, since it will take efforts by several family members to make the trip smooth for your mum. But I think every effort should be made to include her, and the family recruited to make it as seamless as possible for her.

We travelled with elderly MIL to family events (weddings and reunions) by both car and plane several times. She was using a walker at the time, but could not walk long distances, so we rented a wheelchair at the destination for ease.

You do not say how mobile she is, or what her personal care needs are. If she is in a walker/wheelchair, plan a break in the drive at a location where there is a wheelchair friendly restroom. They are often advertised, and most restaurants these days are wheelchair friendly. Same with a hotel near the event. Can you find a hotel with a suite; as in two separate bedrooms, so you or a family member can share? We did this with MIL. At the event, she will most likely have a lot of fun and not want to leave early, but if she does, arrange so someone can take her back to her room early if need be.

I wouldn't be worried about exhausting her energy. If anything, having something planned will give her a lift, something to look forward to, give her a chance to see people she hasn't seem for a while, and create fond memories for her.

Take lots of photos and make a little photo book of the event so she can look back on it, since there may be a lot to take in at the time.

When is the event? Covid is a huge redflag that is not mentioned at all
What does your mother want to do?

If those relatives want her at the event so bad, they can pick her up, take care of her needs, etc

You do what is best for her and you

Perhaps suggesting a hired carer for additional support, financed by the family that lives away would help?

Quality of life is more important than longevity, she cannot sit in and wait to die.

My thoughts are that if your mum would like to go then as others have said please take her. If its family you can catch up with them too. There won’t be many opportunities fir her to do this again if she is frail, so as ilovecheese says, just ask her without putting her off with your worries.
I took my frail mum with early dementia, abroad fir 5 days, to see her sister and family. It brought them both such joy and I am so pleased I did as it was the last time they met.

Its entirely her choice.
I would not want other people deciding what was good or bad for me, and making decisions on the basis of that.

If your mum gets mobility allowance, use that to get what help or lifts she may need, if you're unable to do all, or part of the journey with her.

How does your Mum feel about it? I take it she is frail physically and not mentally? Since she is 'elderly' (could be me!) could the trip not be turned into a mini break by including a couple of cheapie stopovers (Travelodge?) thus reducing the daily time in the car. Fact is the elderly tend to REALLY enjoy family get togethers and, let's face it, their opportunities tend to be few and far between these days. I would suggest\request you indulge her no matter how inconvenient it is to you and your sisters. If you have a truly loving relationship with her, just ask her what she wants to do. I've always thought that those of us who are mentally and physically able somehow find a way to do the things we REALLY want to do.

There is no point living for the sake of living in my view! Family events like this can make life worth living for an older person, regardless of tiredness or whatever.

So if she wants to go that is her decision and she should go ...IF someone is able to take her and bring her back as well as do other things in their life etc. She has to accept if that is not possible or she has to accept alternative help - either to get there OR afterwards.

Nannarose has made some good suggestions.

Personally, I think you have to separate out the 2 issues.
1. The decision about going is really hers to make (assuming she is of sound mind)
2. The decision about whether you can support her in doing so is yours / others involved.

I know this is not easy - but I did have to say to my m other in such circumstances "I cannot manage xxxx, which is a shame because I know how much you would like to go". This caused upsets because my mum wanted to pretend that she didn't need my help, and we were going because I wanted to!

If you have an easy-going relationship, you might be able to say "If it is important to you, then I can re-arrange some commitments, but then I might not be able to help with with [something else]

Good luck

I agree with Luckygirl3. I'd hate to miss out on things that would increase my emotional/mental wellbeing simply because I'd got old and frail. Not to enjoy these things would be just existing, not living.

I do appreciate what you say "it comes at a very busy time with other commitments for some of us that live locally so should she require further support it would be very challenging" but have you thought of asking for assistance, should that arise, from your local Social Work Department, or her GP, who could perhaps arrange temporary - or if you asked, even permanent - care in her own home?

Of course, just now with Covid, it's more difficult as so many care staff and community workers are off isolating, but they are still there for any emergency.

Ask her if she wants to go and don't try to put her off with your own worries and concerns.

If she is very elderly she has nothing to lose personally by enjoying a family event. She has to live till she dies; and not enjoying these tings is barely living really.

All you can do is wish her well and hope that it does not increase her need for care when she returns.

It sounds like a lovely treat for her. There are probably few of those left for her.