Elderly Mother + Family Event

Sorry I did not notice its an old thread. Nevertheless the replies are no doubt relevant to problems of 25/06/25

NanTheWiser

Hopefully, Portmeanne found a resolution to her problem! This was posted THREE YEARS AGO!

I wondered the same- second time I've noticed an old post today. Please read the dates Gransnetters!

I know exactly what you mean as I am that elderly frail person asked to a family event.
Much as Nansnet has already written.

Amateur carers such as your relations may well need to be informed what you need . For example:-
* down stairs toilet perhaps with raised seat.

* Car that is easily climbed into and out of.

* Special diet if any

* Care needs for lifting you or any part of you whilst not hurting you

* Help with packing e.g. incontinence pads, spectacles. medications, hearing aids, eye drops, clean under wear, warm cardi.

*If use a wheel chair their house may need ramps or able bodied persons to carry it up steps

*aware of safety hazards such as loose carpets or sticking out furniture legs.

I imagine it’s all sorted Witzend.
IT’S THREE YEARS AGO!

The word COVID was mentioned in a few early 2022 posts .. that was the giveaway..

Will there be somewhere comfortable to sit at all times during the event? And will there be a room with a bed always available if she gets tired enough to want or need to lie down?

Those would be my priorities (having been in similar circs with a relative) - besides the question of whether she does actually want to go. I think I’d want to impress on her that it’s entirely up to her - she mustn’t feel that she ought to want to go, while feeling that it’s probably going to be too much.

NanTheWiser

grannyqueenie

Guessing resurrected by spam!

Correct!

What is the point in old threads getting resurrected though?

grannyqueenie

Guessing resurrected by spam!

Correct!

Guessing resurrected by spam!

NanTheWiser

Hopefully, Portmeanne found a resolution to her problem! This was posted THREE YEARS AGO!

Oops!

I didn't notice. Why do people resurrect old threads and not say they've done so. Do most people check the dates?

Hopefully, Portmeanne found a resolution to her problem! This was posted THREE YEARS AGO!

Talk to your mum and ask her what she wants to do before you even start discussing any obstacles and potential difficulties. Give her the chance to make up her own mind first…….she at least deserves that much consideration.

A relative of mine was invited to a big event 200 miles or so from home. She declined the invitation as the car journey was too much for her. The person holding the event was disappointed, but understood, so all was well until well-meaning relatives got involved and came up with complicated solutions that would have meant lots of people rearranging things and huge inconvenience all round. You know the sort of thing - 'If you could just do xyz and mum could stay with an until Aunt Gladys can do bcd and then. . .' It caused so many problems. If a had been invited, her counterpart on the other side of the family would have had to be asked, with all the potential for offence being caused that these things involve.

The relative had already said no. The car journey was too much, an overnight stay in somewhere that was not her own house would be tricky, so we'd have had to find a way to have someone stay with her, and the hotel was fully booked by this time.

I was so cross with the well-meaning busybodies. She didn't want to have to explain her reasons for not wanting to make a long journey and stay in a strange bed with someone else in the room (largely bladder-related), and why should she be put in that position? I sometimes think that people want to be seen to be helpful, rather than actually wanting to help people as individuals. Just because someone is older doesn't mean they don't have minds of their own.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I am an elderly mother (90) who lives alone and my family , including one daughter in law in particular, know what I feel capable of . Ask the old lady herself what she would want.
If it were my decision I'd say "Thanks but no thanks".

Reported

But could I just add my tuppenceworth to those who said “don’t go, there will be more events in the future,” if the lady is indeed very elderly that may not be the case.
Given that this thread is a few months old now, I hope she went, enjoyed it and has many happy memories - whatever the future holds.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Portmeanne If your description of your mother is fair "elderly frail", and you're right that she will get tired, then I'd advise her against this particular outing.
And I'm astounded that anyone should think otherwise.
I'm aware that the the jury's still out on omicron, but it's very clear that it's highly transmissible. And if you're tired then you'll have less resistance against getting it. It does seem that many people getting omicron are getting much-less-bad symptoms. But the thing no one seems totally certain about is how it will affect elderly people, frail people, and already-ill people. Particularly in the longer-term.
If I were you I'd go through the risks with her, and advise that unless/until there's clear evidence that she'll have minor symptoms if she gets it, it'd be unwise to attend.
(Take a quick squiz at the advice being given on the "would you attend a party of 120?" thread.)
It's all very well for "strangers" on this thread to advise her to attend and be damned but I think that if she waits there will be more get-togethers to attend in the near-enough future.

I remember being the furthest away at all the places I used to work so was the one not drinking at works events and driving home in dark and grotty weather, once I had the temerity to ask if they could move their Christmas dinner event locally to me? I nearly got lynched! Unthinkable!?!?! Similarly if your relatives SO want your mum to attend why then don't they decant their "DO" locally to her and THEY, do the long journey and overnight stay? They're much better placed to cope and afford it surely, or is it not such a big deal when they have to go out on a limb........?

Coconut

My son no:2 has just moved to Jersey and has asked my 92 year old mum if she’d like to visit. She really wants to and I will bring her out here in the Spring .... however it’s going to be a logistical nightmare getting her out here with wheelchair, Zimmer, airport assistance etc I fly back home later today so I’m going to make some enquiries at the airport as to what help is available. She’s quite demanding too, must eat at certain times, and dictates where we should go etc so watch this space ?

I always feel that younger gen. Have no concept of what being old, properly old entails, how could they? Well the same way we can appreciate how hard it is to manage multiple kids on a trip out! They need to really make the effort to put themselvyin others'shoes! It's not simply a case of pack them up and travel.theyre so simplistic in attitude it annoys me.

Portmeanne

My elderly frail mother has been invited to a family event which requires a significant car journey + overnight stay.
I live locally to her, along with 2 siblings , we provide the majority of her care. ( She lives alone )
Some of family think she should go but I have concerns about the impact on her health of such an event.
My concerns are not the event itself but the impact of such exertion will have on her. She gets very tired following such events and I feel it is this that increases her risks.
Additionally it comes at a very busy time with other commitments for some of us that live locally so should she require further support it would be very challenging.
What are your thoughts- have you had a similar dilemma ?

No dilemma here. Just because she's been invited it doesn't mean she HAS to go! I've been invited to weddings abroad, ok vernights to birthdays and other celebrations over the years but have definitely not gone to every single one! Get real

Of course, if she is capable of going to the event without having to rely on others, the mother is quite within her rights to make her own decision as to whether or not she attends the event. If it is case that she might simply get tired, then that's not really a problem. However, she cannot simply decide to go, if she needs to rely on others to care for her. It all depends on what her level of frailty is, and how much help she would need.

As an aside, my father was only 78 when he passed away last year. He had a sharp mind, was very independent, lived alone, and still managed to get out and about into the local town, even though he was riddled with arthritis, and had numerous other issues! Most outsiders would think that he should've attended a family event if invited. However, he was a constant worry to me, and everyone who cared about him. He thought he was invincible, and could do anything ... and he certainly did do whatever he wanted, to the detriment of my sanity, after frequent hospital visits due to falls ... some serious! But he wouldn't give up doing whatever he wanted to do, regardless of the fact that he was putting himself in danger! I loved him dearly, and went above and beyond the call of duty to do whatever I could for him. However, there came a point when I did feel that my life was no longer my own. Yes, he was capable of making his own decisions, but they weren't always the most sensible ones, and it was other people who had the worry, and burden, of picking up the pieces afterwards. I wouldn't have changed him for the world, but I have told my own ACs that I will never willingly put them through the stress, and worry, that my father put me through.

Are the carers allowed to make their own decisions then? Or is it just mother who decides?

It is a mutual decision with honest discussions. As I had with my own mother. I was fortunate that she was able to see and accept her own limitations and also my own needs. If the elderly person isn't able to do that, with honest discussion, then it is even more difficult and can mean the carer may have to make very unpopular but necessary decisions...as had to happen with my MIL!

V3ra my mother is the same. In the last year she has lost more or less all of the limited mobility that she had. Until this year I did everything to ensure that she had as good life as possible. She needed us to do her washing, to do her shopping, to take her to her many medical appointments and we took her to all our family gatherings. I even took her to the cinema a couple of times pre Covid. However now her abilities are severely restricted by her own lack of mobility. She’s impossible to manage even for a short visit to our house due to her inability to access the toilet safely, and her inability to even get up one step to get inside the house. She cannot manage to sit in our armchairs either because she simply can’t get out of them. It’s a simple but true fact that my mother is no longer able to join in family events safely, and I’m not going to live with the guilt if I took her out and she fell, and then was even less mobile. It’s a simple fact that after each of her three falls, her mobility became further impaired.
The OP must consider her own situation carefully. It is not just for the mother to decide. The OP must weigh up the situation, she alone knows her mother’s capabilities, we don’t, and then she should decide if it’s both possible and safe. And she should base her decision on that.

Are the carers allowed to make their own decisions then? Or is it just mother who decides?