Funerals

Tulpia

You told your DH the one day you would not be available. I would tell him he has the choice of either changing the date or accept that you will not be attending.

Agree!

You told your DH the one day you would not be available. I would tell him he has the choice of either changing the date or accept that you will not be attending.

Here is another point.
Graveyards are full of important people who can't possibly not be around for work.

Germanshepherdsmum

dogsmother you have absolutely no idea of what I was doing which meant I had to delay my mother’s funeral. By about two weeks. When I say I had no choice I mean it. Unless you have been lead lawyer on a highly complex major and time-critical project you can’t begin to understand. It is not a matter of work being more important. I doubt you have ever been in the position I was so don’t presume to judge me. My mother certainly wouldn’t have, nor did anyone else.

My son’s a barrister and so I completely understand where you’re coming from GSM.
The point is that even funerals have to be arranged so that key mourners can be there. My MiL sadly died recently and we asked for the funeral to be on a Friday so that our family including our sons could attend more easily. We all live some 250 miles from where the funeral was to be held. It so happened that my son should have been in court that morning (as a judge) but the case was able to be passed to someone else, otherwise he would have had to miss his Grandma’s funeral. It’s not always possible to rearrange work commitments.

I think there are bigger problems here. He didn't go to his mother in law's funeral to support his wife? You both sound quite disconnected from each other

Really interesting the different approaches to life and death that people have. No my OH has not changed the date. He refused to even talk to the funeral director. He has already told school our daughter will be out two full days. I have asked work, but as I say it is going to be difficult and I don’t know if I will be allowed to go. I hold a quite senior position and so my not being there will create masses more work for quite a few other people. That isn’t to say it couldn’t be done. I’m sure my OH will cope fine without me. I coped fine when I went to my mother’s funeral on my own, as he didn’t come.

Just to confirm, I didn’t have the party ?

Me I’m suspicious of a fair number of posts.

I had socks for Christmas and I made puppets out of them?

Peasblossom

My sister arranged her husbands funeral for the day of my 60th birthday party.

She was too upset to think and I completely understood how the loss of someone you love leaves you barely able to to get through the day, let alone think about other peoples concerns.

His mother has died.

Yes, I went to a funeral of someone who wasn't even a relative of mine on my 70th birthday. I was fond of him and could celebrate on a different day. I felt it was important to go to support family members.

His mother has died.

It doesn't seem that important to the OP, just MIL being inconvenient (probably again).

Really, some of these threads lately stretch credulity to the limit.

It would be nice to hear back from OP as to whether her husband changed the date.

I doubt many people would.

Well, as I said, we are all different, but I wouldn't dream of giving my husband any ultimatums when he was about to bury his mother.

I am finding your husbands attitude really peculiar. Like he is setting you up to fail.

He went to work and arranged it all and not at one moment did he think "I need to let my wife know before Tom, Dick & Harry"

Grief is not an excuse for continued poor behaviour. He had a lapse in judgment and now that it has been pointed out it is for him to correct.

I would give him two options and then tell him the conversation is over until he gives you your decision.

1. He changes the date and you attend.
2. He does not and you do not.

Chewbacca

^surely if her husband had wanted her support, he wouldn't have booked it on that day^

Alternatively, her husband could have been struggling with the enormity of what he was having to sort out in the aftermath of his mother's death and maybe he wasn't thinking straight. Anyone who has been bereaved knows just how much there is to do, just at the time you're in a state of shock and trying to hold it all together - even if their loved one's death was expected. Just a thought.....

I agree. Pretty shocked by this thread.

Doesn't take much to confuse 'em Razzy!

Are you sure?

Chewbacca yesterday mentioned ACAS and I was replying to that in my post yesterday. I never said anything about working for them - I don’t!

Gosh, this whole thread has doubly reinforced my arranged plan not to have a funeral. Hallelujah!

Hithere

In this case, the husband refuses to change the date of the funeral, a date he did not ask OP if she could attend.

Would you also refuse to change the date to accommodate your dh's needs?

No, personally I would probably reluctantly consider changing the date of the funeral. But, if I had made all the arrangements and told all those attending of the date, I would first ask if my partner could change the date of their work commitment. Arranging the funeral of a close relative is obviously a very emotional process; maybe the OPs husband just couldn't face going through the whole rigmarole again (I am sure I wouldn't). Yes, he should have consulted his wife before setting the date, but he didn't and the damage is done; even though he is 'at fault' I couldn't consider not attending my husband's mother's funeral.

This is about changing the date of the funeral if the boot was on the other foot, it was your mother and husband’s pressing work meeting as I understand it, hence I said I would not adopt the unreasonable stance OP’s husband has.

Would you also refuse to change the date to accommodate your dh's needs?

If it was because his mother had just died; yes.

No I wouldn’t

In this case, the husband refuses to change the date of the funeral, a date he did not ask OP if she could attend.

Would you also refuse to change the date to accommodate your dh's needs?

Hithere

Curly

Would you also refuse to address his constraint and compromise?

Sorry Hithere, not quite sure what you mean? Life is one big compromise; I'm very easygoing (my husband not so much), but there are certain things we both agree on: family comes first. Works for us.

dogsmother you have no idea of my situation. Kindly refrain from making insulting comments about something you know nothing of and clearly don’t understand. Don’t insult me by talking about perception. I have spoken of reality. My reality. Which was and always will be very painful.

1. What I find disturbing is that a husband and wife can’t sit together and talk it through.

2. The missing school thing is nonsense, as Maw says a couple of days of no school will not have a huge impact.

3. Clearly the work thing is pretty important but I repeat what I said in point 1. !