Funerals

Is it possible to contact the funeral director, explain what's happened and asked if another date could be arranged?

Why did your husband pick the my day you cannot make?

You and your daughter can choose not to go.
How old is she?

The only day

Condolences regarding your MiL. Don't quite understand this. Do you think he did this on purpose or by accident? Why do you have to go? Your MiL was aware of your relationship with her, presumably, therefore this negates the necessity to attend. I would have no wishes of my DiL once I'm gone and would understand comp!etely.

My OH thinks we should all go and pay respects to his mother. He also is arranging a wake afterwards; I am not even sure how these work now with Covid rules. I told him to check with me before booking the date but he just booked it anyway, told other family members then told me. It also is on a day he doesn’t work anyway. If it was a Monday our daughter would only muss one day of school. Perhaps there are not many burial slots?

I suppose that you have asked him why he chose that date, the only date that would be difficult for you to attend? It could well be that he didn't get many options but I would think that you would question his decision. Your response would be driven by his answer.

It's worth contacting the funeral director Razzy to ask if another date is available. And preferably before the venue for the wake is booked.

Does your daughter even want to go to the funeral?
If not, could she stay with friends?

Has your OH been like this before or is the grief talking?

My OH refuses to even discuss changing the date.

OP

How long have you been together?

He cannot have his cake and eat it too.

How much going to this funeral would impact your employment?

If you cave and it is harmful for your career, it sends the message that your voice doesn't matter

That's unfortunate Razzy and it leaves you with the problem of having to decide whether to attend the funeral or your important work meeting. Is there any chance that the work meeting could be moved forwards or back a day or two?

You don't have to attend, just decide which is more important to you.

I’m surprised to put it mildly that you should ask if the daughter wants to be at her grandmothers funeral - or is she very young?
This is your husbands mother we are talking about.
Sensitive area I’m afraid.

I would just state

"As previously mentioned I can not make that date. I do hope everything goes smooth. Let me know if I can help at all but I will not be attending. Either day"

Maybemaw

Funerals are for the living and not everybody is willing to attend them

A child, as a person, has the right to decide too

There are dates available the following week, it could be on a Monday so daughter only misses one day of school, but he says I am being unreasonable…

If it is his grief, could talking to a therapist help?

If in the past, it has been his way or the highway, you should stand up for yourself and your daughter

How about setting up a zoom link for the funeral? I am sure plenty of people would join that way

Aah, he didn't know your actual unavailable date..... That's different but still inconsiderate. I still wouldn't attend under that sort of pressure but certainly difficult regarding your daughter.

Razzy

My OH refuses to even discuss changing the date.

He asked you about dates. You gave him one particular date - and presumably the reason why you would prefer him not to book on that particular day. And asked him to consult with you prior to booking.

So he goes ahead, books the very date on which it's difficult for you to attend, didn't consult you and told everyone else before he told you.

And now refuses to discuss changing the date.

I think it's fairly obvious who's being unreasonable here, without even bringing your daughter into the equation.

I assume your workplace will understand - they usually do with funerals for family members and I also assume someone will fill you in later on all the changes being made - albeit that these will have been done without your input.

I suppose spending the night prior to the funeral in a hotel and the subsequent wake are more or less irrelevant - but this appears to have surprised you, too!

If he was close to his mother then I guess it's important to him, but he has certainly shown scant respect to you!

If I were in your shoes, I'd go and be as gracious as possible. But I'd certainly be having a 'conversation' at the right time afterwards about his lack of consideration and respect towards you.

I don’t think YOU are the one being unreasonable here. Strange behaviour at best.

We discussed dates and I asked him to let me know once he had some dates. He didn’t. He chose the date, told everyone else, I was an afterthought. I had told him I had a meeting in Jan that was vital as involves co-ordinating a large number of people. Literally any other work day I would just take the day off, change meetings etc. I just didn’t know if I was being unreasonable to expect him to at least try to work out the possible dates for the funeral before telling everyone. I was the last to know it seems.

I can never understand why people are expected to go to any funeral. If it’s something that you feel is right for you then that is fine. I ‘m sure we all have differing views . Personally I only go to funerals of people who were close relatives or friends. I know others who go to when they hardly knew somebody.
It is nothing to do with respect, that should be shown while a person is alive. Going to a funeral shows nothing but the fact that you went.
Recently, my DH went to the funeral of someone he used to work with. We had to change some fairly important arrangements in order for him to attend . He hadn’t been in touch with this person for around 8 years and I have to admit I found it a bit hypocritical.
How strange that one can’t travel to see someone while they are alive but as soon as they die it can be managed.
I expect many will not be in agreement with my view.

Hithere

Maybemaw

Funerals are for the living and not everybody is willing to attend them

A child, as a person, has the right to decide too

And the living include the family of the departed. One attends not only out of respect or to say goodbye but to celebrate a life and for most of us, children and grandchildren are a big part of that life. One also attends for the mutual support a funeral or memorial service affords for those bereaved, sharing memories, grief, certainly but also the good memories and some smiles.
Having our three daughters speak at Paw’s funeral and our SILs offering to act as pall bearers was for me a powerful statement of our strength as a family. Our older grandchildren walked on my either side going into the church , the youngest staying with a friend for the service.
As a mother, one of the things I love most is to have my whole family together , not necessarily focused on me, but being with each other. One day I won’t actually be there in the accepted sense, but hope and trust that they will very much want to come together.

But if that does not fit in with real life events then unfortunately attendance is not compulsory and not a necessity.

OPs DH has made a choice that means others may not be able to attend.
The day will still go ahead.