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(164 Posts)
Razzy Tue 04-Jan-22 18:25:49

Hi. My mother-in-law has died, she was ill for a long time and her family rarely saw her as they live some distance. My OH is arranging the funeral and asked me about dates. I told him I had only one really vital day I needed to be at work, as we have the whole team in and discuss and plan major changes. It is particularly important this year. I told him to let me know potential dates. This evening he has told me the funeral is going to be on that one day. Not only that but he says we are going to go down the day before and spend the day/night in a hotel. We never normally would stay the night when driving there. Of course I know I will have to go to the funeral but AIBU to be annoyed? My daughter is upset as she will miss 2 days of school instead of one.

Chewbacca Tue 04-Jan-22 18:27:49

Is it possible to contact the funeral director, explain what's happened and asked if another date could be arranged?

Hithere Tue 04-Jan-22 18:28:41

Why did your husband pick the my day you cannot make?

You and your daughter can choose not to go.
How old is she?

Hithere Tue 04-Jan-22 18:29:25

The only day

Kim19 Tue 04-Jan-22 18:33:27

Condolences regarding your MiL. Don't quite understand this. Do you think he did this on purpose or by accident? Why do you have to go? Your MiL was aware of your relationship with her, presumably, therefore this negates the necessity to attend. I would have no wishes of my DiL once I'm gone and would understand comp!etely.

Razzy Tue 04-Jan-22 18:38:41

My OH thinks we should all go and pay respects to his mother. He also is arranging a wake afterwards; I am not even sure how these work now with Covid rules. I told him to check with me before booking the date but he just booked it anyway, told other family members then told me. It also is on a day he doesn’t work anyway. If it was a Monday our daughter would only muss one day of school. Perhaps there are not many burial slots?

Daisymae Tue 04-Jan-22 18:39:41

I suppose that you have asked him why he chose that date, the only date that would be difficult for you to attend? It could well be that he didn't get many options but I would think that you would question his decision. Your response would be driven by his answer.

Chewbacca Tue 04-Jan-22 18:41:14

It's worth contacting the funeral director Razzy to ask if another date is available. And preferably before the venue for the wake is booked.

Hithere Tue 04-Jan-22 18:48:48

Does your daughter even want to go to the funeral?
If not, could she stay with friends?

Has your OH been like this before or is the grief talking?

Razzy Tue 04-Jan-22 18:51:43

My OH refuses to even discuss changing the date.

Hithere Tue 04-Jan-22 18:56:39


How long have you been together?

He cannot have his cake and eat it too.

How much going to this funeral would impact your employment?

If you cave and it is harmful for your career, it sends the message that your voice doesn't matter

Chewbacca Tue 04-Jan-22 18:57:35

That's unfortunate Razzy and it leaves you with the problem of having to decide whether to attend the funeral or your important work meeting. Is there any chance that the work meeting could be moved forwards or back a day or two?

Hetty58 Tue 04-Jan-22 19:05:57

You don't have to attend, just decide which is more important to you.

MayBeMaw Tue 04-Jan-22 19:15:01

I’m surprised to put it mildly that you should ask if the daughter wants to be at her grandmothers funeral - or is she very young?
This is your husbands mother we are talking about.
Sensitive area I’m afraid.

Bibbity Tue 04-Jan-22 19:15:28

I would just state

"As previously mentioned I can not make that date. I do hope everything goes smooth. Let me know if I can help at all but I will not be attending. Either day"

Hithere Tue 04-Jan-22 19:18:41


Funerals are for the living and not everybody is willing to attend them

A child, as a person, has the right to decide too

Razzy Tue 04-Jan-22 19:23:46

There are dates available the following week, it could be on a Monday so daughter only misses one day of school, but he says I am being unreasonable…

Hithere Tue 04-Jan-22 19:27:14

If it is his grief, could talking to a therapist help?

If in the past, it has been his way or the highway, you should stand up for yourself and your daughter

How about setting up a zoom link for the funeral? I am sure plenty of people would join that way

Kim19 Tue 04-Jan-22 19:32:02

Aah, he didn't know your actual unavailable date..... That's different but still inconsiderate. I still wouldn't attend under that sort of pressure but certainly difficult regarding your daughter.

Dickens Tue 04-Jan-22 19:32:14


My OH refuses to even discuss changing the date.

He asked you about dates. You gave him one particular date - and presumably the reason why you would prefer him not to book on that particular day. And asked him to consult with you prior to booking.

So he goes ahead, books the very date on which it's difficult for you to attend, didn't consult you and told everyone else before he told you.

And now refuses to discuss changing the date.

I think it's fairly obvious who's being unreasonable here, without even bringing your daughter into the equation.

I assume your workplace will understand - they usually do with funerals for family members and I also assume someone will fill you in later on all the changes being made - albeit that these will have been done without your input.

I suppose spending the night prior to the funeral in a hotel and the subsequent wake are more or less irrelevant - but this appears to have surprised you, too!

If he was close to his mother then I guess it's important to him, but he has certainly shown scant respect to you!

If I were in your shoes, I'd go and be as gracious as possible. But I'd certainly be having a 'conversation' at the right time afterwards about his lack of consideration and respect towards you.

Urmstongran Tue 04-Jan-22 19:35:26

I don’t think YOU are the one being unreasonable here. Strange behaviour at best.

Razzy Tue 04-Jan-22 19:36:17

We discussed dates and I asked him to let me know once he had some dates. He didn’t. He chose the date, told everyone else, I was an afterthought. I had told him I had a meeting in Jan that was vital as involves co-ordinating a large number of people. Literally any other work day I would just take the day off, change meetings etc. I just didn’t know if I was being unreasonable to expect him to at least try to work out the possible dates for the funeral before telling everyone. I was the last to know it seems.

ginny Tue 04-Jan-22 19:38:39

I can never understand why people are expected to go to any funeral. If it’s something that you feel is right for you then that is fine. I ‘m sure we all have differing views . Personally I only go to funerals of people who were close relatives or friends. I know others who go to when they hardly knew somebody.
It is nothing to do with respect, that should be shown while a person is alive. Going to a funeral shows nothing but the fact that you went.
Recently, my DH went to the funeral of someone he used to work with. We had to change some fairly important arrangements in order for him to attend . He hadn’t been in touch with this person for around 8 years and I have to admit I found it a bit hypocritical.
How strange that one can’t travel to see someone while they are alive but as soon as they die it can be managed.
I expect many will not be in agreement with my view.

MayBeMaw Tue 04-Jan-22 19:40:33



Funerals are for the living and not everybody is willing to attend them

A child, as a person, has the right to decide too

And the living include the family of the departed. One attends not only out of respect or to say goodbye but to celebrate a life and for most of us, children and grandchildren are a big part of that life. One also attends for the mutual support a funeral or memorial service affords for those bereaved, sharing memories, grief, certainly but also the good memories and some smiles.
Having our three daughters speak at Paw’s funeral and our SILs offering to act as pall bearers was for me a powerful statement of our strength as a family. Our older grandchildren walked on my either side going into the church , the youngest staying with a friend for the service.
As a mother, one of the things I love most is to have my whole family together , not necessarily focused on me, but being with each other. One day I won’t actually be there in the accepted sense, but hope and trust that they will very much want to come together.

Bibbity Tue 04-Jan-22 19:44:51

But if that does not fit in with real life events then unfortunately attendance is not compulsory and not a necessity.

OPs DH has made a choice that means others may not be able to attend.
The day will still go ahead.