Funerals

My main question was if I was unreasonable to expect my OH to discuss dates with me (as planned) knowing there was only one day I couldn’t do. I understand he is grieving, but I didn’t get why he would want to choose the one day that puts me in a dire position with my employer, when literally any other date would be no problem. I will of course talk to my employer to see if it is possible to go, but according to my contract it is not a given and depends on work needs.

So, are you so vexed with your OH (probably due to grief confusion,) that he made a mistake and didn't involve you in booking the arrangements and now you won't go with him? Or are you willing to speak to your employer to see if a compromise can be reached? If the funeral date isn't going to be changed, for whatever reason, it's you that's left with a decision to make. And only you can make it.

I didn’t know the exact date when he asked me, I didn’t have my calendar with me, so we agreed to discuss dates. Never happened!

You've been some excellent suggestions on here Razzle but none of them seem to have been any help so it looks as though you'll just have to make a decision, one way or the other and suck up that either your husband, or your employer, is going to be disappointed. Only you can make that decision and I wish you well with it, whatever you decide.

If it’s been in the diary for ages, why didn’t you tell him the exact date?

It doesn’t make sense?

I think if it was me, I’d send flowers/charity donation, to show a friendly tone to your other relatives, but I wouldn’t go myself. I’d try to keep explanations, to enquiring relatives, light and blame-free as much as I could, tho truthful if push comes to shove - (which is probably more than OH deserves, but it’s nice to be nice..) And I’d arrange for daughter to go to her nan’s funeral - or, even better, let OH make all the arrangements for her to go with him - and he can try to change things for her to only miss 1 school day, or explain to her his reasons why not. But she should go to her nan’s funeral, and she may feel very regretful later if she doesn’t.

Then, you must make your choice and live with any consequences. Only you can decide really.

I’ve stated a number of times that I would of course cancel the night out no question. ACAS is not the same as an employer. I have read my policy and it clearly states that I would not have automatic right to time off. Yes they may show compassion but the meeting will not be rearranged, it has been in the diary ages and is setting procedures for a major change. Yes I could miss it and catch up individually with everyone at the meeting, in my own time, over the next month so I could support OH. I rarely saw my OH’s mother, most of her family saw her once a year if that. One of the other in-laws is not coming for practical reasons but some other family members are going.

My MiL has just died. We didn’t have a particularly close relationship over the years but I will go to her funeral to support my DH, her son. It would not occur to me to miss it. All companies give compassionate leave for a family funeral in this day and age. Grandchildren, unless very young, can go to understand what happens. If the OPs daughter doesn’t want to go then she should not be forced to do so. There’s a lack of communication here but also a man is in distress because his mother has died, he is organising her funeral which, as we all know, is a complex thing at the best of times. Nights out with friends are unimportant in the context and circumstances and can be rearranged surely?

Paddyann's post summed it up perfectly. I'd be very surprised if any employer in the U.K. didn't approve leave for the OP to attend her MIL's funeral. This is covered by ACAS:

Employers should be compassionate towards a person’s individual situation and should take into account that everyone deals with death differently.

Employers should not discriminate against employees when deciding on time off. For example, not allowing an employee to attend a religious ceremony after a death could be indirect religious discrimination. Employers and employees should agree together how an employee takes time off for both religious and non-religious funerals.

I'd definitely ask either for time off for the funeral or for the meeting to be rearranged Razzy.

When I've arranged funerals the pressure, grief and unusual situation has made me muddled. Perhaps your DH was just in a state and forgot the date you gave him.

I once put my grandfather's teeth and suit (meant to be taken to the undertaker for dressing my grandpa) in a street bin in my confusion. I arrived at the undertakers with a bag of lunch packaging and my DH had to go back to the bin to fish the right bag out!!

There will be other work meetings, other birthdays with friends, other school days, but only one MIL funeral and only one chance for you and your daughter to hold your husband's hand through it.

And then they need to use critical thinking and determine if the person who wasn't there couldn't be there.

The dead don’t know, but the living do.

They know when the the person they looked to for love and support wasn’t there for them.

?

sorry Paddyann

I'm amazed and shocked at some people's attitude to the death of a close family member. What is happening to (some) people nowadays?
I agree wholeheartedly with &Paddyann* and others.

It's a mark of respect to the person who has died, and not something I would miss if at all possible.

many people now decide not to have a funeral service . it is not lack of respect but a reflection of the change in attitudes to death. my in-laws had no funeral service , my brother had no funeral service and it is in our wills not to have a funeral service. let us face it- the dead don't know if you are there or not

Peasblossom

If as an employer I didn’t consider a MIL immediate family, I would certainly consider supporting a husband as a priority.

Whether it was sickness, a funeral or any other family crisis.

I’m glad I offered that to my staff and I believe it was repaid a thousandfold in their work and commitment.

“The measure you give is the measure you get back”

It applies in so much of life, including marriage.

OK...but the employer decides wether or not you get the time off. And considering how urgent the meeting is they may not allow the OP leave.
Which is why she wanted to check the date with her husband before he arranged it.

People don't get to dictate things to their employer.

I do want to go. OH said we’d discuss dates. He then booked it without discussing. Thank you to those who mentioned bereavement leave and work - I hadn’t even considered work might refuse my request. It seems the policy would not give automatic time off for the funeral at all. So it may not even be approved. I appreciate some have said funeral comes before job - would you be sacked and go to the funeral? Or not go if not approved? (I haven’t approached my boss yet). If I do get leave it will be only one day.

If as an employer I didn’t consider a MIL immediate family, I would certainly consider supporting a husband as a priority.

Whether it was sickness, a funeral or any other family crisis.

I’m glad I offered that to my staff and I believe it was repaid a thousandfold in their work and commitment.

“The measure you give is the measure you get back”

It applies in so much of life, including marriage.

I am so glad I have read some of the recent posts as I was beginning to think I was in a definite minority thinking that supporting your DH who has lost his mother or that wanting to be there to celebrate the life of a mum in law or gran rated above work or a school day might be an obvious choice.
Perhaps there is not much love lost there?
I dont see it as an obligation but something I would always see as a priority.
Mums don't seem to be getting getting much of a deal these days - dead or alive.

And again people need to realise their privilege of being able to choose a funeral over work.
A MIL is not immediate family and leave may not be approved.

So the husband failed to coordinate with the wife, knowing she had a work commitment and assumed his choice was going to work anyway

He also told all the relatives and she was the last to know

If you want someone's support, keeping them in the loop is basic common courtesy

His fault, not OP's

I feel the same paddyann and GrannyLaine.

I agree with you paddyanne.
We are going to a family funeral this Thursday too. We had flights to Spain booked for yesterday but chose to let the plane go without us and fly out on Friday instead. No refund. Those days are gone and Mr. O’Leary does like to hang onto his ticket sales. As with all things in life, it comes down to choices. I have made mine. I didn’t even have to think about it.