Funerals

paddyann54

What a strange world it's become,there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid ,now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
I am so grateful my family rally round when times are troubled .I truly dont understand why anyone would think her husband should go to his mothers funeral alone ,unsupported by his nearest and dearest .
For what its worth we've had 3 funerals since just before Christmas with a 4th this Thursday .I hate funerals but I would rather grit my teeth and support my loved ones and friends who have lost family members ,isn't that what families do?

paddyann54
Completely agree with you. Attending a funeral is an important part in the process of mourning a loved one. The love and total support of my family around me when my beloved Mum died was hugely important to me. My two youngest granddaughters were babes in arms but were there along with all the other grandchildren. It was a wonderful celebration that I shall remember forever.
Whatever the reason the OPs OH had for choosing that particular date needs setting aside and dealing with later. I couldn't choose work commitments above supporting my OH at his mothers funeral.

Where does support for someone who you love and is in distress come in the hierarchy of things?

Just to be accurate Hithere, the OP didn’t tell him the date of her meeting until after he had arranged the funeral.

No, funerals do not come before anything else.

paddyann54

What a strange world it's become,there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid ,now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
I am so grateful my family rally round when times are troubled .I truly dont understand why anyone would think her husband should go to his mothers funeral alone ,unsupported by his nearest and dearest .
For what its worth we've had 3 funerals since just before Christmas with a 4th this Thursday .I hate funerals but I would rather grit my teeth and support my loved ones and friends who have lost family members ,isn't that what families do?

You do know Op may not get approved for time off for her MILs funeral right?

And it is the daughter that doesn't want to miss 2 days of school.
In the past, they never stayed in a hotel before, so why now?

How much support will OP and daughter be if they are in the funeral as a social obligation?

Life is as complicated as you make it ,family funerals come before anything else .You cant expect someone to mourn his mother without his wife supporting him....or is her night out with her friend and her work more important than he is? Maybe she needs to ask herself why she's married to him if thats the case .

"there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid "
No, the OP was questioning if she was yabu for not wanting to pick up a PJ, nothing urgent that fits in the basic needs category.

now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
The ONLY date she told her OH she couldn't make.

Paddyanne

You are way oversimplifying those examples very unfairly.

What a strange world it's become,there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid ,now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
I am so grateful my family rally round when times are troubled .I truly dont understand why anyone would think her husband should go to his mothers funeral alone ,unsupported by his nearest and dearest .
For what its worth we've had 3 funerals since just before Christmas with a 4th this Thursday .I hate funerals but I would rather grit my teeth and support my loved ones and friends who have lost family members ,isn't that what families do?

Am assuming you specified the actual date you were working so can understand that you are upset especially as the following week there is availability.
However this is his mother, your daughters grandmother . Presumably he is upset and stressed given there so much to do.
Maybe sleep on it if this has only just happened and another chat tomorrow things may be calmer and he will change his mind about the date.
If not you have to make your decision about whether to support your husband or not at this sad time.

I’ve suggested I call the funeral directors. I think one factor is that my family is very matter of fact, my dad was an undertaker, he even told me when he died don’t visit his grave, just remember him in life. His ashes are in an unmarked plot, as he wanted. Whereas my OH is very traditional. I would like to go to the funeral, and I know if I don’t go I’ll never hear the end of it! Oh and that date I’d arranged my birthday night out with my best friends, for me and another friend, we only get chance to get together every few months due to commitments. However I would of course forego the evening out if it was only that on that day.

Razzy

We discussed dates and I asked him to let me know once he had some dates. He didn’t. He chose the date, told everyone else, I was an afterthought. I had told him I had a meeting in Jan that was vital as involves co-ordinating a large number of people. Literally any other work day I would just take the day off, change meetings etc. I just didn’t know if I was being unreasonable to expect him to at least try to work out the possible dates for the funeral before telling everyone. I was the last to know it seems.

Oh dear Razzy. I can see that he might have been stressed and upset but to now refuse to even consider changing the date seems very unreasonable. If he thinks that you should all go and pay respects, which is understandable, then he really should be compromising to facilitate that!

Do you actually want to go to the funeral? If you do then there needs to be further discussion.

However only you can have an idea of how he might respond if you actually tell him that as already explained this is the one day you cant do so the solution is in his hands.

He is hurting but that does not give carte blanche to just ignore your needs!

Maybemaw

Not everybody has the willingness, mental strength or availability, etc to attend events, including funerals.

There are other ways to celebrate life and show support

Is it even safe to have a funeral due to covid? No, it is not at all
I don't think so

My sister arranged her husbands funeral for the day of my 60th birthday party.

She was too upset to think and I completely understood how the loss of someone you love leaves you barely able to to get through the day, let alone think about other peoples concerns.

His mother has died.

But if that does not fit in with real life events then unfortunately attendance is not compulsory and not a necessity.

OPs DH has made a choice that means others may not be able to attend.
The day will still go ahead.

Hithere

Maybemaw

Funerals are for the living and not everybody is willing to attend them

A child, as a person, has the right to decide too

And the living include the family of the departed. One attends not only out of respect or to say goodbye but to celebrate a life and for most of us, children and grandchildren are a big part of that life. One also attends for the mutual support a funeral or memorial service affords for those bereaved, sharing memories, grief, certainly but also the good memories and some smiles.
Having our three daughters speak at Paw’s funeral and our SILs offering to act as pall bearers was for me a powerful statement of our strength as a family. Our older grandchildren walked on my either side going into the church , the youngest staying with a friend for the service.
As a mother, one of the things I love most is to have my whole family together , not necessarily focused on me, but being with each other. One day I won’t actually be there in the accepted sense, but hope and trust that they will very much want to come together.

I can never understand why people are expected to go to any funeral. If it’s something that you feel is right for you then that is fine. I ‘m sure we all have differing views . Personally I only go to funerals of people who were close relatives or friends. I know others who go to when they hardly knew somebody.
It is nothing to do with respect, that should be shown while a person is alive. Going to a funeral shows nothing but the fact that you went.
Recently, my DH went to the funeral of someone he used to work with. We had to change some fairly important arrangements in order for him to attend . He hadn’t been in touch with this person for around 8 years and I have to admit I found it a bit hypocritical.
How strange that one can’t travel to see someone while they are alive but as soon as they die it can be managed.
I expect many will not be in agreement with my view.

We discussed dates and I asked him to let me know once he had some dates. He didn’t. He chose the date, told everyone else, I was an afterthought. I had told him I had a meeting in Jan that was vital as involves co-ordinating a large number of people. Literally any other work day I would just take the day off, change meetings etc. I just didn’t know if I was being unreasonable to expect him to at least try to work out the possible dates for the funeral before telling everyone. I was the last to know it seems.

I don’t think YOU are the one being unreasonable here. Strange behaviour at best.

Razzy

My OH refuses to even discuss changing the date.

He asked you about dates. You gave him one particular date - and presumably the reason why you would prefer him not to book on that particular day. And asked him to consult with you prior to booking.

So he goes ahead, books the very date on which it's difficult for you to attend, didn't consult you and told everyone else before he told you.

And now refuses to discuss changing the date.

I think it's fairly obvious who's being unreasonable here, without even bringing your daughter into the equation.

I assume your workplace will understand - they usually do with funerals for family members and I also assume someone will fill you in later on all the changes being made - albeit that these will have been done without your input.

I suppose spending the night prior to the funeral in a hotel and the subsequent wake are more or less irrelevant - but this appears to have surprised you, too!

If he was close to his mother then I guess it's important to him, but he has certainly shown scant respect to you!

If I were in your shoes, I'd go and be as gracious as possible. But I'd certainly be having a 'conversation' at the right time afterwards about his lack of consideration and respect towards you.

Aah, he didn't know your actual unavailable date..... That's different but still inconsiderate. I still wouldn't attend under that sort of pressure but certainly difficult regarding your daughter.

If it is his grief, could talking to a therapist help?

If in the past, it has been his way or the highway, you should stand up for yourself and your daughter

How about setting up a zoom link for the funeral? I am sure plenty of people would join that way

There are dates available the following week, it could be on a Monday so daughter only misses one day of school, but he says I am being unreasonable…

Maybemaw

Funerals are for the living and not everybody is willing to attend them

A child, as a person, has the right to decide too

I would just state

"As previously mentioned I can not make that date. I do hope everything goes smooth. Let me know if I can help at all but I will not be attending. Either day"