Funerals

Employers are not that flexible.

Ask a lot of mothers about difficulties for pumping (1 year by law in the US), worries about being pregnant and renewals of contracts or complaints of performance due to multiple medical appointments, etc.

Mamma66

In relation to the comments about employers being reasonable about attending funerals, my Mother died in May 2012. Her death was extremely traumatic and my lovely husband sat with me, my Dad and other family members whilst she died. Having been up for 2.5 days straight, he rang work and explained the situation. His incredibly supportive (not) employers insisted that he attend a disciplinary meeting on his return to work even though his attendance record is exemplary and he has been nominated as employee of the year on more than one occasion. His sister died unexpectedly in March 2019 and he had to take annual leave to attend her funeral as they wouldn’t grant compassionate leave. When my Father died in October 2020 they did at least allow him one whole day of compassionate leave to attend the funeral. On the other hand, my far more considerate employers could not have been more supportive

Employers like that really are a scourge. They lack perspective, compassion and humanity. Shocking behaviour and they should be deeply ashamed of themselves.

Clearly working in the public sector has some advantages.
When my lovely dog dropped dead in the kitchen early one morning (3 dogs ago, not Hattie or Rosie) both my Headmaster and his Secretary whom I rang were more than understanding and happy to let me go into school for the afternoon once I had recovered my composure.

In relation to the comments about employers being reasonable about attending funerals, my Mother died in May 2012. Her death was extremely traumatic and my lovely husband sat with me, my Dad and other family members whilst she died. Having been up for 2.5 days straight, he rang work and explained the situation. His incredibly supportive (not) employers insisted that he attend a disciplinary meeting on his return to work even though his attendance record is exemplary and he has been nominated as employee of the year on more than one occasion. His sister died unexpectedly in March 2019 and he had to take annual leave to attend her funeral as they wouldn’t grant compassionate leave. When my Father died in October 2020 they did at least allow him one whole day of compassionate leave to attend the funeral. On the other hand, my far more considerate employers could not have been more supportive

You might have some experience of life and of running businesses paddy but I doubt any of those businesses was a law firm. I posted my personal experience above and maddy understood it because her son is a barrister. You obviously can’t comprehend my experience. Nor it seems can you empathise with the OP’s situation, which I can understand and sympathise with. Please don’t come back to rub more salt into the wounds.

gsm I do have some experience of life and business having run my own businesses since I was 21 and only closing the last one when covid hit .There is no way I would have asked any of my staff to work if there had been a bereavement in their immediate circle ...not just close family .Its work ,sure it pays the bills but a loss is so much more important especially when its a close relation ,like a mum or sister or a partners family.Meetings can be rearranged and should be in these circumstances and I cant imagine anyone I know who would insist a meeting went ahead when support was needed by my OH. I've happily cancelled holidays because of a job but never rearranged a funeral for it

was really the cleaner ?

Very valued, very important and sometimes to be feared!

Peasblossom

Of course, I’m just saying that.

I was really the cleaner ?

The Tea Lady was the one we all tried our damndest to keep on the right side of!

Any road up
MissA My Mum used to say that! I remember remarking at her funeral that she would have loved the get-together and her BIL got very annoyed with me.
She would have done - she loved a family get-together ?

graveyards being full of people too important to take time off work

"I should have spent more time at work or "I should have spent more time cleaning"
I hope I never say either of those things.

Germanshepherdsmum

Thank you maddy, and my condolences on the loss of your mother in law. It's sad that some people just don't understand and make comments about graveyards being full of people too important to take time off work, which I take as a personal insult. If any of those making that comment had been my client at that time (not that you would have been as it was a corporate matter) I bet you would have raised merry hell if I'd left you in the soft stuff and I would have expected a negligence action as the loss would have been enormous. As it was, when the instruction came through my secretary took the call as I was at my father's funeral. The client only decided not to go elsewhere when she told him the reason for my absence. I'm afraid some of you really have no idea. I'm truly sorry about the number of funerals you've attended lately paddy but I do wish people would refrain on passing judgment on a situation that is beyond their personal experience. I have every sympathy with OP because of my own experience and I hope that whatever she does doesn't go against her family- or work-wise. I'm afraid employers can have long memories when it comes to promotions and salary reviews, unfair though that may be.

I can't imagine anyone I know not attending their mother in law's funeral because it might go against them when it comes to reviews and promotions. Some of you must work for pretty disgusting bosses.

GSM, that was snarky and I apologise.

Yes, there are times when work has to come before family.

Nevertheless, because of the position I held at work, I’m pretty good at recognising when someone is playing “dodgems”. Not wanting to do something and fishing up all kinds of excuses so they don’t have to take responsibility or be the “baddy”.

The OPs story is one of those. She never intended to go, but she wants it to look like her husbands fault.

Or it’s all made up anyway?

Germanshepherdsmum taking MissAdventure to task for her post saying graveyards being full of people too important to take time off work could in no way be construed as a personal insult. It was an unarguable observation.

And your instructions for her to Try to have some compassion and understanding couldn't possibly be more inappropriately placed. You obviously have no knowledge at all about MissAdventure, none at all.

Any road up, I'm sure the op will sort it out, one way or another.
It seems her husband didn't support her at her mums funeral, so it obviously works for them.

It is a statement of fact.
People die without any regard for important deadlines, things which simply cannot be put off, children who need them, (perhaps consider my perspective on that) droves of folk who will be impacted.

It's not necessary to have a high powered job to know that a company want you to available as and when, and as much as it suits them.

In fact, some of the poorer paying companies are the worst for enforcing their rules, and making sure the price is paid if you don't.

Of course, I’m just saying that.

I was really the cleaner ?

“I’m afraid some of you really have no idea”

Nope. That’s right. I have no idea how I managed over a hundred employees?

OK MissA I will make an exception for you alone - it is not a statement of fact. Try to have some compassion and understanding. It may have been 22 years ago but to me it could just have well been yesterday.

I really don't want to respond to the rest of you who speak about 'just a work meeting', 'she's the boss' (she's not) or her lack of sympathy or regret - I can only imagine that none of you have been in very senior positions carrying onerous responsibilities - but of course you will all say you have. I won't dignify comments to that effect with a response. On the basis of the comments I have read, I very much doubt it. I have been there and will remember the awfulness of it until the end of my life (when of course I will join all those 'important' people - which I have never claimed to be).

It wasnt some people.
It was me who made the comment.
I'm not sure why you have taken it as a personal insult, because it's a bald statement of fact.

Thank you maddy, and my condolences on the loss of your mother in law. It's sad that some people just don't understand and make comments about graveyards being full of people too important to take time off work, which I take as a personal insult. If any of those making that comment had been my client at that time (not that you would have been as it was a corporate matter) I bet you would have raised merry hell if I'd left you in the soft stuff and I would have expected a negligence action as the loss would have been enormous. As it was, when the instruction came through my secretary took the call as I was at my father's funeral. The client only decided not to go elsewhere when she told him the reason for my absence. I'm afraid some of you really have no idea. I'm truly sorry about the number of funerals you've attended lately paddy but I do wish people would refrain on passing judgment on a situation that is beyond their personal experience. I have every sympathy with OP because of my own experience and I hope that whatever she does doesn't go against her family- or work-wise. I'm afraid employers can have long memories when it comes to promotions and salary reviews, unfair though that may be.

I would say the OP is not only being extremely unreasonable, she is completely devoid of any compassion.

Not a scrap of sympathy for her husband, who has lost his mother, or for the rest of the family, no evidence of even the mildest of regret about the death of her mother in law, simply complaints that her husband was told to consult her before arranging dates but didn't, yet she was unable to recall the date of A Very Important Meeting, booked for months, which takes precedence over even death, apparently.
I don't know why this woman is even considering attending this funeral when there is not a shred of concern evident for anyone but herself. The only reason for going is : 'because I would never hear the end of it.'
If it is true.

paddyann54

What a strange world it's become,there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid ,now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
I am so grateful my family rally round when times are troubled .I truly dont understand why anyone would think her husband should go to his mothers funeral alone ,unsupported by his nearest and dearest .
For what its worth we've had 3 funerals since just before Christmas with a 4th this Thursday .I hate funerals but I would rather grit my teeth and support my loved ones and friends who have lost family members ,isn't that what families do?

I didn’t know the exact date when he asked me, I didn’t have my calendar with me, so we agreed to discuss dates. Never happened!
Not on your phone?
Something so important would be imprinted on my brain.

Hithere Tue 04-Jan-22 20:26:58
Paddyanne

You are way oversimplifying those examples very unfairly.

No she isn't. Paddyanne is right.

However, Paddyanne, not everyone has love or compassion for their families.
My DD flew 10,000 miles to be at her Grandma's funeral and rearranged all her very important work commitments, other people had to take over.

As for the OP losing her job - who is going to sack her as she sounds as if she is the boss? It's just a work meeting, albeit an important one.
She wants the funeral rescheduled - why not reschedule a work meeting? Far less trouble.

Graveyards are full of important people who can't possibly not be around for work.

Ain't that the truth.

Tulpia

You told your DH the one day you would not be available. I would tell him he has the choice of either changing the date or accept that you will not be attending.

Only after he had arranged the funeral.

Sorry but the story doesn’t add up.
The information is:

She’s in a senior position, it was a very important meeting at which her presence is crucial, it had been arranged and in the diary for ages, but she couldn’t remember when it was when he asked? And then didn’t let him know as soon as she could.

Now there’s all kinds of extras like well he didn’t come with me.

If this is for real then really it’s just about looking for an excuse not to go?

OP

How old is your daughter?