To think friend was disrespectful

So you scolded her and she thinks we are mean

Yes, you are meant to be friends.

If a friend showed me a catty post they’d made on social media about my clothes, they’d stop being my friend PDQ.

You sound worse with every post.

Spot on Maw.

I’m amazed that you would show the thread to your friend. If a friend did that to me she would no longer be a friend.

TBH if anything has been “disrespectful” it has been to criticise and elicit criticism about a third party and then show them what other people have said about them.
It reminds me of the sort of playground ganging up where one girl tells another what everybody else is saying about them.

I don’t clutch my peals or faint - no need to be abusive.

Obviously you don't have friends who you can be honest with and speak your mind! I can assure you she has said things to me which would probably have you clutching your pearls and fainting.

It was presented as a very black/white image oldwoman and judgemental terms like “disrespectful” will occasion strong responses.
Perhaps your wording made the difference- your OP was very critical and I suspect that set the tone for some responses.
I do wonder why you needed confirmation of your opinion though and then to show it to your friend was like an extra stick to beat her with.
Honestly if any “friend” treated me like that, I would be very hurt and would no longer consider them my friend.

I should add that she wasn't at all upset or offended - nor did she consider I was being "judgmental"

OK so lets clear up a few things - this is a friend I have known since school days, she usually dresses up every time she goes out. I have since mentioned to her that perhaps she could have made more of an effort - and she agreed, she didn't explain why she didn't this time. I have shown her this thread - her comment? "Wow - why on earth do you belong to a forum where people are that nasty!"

I am bewildered as to what was 'disrespectful'. Do you change your clothes to eat your normal evening meal?

Provided what you are wearing are clean and tidy, what on earth does it matter if you wore them earlier in the day also, or last week, last year.

Pity that the OP had coffee with this 'friend' earlier that afternoon, if she had not done so, she would not have known that she had not changed her clothes, etc.

I agree with Floriel.

You can disagree with posters respectfully, which many people on this thread have done.
But some posters have been unnecessarily rude and unpleasant in their replies and the thread seems to have turned into a bit of a pile on.

It’s nice that the older couple dressed up. But if they don’t go out often, that makes sense - clearly your friend does, so it’s not as much of an occasion for her, and she’d obviously made an effort when she met you earlier.

I’m not sure where respect comes into this.
Different people have different attitudes to what is “appropriate” dress and I don’t think a younger woman woukd have made the same correlation.
If your friend was not in dirty, torn or “inappropriate” clothes what is there to criticise?
Personally, I hate seeing women in “red carpet” dresses and their partners in jeans at “celebrity” events and decry the modern trend for men to go tie-less even in business dress.
But that is my personal opinion and really none of my business.
At the other end of the scale of course there is always the danger of doing a Hyacinth Bucket and seriously overdressing.

I hope poor OP isn’t feeling too bruised today because I think this forum became increasingly hostile and judgemental. In fact it sums up what I dislike about GN. We may agree with her, as I did, or not, as most did, but please can’t we all be a bit kinder? Calling into question her personal friendship and taking the moral high ground about judging by appearances is unfair and unnecessary. At our age we should surely be more tolerant and supportive. Heaven knows life has thrown slings and arrows at most of us, we don’t need to throw them at each other.

You have to take people as they are. Presumably it isn't a case where this lady would usually have made an effort, but didn't on this occasion, but how she dressed for everything.Perhaps she did not realise what was expected on an occasion like this, or just how nice the venue was..

You sound like my mother, who was always being upset by how her sister dressed, -a bit like your friend, I think. I could never see the point. My mother was always elegance itself, that was enough, her sister was dressing no differently to the way she had always dressed. The best thing to do is just ignore it.

You and your friend were true friends to your neighbours in their need and they are the kind of thoughtful people who appreciated all you had done and wanted to show their gratitude. I am sure you had a delicious meal in a lovely place, does it really matter that much if one of those being thanked for being a kind caring person dressed differently from the others?

Oldwoman70

Some of you seem to have misunderstood - the couple had dressed up, they rarely go out and this was special for them. My friend hadn't bothered to so much as change her sweater, she hadn't had a busy day (we had spent most of the afternoon chatting over coffee). I am not normally a "judgmental" person, accepting people for who and what they are but on this occasion I just felt she could have made a little effort.

Monica OP says the couple had dressed up.

OP may be being unreasonable but those saying she is being ridiculous are a bit OTT.
It wasn’t a “humble “ venue either as one poster suggested.

Your friend was being herself and this couple presumably know her as well as you do, so I doubt they would notice or think about it.

Had your friends dressed up for the occasion?

I can see nothing disrespectful in your friends behaviour. I suspect your feelings say more about you than they do about your friend.

Beckett

Please can all of you piling on the OP please pray for them so they can be perfect like you

Oh come on! It's nothing to do with anyone on here thinking they are "perfect".

No one is "piling" on the OP. She asked a question - and presumably expected people to respond, which they did.

TBH, if you pose a question on AIBU, it's inevitable that you won't always get the answers you might hope to get.

Posters have acknowledged that she is obviously a kind person (I did too) - helping out an elderly man in need - but we think she's wrong regarding her attitude towards her friend. And said so. Which is the point of AIBU.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Grandmabatty

You are being ridiculous. I'm sorry if you don't like the answer but really. She'd been in hospital and presumably was still recuperating. They were kind enough to take you for a meal and you think she's being disrespectful? Please give your head a wobble.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but I think that Oldwoman70 meant the friend who had helped her look after the ill lady's husband, not the wife, was the one who didn't smarten up!

I think she could have made a bit of an effort to put on something nice for going out, so no, I don't think OP is being unreasonable!!

But then, of course, some of us are just blessed - and look wonderfully elegant - with no effort at all!

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time OP. Yes it would have been polite of your friend to dress smartly when being treated to a meal out. Not the end of the world obviously, but it's polite to make an effort.

I have often wondered if some folks feel uncomfortable if they have arrived over dressed , what a strange species we are.
Maybe time for us all to careless either way. ??‍♂️