Hen parties

I pity younger people who are at a stage where all their friends are getting married. It must cost an absolute fortune to attend all these weddings abroad and expensive hen parties.

But some people seem to forget that their wedding isn't the centre of everyone else's life and start making ridiculous demands of their guests - expecting friends and relatives to use up their annual leave and holiday budget to attend their weddings in Spain or Italy , assuming everyone will be thrilled to spend a hen weekend shelling out for hotel accommodation, matching t-shirts, salsa classes, go carting sessions, expensive cocktails, limousines etc etc.

Where does it all end?

Not to mention the fireworks, photo booths, ice cream vans, chocolate fountains, and post wedding barbecues that all seem to be part of the deal nowadays.

It's all gone a bit mad.

I don't know where they get the money. I went out for a meal and then a few drinks in my hometown. I don't understand why every occasion nowadays has to be abroad. I was too busy trying to save for a house.

I can't understand how people feel railroaded into spending ridiculous amounts on things they don't want to do.
Our lives, our rules, no is a complete sentence, and all that jazz.

She doesn't want a hen party at all and has warned her 2 bridesmaids not to organise one. At most she will agree to a meal and a few drinks somewhere local.

Sounds very sensible! And a few drinks is a thoughtful compromise for a bit of fun without putting anyone in a difficult position over what they can afford!

Terribull

Interesting and detailed post. That bride's mother needs a lesson or two in the art of good manners - she sounds an utter nightmare. I'm glad the invitee didn't go to the do. The absolute cheek of some people is mind boggling!

My son and daughter in law were married last year at the end of lockdown, and both were relieved not to have to go on expensive hen/stag weekends.
Oddly, it is the 'stags' who are now pressurising for a stag do after the wedding; all married with young children and desperate for a weekend away.

Kali2

Totally ridiculous- same with baby showers, etc!

I'm of the same opinion.

It's just a commercial rip-off.

Surely it's possible to arrange a last night out with your friends doing something that's fun and inexpensive? Why a whole weekend?

I can't even begin to understand 'baby showers' - although I understand they date back centuries, but were more a celebration / ritual after the baby was born, in ancient times.

Married in the late 60s I hadnt heard of hen nights.

Ladyleftfieldlover

My Australian niece had a Hen party which included a Life Drawing class with a handsome young man. I didn’t have a hen do in 1976. Had they been invented?

I had one in 1977. An hour or so at the (to us) very sophisticated wine bar that had just opened in town, followed by the disco up the road. I think we might have gone quite mad and had taxis home.

The hen do in the OP does sound like fun, and some of the participants (probably the ones with no ties and more disposable cash) might be looking forward to a weekend away with the girls. But it’s totally wrong that anyone should be pressured into going. A simple polite declining of the invitation should be enough, and no justification or explanations required. As Hithere says, an invitation’s not a summons!

I’d definitely be saying no to the one TerriBull describes, whether I wanted to go or not! The cheek of it!

The only way these things are going to be toned down, is if enough people are brave enough to say, ‘Sorry, I can’t afford it.’

Though TBH even if they can afford it, most people have better things to spend that sort of money on, perhaps especially young people trying to save for deposits, etc.

And it’s high time brides stopped expecting expensive hen parties. Goodness knows attending a wedding can be expensive enough, what with travel and often hotel costs, present, drinks, etc.

Ditto stag do’s. It must be nearly 20 years ago that a dd’s boyfriend declined a stag do in Boston (USA, not Lincs.) that was going to cost £500 even then. He was going to be best man, so felt bad for saying he couldn’t afford it, but I admired him for it.

My Australian niece had a Hen party which included a Life Drawing class with a handsome young man. I didn’t have a hen do in 1976. Had they been invented?

All the hens I’ve been to in recent years have been in self catering houses, and about £200 each for the weekend. I’ve got lots of nieces and a daughter and we’ve all enjoyed them so much we are planning a ‘no hen’ weekend away this year because nobody is actually getting married. It’s not necessary to spend £500 each, but I do think a weekend away together is lovely for the bride and she should set out her idea to the chief bridesmaid for where she wants to go and how much, as she knows the circumstances of the hens better than anybody else.

Imagine forking out for something that you won't remember a thing about ?

I have followed a few threads on MN on this subject, many of the invitees not wanting to go for one of the following, financial constraints, work commitments, juggling childcare., not enough annual leave to cover that outing and a family holiday. All valid reasons imo. for turning the invitation down, furthermore that should be accepted with grace by the person who has issued the invite. Sadly that is often not the case. On one thread, the imperious invitation issued by the bride's mother said something along the lines, bearing in mind I think the cost of a trip abroad for the hen do was going to cost something in the order of £1,000 "you all have a year to save up, no ifs no buts about the cost" Absolutely staggered at the expectations and front of some people none of their business as to what people can or cannot afford. The woman who started the thread and had the invite didn't really want to go due to the cost and having to take time off work, childminding etc. Then at some stage down the line, she had to do an extra shift, hospital worker I believe and missed some Zoom meeting to discuss all the prospective dross they were having to stump up for. Upshot, she was severely admonished for missing the meeting, ostracised by some which happily gave her the impetus to drop out. Unanimously the other posters spurred her on giving her the courage to stick with that decision. Then both she and her husband were ceremoniously dropped by both bride and groom and I think they had their wedding invitation withdrawn too.

Honestly, I feel sorry for many of these young women these days, it honestly wasn't a thing when I was young, maybe a meal out with some close friends but not these expensive week ends, a full week even. often abroad, for something, it seems many feel under immense pressure to go along with. The other thing many state, that they only often know the person getting married and are forced to be closeted with others who they later find the don't like.

All in all it's got sod all to do with marriage and a couple's life ahead. It's such a load of unnecessary bollocks extravagances.

She will have to be strong. Either she can afford it or she can't. I would certainly have put my wedding above all others.

Madgran77

I think that is ridiculous ...friend will just have to accept that niece cant afford it. However what is she planning for her own hen party .....similar or something more accessible to people on different levels of income? As presumably the friend whose hen party this one is will also be invited to nieces hen party

She doesn't want a hen party at all and has warned her 2 bridesmaids not to organise one. At most she will agree to a meal and a few drinks somewhere local.

This is quite normal these days I’m afraid. I just went a night club with my friends....and we wore bin liners.

Now....at the very least, you have to be abroad!

Mad isn’t it? ?

I thoroughly enjoyed the hen parties in our family because it gave me the opportunity to meet "the girls" prior to the wedding. We did some fun things like jewellery making, afternoon tea and learning to mix cocktails. I think they were around £250 for 2 nights, plus travel, which seemed a sensible price.
I was surprised how many husbands were happily being left at home to look after the babies. Good on them!

The problem seems to be that if you go to one, you have to keep going to all your friends' parties, as each bride has splashed out £££ for all the ones she's been to, and feels short-changed if her night is a less extravagant affair.

I am firmly in the 'waste of money' camp, but the psychology of it all is a minefield. When I was working a lot of the younger members of staff spent so much on hen/stags abroad, with cocktail making classes, salsa nights, champagne receptions and so on, that they couldn't afford the money or the leave days to spent time with their own partners and young families. They felt obliged, though, as the stags/hens had been to their 'dos' when they married, and it is hard to break the cycle.

Sadly aping the USA.

SiL now refuses to go, what with the stag parties, the present, accommodation and transport to the marriage then the after party…

I think it’s ridiculously out of control too. A night out or spa with a few friends is lovely. Going abroad in matching pink outfits is crazy. I know my dd got so fed up with it as her friends all married and expected her to go to all the hen things, most abroad, which working fir NHS she could not afford, especially as the weddings were so expensive too. It all caused her a lot of grief,
Is it just prevalent in the uk, certainly in Europe things are much simpler.

An invitation is not summons

My daughter ahs been to a few hen parties but not involving so much expense but she has declined the latest rash of them on grou9nds of expense. She sent the bride a gift and that was fine.