Funeral party gatecrashers

Jess20

Did she say well, make sandwiches instaed or misspell - we'll make sandwiches instaed...? If the former, do uninvite her to the meal at least.

Now there’s a thought, Jess20.

Jannabell

Your father was almost 100! Wow!

I hope it's a wonderful celebration.

If niece comes - arrange for her to have a plate of sandwiches.

Maybe say of course can come to ash scattering it would be lovely to see them, add that infact what you ment was, your paying for your children and grandchildren, if she wants to pay for her children and her family? It’s not ideal but the whole situation doesnt sound good. Or you just pay and enjoy the day remembering your father. Depends if you have the funds really to what you decide.

icanhandthemback

I think if it was me and I had never met them, I would withdraw my invitation. Let's face it, you are not duty bound to invite anybody and she can always arrange her own memorial if she really feels that strongly about it. I am assuming her parent know nothing about her sense of entitlement and would not take umbrage but the bottom line is that I would not be changing the arrangements. She has an entitlement to decline the invitation, not organise the gathering.

The niece is a contemporary of the deceased person and he was almost 100 years old when he died. So her parents are not likely to be alive.

I’d just take a couple packs shop bought sarnies and put them where they sit with place names at their seats! Awful people!

I hope day goes well for you and your family

Scattering ashes I feel is not like a funeral where people far and wide can share memories of the departed, it private and personal. Its a shame that there has been ill feeling around this and clearly her rudeness has upset you. But you know what. Life is short and she was included in the invite so perhaps she feels awkward about coming on her own and wants support from her own son. I would say let her come and welcome her son and his wife on the proviso that each pay for their meals and drinks. Please don't upset yourself.
Some of the funeral gatecrash stories have made me smile and it beggars belief doesn't it? I once worked evenings with someone who went to everyones funeral that attended her church including those she really didn't know at all and simply saw it as supporting the family in their grief. She went to every wake and would take tupperware to put food in to take home and then bring it to work for her supper. She was absolutely shameless .

Did she say well, make sandwiches instaed or misspell - we'll make sandwiches instaed...? If the former, do uninvite her to the meal at least.

I think if it was me and I had never met them, I would withdraw my invitation. Let's face it, you are not duty bound to invite anybody and she can always arrange her own memorial if she really feels that strongly about it. I am assuming her parent know nothing about her sense of entitlement and would not take umbrage but the bottom line is that I would not be changing the arrangements. She has an entitlement to decline the invitation, not organise the gathering.

You should tell them firmly but politely that it is ONLY for close friends and family. What is it with people trying to take over these occasions? My OH passed away earlier this year and his stepdaughter from many years ago and her appalling family of hangers on suddenly decided that it was THEIR place to organise his funeral -(but not pay for it , of course !) - and have been making my life hell. They were rude and abusive to my chosen funeral directors to the extent that it almost became necessary for them to involve the police as they laid siege to the chapel of rest on the day of the funeral and after the service they had to be escorted out as their behaviour was so unseemly and somewhat threatening. I have never liked going to funerals -who in their right minds does?- and I can’t understand why there is such a clamour from the world and his wife to gatecrash these occasions. Stand firm. It’s what YOU want that counts now. Good luck !

What you have organised is a private event by invitation the niece's son and wife were not invited by dint of her behaviour I would uninvite the niece even if it meant changing the day or time Sorry for your loss

petera
You beat me to it.
Can't believe it was written in 2008.
Sign of getting old I think.

Took my breath away reading this post. There is entitlement these days but this goes way way beyond. I go with all who propose telling her you gave made arrangements and you are sticking to them. Would even say you had considered not inviting her as you felt the occasion should only be for those who actually knew your Dad not just knew of him. Your loss is sad enough without having to deal with such an inconsiderate person.

It sounds like the niece herself wasn't that close to your Father - having never met her yourself.She not only sounds like a free-loader - in that she is comfortable bringing uninvited others to a meal paid for by yourself but rude and insensitive.In your time of grief - do not be dictated to by rarely seen,and quite obviously not very nice,extended family.Celebrate your Father's life with your close family - if she wishes to pay respects - let her do so - visiting Remembrance gardens/donating to charity etc are amongst other ways to do this.I think she is being incredibly insensitive.Sending love.

Like the majority of posters I would also suggest cancelling your niece's invite- easy to say but maybe this isn't in your nature, so would be difficult or impossible to actually carry out. Do you have a family member or a close friend who can cancel the invite for you? You really don't need to have such a rude and distant relative at the meal, her very presence could spoil this day for you.

You should stick to your guns and go with what you want.
I did once attend the funeral of a contemporary of my (now deceased) parents as the children of said person and I had played together etc. I hadn’t seen them for many years but wanted to pay my respects. I went to the gathering afterwards which turned out to be in a large tea room. It never dawned on me that the ‘afterwards’ was a seated and counted affair, I think it was embarrassing for both the family and me but I have always understood funerals to, legally, be ‘public’ events - which is what, in part, makes the catering so difficult

I agree she has been pretty rude. Funerals are so open to this sort of thing. I suppose she is related by blood to your father - so although not having had much to do with him, she maybe feels she should be there. Is her motivation simply greed? Or is her motivation that she would like to join up at last, with her extended family?

Just say no, it's a private family party and you are inviting people who were close to him

Unfortunately a lot of people show their true colours at a funeral and their are a lot of people who also love going to the opening of an envelope especially a funeral. In the past 8 years we’ve lost 8 very close family members. I’m not of the mind we haven’t seen so & so for years so it would be lovely to see you at mums funeral etc. I’m afraid I’m more of the mind if you didn’t see them in life you certainly don’t bother in death, a bit like flowers really. So at my step father’s funeral we kept it small and suffered the sandwiches and drink at my Mums with his families lot from donkeys years ago who he hadn’t seen for over 40 years, I swore then never again when they all the clingons crawled out the walls for the food and drink and nosiness (who’s getting what after) and I swore never would I allow that to happen again. When mum passed I sent ‘private invitations’ to the people she would of wanted at her service and once that was over myself, DH, DS and his wife went to a little Italian restaurant in the next village for a meal and raise a glass to my DM. It was much nicer and much less stressful, I have no idea what the other people did who were invited to DM service afterwards which included my own DS and her family nor quite frankly did I care.
If I were you I would either re arrange it for when you know said niece is on holiday and only tell her it had to be changed (you don’t need to give a reason, non of her business) 2 days before it was due to happen or I would bring it forward by a week or few days and then tell her your not well etc and meal will be held at some stage later. Please do not let a niece you haven’t even met dictate to you who is going to your own fathers wake. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss - Tell her you need to re-book and then just go ahead with your,and your Father's nearest loved ones - grandchildren and great - children.

Ditto to what Urmstormgran suggested.

Have you read ‘ The Black Dress’ by Deborah Moggach ? …..

Is this person close to 100 if she’s a contemporary of your Dad? Perhaps she needs a lift from her son. Even so he could drop her off, go elsewhere for a sandwich, then pick her up after. Very tactless if she’s suggesting you change your plans to suit her.

Gatherings immediately after a funeral are often more flexible but if you are scattering your Dad’s ashes and made it clear it’s by invitation, she should accept your decision.

My Dad and SM lived in a sheltered housing apartment. There were three elderly ladies who attended every event and funeral tea, saying quite gleefully that they put 20p in the RAF benevolent fund between them. They were referred to as The Coven.

What a cheek. Stand your ground, your party. Tell them they can attend the funeral but bring their own sandwiches

I'm surprised no-one's mentioned this:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/dec/21/celebrity-victoria-coren

First, I am so sorry for your loss.
It did occur to me that you said that she is a contemporary of your late father's. Is she very elderly and would she find it difficult to travel without support? Even if this is the case it does not excuse her rudeness of course but I know that as I get older I have to force myself to go to places on my own.