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Funeral party gatecrashers

(134 Posts)
Jannabell Mon 14-Feb-22 13:10:22

I am organising an event to celebrate my father's life by scattering his ashes and then a slap up lunch in a nice restaurant afterwards. I am only inviting close family, including his niece and her husband (neither of whom I have ever met). The niece phoned and said that her son and his wife would be coming too (also never met), to which I said that actually I would rather they didn't as they didn't know my father and it was just me and all the grandchildren and great-grandchildren. To which she said that her son had gone with her once when she visited my father a few years ago therefore he should be able to attend. AIBU to not want them there? I told her I would be paying for it out of my own pocket to which she replied ...well make sandwiches instead! Advice please

MayBeMaw Mon 14-Feb-22 13:18:58

Stand your ground
Say they can join you for coffee if you really must but reiterate that you booked lunch for x number of people and risk her taking the huff.
I thought you might be talking about something like this.
I held DH’s wake at the village pub, it was a Monday late morning and while they couldn’t close altogether on our behalf they were confident that we would have the place to ourselves. There were so many people there, some I had not seen for years so when I saw a couple at a table that I did not recognise I went up to them , welcomed them, thanked them for coming then discreetly tried to find out how they knew DH.” Oh we had just come in for a drink” they said! I smiled and retreated to my next brandy.
Honestly if you were in a pub and a load of people in black all came in together, wouldn’t you make yourself scarce? Not them, they stayed and D2’s MIL (who had early onset Alzheimer’s) chatted away to them as she didn’t know who anybody was anyway!

Audi10 Mon 14-Feb-22 13:23:57

Charming reply to you! Says it all doesn’t it! Firstly sorry to hear of your fathers death, I would actually stick to my guns. And repeat politely and firmly the arrangements have already been made, there is no way I would entertain someone like that

Grandnana Mon 14-Feb-22 13:25:49

Tell them that it's a seated meal and the restaurant knows how many places are set. She's no right to tell you what food to choose nor who to accept. Stick to your guns.

Grandnana Mon 14-Feb-22 13:27:18


Charming reply to you! Says it all doesn’t it! Firstly sorry to hear of your fathers death, I would actually stick to my guns. And repeat politely and firmly the arrangements have already been made, there is no way I would entertain someone like that

Sorry Audi ... I've said almost the same as you, but I was writing as you posted!

MayBeMaw Mon 14-Feb-22 13:30:33

Great minds think alike?
I think we are all of one mind on this!

Calendargirl Mon 14-Feb-22 13:30:45

Just wonder why you felt you had to invite said niece, if it’s close family only? If you have never met her, it doesn’t sound like she could have been that close to your father.

I marvel at the nerve of people sometimes. To say she is bringing an uninvited couple, and then tell you to make sandwiches if it’s too expensive…..


Hithere Mon 14-Feb-22 13:39:05

How about telling her they are welcome to the first part but not the restaurant? I know it is not what she wants.

Now your dilemma is - do you even want his niece there, knowing how she feels?

Hithere Mon 14-Feb-22 13:39:53

I also wonder why you consider them close family based on DNA link, if you never met them

AGAA4 Mon 14-Feb-22 13:43:16

I can't understand why, when someone knows you are grieving, starts making difficulties.
When you said her son wasn't invited she should have graciously accepted that. Just be firm with her as she has been pushy and unfeeling towards you.

JaneJudge Mon 14-Feb-22 13:44:52

I'm actually gobsmacked by this! I hope you are okay

FindingNemo15 Mon 14-Feb-22 13:49:44

Freeloaders. Tell them the name of the wrong restaurant.

Audi10 Mon 14-Feb-22 13:55:31

Grandnana I actually cannot stand rude people at the best of times, and to be spoken to like this when grieving , I think I’d have a job not to blow a gasket! I hope the op is ok! It beggars belief that people can be so cold and uncaring! I wouldn’t allow it

Aveline Mon 14-Feb-22 13:59:32

Just tell her this is a private function. It's hard to believe how pushy some people can be.

Gagagran Mon 14-Feb-22 14:07:19

When my elder sister died there was Requiem Mass then a burial with just family attending, followed by a hot buffet meal in a local restaurant. When the immediate family got back from the cemetery, the restaurant was heaving with people, who had turned up at the church then gone straight there. So the tables and chairs were occupied and it meant family had to sit where they could amongst these people.

The lady I found myself next to, said "Who's died then?". I was so shocked that she had the effrontery to be sitting eating and enjoying a meal for someone she had no idea it was in memory of. I was told later that there are quite a few of these funeral scavengers who turn up for a free meal like this. It still upsets me to this day and it's 7 years since.

Esspee Mon 14-Feb-22 14:18:31

Gagagran. How awful.

Esspee Mon 14-Feb-22 14:23:22

Jannabel. I would tell her that there had been a change of plan. They are welcome to join you for the scattering of the ashes and hope they come prepared with something to say.
There will now be no meal afterwards as the cost was getting out of control.

Barmeyoldbat Mon 14-Feb-22 14:33:16

I would tell her, after such a horrid remark, that she is welcome to the graveside but suggests she brings her own sandwich to eat on the nearby bench. Blinking cheek.

Kim19 Mon 14-Feb-22 14:34:35

I would go one further and actually withdraw the niece's invitation. What a piece of work! This further reinforces my plan to have no 'afters'. Sad for you over your Father's death. You certainly don't need\deserve this. I'm sure you'll have ample support around you. Stay strong. ?

Dickens Mon 14-Feb-22 14:36:02


I told her I would be paying for it out of my own pocket to which she replied ...well make sandwiches instead!

You've just lost your father, she has never met you, and invites her son to whom an invitation was not given and who only saw your father once - and talks to you like that?

I think you have to put your foot down here. This is a celebration of your father's life for those who knew him well - not a party for anyone who feels like they might want to come along for the free food and drink. Because apart from that, what interest can such a gathering hold for someone who probably knows damned all about your late father?

Sometimes I'm just completely astounded at the utter pushiness and insensitivity of people. The fact is, she had no right to invite anyone without consulting you first. I'd be inclined to dis-invite her frankly, she sounds like trouble.

Urmstongran Mon 14-Feb-22 14:55:01

I’d be tempted to ring her back and say ‘sorry but with hindsight I’m unhappy for you to attend after all. I’m upset enough as it is and your remarks have made me more so. Perhaps our paths might cross in the future at a different family gathering. Until then I wish you well”.

Cheeky mare.

Urmstongran Mon 14-Feb-22 14:58:37

Gagagran how awful that a ‘mourner’ asked you “who died then?”


Honestly we are all so taken aback by such crassness that we actually reply to them! You’d have been right to walk away.

Urmstongran Mon 14-Feb-22 15:00:05

Maw ?

ShazzaKanazza Mon 14-Feb-22 15:02:47

I agree with everyone on here and think she has a real cheek. She’s lucky enough to get an invite herself. As if you haven’t enough to do snd think about. When it was my MILs funeral a load of family on husbands side came to church and graveside and they’d not seen her for years and years while she was alive. We’d not arranged anything afterwards but us and our kids and SIL went back to ours for tea and cake and I think they possibly all went to a pub. They were put out cos we’d not arranged a do for them all.

Yammy Mon 14-Feb-22 15:19:57

I would just uninvite her and her entourage. To suggest you change your catering plans is beyond belief, I would not have invited her in the first place. just say you have changed the plans to very close family of your father and do not tell her any arrangements.