Daughter-in-law not watching twins very well

I don’t think you need to worry too much when her own mother and father live next door. It’s up to them to sort things out with their daughter if there is are safety concerns.

Does OP talk with her DiL’s parents at all? They are next door so must be aware of any support their daughter and her family need.

blutz

DIL is very close to her parents. They too are doing a share of babysitting. As a matter of fact, her parents bought a home right next to theres. I think that might be a little to close for comfort but, that is not my business.

No it's not but sounds like yet another criticism.

At least your DIL will have support if your DS divorces her and she gets custody of the children.

Thank you, Lilyflower.

DIL is very close to her parents. They too are doing a share of babysitting. As a matter of fact, her parents bought a home right next to theres. I think that might be a little to close for comfort but, that is not my business.

She needs PRAISE from you and your son not criticism. I was once told that your children will not remember you for having a clean kitchen floor!!

My son and dil had twins who were 10 weeks premature and in incubators for a few weeks. Nobody who hasn't had twins has any idea of the mammoth task it is to organise feeds,nappies clothing etc never mind cleaning the house! She deserves great credit for all that she has done to get them to this stage. To top it all she's working! No wonder they need counselling. Too much is being asked of this poor girl - she needs a lot of support. What about her own mother? Has she got sisters?

Riggie

@lilyflower

I think the pile-on offering criticism of the OP and sympathy for the mother is missing the point. If a two year old child has run towards the road three times already and they have climbed a very high piece of equipment, then the first priority is to secure the safety of the children.

The issue is that the OP is solely blaming her dil for this and totally ignoring the fact that her son is also responsible!!

Presumably they were both there, each watching one child.

I find that a bit odd, having brought up more than two children and having DGC too, you have to have eyes everywhere.

I’m so sad your son is not supportive of your DIL, she sounds exhausted, the more help he provides and rest she gets will see her on the road to recovery faster. Totally don’t get the watching one child each, aren’t they co-parenting, most parents take more than one child out at a time. Your son could watch both children. One thing I’ve noticed is that women are good at doubling what they get the more love, help, support would see great returns in the longer term. Same for mean mindedness. That goes for you and your son. Everyone needs support at different times though their life, if the situation was reversed what would your thoughts be?

Lilyflower it is not just a pile-on.
There have been many suggestions that OP's son take some of the load off his wife instead of criticising and thinking of divorce.
What helpful suggestions do you have?

I think the MIĹ would like to see this marriage end. This may backfire on her if the couple make it up and give their marriage another try. She could end up all alone and alienated from them both, with NC. Or son may divorce and marry someone else she dislikes. Or children could go for adoption if mother can't care for them alone. Best for her to offer to help, treat DIL with respect and advise son to think very carefully about deserting his marriage.

@lilyflower

I think the pile-on offering criticism of the OP and sympathy for the mother is missing the point. If a two year old child has run towards the road three times already and they have climbed a very high piece of equipment, then the first priority is to secure the safety of the children.

The issue is that the OP is solely blaming her dil for this and totally ignoring the fact that her son is also responsible!!

You seem very exacting and it sounds like you really don't like your dil very much whilst it is also coming across that you think your son can do no wrong.

An untidy home doesn't necessarily make it filthy. A child with additional needs takes up a lot of time and that's without the twin sibling and a full time job! And even if the house is untidy and dirty why is that her fault? It is equally your son's.

And on what basis the ADD? I presume she has a nursing degree and is considered competent to do that (although you seem to doubt it) and taking your eyes off a child for a few moments is not a diagnosis of ADD. Your son is there too - so it's also HIS fault that the child ran into the road - but yet you seem to want to blame only your DIL.

As for a relationship with her. I like my mil, but I already had a mother and as an adult I didn't want a second mother-type relationship. Maybe she's the same, or maybe she sees you for the judgemental person thst you are and prefers to keep you at arms length.

I think the pile-on offering criticism of the OP and sympathy for the mother is missing the point. If a two year old child has run towards the road three times already and they have climbed a very high piece of equipment, then the first priority is to secure the safety of the children. Dirt and disorder can also be a sign of neglect and also presents a hazard, per se, in that dangerous objects and substances may be left in the way of toddlers.

Once a regime to protect the infants is put in place the focus on the mother’s mental health can be secured.

"Seems to me that this is a situation where grandma is more likely to have an accurate idea about the circumstances then all of the commenters."

well we can only go on information provided.

and of course we are only hearing one side of the story

But sometimes a person in a situation doesnt always have a accurate idea of what is going on - their bias and their perception can take away seeing things objectively.

Posters have tried to ask OP to take a step back and to see this from the DIL perspective or at least a non one sided perspective.

of course she doesnt have to do that, but not sure point of thread if not to ask for opinions
Those opinions dont have to agree with her view or validate her view.

I dont think doing that would be helping anyone.

There is no free childcare in the US. And it is EXPENSIVE.

I am not sorry, I feel horrible for the DIL in this scenario.

She had babies at the start of the pandemic. She went back to work in the nursing field during the height of the pandemic. She has ADD (which is not unsafe as a nurse nor is it a taboo thing) and depression, which may have been cause by the first two scenarios, and what she has is a husband who wants a divorce and wants to take custody of the children and a MIL who "fears for the safety of the children" because she works and is tired and the house is a mess.

Marriage is hard. Having babies is hard. Only those who are super committed make it through, which is why the divorce stats look like they do.

I wish I could reach out to this poor woman and give her a hug and ask what she REALLY needs for help.

don't know where you live

The USA. Blutz told us on another thread.

I don't think there is the free care that there is in the UK, unfortunately.

DD2 is a nurse and due to circumstances had to go back to work when DGS2 was 7 months (father drug use won't go into it but was put out and she had to pay back 10000 debt due to him mostly). She works a 4 day week and her job doesn't now involve shifts or weekends. When she went back she was given a room to express milk in and a fridge to store the milk through occupational health and maternity guidelines for NHS staff. Maybe your DiL could reduce her hours - if she checks the guidelines for her work and speaks to OH. DD2 also spoke to social services and when DGS2 was 2 she had 600 hours free childcare annually from a childminder or nursery due to the circumstances and from 3 he has had 1400 hours annually as all children are entitled to in Scotland. I don't know where you live but worth finding out. We do the other day and if he is not well enough for nursery. We had him for the 4 days during 1st lockdown which was hard work but very rewarding. I do some housework for her but work as a team so it gets done and we have a good routine now. She gets him up, dressed, breakfast at 6am and then walk to nursery (20 minutes) then she gets bus to work starting at 8.30 till 4.30 but often kept on late. Gets bus home, collects him from nursery, walk home, tea, play, bath and bed. Then she is in bed by 9 at latest. There is no time for anything more than tidy up which he now has to help with, dishes, hanging washing up and bins. He often wakes overnight too. Your DiL is doing her best with twins, full time nurse etc so it is really not helpful to be down on her like this. See if she can get less hours, see if SS can give any help and family do what they can to help in the way of housework.

Seems to me that this is a situation where grandma is more likely to have an accurate idea about the circumstances then all of the commenters. If he shared a concern with his parents, after 6 years of marriage and two years of parenthood, that doesn't really sound over the top. It's hard for any of us to tell what's really going on, but as a parent of five and a mother who had PND, it's A hard road to hoe. However, I wouldn't just assume that he's a horrible person and a slacker and that she is utterly deserving of so much sympathy. Perhaps there were problems before the children arrived. I think they should work very hard to save their marriage for their well-being and for the twins' sake. I would point out that, if he's such a slacker it's unlikely that he would want to have the sole responsibility for two young, lively children. It sounds as if he has some real concerns in general which may lie a lot of this. At any rate, I didn't think OP sounded like the mother of a mama's boy. Sometimes I think women are so anxious to be supportive of other women that they just always want to blame the man. That's not an answer, either. As far as having lunch with your daughters-in-law, I always did that and still do with mine. It helps in a lot of small ways. There is nothing like a good relationship and friendship with your daughter-in-law. If you don't do it and don't feel the need to do it, fine. But I don't think it's strange at all to have hoped for that.

Dear OP
Like you, I am a grandma who provides some childcare to support my working children.
I also am the mum of twins.. who are now the full time working mothers of my grandchildren.
I wonder what you and your childrens father did when you had your children? Did you work? Full time? Part time? Not at all?
Did you have family support with your children ? Whether you were working or not? What value did you place on that, whatever it was? Or was not!!
I could tell you my story, but there are thousands of variations of such family situations, so it wouldn’t be helpful to tell just my story!
My advice is to take a huge step back from your current judgment of your daughter in law, really think about the pressures she has, and bring yourself to a position where you can support her and your son in reaching a mutual understanding of the realities of a current day family that juggles competing demands that most (but not all) of their parents generation, maybe including you, didn’t have to juggle.
I’m not perfect, but I listen and learn from my family - all of them.

GrandtanteJE65 gives excellent advice. This is the way to help your grandchildren your son and your daughter in law without adding to their difficulties, or risking estrangement .

Free childcare is a myth

There is always a cost

They've cobbled together free child care between my husband and I, an aunt and her parents

Are they struggling financially?
I do realise how rents/mortgages can be extortionate now and bills are rising but it does seem as if reducing hours might help both of them.

I hope your DIL gets the help and support she would appear to desperately need.
Is she still breastfeeding or expressing? Lovely if she is relaxed and has time but not really necessary for two year old twins. That must take it out of her.
Has she had medical checks? Is she anaemic/lacking nutrients?
Even if she is fine physically, their life sounds exhausting.

I am astonished that so many people have written in to be judgmental of the author. Why would you want to be so unkind?

I agree, kwest and Smileless. Many of the things posters have piled in on are simply incorrect or just supposition.

There are ways of saying things and of disagreeing with others without resorting to insults or name-calling, as some have done.

OP, your son and DIL are obviously struggling and in dire need of more help and support. Could the cleaner’s hours be increased, or could one of them cut their paid work to part-time, or even take a career break till the twins are a bit older? Is your DIL getting the best treatment for her depression, or does she or your son need to look for better? Are there any support groups nearby for families who’ve had multiple births, with all the extra responsibilities that come with them - I know there’s one in my town? If not, might an online support group help?

I’m so sorry that divorce has been mentioned - I hope this was just as a knee jerk result of the stress the couple is under and not a serious prospect. And I hope this little family finds ways of improving its current situation.

What country are you living in ? I think you are being very lenient with your son and it must show, your DIL must hate you. I think you are lucky that she allows you to the house and to look after the children when you are so mean towards her. The children are just turned 2 and you have very high expectations of your Daughter In Law but seem to have none of your son. How unfair, he should be doing as much as possible to take pressure off his wife or does he just want to stand by and watch her fail so he has an excuse to divorce her ? He sounds nasty and frankly so do you.