Daughter-in-law not watching twins very well

Why doesn't your son clean the house and wash the kids clothes? Isn't he equally responsible for them?
For goodness sake have some thouught for your poor DIL ,SHE carried and gave birth to them,she would have been out of her mind with worry sitting watching them in incubators during a pandemic.Yes I know your son would have worried too but belive me as someone who has been there when you've just given birth everything is amplified in your mind.
Now she's working full time,on medication for depression and your SON thinks she's not doing a good job.
I'd be giving him a good kick up the backside and telling him to roll up his sleeves and do what DADS should ...support his poor wife

your son needs to help far more and I agree completely with paddyann. When the going gets tough for him, what does he do? he threatens cut and run ie divorce, what a despicable way to treat his wife, who has been through and is still going through, hell

I'm not sure what to suggest TBH blutz but didn't want to not respond.

You say they have gone for counselling but as your d.i.l.'s clinically depressed, I wonder if it would be more beneficial for her to have some counselling without your son.

Is your son mentioning divorce due his concern about the children's safety or are there other issues. If the marriage isn't happy, this will increase his wife's depression.

I would encourage my son to talk to his wife about his concerns and suggest she sees her GP to make sure that the medication she's on is the best one for her.

As they both work full time, does your son help out with household chores? This is something he needs to do, anything that may alleviate the pressure she's under would help and maybe they could do some of the housework together, to reinforce for her that she's not alone and is being supported.

Her job as a nurse is stressful so anything that may help reduce stress in the home is bound to help.

Your son should be with his wife because he loves her, he shouldn't stay with her because he fears if they split up, she'll get custody. Maybe he should think about whether he wants to stay in the marriage and help his wife. If he's no longer fully committed to the marriage, I don't see how joint counselling can be beneficial.

I'm so sorry as this situation is not good for anyone and I hope that some resolution can be found.

I think blaming the DIL isnt helpful

if both parents work full time they are both responsible for housework.

But then again a clean house isnt the top priority - if the kids are happy and healthy, who cares if the house is dirty.

if one or both is not coping, find ways to help rather than blame or take sides

My brother's wife, now deceased, was much the same. They had three boys and lived on a farm, the house was filthy and their personal hygiene somewhat iffy. How those kiddies ever reached adulthood I've no idea but they all grew up to be successful in their chosen careers, and my brother's marriage seemed to be a truly happy one.
But she wasn't depressed.
I think that's the issue your son needs to address first. But do bear in mind you are her MIL not her Mum and can do very little directly. One thing you can do is encourage your son to get in touch with her GP and stress how worried he is about her. She needs proper help and understanding, not counselling.
The childrens' situation is frightening too. So could you, in the meantime, perhaps encourage the dominant twin 'take care' of the other by pointing out the dangers of roads, and heights etc.

If she is nursing as in a hospital under supervision ADD would be picked up quickly, possibly not if community nursing. It does sound like she is “going through the motions” rather than parenting properly.

Do you think that maternal instincts are lacking and she would rather be away working, or is it general depression and feeling overwhelmed.

I agree with Paddy. I suffered from post natal depression and it never really went away, so I still take medication nearly 40 years later. Depression is incredibly debilitating and it is very difficult to find the motivation to do simple things such as cleaning. I too was working full time and with just one child and a husband who didn’t help around the house I was permanently exhausted. Her job, like mine, is the type that doesn’t allow you to forget it once you leave work - it’s constantly on your mind. So please cut her some slack, tell your son to support her properly and take more than his share of responsibility while she’s ill. And stop saying the house is filthy. I have to say, you sound horribly like my unsupportive ex-mother in law.

What does DiL say about the dangers your son has noticed?

It sounds, to me, as if she is under far too much pressure.
Could one of them reduce their working hours?
Your son should take responsibility for the housework and also look after the children on his own more often.

If she has ADD it is unreasonable to blame her for taking her eyes off the ball with the park situation. Surely there must be a more appropriate park that isn't open to a road?
All the parks in my area seem to be fenced off these days and many have lost the play equipment for older children. I think just going to a different park will solve that particular issue.

Re the filth, your son can deal with that just as easily as her and if she is depressed it seems a bit mean to think she will have the energy to do it anyway.

And as regards the counselling, I think, as someone else said, we don't know what counselling they are going to - are they going separately or as a couple. If it's a couple's appointment then presumably there is more than you know going on.
Do not blame it all on your daughter-in-law who is not well, has had sick babies during lockdown and is still trying to juggle this with work. She hasn't had the chance even to bond with other new mothers as most of our generation did (as the baby groups were all cancelled).

I know it's hard to stop worrying but if it was my son I'd encourage him to try to step up more if he wants the relationship to survive this.
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Thank you for all the answers. I have to say, in my son's defense, we does more housework than she does. Their home looks like a tornado blew through it. I've gently offered to help her sort out old clothes, sell them, or give them away. Cleanliness doesn't seem to be a priority. The home is a shambles. Before I began babysitting, she never invited me over to get used to the babies, how to use the formula machine, breast milk wasn't labeled with dates. She's never tried to have a relationship with me. I thought while they were engaged we would have time alone, go out to lunch and get to know one another better. It never happened. My son does what he can (I think), but whatever is done, it's like putting a bandaid on an elephant.

She needs help not criticism! The poor woman is clinically depressed, working full time, twins. The son doesn’t seem to appreciate how vulnerable she us. How will counselling help, neither should he be worrying about who has custody. He doesn’t sound at all committed to the marriage. She should go on sick leave, get more help in the house and with the twins, get some counselling for herself. If she were my dil I would sit down with her and ask how you can help and tell my son to man up, she’s I’ll. Why is she watching a child when he knows she’s not up to it? I don’t understand it.

Maybe all the sitters could do a bit of housework and your son could look after both children if he doesn’t trust his wife.

With the mention of divorce are all these criticisms of her building a case for him having custody? If he did I am sure he will have lots of help and praise for doing what he should be doing now.

I agree with other posters, your DIL needs more understanding and your son is quite capable of cleaning too if they are both working full-time.

He told us on her watch, the girl has already run into the street three times. There's a playground which really isn't geared for 2-year olds
I wouldn't be happy with a play park which wasn't fenced off from the road. Don't they have a garden, fenced with play equipment where the twins can play safely? If not, perhaps another park, fenced an geared to younger children might be better.

She lets them climb to the very top of a high apparatus
My son told her if one of them falls from that height, he/she will likely die
Well, that's piling on the pressure and guilt, isn't it.

My DGC used to climb up the tall slide when they were two, it was worrying for me if I was minding them but all the other little ones did too and gained confidence.

Their home looks like a tornado blew through it
I'm not surprised if they're both working full-time and have twin toddlers!

blutz when I brought my prem baby home the ward sister used to visit us every day for 3 weeks just to make sure I was coping .She knew the strain of a prem and the depression that can follow .She used to tell me the house will be there next year if you dont feel up to cleaning then dont .
I was lucky my sister would come and do my wooden floors ,my MIL ironed my mum would sit and watch him while I grabbed some sleep .My friend who ran a restaurant provided meals ....for months and even catered the christening free .
Your poor DIL doesn't know whats hit her ,for heavens sake stop babying your son,he's old enough to be married and have kids he's old enough to take responsibility for them.Support HER ,GIVE HIM A GOOD ROLLICKING

It does sound as though you don't actually like your DIL and very critical of her. My grandson is the same age and into everything and fearless. He will climb anything. At this age you need to let them find their own way, guide them to make the right choices, but let them try.

My son and DIL's house is really untidy, but that's how they are. I accept that as long as they are happy and the children are too, to leave them to it.

You need to back off and also tell your son to pull his weight and to stop the criticism of his wife.

I think your dislike of your daughter in law is at the root of this. You thought you’d have time alone with her and go out to lunch with her once they were engaged? Why would she want to do that? I have a brilliant relationship with my daughter in law but going somewhere together, just the two of us, has never crossed my mind nor, I’m sure, hers. She has her own mother, she has her friends and siblings, and she too works full time. You have very unrealistic expectations. She’s your son’s wife, not your new best friend.

You do not like your dil

Your son threatening divorce is making it worse

You need to step back and let them find their new normal.
Priorities change in a major way when you have young kids - surviving the day is key and cleaning drops in a lot of steps

Your son has to stop complaining to you and his father - you will always have his and make excuses for him

Husband and wife can decide and get external help cleaning, a mother's helper, etc

If that park is not suitable for 2 year olds, look for another one. Easy peasy

Only do things and help when they both ask you to, despite your willingness to help

As a mother of 2 year old twins, if I knew my husband and ILs saw me as incompetent, it would not help matters at all and would depress me more

Your son is not a good husband and supporting his wife

Suggest to your son that if he's not happy with the level of cleanliness and organisation that he could pay for a cleaner. Expecting more from a woman with PND and a full-time, very responsible job, is unrealistic.

My DD and DGS live with me and I feel as if my house is squalor most of the time. A cleaner helps enormously. I just wish I could afford it twice a week.

I agree with others. You dislike her. And your son should keep his marital woes to himself.

Be very careful not to alienate her. It could affect the contact you get with your GC.

GagaJo makes a very valid point there. Beware of siding with him to the extent that you drive a wedge between them. He and you are likely to be the losers.

Oh dear I rather feel for the daughter in law she’s got a mountain to climb The house looking like a tornado ripped through it is the least of your worries
My grandkids climbed everything and anything to the top kids don’t usually do what they don’t feel capable of
I think you and your son should support her more instead of threatening divorce and being so critical

I don’t understand the division of ‘looking out’ for them when out you say she watches the girl he watches the boy Why don’t they both watch both the girl sounds as if she’s the more robust one

She certainly can’t be of a careless nature if she’s working as a nurse so I very much doubt your diagnosis of her having ADD and clinical depression can be correct ….She may have post natal depression she may be worn out it sounds as if she’s still breast feeding as you re talking of breast milk so between that, two lively twins and full time work what do you expect of her

Too much I think

I want to thank DIL for her hard work as a nurse, in covid times - not easy

Plus twins! She is a very strong person indeed

on her watch

It sounds as he she's in the Navy!

Before I began babysitting, she never invited me over to get used to the babies, how to use the formula machine, breast milk wasn't labeled with dates.
I'd also like to add that I hope she's not still feeding two toddlers herself! Even feeding both of them for a short while must have taken it out of her.
She must be worn out, poor woman.

I really think you need to find some sympathy for her and tell your son to buck his ideas up.
Do not enable him, especially when he mentions divorcing the mother of his tiny twins and taking them away from her.

I'm shocked.

I bet the house isn't really filthy. Probably just looks lived in.