I live in the same town as my widowed 91 year old mother. I have an older sister who lives 60 miles away. My father who was an alcoholic died 7 years ago. My mother is a difficult woman, who over the years has fallen out with everyone who she has crossed paths with, she writes spiteful notes to her neighbours and has no friends or social life . She is very lonely. My mother lives in squalor, her house is filthy and she refuses to throw anything away, the smell in her kitchen in the heat is horrific. I have had a difficult relationship with her, but she idolises my sister who visits approximately once every 6 weeks. She is reluctant to let me into the house to help unless things have reached crisis point, however she rings me daily and expects to be ‘taken out’ 3/4 times a week, to see great grandchildren/shopping / garden centre etc. I have tried to get social services to help, but the line that agencies take is, she has capacity and therefore can’t intervene. Whilst not wealthy she could afford to pay for a cleaner/have the house repaired but thinks that either myself or my husband should do this. My sister refuses to go into the house, but also will not say anything or do anymore than she does. I feel so guilty if I don’t go and see my mother but quite honestly I have had enough, and am at the end of my tether with it all, Do gransnetters have any suggestions?
Why do they always idolise the one who does very little whilst treating the one who helps like something they've trodden in? So common when it comes to mothers and their children.
icanhandthemback
Well done, Tutumuch for seeing that what you do is in your hands and only you can do anything about it. My mother is such a person who believes it is her right to have her daughters look after her. As my sibling moved away, guess who bears the brunt! After she had to go into a home, she continued to berate me. I remained calm for about 6 weeks and then one day when the emotional blackmail was at its worst, I remarked that she had been using emotional blackmail for years and the beauty of that was it was now water off a duck's back. To say she was so surprised, she laughed. The next visit, when she started I just, "Stop that now or I will go. I come to see you because I love you, not because you demand it." The following visit was the first time I just had a pleasant visit. I wonder if I have allowed her to bully me all these years and could have done something about it earlier. My advice is to stand up for yourself in a calm way. Be assertive not aggressive until she gets the message.
Well done you and good ideas too. We all had to put up with being shouted at smacked and bullied by our parents ( alot if us anyway) so why the faux reverence all of a sudden? They can act like spoilt kids sometimes so should be treated as such as well.
cc
Honestly I don't know how people put up with behaviour like this from elderly relatives. From the sound of it you owe her nothing, I hope you manage to disentangle yourself. Don't take her out anywhere too nice either!
Totally agree cc
*
Social Services won’t be interested. Your mother has chosen her life. I am afraid I could not visit her filthy house and would tell her that. Pick her up once a week and take her shopping and a coffee, then drop her back. Tell her you are going away for a couple of weeks, if you can do it, go. I would infirm your sister what you have chosen to do. It’s a lot better than once every six weeks if she doesn’t like it. You need a break, if you can’t do a holiday, ring and say you won’t be round for a while you are not well. Which isn’t far from the truth. As a mom I would never do what she does to you, reclaim your life, live it how you want, she has made her choices. She as a mother should be concerned about you.
MamaB247
Did she not take you out as a child, feed you clean up after you, did she not tidy your rooms fix things when things where broken. I'm sorry but unless she has been abusive to you I. An un-medical related way then you are her child, she's do e her job of looking after you now it's your turn to help look after her, the same applies to your sister and other siblings. You should all pull together and help. As for the notes to neighbours and her being mean, perhaps she's lonely or there is something you don't know about said neighbours. Perhaps she has the onset of depression. You need to just suck it up and be the responsible one. She's done her duty towards you and clearly still want you around. Make the most of that you'd sharp miss her if she was gone.
I see where you're coming from .although it's not the rule that the children have to give up their lives to trot around after parents is it? Did her mother do the same for grandparents I wonder? And it's not for anyone to guilt trip m'dear either.
I feel for you I really do.however. she's your mum! If you've never been able to be straight with her all your life, cut her adrift, as she's just destroying what you have left of your life with what sounds like really selfish behaviour. It's up to you of course it is . But she's had an unusually long life and you deserve better by the sounds of things. If your sister refuses to pull her weight, well old Ma will have to get to state when she's not 'able' and let the services do what you've all paid your lifelong dues for- look after her with resources of the system! No guilt on her part ? You need to be likewise for your sanity's you really do deserve your own time. Good luck darling
Get social services, local safeguarding team, her gp or local police to do a welfare check on her that way she will get the help she needs and give you a break in the meantime
Have you mentioned your concerns to her GP. At her age, they will be aware of her.
Did she not take you out as a child, feed you clean up after you, did she not tidy your rooms fix things when things where broken. I'm sorry but unless she has been abusive to you I. An un-medical related way then you are her child, she's do e her job of looking after you now it's your turn to help look after her, the same applies to your sister and other siblings. You should all pull together and help. As for the notes to neighbours and her being mean, perhaps she's lonely or there is something you don't know about said neighbours. Perhaps she has the onset of depression. You need to just suck it up and be the responsible one. She's done her duty towards you and clearly still want you around. Make the most of that you'd sharp miss her if she was gone.
leave her to it, she's had a good innings telling everyone else what to do, that she doesn't like them for whatever reason etc. I think that you have done your best, now live your life in peace and quiet and let your sister or whoever take up the slack.
Well done, Tutumuch for seeing that what you do is in your hands and only you can do anything about it. My mother is such a person who believes it is her right to have her daughters look after her. As my sibling moved away, guess who bears the brunt! After she had to go into a home, she continued to berate me. I remained calm for about 6 weeks and then one day when the emotional blackmail was at its worst, I remarked that she had been using emotional blackmail for years and the beauty of that was it was now water off a duck's back. To say she was so surprised, she laughed. The next visit, when she started I just, "Stop that now or I will go. I come to see you because I love you, not because you demand it." The following visit was the first time I just had a pleasant visit. I wonder if I have allowed her to bully me all these years and could have done something about it earlier. My advice is to stand up for yourself in a calm way. Be assertive not aggressive until she gets the message.
I am always sad to read post where people are in situations such as yours.
There isn't an easy way out of these patterns and it can be hard to break long term family expectations of how we behave, the what we Should Do's - The Tyranny of The Should and The Oughts - you can look this up.
As some one has already mentioned work on your "Guilt Feelings".
You have done well to recognise some of your "Feelings" that lead to your'Behaviours" (giving into your mothers demands) that then lead to you 'Sabotaging" your self.
In your post you have a good understanding of how dealing with your mothers demands and your reaction to them is making Your Life, Unhappy, Stressful, and overall Unsatisfactory.
That's a good start and you have every good reason to feel the way you do and every Right to have a Life that's AS Good AS it Can Be.
In situations such as yours we find ourselves trying to balance our Rights and Responsibilities. Never and easy balance and you have done well to recognise your need to rebalance Rights V Responsibilities.
Suggestions - already made - such as cutting down your visits, taking a break and so on are ways of rebalancing your personal R v R and good starts to help you get out of this difficult situation.
There is a wealth of information, techniques and exercises on the Web to get you started working on those 'Guilty Feelings" that hold you "Hostage" to a Self Damaging situation.
If you can afford to get Counselling or may be even a Life Coach to help you'll make better progress with dealing with your "Guilty Feelings".
In your post you displayed a great deal of 'Thinking", that's good as 'Thinking is one of your greatest assets in giving yourself "Permission" to Take Care of YOU.
There is a very important difference between 'Feeling" and "Thinking" .
If you want some freedom from your situation work on learning when your slip from
"Thinking it's OK for you to Take Care of you and your (1) Needs and (2) Wants"
into
"Feeling that your mothers (1) Wants and (2) Needs are more important that yours".
Because my guess is it is in "Feeling" that you allow yourself to be "Highjacked by Guilt".
If you want to work through your 'Guilty Feelings" look on the Web at subjects such as Toxic Messages, How we Discount Ourselves, Permission, Protection and Potency, How we Sabotage ourselves and so on. Once you get started on the research there is so much information to help you understand How you Don't Take Care of yourself and help on how to make changes.
You are not wrong to want to have more freedom be that time, less stress. less toxic feelings. I hope you find ways to have more of that Life you want. Wishing you the very best of Luck
Adults can reprogram from harmful childhood learned behaviours - I understand it is hard but very doable
Why are some parents like this ? There must be an answer. I am not gloating whatsoever, truthfully I am not, but my mum was nothing but beautiful, happy, appreciative for the absolute slightest little thing I did, it was a sheer honour to give her my all and I read and hear of mums/dads who are absolute wretched to their children and I think but why?
i lived with my gran and grandad - he was blind, gran took a stroke it was a bad one and we knew she was not going to come home, i took him to see her and after 5 min he said, no point in being here, she is no use to me know, she died and i stayed but he was a horrid man, after 6 months i had to leave for my own sanity, i was 18, i could not take the verbal abuse and sometimes physical and the throwing things at me, he had not left the house since the 70s when he retired until he visted my gran in hospital, he never went to her funeral. i know this is not the same thing but sometimes you just need to do what is best for you, maybe a few weeks of not seeing you might make her realise how much you do for her, if you drive her about...tell her the car is off the road, tell her you are unwell, i was heading for this problem last year when my mum lost her husband, i just refused to take on the role, i have other siblings but they don't want it either. please take a few weeks and rest up, can you afford a holiday, good luck
Skye17
GrammyGrammy
Move her into a care assisted complex and people can visit her there rather than you take her out at all. Then you can get her place sorted and cleared out and things will be much easier for her and you and all. Don't take no for an answer. If she refuses to cooperate then a care home is her other option. Her choice of course. She must not be left where she is in squalor. Make a change happen.
When I worked for an Adult Social Care department of a local council, the law was that you can’t force someone to move if they have the mental capacity to make the decision to move or not.
The OP said that Social Services think her mother does have capacity.
And this is why society is in such a mess! You are her adult daughter- it is up to you to make the best decisions you can for a 91 year old hoarder living in squalor. Capacity my a*s*. SS is worse than useless. You destroy lives.
In your place, I would if possible tackle this from another angle.
Phone your sister, or write to her if that is easier.
Explain that right now you cannot do more for your mother and you need a break and say nicely to her that you hope she won't be inundated with phone calls and complaints from your mother because you are going to tell her that for the next three weeks you will be off on holiday.
Whether you actually go anywhere or not, doesn't matter - just turn off your phone, or put it on mute and do not answer our mother's phone calls.
If you write to your sister, say in the letter or e-mail that you will ring her up at such and such a time when she has had a chance to read your letter.
You have done plenty for your mother, who has chosen to be spiteful towards her neighbours, refuses your offers of help to clean her house and apparently expects you and your husband to be unpaid workmen repairing her home when necessary.
You have no reason to feel guilty - you have done plenty. Your mother chose to remain with an alcoholic husband and apparently took it out on everyone else.
Your mother's great-granchildren must have parents. Let them do their bit!
Does your mother cook her meals? Or is that another task you undertake eg shopping and organising food. If you did summon enough courage to take a break or reduce contact how would food be managed. Making socal services aware your mother would have to manage meals on her own if you did withdraw should raise voncerns with social services. Your mother may well have capacity but she is living in squalor and needs assistance with tasks. They should be responding to your concerns. It may take S.S. a while to make headway but they need to try. Don't be a martyr, you have your life to live and it should be guilt free. You are along time dead!
GrammyGrammy
Move her into a care assisted complex and people can visit her there rather than you take her out at all. Then you can get her place sorted and cleared out and things will be much easier for her and you and all. Don't take no for an answer. If she refuses to cooperate then a care home is her other option. Her choice of course. She must not be left where she is in squalor. Make a change happen.
When I worked for an Adult Social Care department of a local council, the law was that you can’t force someone to move if they have the mental capacity to make the decision to move or not.
The OP said that Social Services think her mother does have capacity.
I also have a demanding mum, aged 92 and my sister lives abroad half the year. It was me that mum took everything out on, was selfish and demanding and then I started realising what she was doing to me. I was worn down with her “opinions” and what I should and shouldn’t be doing. When GC were small, one said to me “ Nanny why does grandma keep saying unkind things about you when we think you are wonderful “ ! So I had to sit them down and explain about cantankerous old people. Mum lives 40 mins away and I mainly see her once a week out of duty. I’ve arranged a cleaner, a gardener, plus my niece takes her shopping. When she complained about being lonely I contacted Age UK and gave her all the info on clubs to join etc so the balls in her court. When she moaned about not seeing much of me, I just said “ we don’t get on, you do nothing but criticise me so why do you want to spend more time with me”. When she starts trying to make me feel guilty I have the ability to just close her down, and refuse to argue. She has reaped what she has sown in our relationship, I’ve never had anything positive back from her in all my life. She appears jealous of my close family, my friends etc and I just refuse to allow her to taint my life anymore. In all her life she has never ever said sorry to anyone and she is always right, you cannot have an equal, respectful relationship with someone like that, so I’ve stepped away for my own sanity. Good luck regaining yours Tutumuch ?
maddyone
^I am afraid I do not understand people going round crucifying themselves with guilt when there is absolutely nothing for them to feel guilty about. ^
The problem Monica is that many of the people who feel guilty about elderly parents have been conditioned from childhood to put their parent’s needs first. I am one such adult child and I understand this perfectly. Add to that, the rosie view of elderly people that society chooses to adopt, coupled with the Madonna image of mothers, and you have a perfect recipe for adult child guilt.
Tutumuchyou are obviously suffering from guilt about your mother. Please try to understand that just because she is old, it does not make her your exclusive responsibility. She is responsible for her own decisions. She chooses to live in squalor and have few social activities. That’s her choice. Decide what you feel you can do, and then do it. Do nothing else. I have had to make similar decisions myself with regard to my own mother, who now lives in a care home and still makes demands.
This increasing problem is caused by people living too long and then expecting their children in their sixties and seventies to look after them. It’s unreasonable in the extreme.
Great comment.
If it was me I’m not sure I’d answer the phone every day.
If this should be the early stages of dementia, things could change as far as your mother being regarded as having mental capacity goes. Unless she has always lived in squalor?
I really understand your feelings of guilt, you feel like this because you're a kind person but you must admit you're also being taken for a ride. I think you have to say to your mother that you can't see her so often anymore because it takes up too much of your time and energy and also you cannot stand the state of her filthy house. Tell her you'll be round once a week only ( or whatever you're comfortable with) and that you're leaving her the name of a cleaner who will also come once a week and it's up to her whether she chooses to make arrangements with this person. The stand back and see what happens. Also let your sister know what you're doing and tell her it would be really helpful if she would step up and increase her visits. Good luck and look after yourself.
I am afraid I do not understand people going round crucifying themselves with guilt when there is absolutely nothing for them to feel guilty about.
The problem Monica is that many of the people who feel guilty about elderly parents have been conditioned from childhood to put their parent’s needs first. I am one such adult child and I understand this perfectly. Add to that, the rosie view of elderly people that society chooses to adopt, coupled with the Madonna image of mothers, and you have a perfect recipe for adult child guilt.
Tutumuchyou are obviously suffering from guilt about your mother. Please try to understand that just because she is old, it does not make her your exclusive responsibility. She is responsible for her own decisions. She chooses to live in squalor and have few social activities. That’s her choice. Decide what you feel you can do, and then do it. Do nothing else. I have had to make similar decisions myself with regard to my own mother, who now lives in a care home and still makes demands.
This increasing problem is caused by people living too long and then expecting their children in their sixties and seventies to look after them. It’s unreasonable in the extreme.
Honestly I don't know how people put up with behaviour like this from elderly relatives. From the sound of it you owe her nothing, I hope you manage to disentangle yourself. Don't take her out anywhere too nice either!
I demoted my mother to aunt status after being subjected to yet another one of her violent attacks. I kept in touch with letters, cards and gifts on a very regular basis but I never spoke to her or visited her again. My only sister lived in the same town, whereas I lived 400 miles away. They would have nothing to do with each other and my sister didn't speak to me for decades because I kept in touch with our mother. I felt guilty for a while but, looking back, it was the best solution for all concerned.
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