Reached the end of my piece of string

Caleo - Yes everything you have suggested has been done. Long ago I gave him a list of everyone's birthdates, marriage date, and address and telephone numbers. Have sent him the revised list as and when anything has changed.

He is told if anyone is unwell or going in for any medical procedure, but just ignores it all. He is long-time disabled, and really thinks the only person entitled to be ill is himself. This was one of the causes of our problems when we were together. I developed a really debilitating illness and eventually had a traumatic operation - he never gave me any emotional (or other) support during the whole of that time.

Twice the children have given him a mobile phone, with package all paid for. Neither time has he taken it out of the box it came in, saying he is not interested. Yet of all people he does need a mobile phone for when he is out and about in his electric wheelchair. He refuses to go on to any social media site, I keep up with my children, etc on Fb.

He appears totally uninterested in his family. Few years ago, I took my eldest g.child round with me to see him during August of her GCSE year. Her Mum, my daughter had been there a week earlier and had told him how they were awaiting the results of those exams. I arrived and waited for him to ask g.daughter how she had got on, then prompted him with reminding him that GCSE results had now been out and received the reply that 'Yes, he knew as he had seen the students waiting for them on tv!!!! Never did ask her how she had got on!!!!!

He is just a very selfish, ego centred old man!!!!

But if he wants something done in his flat, he quite quick virtually to demand assistance -but would never think of actually saying Thank You to whoever does go to help

how about you research some cleaning companies that deal with this kind of thing, and email/post to her some details/quotes for basically making the place hygienically habitable.
also try to stand back in speaking with her. be vague, or utterly boring. go on about petty annoyances, problems, disappointments.
i have found that sometimes works.
just imagine you are in a play with that role.

Thank you wonderful gransnetters for all your comments. I recognise the martyr comments - and agree that the time has come to change my behaviour because I am not going to change my mothers - I genuinely think she is happy to be unhappy. I have resolved to visit once a week at a time that is convenient to me. Wish me luck!

Agree to take her shopping etc just once a week. As farmgran says, tell you mum that you cannot stand the smell in her house as it makes you wretch. You don't have to answer her calls everyday either, surely she has your sisters telephone number?? Maybe giving your mum some space will make her. rethink her life choices and she might take notice when people genuinely want to offer help.

Maybe you should stop actually going in the house. Tell her you can't stand the filth. Just pick her up once a week n take her out for a coffee.

Franbern maybe your ex feels he can't do anything to help any of his relations. Has anyone ever asked him to give some help or advice with a specific problem? How can the man be helpful if nobody ever asks for his help?

Somebody(you?) should send him a clear list of family birthdays names and addresses, and ask him to send cards on each of these occasions.

Next, ask him specifically to congratulate relatives on the occasions of great success. And that sort of thing. Some people need to be told what to do socially. Not being socialised is not the man's fault.

Tutumuch, you can't live your mother's life for her . You will have to tell her what you can do for her and what you can't. I am sorry for her but her situation is not anyone's fault. She simply is what she is and maybe is incapable of learning better.

However she does sound depressed and may be there is a clinical reason for her behaviour. Has she had her bloods done? Is she clinically depressed? Maybe you could suggest she consults a doctor.

One of my daughters is in this position with her father (my ex). Being the only one who lives close to him, she is the one who has been landed with responsibility for him. Gets rung whenever he is taken to hospital. She has a very demanding, job, and was a single parent family and really lost it with a nurse who telephoned her saying how bad it was that no-one had visited him when he had bene in hospital for three days.

He NEVER rings any of our children, even if he has been told that any of them have a problem or they or their children are unwell. Expects them to ring him. Never sends birthday cards, even to the g.children. Does give each of our children a cash sum for Christmas and tells them that if they want to use some of that to get something for the g.children it is up to them.

My daughter's child started Uni last September, and she got quite excited when she suddenly (for the first time she can remember), received a 'phone call from her father - thinking he was asking about his eldest g.daughter. But 'NO!' he started off by saying he had not seen her for a long time and then went on to say he needed her to do something in his flat.

She has stopped feeling guilty - anger has totally taken over. Goes to visit him now for a couple of hours every couple of months.

Age does not come into it. She is alone, not because she has dementia, or because she is mentally ill, or for any reason beyond her control. She is alone because she has alienated everyone who ever knew her because she is so nasty.

She now has to face up to living with the results of her own actions.

Do not feel guilty where you have no reason to, that is just self-indulgence.

Elizabeth, sorry you have been unwell - but it IS interesting how many people cope perfectly well when they have to.

I hope you are properly recovered now - in which case we can say that every cloud has a silver lining.

If your sister does not go into the house, how does she carry out her visit? Does your mother sit in the garden or in the car with her?

She has earned her life in the moment by being nasty and unpleasant to everybody
Being elderly and vulnerable does not erase her bad personality traits

Your siblings will choose what is best for them, despite your decisions

Sudden, due to being unwell. I then realised she coped with other help and complains if I am there or not so no difference to her or me.

I feel guilty because she is a vulnerable elderly woman who is alone, not because she is my mother. She is a nasty person so has no friends, the grandchildren do not visit and my siblings only when necessary. I would also feel bad for my siblings who would have to do more if I did nothing.

Elizabeth27

I am in a similar position, it is the guilt I cannot handle if I do not visit. I suppose the answer is to work on the guilt feelings enough to allow walking away.

I have managed to cut my visits to once every two weeks then the guilt kicks in but after the visit I feel quite elated that it is over and I have two weeks where I do not have to think about her.

Well done you, Elizabeth!
What a relief it must be knowing you have this gap of time to yourself.
How did you achieve it? Was it a sudden stop or gradual?

Ring your local council and offload everything to them. At her age they should be helping her and it is not your responsibility. Go on a nice long holiday somewhere nice and have a bit of r and r.

You have done everything you can for your mother, but she is expecting too much: trips three to four times a week is unreasonable. Reduce it immediately and don't waver, and also approach your sister about visiting once a month; I used to visit my parents every month (340 mile round trip, sometimes fortnightly); she can manage more than nine visits a year.
With regard to the house there is little you can do unless complaints are made. How clean is your mother?
Don't clean the house. Your mother is a bully, and sounds as though she always has been, this gets worse as people get older and you have done far more than she deserves.
Decide what you can reasonably do; put pressure on your sister, and do not beat yourself up about it.
Not your fault.

Lots on here have had similar issues, have shared them and hopefully found a solution. I too, really cannot fathom the guilt bit, it only happens if you allow it. Why do people sacrifice their own health, sanity, state of mind for relatives? Too many of our generation are sacrificing themselves too constant and exhausting care of grandchildren and/or selfish parents who will not pay for care and help. Not all of course, before anyone jumps in, but we read of so many.

Step right back, i have done it and it can be hard with guilt but you can do it. good luck

I would certainly be stepping back, what an awful situation, she’s of sound mind so in my opinion that tells me she knows exactly what she is doing! You have no reason to feel guilty you have tried to help, sounds deeply unpleasant person that upsets others too, I would be thinking of myself you can only do so much and you have tried, you have a right to live your life the way you want it to be tutumuch

You only do for her what you want to do - no guilt, no sense of obligation, etc

Without dna bond, would you be friends or help that person? I doubt it.

You do not owe her anything, let your golden sister drop from that position when you are not the scapegoat

Follow your sister's lead!

Sorry I would give her a wide berth mum or not especially the fact that she lives in filth. Why should you have to be subjected to even visiting in those conditions.
Live your own life and do what your sister does by making your visits less frequent. You might even find you are more appreciated.

Just tell her you can't continue in the same way and tell her she needs help which only an outside agency can give. Give her some phone numbers [cleaner/carer/gardener/builder/whatever] and tell her you will take her out once a week from now on.

I too cannot understand martyrdom to unpleasant relatives to the extent it makes loved ones stressed, very miserable and impacts on their freedom and contentment in their own lives [which they are entitled to].

Tell her, don't be dictated to or be emotionally blackmailed.

Tell her you have COVID!

What has she ever done for you? I would deduce that she was never a loving caring mother.

I confess, this is a situation I have never faced. But my reaction is that you need to tell your mother, firmly, but nicely how it is - that you find her demands on you are excessive and unjustified and that in future you will do - specify what you will do, then organise for her to have an emergency pendant. It is up to her whether she uses it or not.

I am afraid I simply do not understand people going round crucifyingthemselves with guilt when there is absolutely nothing for them to feel guilty about. All you are doing is succumbing to your mother's emotional blackmail and Isuspect that is what you have been doing all your life.