AIBU to want to mind my grandson in my own home when his mum goes to work?

GrandmaJosey I understand totally where you are coming from because I am living a very similar scenario. When my DS and DIL announced the pregnancy early 2020 she had to drive very close to my house to get to her work so I offered to help after the maternity leave and assumed I would be having baby at my house. Then the pandemic started and of course when she went back to work it was from home.

So now I work myself from home 3/4 hours in the morning and at lunchtime I drive 25 miles, look after baby, now 22 months old, for 3 hours then drive home. I do this two days running each week and by the end of the second day I am exhausted.

However the major upside is that I commit myself totally to baby for that 3 hours and I love it. We build lego, read books, play hide and seek (in a very restricted way!) have toy car races.

You may find that you can build a better relationship with him in his house and his routines and I wish you all the best.

She’s a great mum don’t get me wrong and we get on really well but she can be quite controlling with him.

She's his mother, she understands his needs best.
That is not controlling.

Shelflife

GrabdmaJosey, stick to your guns! I have taken care of GC one day a week for many years - always in my home , my territory! I would not have driven 20 minutes to their houses then 20 minutes home at 5.30 in heavy traffic!! You are perfectly entitled to insist on child care in your own home. I have always felt safer at home and in control! Don't feel guilty and good luck !

This is a great way to start a pissing match.

My opinion is you are not being unreasonable to want to look after your GC in your own home. I t would have been my preference.

If you are helping by providing child care and (saving them a lot of money besides,) you should be able to state a preference especially as your dil works close to your home.

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask but I think now you should go to his home to look after him.
It's only maybe 6 days over the summer so after that if you start up again you can include your house in the discussion.
I really don't think it's a big deal and it saves the little one the car journeys too.

Have some lovely days at your son and daughter-in-law's home. I'm sure you will soon get used to it.

I have done nearly all my childminding in the child's home and it's always been easier in terms of routine and naps etc.

Their baby, their rules. Agree to childmind at their home or risk nor being asked in the future.

The child is 15 months old and will not appreciate shopping centres or even play parks for that matter. Let him be in familiar surroundings, nap in his own cot and have all his toys around him

She’s the mum she holds the rules. Sorry but that’s how it is and I know this being the mother of sons.

True enough, transporting a toddler can be an absolute time-consuming nightmare. And there's always the danger of them falling asleep on the way home which can disrupt bedtime. So yes, I agree, that's another good reason for looking after him in his own home.

It’s not just the drive though, it takes ages to get a baby / toddler out of the house in the early morning with all their essentials, the child would have to be in the car there and back as well , adding extra time / hassle to the parent and child’s day. Much easier to be in his own home. When he’s a bit older it may be more feasible for the OP to collect him.

I personally think it best if the little boy's looked after at his home, as per his parents' wishes, but there would probably be less unnecessary driving if he was dropped off at grandma's.

Though the child would have to do the journey as well in that scenario.

Where does your 40 minutes or more before she'd even started her job come from?

GrandmaJosey said in her first post that her DIL works near to where she (GJ) lives, so she's probably doing the 20 minute drive to work anyway.

In your scenario, DiL would presumably have to drive him to yours , then to her work so she could be 40 minutes or more before she’d even started her job, or were you offering to pick him up and drive him home? It seems a lot of unnecessary driving. He is still very young and I agree with stick to his familiar routine .

Blinko

I would go with DiLs wishes for a while and build trust. He is very young and you'll have plenty of time to show him where you used to take his father when he's a little bit older. Take it steady, don't panic. All will work out.

Wise advice, kindly given!

Have you ever invited your DiL over with your GC when she's not working? Made them both lunch and gone for a walk on the beach together? Maybe she thinks you're all about the GC and she doesn't want to risk too many changes to his life and routine in case it makes him difficult to handle.

I realise this is only a temporary arrangement, but because I looked after the DGC at my house (over a few years) I provided a cot for daytime naps (a kind neighbour loaned me a very good one but I had to buy a new mattress), toys, changing mat, high chair, all the paraphernalia babies and toddlers need.

It will be much easier to go to their house as it's not a long-term arrangement.

i prefer to look after my grandson at his house, he is happier and more settled as he has all his things there, i would never go against his mums wishes, she knows what is best for him, as for the nap, if he does not go for a sleep then he will probably sleep later and then knock out the bedroom routine. your son works away so it is really up to mum to decide what is best for her little boy, probably the same as you did when you had your son.

PoppyBlue

*She likes him to have a nap in the morning which is fair enough and sometimes I do struggle getting him to sleep as it’s a change of environment for him but the way I see it is it’s only one day and its not the end of the world if he doesn’t sleep dead on time? *

Yes because it then domino's throughout the days. If he doesn't nap, he's overtired, then who is left with an overtired, grumpy toddler when you've gone home? Your DIL.

Or he might fall asleep at about 4 o'clock and then not want to go to bed in the evening, especially as your DIL is on her own.

I did look after the DGC at our house because that was convenient for DS and DIL although sometimes I picked them up from playgroup and took them to their own house.

Trying to stop them nodding off after they dropped the day-time nap was the most stressful time!

I think whatever suits your DIL is the way to go.

I think some of you have failed to read the facts here. It must be the heat.

GrandmaJosey, I think its great that you have made this offer. I also think its clear that was was in your head is different to what your DIL had in hers, and that you both need to discuss the arrangements further until you are both happy.

This proposed arrangement from what I've read is intended to be only for a short few days over the summer. ie 1 day per week for a few weeks. There is therefore no need for others to chip in with cold dark frosty mornings, long term petrol costs , "territory" (!) and other less than helpful comments.

My overall concern would be around the potential disruption to the child as his current arrangements are changed then changed again at the end of the summer when you return to work. Some children seem to adapt very quickly to changes, others less so - we don't know, but his mother will no doubt be taking this into account which is why she will initially want you be to at their place with his familiar surroundings and some routines.

I'd suggest you try it for a week or two and see how it goes then sit down face to face and discuss any proposed changes and agree between you.

There is far too much reliance in general on texts for important decisions - face to face or at least telephone conversations are needed to reduce mis-communication like we can see here.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but it seems you haven't discussed your ideas in full with your DIL, including choosing your day when the opportunity was offered to you, so shouldn't be blaming her at this point.

Speak with her ( not via text) and I'm sure you will be able to sort something out.

Some of the rest of you should read the whole of the facts and then look at your comments.

FarNorth

^YABU, not perhaps at asking the question but for being at all aggrieved at the reply to the negative.^

That's it in a nutshell.

I agree.

By asking you to watch him in his home and take him to his playgroups, it sounds like she's trying to keep her son in his routine.

YABU, not perhaps at asking the question but for being at all aggrieved at the reply to the negative.

That's it in a nutshell.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with her and your grandson. She is effectively single parenting if your son works away.

Also She can't be controlling about her own child, she's his primary parent. She is in control. She's his mom. If she's blocked notifications from you and isn't responding, take the hint. She doesn't want you having him at your home.

Either spend time with your grandson in his own home or not. Don't keep pushing when she's already said no.

Who looks after your GC now, when your DIL is working?
Is this person paid (ie are you upsetting an arrangement that's already in place)?
How many hours does she work?
How many days?

I think some of these replies are unnecessarily harsh, you are not being unreasonable (I always preferred to look after the GCs at my house) but your DIL has made her wishes clear, so I'd go along with them for now as most people recommend.
However, as she is not contacting you, you are in a difficult place. Why nor try a text asking her if she still wants you to come round on ???day as usual - and accept her decision even if she says No Thankyou.
You DO see him, some of us are not given even that opportunity, I see my son's children on birthdays and at Christmas, my DIL does not let me see them in between and if I call round she gets their coats and says they are going out, when its obvious they're not.
If she tells you she no longer needs your help you will have to accept it, and leave things as they are for at least a month.
But it doesn't look as though you'll get your wish until he's much older.
Sad, because you could be such an assert for her, she's a silly girl to be so pedantic.

Whether you're reasonable or not, she has blocked notifications from you on the phone. Surely that tells you how she is feeling about your communications?

There are lots of advantages for the child to caring for a young child in their own home. Your DIL is not being controlling with her child, she is parenting her way and doing what works for her. That's her right. Her turn to raise her child her way.

I can well understand parents not wanting child to be at GP s if there is a sound reason for that ie a heavy smoker in the house , but if all is well why not ? My AC would not have expected me to drive to theirs on cold , dark frosty mornings. Children adapt, can still have their naps - thank goodness! My GC love coming can't get out of the car fast enough to bake , paint , visit Grandma's park , help to put washing out and play in our large garden. They are so content to be here , my rules may be a bit different but they take that in their stride. I find it so much easier to be on home turf, if their parents are not happy with that then they can always pay an additional nursery fee!

I can understand the daughter in law wanting her child at home so his routine isn't disrupted, but equally I am wondering about the cost of petrol, which has to be considered; she should pay for it.
Is she planning to do different jobs on the same day, and come home in between?