AIBU to want to mind my grandson in my own home when his mum goes to work?

I can't believe some of the nasty remarks you are receiving on here! You are not being unreasonable, I looked after my two grandsons,( who are now teenagers) at my own home. I made sure we had loads of toys (charity shops ) and spent a fortune on Lego which they still get out to this day. Perhaps, as an earlier poster suggested, you should have said you would do it but at your house from the word go. If he goes to a nursery then he already has a disruption to his routine. From listening to friends with the same issue as you it seems this generation of mothers are obsessed with "routine" but it is what it is and you either have to go with it or politely stick to your guns. I did not enjoy being at my daughter's house, it was very small and the garden was a tip and a trip hazard, it still is! You sound a lovely grandmother but if she has blocked you it tells you all you need to know. Her, and more importantly your grandsons loss. I really hope it works out for you in the end.

Oregongran, maybe DIL doesn't see it as a favour? It's a disruption of her regular routine. I'm sure she already has childcare covered. I'd see DIL as doing the favour to the GP who has offered because GP wants to do it to get time with the GC. She has offered to let GM have what she wants but GM doesn't just want time with the GC, she also wants to make no concessions herself.

One poster said free childcare wasn't worth the hassle for her. Here in Oregon 2 half days for my youngest gc at 4yrs was $400 a month (this was aa few years ago)Toddlers were about twice that. Perhaps its cheaper there? DIL was offered a favor & instead of saying thank you DIL presents a list of demands. If DIL wants an employee let her pay for one.

@Redhead65

A sensible approach! Not everything needs to be a power struggle. It’s a temporary arrangement.

I was in a similar position all the child’s needs are where it lives everything on hand. What’s the problem going for a nice walk out with the baby in the pram getting fresh air. It’s hardly a full time job embrace your time together and enjoy it. Their house might not be to your liking but it’s their home and the environment your grandchild will be used too.

Excellent Mama2020; I think your comments sum this up perfectly.

I know how you feel. I have my granddaughters one day a week and I’m much happier to have them in my own home. My daughter doesn’t mind where I have them. If she passes my way she will drop them off otherwise I will pick them up. I don’t see anything wrong in asking at all. Just explain to her that you have made sure your house is safe and you would drop him back home at the end of the day. I don’t understand why some comments coming back to you are so unfriendly to be honest x

From my experiences a gran, a mixture of both works best.

The one thing that stands out to me is that they’re 20 mins away and sometimes naps can be an issue. Both my children would fall asleep in the car on any journey more than 5 mins and it would then be a nightmare to get them down for the night - especially if the impromptu car nap was later in the afternoon. Maybe DIL wants you to have him at hers for the same reason - to avoid extra naps that will give her a nightmare at bed time?

Obviously, I did have to drive with my children at times and put up with the consequences - that’s just life, but I’ll be honest between the ages of 1 1/2 and 3 I did try to avoid it where possible!!

Not sure you can lose out on what you didn’t ask for. DIL may want to pick up extra work but there’s no indication she wasn’t managing prior to the OP’s offer. This is such a small “issue” that isn’t worth OP getting worked up about. DIL wants the child home. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone raises their children differently. For some it is a no brainer to have them minded in their own home. For others it isn’t. No one way is right or wrong. This is just a minor example of the benefits of clear communication. If you have specific stipulations with a voluntary offer, say so upfront before you get someone to agree to half of what you want.

When my mom baby sat my children ... years ago she had them both at her home ... also remember the cost of fuel now aswell ... you may have offered but I would have thought it would have been at your home not hers ... if she ignors you, she would be the one to loose out

This is a few days over the summer - ossibly 6? I feel it barely needs discussing.
Your choice I suppose. Go there or don't do it.

@Shelflife

I think the key here is that the DIL didn’t ask for the childcare. I could see your point if this was a request by the parents. But when you offer to do childcare, you can either accept what the parents want or don’t and simply don’t provide the childcare.

Presumably DIL had other arrangements prior to gran offering. It’s not a situation where DIL didn’t have other options and asked her mother in law to mind the child. I wouldn’t offer a “favor” and then require certain stipulations. If OP has asked and DIL has declined to have the child mined in OP’s home, then it should be closed issue. OP should have been upfront about her desire. Instead, she had DIL agree and tried change the terms after the agreement. That is not reasonable at all.

As far as play groups go, that socialization is incredibly important (particularly since the pandemic). I wouldn’t want my child’s schedule disrupted in that way, either. That isn’t just for fun. It’s vital for their development.

I’m a mother to a toddler (I sometimes come here to gain perspective).

I have a somewhat similar arrangement with my MIL. She watches my son once a week for a few hours. I don’t necessarily need her to, but she has offered. I say yes because I appreciate her wanting to spend time with him and a little time to myself to do other things is nice, too. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement.

I won’t say you’re being unreasonable, but here is where your DIL may be coming from.

-toddlers have a much easier time with familiarity. My son naps better at home and most importantly sleeps better at night when he naps at home. Every time he naps or sleeps at my MIL’s I have a more difficult time getting him to bed at home afterwards. Sometimes, his sleep is thrown off for days after.
-packing up a toddler is a lot more stressful than an adult packing themself up. Even if grandma has some supplies on hand, I’m still going to pack his bags and end up walking in there if a bunch of stuff. Getting him to the car with all his stuff is a headache. A lot of the benefit for me is lost because packing and moving him, itself, is so stressful. Sometime I dread going anywhere (even to see friends) because the logistics of going out with a young toddler requires so much extra effort. Then we have to unpack him when we get home and figure out where everything is, put it back in place, etc.
-my home may be smaller than my MIL’s, but I know it’s childproofed to my child’s needs. My MIL’s home doesn’t have gates on her stairs, locks on the drawers, an unsecured china cabinet, furniture isn’t bolted to the walls, etc. I have a harder to being away from him when he is there because I’m worried about what he could get into. You
May think that’s overkill, but it’s natural for a mother to worry about her child’s safety.

I understand the preference to be in your own home and that you don’t like having to drive to her, but if you’re truly trying to help out, going to her is probably most helpful. Could you talk about splitting the arrangement? One week in your home, one week at their home?

Agree with mandrake

Their child, their rules.

DiL would like the child to continue with groups he's been to surely continuation is good?
If it all works after a time, maybe then the child could come to you some of the time. You could pick the child up & have him collected by the parents.
That seems to be what happens with us, but I take their lead. It works well.

I agree, AreWeThereYet, that's why I listed all the things we found necessary to make the DGC feel at home here when we cared for them just a couple of days a week before they started school. Luckily some favourite toys were hand-me-downs and some given by a neighbour whose children had outgrown them. TK Maxx was a good source of toys and books too.

Looking after a DGC on a very short-term basis would be better in his own home with familiar things around him.

There's a big difference between regular care giving over months or years and looking after a child once a week for a few weeks. If you have a child only for a few days over a few weeks it's not worth changing a child's routine and buying all the equipment you would need in you own home. And possibly the mum would like to be certain that the care giver and child will be able to cope with the changes. Maybe the mum doesn't think the caregiver's house is set up suitably to keep her child safe. So many 'maybes' and assumptions that can only be answered by the mum.

Problem solved then.

"However care givers also have rules, rules that are made to ensure the safety of the child and the GP."

Yes, and if the caregivers rules are not liked by the parents, guess what happens?
No caregiving will happen

If I was you seeing as I got stuck driving a half hour each way in heavy traffic to be there before my daughter in law left for work I say lay the law down now as later it is much harder and causes all kinds of upset. I had the same situation with the phone I had texted to say I was too tired (I go everyday) and she refused to acknowledge she received it or respond. In the end I tried calling but it would not go through. In end I had to go...

When I was looking after GC regularly it worked well for me to go to their house. However every circumstances is different. As there seem to be tensions over this arrangement a chat to discuss perspectives might help rater than ultimatums and terms. I hope it can be sorted out for all of you

PollyDolly, ' Their baby their rules ' I accept in the majority of situations. However care givers also have rules, rules that are made to ensure the safety of the child and the GP. When my GC are with me in my home I feel confident in my ability to care for them , the children also know they at at GM they feel happy and secure. I am content and this makes the children content. If GM if fine out of her own home then that is great but I knew 19 years ago it was childcare here or AC would have to find free child care elsewhere!!! I simply was not prepared to drive in all weathers in heavy traffic ! Not to mention the cost of Petrol. Parents can't have it all , if my DD's want their children to have free quality loving care from me then they bring the children here and collect them . After all they arrive at 7 .30am , sometimes have breakfast here , then lunch , then tea , bath and pj's on . In-between we have great fun , visiting places , painting , craft work , baking . They are collected 5.30 pm . What's not to like? When they have been collected I am tired abd have to tidy up the paint etc. My DDs agree they are getting a good deal and I can argue with that !!!

I agree Exdancer, some very harsh comments ! In this particular situation perhaps it might be wise to go along with DIL wishes - but not sure why !? For goodness sake children are not that ' fragile ' they manage change ! I repeat I would not be at my AC houses on a regular basis giving child care . A one off afternoon or evening babysitting is fine - no problem there ,but regular child care is on my terms !!!! and it has worked well for many years . Eldest GC now 19 and has fond memories of her Grandma days , youngest is 3. Of course I understand that parents wishes are important but so are the wishes of the care giver ! My GC are the offspring of daughters not sons so that may make a difference. My daughters have trusted me implicitly and we have sound relationships. I have always followed their wishes regarding food, naps etc and have respected those wishes. Each situation is unique I recognize that , but for me , regular child care is here !!