Disaster on holiday

I'm really glad you seem to have benefitted from the support and advice on this thread, Alfiefreddy1. As you have further commented with more information on what happened, I would just say this - because it's important and might make you feel stronger :

Your DH was struck in the eye by your eldest Daughter. This, whatever excuse you could try to make, was totally unprovoked and had he sustained serious injury due to his being assaulted in this way, she would have had no defence to her appalling actions. No one ever benefits from being struck in the eye and then falling. She had no idea what might have been wrong with him and her pointless act of aggression could have changed your lives forever.

She's since told you that you are 'dead to her'. Was this actually based on your speaking to her sister first? There's obviously a lot of jealousy going on here, together with anger and resentment. Only one person comes out of this well and that's the boyfriend who hugged your DH the following day! There would seem to be a lot which your Daughter needs to sort out for herself after apologising and hoping for forgiveness from her Father and you. Her Father was ill - there's not the slightest reason for her to be demanding proof of this. Even if she has some medical qualification - this is still totally outrageous.

It's possible that having an elder brother whose needs are such that, present or absent, he is in your minds and hearts a great deal of the time, is something that she is finding increasingly hard to deal with. Her violent reaction to this incident should now pave the way for her to seek help and get her feelings about you all straightened out in her head. You have the chance to turn this horrible event into something good. Don't let it be papered over and don't be bullied by her posturing, threatening or refusing to contact you. Focus on your own healing and the life you have with your DH. She's going to come around or she's not, but just wait until that happens.
In the meantime, your DH needs to explain himself no further and should wait for a full apology for the assault he sustained and for her total lack of sympathy or understanding. This needs to happen before he makes any moves towards reconciling with her. You should be waiting for some explanation as to why both DD's suggested you leave their Father and why they are treating you so badly. Where's the kindness and respect for you? Do they want to keep pushing you both for validation that the sun shines out of them and that whatever they do they're always going to get forgiven?

Please stop blaming yourself now. Your eldest Daughter has taken what was probably quite an alarming event and has turned it around into something for which she can make her Father the villain! Had the Police or Ambulance services been involved, it would be your Daughter's behaviour that evening which would be under the microscope and not that of your Husband! Your continuing regret and apologies will only be a distraction from these hard facts. You don't need forgiveness, so please don't let her do this to you any longer.

That's good information icanhandthemback, it might be worth AlfieFreddy passing it on to her daughter.

So your poor husband had a bit of a moan about the realities of looking after someone who is incontinent. My goodness, how utterly terrible of him! Honestly, you have to feel very sorry for him if he sometimes finds this unappealing. As someone who has had to do this for her step grandmother, her grandfather and her mother, I have huge sympathy for your husband.
As for the trying to get away and resisting attempts to help, it sounds so much like a hypoglaecemic attack. This can also happen to non-diabetics: Hypoglycemia is often related to diabetes treatment. But other drugs and a variety of conditions — many rare — can cause low blood sugar in people who don't have diabetes.

As hypoglycemia worsens, signs and symptoms can include:

Confusion, unusual behavior or both, such as the inability to complete routine tasks
Loss of coordination
Slurred speech
Blurry vision or tunnel vision
Nightmares, if asleep

These attacks are often confused for being drunk. Alcohol can occasionally cause this because the blood sugar shoots up quickly but then drops like a stone as the alcohol leaves the system. The NHS website says this about causes:

What causes a low blood sugar level

In people with diabetes, the main causes of a low blood sugar level are:

the effects of medicine – especially taking too much insulin, medicines called sulfonylureas (such as glibenclamide and gliclazide), medicines called glinides (such as repaglinide and nateglinide), or some antiviral medicines to treat hepatitis C
skipping or delaying a meal
not eating enough carbohydrate foods in your last meal, such as bread, cereals, pasta, potatoes and fruit
exercise, especially if it's intense or unplanned
drinking alcohol
Sometimes there's no obvious reason why a low blood sugar level happens.

If this was the case, your husband couldn't help his behaviour and would have had no warning that he couldn't drink alcohol. Berating him is a bit like giving him a hard time because he has epilepsy or appendicitis!

I agree with Bluebelle, the boyfriend sounds like a kind, forgiving sort of chap, maybe he could teach your daughter a thing or two about compassion

I think nandad has it right, all perceptions are different. All we can do here is support the poster as we perceive her problems.

My sympathy smooth things over as best you can.

My OH occasionally drinks too much at a party, thankfully he just goes to sleep, I can live with that!.

There is another post on GN “Daughter’s Childhood” (sorry can’t copy the link) regarding how we perceive things differently/misremember events. For your eldest daughter to react that way, not just to her father but in her comment to you about being disrespectful when you were leaving I think that there is an underlying issue, perhaps some jealousy of her sister?
As others have said let the dust die down then contact DD1 and see her on your own, maybe she might open up a little more and tell you what her issues are.
My eldest brother frequently misremembers our past, my other brother and I laugh it off as none of it so far has been that important or caused him grief but we often wonder why he is so different to the pair of us.

If your DH does not have a history of this type of behaviour (forgive me if I missed something) then your older DD was completely out of order to act as she did and she needs to apologise too.

Obviously a lot that has happened over the years, including the stress of being a carer for your now adult son, has been bottled up over the years and all came out when he was unwell.

I don't know what would be the best way forward, but your younger daughter might be the one who could be intermediary if she is willing, but I'd suggest leaving things to simmer down for a little while.

I think your daughters are in the wrong here. Your husband was having a bad reaction to medication mixed with alcohol. He was not in control of his behaviour.

Your daughters, however, are in control of how they react and and need to learn to have some understanding and compassion.

Thank you to that boyfriend for having an ounce of compassion in him
I might be quite wrong but your elder daughter sounds the main problem I thought your husband must have said awful hurtful things to the daughters but it sounds as if that wasn’t really the case, just hugely inappropriate probably distasteful stuff to discuss in public
Do the daughters have any love/care for their disabled brother
or their father ?
Let it all die down get the help needed, support your husband who sounds a nice man in normal circumstances, and hopefully with time things with the others will iron out a bit

Thank you. During the awful event dh just really focused on trying to get away ( apparently typical of delirium/dehydration) so he wasn’t abusive in a personal way just stubborn and insistent. As mentioned before he did bring up our son and how he has to take care of him in a personal hygiene sense- when our son comes home for visits. This is something dds probably didn’t want their bfs to hear….. DH wasn’t unpleasant towards them at all just got angrier and more confused by everything around him. We tried to make him drink water and to go to sleep but he would do neither- this was not the behaviour of a slightly drunk Dad this was a delirious upset confused man. Only one of the bfs the following day gave him a hug after DH apologised and my dh wept due to such kindness the other bf wouldn’t look at him. This is why I had to remove DH from the utter humiliation he was subjected to. But I totally understand how upset dds felt at the same time. When I told the youngest one to tell her sister ( who was in the shower) that we were removing ourselves from the villa so that they could then try to find some peace- the eldest after her shower came to find me and pointed her finger at me and told me I was disrespectful not to have told her first…. She then said “ you’re dead to me”. The pain is so awful. All I want is for them to be happy - truly. This forum has made me breathe again - physically I feel stronger and I’m so grateful. DH is having blood tests on Monday and started therapy yesterday. I won’t be making contact with dds - I will wait for them to come to me. Although they probably want to see evidence that DH was unwell ( there isn’t any of course) and they probably expect me to make contact with them first - but I tried that and I was ignored and I don’t really want to be in that position anymore. Thank you for helping me everyone I really mean it you’re amazing to take the time to ‘chat’ ?

Farmor21. That is not a BP med it is simvastatin a statin to lower cholesterol. No dinking grapefruit juice with it.

I feel very sorry for you and your husband yes I do feel sorry for him and he must be totally mortified if it’s out of his control and unlike his normal behaviour
We don’t know what was said or how bad the words were, but for your eldest daughter to punch her father in the eye making him fall backwards I think is unforgivable

He has done everything he can, you left the holiday quickly, he’s been to the doctor, he’s written apologising and asking forgiveness to all four involved (no sackcloth and ashes) he’s getting therapy.
It was awful and we don’t know how hurtful the words were but their reaction particularly elder daughter is the problem
If they can’t forgive a humble parent then it’s them with the problem
I d step back, support your husband and hopefully memories will fade although I think this is the excuse your elder daughter needed to have a go at this man and it won’t happen quickly

Family holidays often seem a better idea than reality
My friend and husband paid for a big family holiday for themselves, two daughters, husbands and grandkids. Two daughters fell out big time and holiday was completely broken up, absolute disaster one flew back and others remained, but miserable
Keep your chin up alfiefreddy ?

Sorry to suggest this but is it possibly a matter of 'in vino veritas'? Were these deep seated feelings that he usually keeps to himself?

There are so many thoughtful, compassionate responses here. It’s also good to see Alfievreddy1 continuing to post and finding the responses helpful.
Your older daughter punching her father in the face seems an extreme reaction. I wonder if alcohol and unfinished emotional resentment influenced that. It was obviously a frightening and distressing incident. As Annodomini says earlier, yiur husband’s behaviour could be a brief psychotic episode. It’s good he’s seen his doctor.
Yiu and your husband seem to be doing all you can to rebuild family relationships. I wonder why your adult children are resisting that. Only you can reflect on the dynamics which suggest either your children are being unfair, or there are underlying tensions this incident brought to the fore.
Do you feel it could help if you and your daughters met to talk things over?
I do hope things improve for all of yiu.
Incidentally, my husband takes blood pressure meds, never been advised to avoid alcohol.

It does seem that your eldest DD has used this incident to air her grievance with her dad. For instance she was the one we actually punched him to the ground. He's apologised, his behaviour was out of character, what more can be done? I would suggest giving everyone time to get over it. Having said that I think that maybe he's ate enough humble pie and you both need to move on. Constantly apologising does not seem to have poured oil in troubled water. Time to forgive and forget.

Alfiefreddy1

Thank you. Yes he was talking rubbish, random things repeatedly. He did mention our son but he’s always had trouble dealing with the issues involved and the pain of it. Both dd know how much he loves them he tells them often. They both live away from home with bfs and have good relationships.

Both dd know how much he loves them he tells them often.

That stands out for me - not every man can articulate his affection for his children, and I commend him for doing so.

I hope your DDs can have a period of reflection when they've calmed down from what was obviously a shocking episode, and remember this.

I think the dust has to settle completely before anyone can move on (as they say). But it will. Time usually heals, and other things happen in life which take precedent.

Sorry for your situation - you really are a piggy-in-the-middle.

Couldn't agree more Grandmafrench! Daughters being very unforgiving!;

dragonfly46

Btw Hithere our doctors have not told us not to drink with blood pressure tablets. My DH drinks wine with no ill effects!

Neither has mine dragonfly46

Did he say things that he thinks but doesn't usually say? That would hurt.

Thank you. Yes he was talking rubbish, random things repeatedly. He did mention our son but he’s always had trouble dealing with the issues involved and the pain of it. Both dd know how much he loves them he tells them often. They both live away from home with bfs and have good relationships.

What were the dreadful things your h said over and over again? That's the question. Your d, she wouldn't remember your h leaving at 2 years of age so what's her real problem.You both have the worry of your son with cerebral palsy. These things all need exploring between you and your h. I wouldn't contact any of them until you've sorted out what's really going on. Your eldest d should not have got physical, she fueled the flames. Is she jealous in some way, does she want to divide. I know if I drink a large glass of wine, I have to stop because I can't handle it. If it was not a personal attack with home truths and just garbage, be easy on yourself, most people have been worst for wear at some point, usually enough to not make same mistake again. I'm sorry you are piggy in the middle. Let the dust settle. He is your husband, you love him. You've both apologised. You know thecrealmhim, that's enough.

Taking everything at face value, that what happened was out of character, that he is not a heavy drinker, that nothing like this had ever happened before. Personally, although thoroughly shaken by the event, I would see it for what it was, a one off event when he was not in his right mind. I would want him to see a doctor for a thorough examination for both our and our children's sakes. I would expect my AC to react in a similar way.

Gransnet has helped me so much today and it’s so good to read all of the replies. Advice has been invaluable and so many wise owls looking in from outside!
Xx

Thank you so much for your understanding and sympathy for this event.