Feeling needy

That’s a great idea welbeck. I will definitely do that.

OP, maybe you could send a postcard to each of the distant GC now and again. it would be a novelty for them. doesn't have to be tourist views; many local museums etc sell them.
i remember getting cards from the USA once or twice and it was v interesting, to think it had come all that way, across the ocean, different stamps, even different handwriting. i think the stamp depicted the statue of liberty.

I was thinking your son is used to you calling so it is now an unwritten agreement

So glad they called!

You have a very close and frequent contact with your family, they clearly love you very much

Glad you are feeling better lippyqueen and have heard from both your children.
Enjoy your day.

Good news!

Thank you to all who have posted. It certainly makes me realise that I am not alone in feeling needy. Just to let you know, my son did call. He said he always lets me instigate the call as he is never sure what time we get up!! It is as a couple of you have pointed out Fathers Day in Australia so he has been busy with his own family. My daughter also called earlier so I am much happier. I think I tend to overthink everything. No idea why, it seems to have happened as I have got older!! I also have a very dear friend who lives about 10 minutes from her children and has a great involvement in their and her grandchildren’s lives. It is hard not to compare but as several have pointed out, it is different for ever and I definitely do not want to feel like a “duty” box to be ticked. It is great to be able to air our feelings on here.

As to our parents, despite being busy I always made sure ours were included as often as possible. Neither having cars meant us having to pick them Up from two different directions, one 180 mile round trip.The other 30 miles away and we did it because they were our family, parents and grandparents, and important to us.
At times I have felt as sad as those older people I mentioned earlier because I too also older, would like to see a bit more of my dd and GC.before they get to the age where their activities and interest is with their own friends.

Sounds a wonderful holiday luckygran. Glad you enjoyed the special time with your family.

I let mine contact me, then I know it is because they want to talk or meet up and not because they have to. I would not like them to feel the way I do about my mother.

I contact my mother because I feel guilty if I do not, I resent having to visit her, conversation is always a long list of complaints and negativity about everyone. If she were a nicer person there would be visits everyday from myself and siblings.

I am not saying this is the same as your position at all, there is no point in me repeating advice already given, I am just telling my position.

... we were ....

I returned from Provence yesterday where I was with one of my DD's and family for one week and with the whole crowd (14 of us) for the second week.

I financed the second week for them all out of a minor windfall that came my way (return of my late OH's care costs after a legal appeal) and I decided to spend some of it on hiring a beautiful and luxurious place in Provence for a week for us all; and the first week arose because that DD and family wanted to go for an extra week and I tagged along to make my travel easier by going with them.

It was a true joy and I have some wonderful memories to treasure. But it will not happen again - I know that - it was a special one-off and all the more precious for that. And individual DDs were already planning their next holiday in which I of course will not feature - and why should I? - they have their own lives to lead and family memories to make for themselves.

It can be hard to feel that you have become a bit of an irrelevance, especially when, like me, you are now in your own. But you have two choices: accept it with a good grace, or become bitter and angry and a general P in the A.

It is worth looking back on how much we contacted our own parents when we are in the thick of bringing up our families.

20 not 30 years ago, not that it matters I suppose,

When one gets older, maybe alone and perhaps more frail, seeing or hearing from someone you care about brightens a dull day and makes things feel so much better.
No doubt our children care but sometimes loneliness can overwhelm us. Our children constantly tell us how busy they are, we were busy too when they were children, but still found time to include our parents in our lives.
As part of my job 30 odd years ago, I visited elderly people. Many of them had children, some living very close by, but they were lonely as the children didn’t visit often. They always made excuses fir their children, and it made me sad as many really needed a bit of practical help and a big hug.

Very true silverlining

Please just facetime your son and wish him a happy fathers day.

There is nothing wrong with you always being the one to instigate the call, that is your routine together.

Otherwise you have just assigned him a test he doesn't know about and you will just hurt yourself if he fails it.

It's hard when relationships aren't what we wish they would be, I do understand. But we are all responsible for our own happiness in life. So take that responsibility back, and be happy in all your roles in life. You are far more than mum and grandmother.

I think it’s just the way things are.
Oddly, our children push much more to do things, and go places than we do.
My cynical son says it’s because we always pay for everything, and I’m sure there’s a grain of truth in there!
But, they all seem to enjoy having us around.
I do see the day when the oldest grandchildren will start to disappear from our lives, and that’s to be expected, I suppose just make the most of things while you can.
I may feel more needy if I was on my own and retired, but I think I would try very hard not to show it.
So call your son, and enjoy your chat, you know what men can be like, he’ll be waiting for you to call because you always do!

I don't think children are more important to their parents than their parents are to them. I just think people express things differently. My husband's parents are very important to him but he would not think to call them every week. He is incredibly self-sufficient, and also takes the no news is good news approach! I know this is particularly difficult for MIL who has said before that she needs to be needed. Expectations may not be aligned, but they are definitely very important to him. I'm sure they are thinking of you.

It probably makes things harder if friends, other family and especially close neighbours ( “they are there again”) get frequent invites or visits from their children and grandchildren. You are not alone lippyqueen.

I understand your need and am in a similar position. My daughter lives in Australia and has just started a fulltime teaching job. Her sons are aged 14 and 12 and are busy with various sports. My son also lives in Australia and his wife also has a busy job. They have a four year old son and as both parents can often work from home they luckily have plenty of time with him. However, he has now started nursery and various sports and has never been patient chatting on FaceTime so I have to make do with occasional video clips of his activities.
As has been pointed out, ‘sometimes we have to accept our children are always more important to us than perhaps we are to them’. Although waiting for expected calls is upsetting and can become a bit of an obsession, I feel it’s important to ensure that we don’t make contact seem a duty.

Hi lippyqueen. I’m in Australia so I thought I’d let you know it’s Father’s Day here, today. Probably not a good day to expect a call from him. So if I was you, I would call him this time .?

Personally, I don’t expect my kids to call regularly, but hubby feels the need to keep in touch by calling them regularly. Everyone is different and I’m not sure that there is a right or wrong way to feel in this instance. My kids and I do text quite a bit though. They will text me back when they are not busy with kids and partners and work.

I agree with Germanshepherdsmum ...don't start waiting to see if they ring. You enjoy your Sunday talks with your son and he is happy to chat. If you don't call him he will be getting on with a hundred other things parents of young children have to do, never dreaming that you are hurt that he hadn't called you. I would give him a ring as usual lippyqueen then get on with enjoying your day ?

It is a sad time for grandparents when small DGCs grow up and on into busy lives. I'm aware that we might seem a bit of a chore for the ACs. 'Seeing Mum and Dad' a bit of a box to be ticked. . However, there's nothing else for it than to get on with our lives and make them as interesting and satisfying as possible then at least we'll have something to talk about when they call.

My own mother, now RIP, was always accusing me of not phoning. I did phone, but when I did the conversation was always about her which put me off. I’m not saying this is the case with you, but with my own grownup children I recognise they have their own lives and their own children and families have priority. Let them go and they will come back. Cling and they will back off even further. X

I feel the same sometimes and I don't think the lockdown helped but I do think we just have to go with the flow as the AC all work full time and like me your GC are teenagers and nowadays have numerous interests. Try to enjoy your life as it is.

I wouldn’t say unreasonable, but perhaps unrealistic. Our adult children have busy lives and of course their children and partners are their top priority. I entirely understand what you’re feeling, but you’re only in your sixties and have a happy marriage - so many who have your feelings are much older and alone. Try to appreciate the contact you do have, and don’t start the ‘waiting to see if they call’ game, which will end in tears. Do your best to make a social life for yourself which isn’t dependent on your children.