HELP a first time grandma

Our relationship was fine . We welcomed her into the family with open arms . Before he was born they lived in London so very much lived the London life . Before he was born they moved closer so they had more of a support network . They plan to go back to London someday but their plans change every time I see them

I still work full time so I arrange to visit once a week but I get there by 6pm as soon as I finish work . I don’t like to stay long as my son works from home so I’m breaking into his time with his son . Weekends is his time with him . I’m extremely proud of his relationship with his son . He learnt from the best how not to be a father and he is the perfect dad .

Absolutely fine. I raised him as a single mum and I love his GF.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here. Your son sounds as if he's being a bit thoughtless and not realising that you're feeling left out. It's true that new mothers often turn to their own mum but maybe make it clear to your son that even though you're working you're very happy to be a bit more involved.

Some young parents nowadays seem to have all kinds of reservations about anyone touching their baby and, of course, the pandemic hasn't helped.

1. Her parents are retired, while you work full-time. They have more time available.

2. What they're doing with the other grandparents is, quite frankly, not your business. How many times when your children were young did they say, "But so-and-so gets to do/have/go to X! Why can't I?" What was your response then?

3. Asking not to touch the baby's face or hands is quite reasonable. Young babies do not have a robust immune system and it is recommended not to expose them to germs unnecessarily. They may well have been given this advice from their care provider.

"My son and his gf have had my grandson 3months ago . My problem is this . I see him for very short burst of time . An hour here or an hour there . I do work full time and I have told them what ever they want I’m there .

---In just 3 months you have seen the baby for short periods of time. Sounds normal for a person who works.

"Her parents are retired and have three other girls . This is the first grandchild on there side . This is where the problem lies . They are always with her parents but they have never even bought him to mine . I have to go to there house

---Does it matter how many daughters they have? Does it matter their number of GC?

---Invite them to yours.

"I was told at the start no social media at all . Now her parents post pics so does she. My son is not a big believer in it Photos are now being posted on Facebook from her parents of family days out etc all with the baby

---Follow your son's lead and Facebook beliefs, he is your connection to his family. Keep up contact to your son, invite through him, and do invite them over and accept 'no thank you' graciously.

"I asked them to come to Sunday lunch as my brother was visiting and they came but when people asked for a cuddle said “ yes but don’t touch his hands or face” I was so embarrassed.

--- They're good parents, keeping baby safe. Covid is still here.

"I have paid for massages at the place they are going as a special treat but turn out today her whole family is going . Next year a family holiday abroad is booked. It’s around his 1 st birthday. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

---Invite DS, for the 3 of them to do something with you.

It's not that you are doing anything wrong, it's just one of those things. We get on well with our son's partner and have a good relationship with her and their 2 little boys, but she sees more of her own mum, which is perfectly natural. As someone said concentrate on building your own relationship with everyone.

Princessjonsie you're not doing anything wrong at all, so don't worry about that.

Social media is a potential minefield. I'm thinking you mean Facebook? I never post anything on it about my grandchildren though my daughter does, but that's her prerogative.

I wouldn't ask for a cuddle with such a young baby but would wait for it to be offered. Babies are not a "pass the parcel."

You say they've never brought the baby to yours, but came for Sunday lunch?

Don't try to compete with the other grandparents and their family.
How often would you have seen your son and his girlfriend before they had their baby? Concentrate on your relationship with them first of all.

I was a bit taken aback at your post when you said your son and his GF had given birth to your grandson. They gave birth to their own son. You do get to see the baby. You invite them and they come round. Perhaps the GF's parents are paying for the holiday so it would be a bit odd for you to come too.
Give things time. Things will settle down and will be less stressful for you.

It does seem sad, and I feel for you, do you know the in-laws at all? It seems a bit unkind of them, they must know you are longing to spend more time with the family, they could suggest you be included.

I guess the other thing is, as you’ve said, they are retired and you are working full time, they probably don’t want to over burden you, her parents are probably time rich.

If I were in your situation, I wouldn’t say anything, don’t give anyone an excuse to criticise you, just be supportive and friendly and see how that works out.

I see a lot more of DDs 2 girls than I do of my sons DD .....I only see her once a week..... I'm on holiday now with my DD and her girls but we always had hols together before they were born....I think its often the way....no harm meant by it ....doesn't sound like 'you're doing anything wrong

What was your relationship like before their baby came along?

If she's close to her parents then she will be close to her parents once her baby comes along. That's completely normal.

Secretsquirrel1

My daughter’s expecting a baby and I’ve already heard about no touching baby’s face etc.
I don’t think the pandemic has helped as it’s made everyone a nervous wreck particularly new mums.
Your baby grand son is still only a few months and I’m sure your DIL will eventually feel a bit less worried as he gets bigger.
Often I think the mums feel like it’s easier to say what they want to their own mums as they don’t have to worry about upsetting them. My daughter has no problem telling me what she wants me to do or not do and is often quite short with me and other family members where as She’d worry about causing an upset with ml and so is way more careful.
I think that’s why my daughter might feel more relaxed around us.
I’d encourage your daughter in law to give you any instructions regarding baby. Tell her you would much rather she tells you if there’s anything she wants to tell you as obviously things have changed a lot since your children were babies.
Take any instructions cheerfully and flollow her rules so everything is easy. Avoid any dramas like the plague lol
X

This sounds like great advice. I’ll be remembering it, thank you.

My daughter’s expecting a baby and I’ve already heard about no touching baby’s face etc.
I don’t think the pandemic has helped as it’s made everyone a nervous wreck particularly new mums.
Your baby grand son is still only a few months and I’m sure your DIL will eventually feel a bit less worried as he gets bigger.
Often I think the mums feel like it’s easier to say what they want to their own mums as they don’t have to worry about upsetting them. My daughter has no problem telling me what she wants me to do or not do and is often quite short with me and other family members where as She’d worry about causing an upset with ml and so is way more careful.
I think that’s why my daughter might feel more relaxed around us.
I’d encourage your daughter in law to give you any instructions regarding baby. Tell her you would much rather she tells you if there’s anything she wants to tell you as obviously things have changed a lot since your children were babies.
Take any instructions cheerfully and flollow her rules so everything is easy. Avoid any dramas like the plague lol
X

I think it's just the way things are that maternal grandparents get more time with new grandchildren as more often than not a new mum wants her own mum to help...I have a son and a daughter so Iv been on both sides of the fence....You need to let your son know how much the baby means to you and you feel frozen out...Try and be as tactful as possible and not bad mouth his partner or her parents. I had this conversation with my son and he brought my GS to see me every week. 6 years later things have settled down and I collect my GS from school...My daughter in law and I get along reasonably well now. Hope it works out for you PRINCESSJONSIE

You shouldn't be embarrassed they asked for babies hands and face not to be touched, you should be proud they are protecting.

You invited them and they came... have you tried inviting them for other things?

Holidays and things, have you asked about that? Have you tried arranging time?

It could be that the other grandparents are just more proactive at making plans

It could also be that they are actually quite pushy

It's never good to compare to the other grandparents, unless there is something they are doing or not doing that would help you have a closer relationship.

Baby is just 3 months old... still tiny and with parents where they belong. Lots of time to develop a good relationship

the fact that you felt embarrassed by the reasonable request for people not to touch GS's hands or face, is perhaps a clue to the situation.
you are not on the same page as the parents.
and don't sound as if you really want to be.
it was quite a concession for them to come to the lunch, and to allow hugs at all, many would not,
but you don't seem to appreciate that.

How is your relationship with your son and gf before baby?

Please do not compare what her side of the family get vs you get.

And, thanks to Smilesless for your post.

You’ve focussed on your new grandchild in this post, above any relationship with his parents or maternal grandparents.
Why were you embarrassed that his parents asked people not to touch his hands or face? We are in a pandemic. Babies are vulnerable and many parents might have stayed home rather than bring their tiny baby to meet his extended family.

I don’t intend to sound unkind but it really isn’t a competition between grandparents. Many first time mothers look to their own mother for support and guidance. You’re doing some good things to build a relationship with your daughter in law. That along with positive relationships with your son and the rest of your grandson’s extended family will ensure good relationshi

You're not doing thing wrong Princessjonsie. It's more often than not the way of things that the maternal GP's see more of a GC than the paternal GP's.

It really is up to your son to step up here and make sure that his parents see their GC too, after all the child is his as much as her's.

Not touching a baby's face and hands seems to be the way things are nowadays. Not like when our's were babies so can seem odd.

I don't understand why this is often the case now. We always made sure that Mr. S's. parents weren't excluded or made to feel that they were being.

I'm sorry that this is casting a shadow over you being GP's but hopefully things will become more even in the future. In the mean time, enjoy the time you do get to spend with your GC and congratulations.