Grandparents and Christmas

It’s up to her DM, your DD to decide on all Christmas plans. Nip it in the bud now, I say.

Is DD sure they aren’t planning to let her DS have access during any time they are allowed?

Perhaps your DD needs to make the arrangements with the GPs more formal and less at their requests. Perhaps she could discuss this with them, having first worked out what she wants from them. If it isn't easy to tell them things her other option is to put it in a letter or email. I'd suggest a limit to term time contacts-perhaps one weekend a month, set times during school holidays and set arrangements for Christmas. It might help to tell them that the arrangements must be discussed with her first and not the children, then have a set calendar for every year.
They may get upset about this, but they need to realise there are limits they can't cross.

Annie JM, has your DD thought of inviting the other GP to her house for Christmas Lunch that way the GD will be with both after all you did say they were very supportive to your DD when she split from her husband also your GD must be quite fond of them when she is allowed to visit them so often.

awful situation. Not easy to deal with. Not sure how far away pat GPs are, but your DD needs to be firm with them. thank them for their appreciated support pointing out that GD staying for 4 days over Christmas clashes with family plans. Not clear if father is involved with this situation. Might be best to go through him but he might think its his turn for Christmas, particularly if he hasn't had GD before for a special holiday. Very difficult - needs lots of tact and patience

My first thought would be, are you sure the GD got the right end of the stick? Seems such a preposterous thing to come up with and such a thoughtless, diabolical way to go about things. If GD is not mistaken then the answer of course is, no way, and the sooner the GP's are told this the better. Just seems out of character as you say they have been so supportive in the past.

Nannashirlz

What does the court order state you don’t mention that. My son has his all sorted with court order unfortunately his ex wife doesn’t always agree. If I want to spend time with my granddaughter from his first marriage I get it when it’s his time I don’t get her over night now they are divorced but agreement is if my son has her Christmas then mum has her new year’s and following year they swap it. Last year my son had her Christmas and this year he will have her new year’s and on new year’s we have our Christmas Day with her. But that’s mum and dad not mum and gran. Grandparents have no rights unfortunately and they are very lucky to have her on her own and over night all them things stopped when mine got divorced. Have she asked your granddaughter where she wants to be. It shouldn’t be a tug of war

There is no court order that mentions the GPs having custody. The father is estranged, and court order does not allow contact - for reasons that do not need discussing on here.
DD has allowed contact with the GPs as they have no contact with their son and are not to blame for his actions

The girl's mother decides, and as the child wants to be at home with her mum, step-dad and little sister, there is no problem.

Your daughter tells her former in-laws that their grand-daughter will spend Christmas at home with her family, and please will they not in future extend any invitations at all to their grand-daughter without consulting her mother first, from now until the girl's 18th birthday.

The grandparents may go into a huff, but they have the most to lose here, as the child's mother has a perfect right to decide when or if they may see their grand-daughter.

It is to be hoped these grand-parents acted without thinking things through, but that is bad enough. Far worse if they get away with this, because what else will they in future give their grand-daughter permission to do that her mother could reasonably object to?

What does the court order state you don’t mention that. My son has his all sorted with court order unfortunately his ex wife doesn’t always agree. If I want to spend time with my granddaughter from his first marriage I get it when it’s his time I don’t get her over night now they are divorced but agreement is if my son has her Christmas then mum has her new year’s and following year they swap it. Last year my son had her Christmas and this year he will have her new year’s and on new year’s we have our Christmas Day with her. But that’s mum and dad not mum and gran. Grandparents have no rights unfortunately and they are very lucky to have her on her own and over night all them things stopped when mine got divorced. Have she asked your granddaughter where she wants to be. It shouldn’t be a tug of war

Blooming cheek agree with Paddy ♡

NotSpaghetti

Hithere

Even if it is "their" weekend - which is not, this is not a court order arrangement from what I read

Big events take priority
In court orders in the US, mothers day, fathers day, xmas, thanksgiving, easter, bday of parents and child - are clearly a nuclear family oriented event and dealt as such

How do you know?

And who discussed court orders?

I was simply trying to understand how this may have transpired. Things can and do develop into major crisis from small assumptions.

I was just quietly wondering how this situation may have come about.

So was I as it seems an odd thing to do. It should of course have been discussed with mum first.

I think it should be sorted out in an amicable way.

Who was most upset I wonder, DD or DGD. 10 year olds can and do make up their own minds.

I have seen from AnnieJM that this is an issue BTW. Not saying it isn't.

Hithere

Even if it is "their" weekend - which is not, this is not a court order arrangement from what I read

Big events take priority
In court orders in the US, mothers day, fathers day, xmas, thanksgiving, easter, bday of parents and child - are clearly a nuclear family oriented event and dealt as such

How do you know?

And who discussed court orders?

I was simply trying to understand how this may have transpired. Things can and do develop into major crisis from small assumptions.

I was just quietly wondering how this situation may have come about.

Your dd has herself set up an excellent case for GPR

I would talk to a lawyer and make sure she puts grandparents in their place without giving them more ammunition

It's not their weekend, as they don't share custody, or have parental rights.
They have contact, in the way other GPs do, but increasingly seem to be making parental decisions behind the backs of the parents.
Booking holidays, in term time, arranging family gatherings at weekends when GD has swimming lessons (that are prepaid) and generally expecting they can dictate what she does and when!

Even if it is "their" weekend - which is not, this is not a court order arrangement from what I read

Big events take priority
In court orders in the US, mothers day, fathers day, xmas, thanksgiving, easter, bday of parents and child - are clearly a nuclear family oriented event and dealt as such

You are right NotSpaghetti Christmas is a weekend this year, could that have prompted them to realise it would be their weekend.

I completely agree with you Sago, we do likewise. For us, Christmas is for children and whenever it was the turn of our GDs to share the day with their other family, their excitement continued knowing they would have another Christmas Day on Boxing Day with us.

Lucca

Kalu

Christmas appears to be such a hugely expensive commercial event for many now. Add to that the amount of family fall outs caused by whose turn is it to host, who to invite, who not to invite. Happens every year without fail.

All that aside, I hope your GD enjoys the day OP.

And that’s what I was saying !

I clearly understood what you were saying Lucca
When so many people are planning get togethers on one specific day, family feuds are more noticeable than those that occur on any given day throughout the year.

Is Christmas a weekend this year?
Is it by chance on "their" weekend?

Every Christmas for me was a nightmare until my narcissistic mother died in 2020.
She ruined it every year either by being present and causing trouble or when we had my in laws and not her causing even more trouble.
I refuse to be like her.
We have 3 AC and 2 GC, they have all been told they are very welcome to come but also we are happy if they spend Christmas elsewhere, I don’t care about the date just the quality of time we have when we are together.

Kalu

Christmas appears to be such a hugely expensive commercial event for many now. Add to that the amount of family fall outs caused by whose turn is it to host, who to invite, who not to invite. Happens every year without fail.

All that aside, I hope your GD enjoys the day OP.

And that’s what I was saying !

Christmas appears to be such a hugely expensive commercial event for many now. Add to that the amount of family fall outs caused by whose turn is it to host, who to invite, who not to invite. Happens every year without fail.

All that aside, I hope your GD enjoys the day OP.

Namsnanny

Luccu You cant deny squabbling goes on..

Of course, any subject can create a squabble. You only have to look at any thread on GN.
Not exclusive to Christmas I dont think though, and not the point of this thread moreover.

Oh excuse me for commenting…..

This one is easy. 'No."

M0nica

just thank them for their invitation and say that you have yet to think about arrangements for Christmas, but you will bear their invitation in mind when deciding what to do.

Talk to them as if you see it as an invitation, not a decision, as, of course, the child's mother, is the person with the final decision rests with.

I like this. Its more tactful than my thoughts, but perhaps the least conflict ridden way.

(10 is old enough to ask what SHE wants to do.)

(Heck... I wouldn't even dream of demanding anything. I accept what I get offered as a gran and am glad to be offered time... and yes there are 3 sets of grans involved)