Grandparents and Christmas

Agree with others who have said treat it as an invitation not a done deal. One of the problems we all have is attributing motives to other people's words and actions. Assume the best of motives, tell them at a suitable point that she'll be staying at home and, if necessary, have a chat about expectations/arrangements at a later date.

Past

Lucca
Oh excuse me for commenting!
You're right to point out I jumped too soon.
The thread was about Christmas and family, and I shouldn't have been so touchy.
A bit of context, I have been jumped on in the passed for liking some aspects of Christmas, and saw your original comment as another pile on or moan about Christmas in general.
My apologies.

Lucca

One of the reasons I loathe Christmas All this planning ahead and squabbling over who goes where.

A great shame that it ever happens. We once had a student friend of a dd to stay over Christmas - his parents were divorced and he was so upset over being pulled this way and that over which to go to, he opted for neither.

Of course I did a stocking for him - everyone in this house gets one - but his mother had given him a much more lavish one!

How about this one: tell 10 yr old that granny and grandpa are getting a bit old and dopey and have got it all wrong! That they meant as that she is to spend just the 27th with them........? And that she and mummy will be doing their own thing.....

AnnieJM

DD has a 10 year old daughter, from her first marriage and 5 year old daughter from her second. Father of 10 year old is estranged from daughter, and from his parents - her stepdad treats her as his own, and she is secure and settled.
DD maintains contact with paternal grandparents, and GD stays with them about once a month.
They have now planned Christmas, and informed the 10 year old, before consulting with DD, that they intend to pick her up Christmas Eve and for her to spend Christmas with their extended family until 27th!
DD is upset that they could even contemplate the thought of her spending Christmas without her parents, but also that they informed GD of plans before asking DD.
How would you deal with this?

Don't you breathe a word in all this keep it very hush hush for your own safety!!

The mother of the child must defend her child! SHE and she alone calls the shots! See father of course at Christmas and grandparents but hijack her all holidays? So out of order it's laughable! She needs to put her foot down with a iron fist!

I would say, keep out of it.

All family invited - ( I have enough room ) if any don’t want to come that’s fine, it’s entirely up to them. Those that do want to celebrate Christmas with us they all chip in! Be where you want to be!

How would you deal with this? was your original question!

I would advise my daughter (the child's mother!) to:

1. Tell them that GD enjoys her time with them and that she is pleased they have developed that arrangement and that GD enjoys herself and her experienc3es with them when she can

2. Ask them to in future make NO arrangements whatever for anything without FIRST discussing any POSSIBLE arrangements to avoid disappointment both for granddaughter and for them. Such arrangements include all family events - ask first, don't assume, so that compromises can POSSIBLY be reached

It can all be said kindly, but it must be said!

What I would NOT do is immediately jump to confrontationally reducing visits etc ...partly because that is not conducive to maintaining positive family relationships but also because of the sad impact on the little girl who generally likes spending time with her GPs!!

Glad to hear it’s not happening OP. If grandparents are offended, that’s their problem - not your DD’s. It’s up to a mum to decide where her daughter spends Christmas - don’t know what they were thinking of!

Paternal grandparents need to step back a bit as they don’t have any legal rights.

If DGD is spending time with them once a month then one has to assume that she has a loving relationship with GPs and enjoys spending time with them. It would be such a shame if this relationship changes because of this.

DD should invite GPs to her house and all sit down and talk to one another. Let paternal grandparents know how they feel about these arrangements for holidays etc.,that are made during school term time which clearly isn’t right and should be always bet discussed with DD.

Sort it out without falling out for GDs sake.

GrammyGrammy

Glorianny

Just thought if your DD wants to give a god reason for the change she could point out the child will be transferring to secondary school soon and will have more homework/after school activities and will be much more settled if her home life is clear and organised before the school move.

Horribly poor communication to not tell the truth and speak plainly.

But some people never accept things without being given a reason. It isn't poor communication it's using something to communicate when the person you are dealing with is difficult or unreasonable. Good communication requires both parties to listen and sometimes that doesn't happen.

Having read your updated posts it sounds as though your DD has gone above and beyond trying to accommodate what sound increasing demands from the paternal grandparents. It is not acceptable for them to book holidays in term time or disrupt prepaid activities like swimming lessons etc. Unfortunately it may not be pleasant in the short term but your DD may have to be very firm on holding to what she feels is right for your GD and their family, and put it back on her terms.

'They need to realize the monthly visit is a privilege, not a right' A bit like a monthly prison visit when in solitary confinement? But only if they walk on eggshells? Family life isn't the norm? Isn't to be expected?

Cagsy

If so much contact makes the GPs think they are coparenting, they need to have their expectations reset

They need to realize the monthly visit is a privilege, not a right

These grandparents are very wrong.

But to Xmas generally we have decided we will do things just us. We won't plan visits to anyone,and won't expect anyone. We will eat a huge dinner,. Put the heating on and read or do something quiet.

If we have any gifts we will open them at some point during Xmas day. But our festive period will be quiet, without dramas or upsets. A perfect day

Wise words Cagsy

Hithere I obviously think the grandparents went about this in completely the wrong way but why would you reduce contact and overnight stays? Surely there's enough broken-hearted grandparents on here for us to realise how difficult life can be for them and their grandchildren.

Diane7

Oh dear, but if the subject is grandparents & Christmas. I am nearly 70 but young at heart & am on my own. I would love to spend Christmas day on my own, in pj's eating nibbles, chocolate, drinking wine, watching tv etc. Problem is my family don't want me to do that, so I go to a family member feeling like a spare part wondering how soon can I leave. Am I baah humbug ?

Yes, bah humbug, anti- social and anti-family. If you are a grand-mother why on earth when included and placed at the centre of things would you feel like a spare part?!
Many grandparents have never even seen a photo of their beloved grandchildren, nor do they know if they even have them.
You are very blessed and are too far self- absorbed to see it.

Glorianny

Just thought if your DD wants to give a god reason for the change she could point out the child will be transferring to secondary school soon and will have more homework/after school activities and will be much more settled if her home life is clear and organised before the school move.

Horribly poor communication to not tell the truth and speak plainly.

Just thought if your DD wants to give a god reason for the change she could point out the child will be transferring to secondary school soon and will have more homework/after school activities and will be much more settled if her home life is clear and organised before the school move.

Sorry I missed that bit then no argument to have your daughter is allowing them to spend time with their granddaughter at goodwill. She doesn’t have to do it. I think if she can’t speak to them in person write them a letter saying I’m her mum and I decide when you can have her I allow you this time at goodwill I don’t want to fall out over this from now you ask me first you can have etc

Oh dear, but if the subject is grandparents & Christmas. I am nearly 70 but young at heart & am on my own. I would love to spend Christmas day on my own, in pj's eating nibbles, chocolate, drinking wine, watching tv etc. Problem is my family don't want me to do that, so I go to a family member feeling like a spare part wondering how soon can I leave. Am I baah humbug ?

Their DS, sorry.