Grandaughter's wedding (not invited)

I don’t think that’s necessarily true Parlour Games.
If it’s a small wedding no one would give her away, weddings are less formal now, my oldest daughters wedding was in a country house, and my husband didn’t give her away.
So many things to take into consideration, maybe the bride is a spoiled brat, but quite likely she’s trying to work within a budget, and is making some hard choices.

I would be curious as to who is giving the bride away; given that her birth father has died wouldn't you think she would ask her paternal Grandfather to step in? I know my daughter would under those circumstances.
Yes, I know, it is THEIR wedding but where is the family loyalty in all this? The bride does sound to to be either influenced by someone else or a spoilt, self centred, uncaring brat.

Poshpaws
I agree. My oldest grandchildren who are just about at marriageable age, may or may not invite us, depending on the circumstances, we don’t see a lot or them these days, and I’m sure there are people they would prefer to invite.
I genuinely wouldn’t be bothered either way.

I don't mean this at all unkindly, but I am amazed that the huge majority seem to feel that it is hurtful for the OP & her husband not to be asked to their granddaughter's choice of a small, intimate wedding.

I suppose it must mean that most of you had extremely close relationships with your DGC. (If not, why on earth would you expect to be invited?)

I scarcely knew one set of grandparents and although fond of the other set wouldn't have imagined for a minute that they'd expect to be invited to a wedding which I'd restricted to my immediate family of parents, siblings and my children.

(Unless, of course DGD has been in the habit of regular visits and getting childcare from her DGF & wife. Then it'd stink that they weren't invited.)

As to the fact that the message was relayed by text not phone call, for most people below, say, 50, that's just how it's done. It almost certainly doesn't mean that DGD didn't care enough to call: she just won't have considered it.

My feeling, with the best will in the world, is that the Grandfather feels so heavily invested in this wedding because of his late son, rather than for his affection for his DGD. But he hasn't any option really other than to accept his son is, sadly, gone, and it's unfair to make his DGD a fill-in for him.

'I would reply by saying how sad you are at not being there to represent your son.'

First worst advice ever, after the one from the poster suggesting to talk to the other grandparents and crash the ceremony

This is a wedding, not the OP's husband's bday

And 16 more people could mean that the venue would have to be changed, and the dynamics of the day would be shifted.

There are so many people on this thread with very fixed ideas about what other people 'should' do. Where does the choice for the people organising and paying for it come in, or the flexibility to allow for the wishes of the people who matter - the bride and groom?

Maybe the bride chose this route because her dad died? It would have been painful for that missing spot and she didn't want to have granddad replace him?

So many reasons I could think of as to why they made the decision that has nothing to do with not wanting Grandparents there.

Venus, she has 4. Possibly 8. He has 4, possibly 8. Again, are you (general you) grandparents going to spend the money in order to add an additional 16 people (possibly) to this ceremony?

Totally wrong and thoughtless. You should have been asked. How many grandparents has the girl got? I would be very upset. I would reply by saying how sad you are at not being there to represent your son. Your grand- daughter should have phoned you and not sent a text. How disrespectful! Surely her mother should have advised her and know the right thing to do?.

I think it is very hurtful, especially as the bride’s deceased father should be represented by a male relative. My sister decided on a romantic elopement a few days after she left college. She was the eldest of four children. My parents never completely forgave her and it was always a stumbling block in their relationship. Very sad. I would spend the money that you will no doubt save on something nice for yourselves.

It seems very thoughtless and hurtful for you both. Are you close to your GD ? You have a choice here though. You can be offended and not attend the later celebrations or you can go and have a lovely evening- make good memories..

fluttERBY123

I can understand your husband wanting to be at the wedding, in a way in place of his son who died. But still it is their day.
Could he not text and say eg,
We understand a small do. Would it be ok for me to make a little speech at the party afterwards saying you know how proud father would have been of her. Or would that be in.some way not a good idea, not sure.

As someone who married without my father present (also passed ) I’m certain the idea of honoring her father in some way at the ceremony or party hasn’t escaped her mind - and she’s likely chosen bow to do so or that it’s not something she’s comfortable with - I think asking or suggesting would have implied to me I hadn’t thought of it or worse made me feel pressured into allowing it for someone else’s benefit - and on her wedding and wedding party surely the burden of carrying others loss of her dad - shouldn’t be on her shoulders . If she wants dad honored or mentioned or stood in for - she’ll ask. Otherwise grandpa should consider this is her day , and she’s entitled to miss her dad on that day in her way

I can understand your husband wanting to be at the wedding, in a way in place of his son who died. But still it is their day.
Could he not text and say eg,
We understand a small do. Would it be ok for me to make a little speech at the party afterwards saying you know how proud father would have been of her. Or would that be in.some way not a good idea, not sure.

Yes I would be hurt as well , what a shame … some people are so thoughtless! Trouble is you can’t do anything at all but wish them well and be there if you are needed. It’s a crazy world. And I’m sorry it’s upset you x

The invites were given to parents and siblings of the couple. No one else.

I wonder, for those of you who are insisting that Grandparents should be included, would you put up the money for the additional expense to have Grandparents attend? Because if not, then you are just spending another person's money so you don't have hurt feelings.

Nezumi65. My thoughts too.

rafichagran

I find that thoughtless, even if they invited both sets of Grandparents it would still be a small wedding.
I would just text them back and wish them well.

I agree with what you’re saying here to an extent, but with two members of the couple that’s an additional 8 people - that could bring up guest numbers by a third depending on family size. The difference between 16 and 24 at a wedding is actually (relatively) quite large. Personally I like to celebrate with people and I do understand feelings of hurt though.

Happysexagenarian

Just had a thought! If it's to be a church wedding could you get together with the other grandparents and 'gatecrash' the ceremony so that you can all at least see her being married, then slip away to a restaurant or pub for a GPs celebration. No fancy wedding attire necessary! Do you know the other GPs well enough to do that?

A church wedding is open to anyone who chooses to slip into the church to witness it. I had several complete strangers at my ceremony, just sitting quietly at the back, they just enjoyed a wedding! Our Best Man gave them boxes of confetti so they could join in as we left the church.

This is perhaps the worst idea on here and the first way to be excluded from future life events

Another way to look at that aspect is that perhaps she’s chosen to have no one “give her away “ as her way of holding the place for her late father- symbolically saying no one fills his shoes. My own father passed before my wedding and I did just that - there were several uncles , grandparents , step father even to fill the role but I elected to walk alone because it was a place for my own dear father or nothing to me

Ladyleftfieldlover loads of people say they don’t want children at their wedding. They can create havoc and spoil something that costs many thousands of pounds. Added to which it costs a fortune for a sitdown meal and an awful lot of money per child too. If couples have two or three children the cost can spiral out of control.

NannaFirework

I’d be very hurt too - surely Grandparents should be top of the list - made me sad to read that xxx

Why?

Do you have a good relationship with the bride and groom or is it distant? If it is close, maybe mention that you would like to be a part of such a special day.

Texts are normal these days, so don't feel hurt about that. As for the actual wedding, well, I would be relieved tbh as I am not a fan of weddings. It's most likely all about finances and not meant as a personal slight, hurtful though you might find it. Send a text back saying you look forward to being at the later celebration.

It doesn't matter who feels upset or hurt, it's their day and they've said they'll be having a party for all and sundry at a later date, they clearly not only want a small event but with the younger people in their lives.
It's not up to anyone but them who gets invited, be grateful you've got an invite to the party, get shirty about it and they'll cancel that invite - I would if it were my wedding!

I think it depends how close you are to them? I'd just go to the evening do.

So hurtful and insensitive, particularly as her father is deceased (your husband's son). That's the worst part. She/they will regret it one day. It's supposed to be a family occasion. Hope they have a change of heart