Grandaughter's wedding (not invited)

Suzysaluki

For some couples, it is about the relationship with their guests, how well they get along, same core interests, etc

It is not about the number of years or titles given to the person

My heart goes out to you. My Son and his wife did not invite any of our friends that had known him from babyhood including his Godmother to their wedding and I was upset. I just failed to understand how they could invite people they had known for 5 minutes and not people who had supported him throughout his life.

I’d be hurt but wish them well and then leave it at that. So sorry for you.

Paddington1914

Just turn up. Sorry its outrageous.

No, no, no!
I hope this is meant as a tongue in cheek comment.

When my MiL married the second time, our children were 4,2 and 6 months. I was told by her that they were to be left in the care of her home help and not allowed at the wedding. My OH was seated at the top table. I was relegated to the outermost table by the exit!! All these years on it still rankles.

Granddaughter probably wants a very small wedding as her father is not there to 'give her away' so very understandable. Obviously having 4 sets of GP's there makes it bigger which she does not want. I can understand the upset but personally I would be more upset about the way you've been informed about this. Surely she could have visited or phoned to explain her reasoning. It's a done deal now so all you can do is wish her well and try to avoid any bad feeling.

We were not invited to my
nephew’s wedding -found out from other family members
who were invited.My sister
went with all her family and
has not told me how it went.My
children are puzzled as they were invited to their weddings.It is now the elephant in the room when I speak to my sister.It was not a small wedding.I feel it is very final as my brother only has me and my sister on his side of the fsmily.

I agree with Namsnanny

Ofcourse your husband is hurt. But I wouldn’t take it too much to heart, because none of the grandparents are invited. Enjoy the celebration. Do what JLR1220 suggests.

rafichagran

I find that thoughtless, even if they invited both sets of Grandparents it would still be a small wedding.
I would just text them back and wish them well.

It depends on your definition of small. One of the rooms at our local register office holds just 10 people which includes the couple getting married.
I've been to a wedding there and it was lovely. There weren't many relatives so no noses were out of joint.

Just turn up. Sorry its outrageous.

JLR1220

I wouldn’t text a reply. Send a beautiful wedding card with a note that you hope their special day is perfect in every way and that you look forward to having a photo you can frame for your home. See you at the celebration!! This way you’re gracious, respectful and….always a role model. As another person wrote, one less event to prepare for, get dressed up for etc. Do something special and have a toast to the newlyweds!! Cheers!

beautiful response

Madeleine45 a lovely, thoughtful post. Just one thing - the newspapers printed on the day of the birth, wedding etc do not contain the news of the day. You should buy the papers for the following day which will, of course, give details of the events on the day in question.

Baggs

My parents' view was that the actual marriage ceremony is a public event and anyone can attend whether it's held in a church or a regsiter office. And that it's only the party afterwards (used to be the wedding breakfast) that is by invitation only.

Ditto funerals and wakes.

If this is true the hurt grandfather could attend the actual wedding/marriage ceremony of his grand-daughter.

In my view wedding parties (or whatever the preferred term is) are over-rated and in many cases a waste of money. MrB has quoted a statistic several times about the more money spent on a wedding the more likely the marriage is likely to end in divorce. Not sure where he got that from. Has anyone else seen such?

My view too. A timber supplier used by my DH showed him the book of wedding photos to him, telling him how much the whole shebang cost - a lot at the time. About a year later his daughter had run off with the firm's auditor. He was extremely annoyed.

In our twenties we went to the wedding of two friends who had been living together for some time. Father of the bride insisted that, because her parents had put up with the two living together, the happy couple would have to put up with his choice of wedding. It was lovely - bride in Gina Fratini, mother and sister in Jean Muir. 120 people at the reception drank at least 120 bottles of champagne. The food was smoked salmon and caviar. Our old Beetle looked out of place in the car park with the Rolls and Bentleys etc. That marriage lasted less than 2 years.

Yes Baggs, your husband is right.

When I got married my mother invited 200 people to the reception and another 200 for dinner, all distant family and friends of my parents. I didn't know half of them. The venue wasn't big enough to also invite our own friends. My mother decided everything, the menu, the decoration etc. Yes, my parents paid for everything, but no, it wasn't my idea of my own wedding. Just saying that I do understand why people choose to have a very small and private wedding.

Being hurt doesn't mean necessarily doing anything about it.

Text back : “that was a surprise certainly not what we’d expected.
Have a lovely day. Well celebrate just the 2 of us. “

You don't say where your grandaughter is getting married. Presumably guests are expected to meet their own travel expenses. Fine if the wedding is somewhere nearby, but not if it is at the other side of the world. Could your grandaughter be considering problems of long distance travel for older people? Just a thought. I note they are having a party at a later date, so perhaps this is where most of their friends will be. You might enjoy this party more than the wedding itself!

I’d be very hurt too - surely Grandparents should be top of the list - made me sad to read that xxx

Looking at it from the bride and groom's side, it can be a nightmare deciding where to draw the line on invites, unless you are in a position to invite anyone and everyone, so much so that I know that dealing with the fallout of hurt feelings can overshadow the pleasure and happiness in arranging to be married. You are invited to a later 'do' to which you can accept or decline, the OP and husband's decision.

In your place I would be dreadfully hurt too.

There may be a good reason why they are not inviting anyone except their parents and siblings, but you do not know it, and neither do I.

Whatever the reason, it would have been kinder of your grand-daughter to tell you what it is, as nicely as possible.

All you can do is try to be glad that she is getting married, and that they are not, like so many these days, using an amount of money they could buy a house for (quite literally) to hold a Hollywood style wedding!

My eldest niece did precisely that, sent us an invitation and then said that we could not stay either with her or her sister or brother as they had "others " staying with them. This meant a hotel room for two nights over and above the cost of a journey from one end of the country to another.

We had accepted the invitation, so we found a cheap hotel, bought one of the few moderately priced items on her wishing-list and attended the ceremony.

Before the reception had really got going the bride swept across to my husband and said, very rudely, "Will you pipe down!" He and one or two of the more rumbustious of the bridegroom's relatives had been chaffing each other good-naturedly. Nothing had been said that anyone had taken offence at, and we, and others who heard what she actually said were flabbergasted.

My husband chose to leave the party then and there, but insisted I stayed.

I am not hinting that your grand-daughter would do anything similar, just mentioning this unpleasant incident to show that you are not alone in wondering what goes on in the heads of the younger generation.

As you can imagine, in hindsight, we would much have preferred not to have been invited than to be treated as we were.

I hope your husband will feel able to add his good wishes to yours when you send a greeting card or a gift. For the sake of a future relationship with your grand-daughter and her husband, it is doubtless better you attend the reception if you both can pretend that you were not hurt by not being invited to the actual wedding.

If your husband is still dreadfully sore about it at that time, which I fully understand he may well be, perhaps he should come down with some diplomatic illness, such as a violent tummy upset, or toothache, leaving you to attend alone.

Just had a thought! If it's to be a church wedding could you get together with the other grandparents and 'gatecrash' the ceremony so that you can all at least see her being married, then slip away to a restaurant or pub for a GPs celebration. No fancy wedding attire necessary! Do you know the other GPs well enough to do that?

A church wedding is open to anyone who chooses to slip into the church to witness it. I had several complete strangers at my ceremony, just sitting quietly at the back, they just enjoyed a wedding! Our Best Man gave them boxes of confetti so they could join in as we left the church.

A text..Oh my. However the wedding is a long time off so maybe they will rethink about inviting grandparents.

Everybody's feelings

For example- somebody prefers red meat and the main dish is fish
But fish was chosen to make a person happy

I wrote this a couple of hours ago and got interrupted before sending it, so there are some repetitions of others' posts - that doesn't mean I am ignoring them.
A young couple have decided to commit themselves to one another. They are doing that in a small ceremony and are having a party later to extend the celebrations to other people. What is wrong with that, and why does anyone else have a right to expect to be the exception, or to over-ride the wishes of the bride and groom?

If a close family member had not been invited to the party, I could understand their upset, but to start saying that the OP shouldn't provide a gift, or that her husband should have been asked to stand in lieu of the father of the bride is way over the top.

For one thing, many young people don't want a man to 'give the bride away', as it is seen as a patriarchal move. Whether people of earlier generations agree with this is really not the point - again, it is the bride's choice and her wishes should be respected. For another, the idea that gifts are a quid pro quo for an invitation is roundly disapproved of when couples ask invitees for cash - what's the difference between that on the one hand and withholding gifts if someone is not happy with the extent of their invitation on the other?

My sister has 5 children, so when events include them all, their partners and children there are dozens of them . I wasn't invited to any of their weddings, apart from the first niece's, which happened before the younger ones had partners and children of their own. As it happened, I declined as it was abroad and at a time when my own daughter was taking exams. I am not upset about that. A celebration for their immediate family is never a small affair, and much as I am close to my nieces and nephews I don't put my wishes over their practicalities.

Of course it is 'THEIR' day - they are committing to each other, not to anyone else, and how they choose to do it is their choice. The idea that a caring grandparent would even think about punishing them for this makes no sense to me at all.