Grandaughter's wedding (not invited)

Wish them well, and accept that it is the couple's decision about guests. Perhaps your husband thought that she may ask him to walk her down the aisle in place of her not having her dad, but if there is a step-dad that she gets on well with then it will be his duty. You have a lot of years to enjoy this young couple's life and share in high points.

No wonder so many people elope - such a happy occasion being impacted by other's expectations

So what IF this bride wanted to be walked down the aisle but there was an uncle/brother/etc that she would have preferred instead of the grandfather?

Is grandfather walking down the aisle ever discussed with the bride or something that grandfather expected?

Everybody expects different things from weddings- the groom and bride cannot customize it to avoid hurting anybody's feelings?

That was a very thoughtful post, and the idea that comes out of it for me is asking if someone can take quite a few video shots of the event and WhatsApp them around the wider family.

Even just asking for this along with the sending a card may in itself hit the note" we accept your choice BUT want to feel as part of it as possible please.

Of course a showing of videos and photos at the party could do this too.

Dear Tilly
I can totally understand your feelings about this. Could I just separate out the strands. Firstly the actual wedding. It is totally understandable to feel left out full stop, but that the father has died must make it harder and more upsetting for your husband. Regarding them sending you a text about it. I would feel both angry and upset and as though i was of no importance, but that is because at my age, we were taught to write letters, which I still do , or at least telephone and speak to someone in person about important things like this. However younger people live their lives with their phones and text etc . and for them it is probably the equivalent of sending a letter in my day. This does not excuse them from being thoughtless. The other thing is that the written word can be taken in so many ways. I taught english as a second language and used to write a sentence and ask students to say it aloud in a variety of ways so, in an angry tone or smiling. So many written words can be made worse because the receiver hears them internally in a different mood to that which the sender meant. So , whilst you will still feel hurt, they may not have meant to be so crass. I would think you have some options in your response. You could just send them best wishes by text in reply to theirs, or ou might speak to your daughter in law , if you get on well with her, and tell her how hurt you felt but that you know things are different these days Perhaps they may have a video or film of the actual ceremony that you could have to mark the day. For yourselves , might you mark the day by either visiting your own wedding venue, church or whatever on that day or if it was not too painful visit where your son was married. For many years now I have a habit of buying the local paper and the Yorkshire post or Guardian for the day of the wedding, baptism or birth. I actually get two copies and give them one and keep one myself. For babies I have done the same but kept a copy safely and then on their 21st birthday or rather now 18th birthday take them these papers . They are often interested to see what was happening on their special day and it can be quite fun at a family gathering to see what has changed and the prices and things that have happened.
I do speak from a similar experience to yourselves. My son is adopted , which is why he is called Daniel (the chosen one). He and his partner live very close to her family and some way from us. When they had a little boy, my husband was quite ill at the time and I was nursing him, doing all the driving etc so of course missed out on being able to go and see the baby or spend much time with them. When their son was christened I drove us across the country to be there and my husband was in a wheel chair and so needed extra help etc. All went well but at the reception I hardly got a chance to hold or play with my grandson , he was passed around to lots of people. I was glad to see him being so sociable but did feel that they were rather thoughtless as I only had that day with them and her family saw the baby every day. It would have been nice if someone had offered to look after my husband and that we had been able to hold the baby and so forth as we had to leave after two hours. But no one seemed to think that as we had such a little time that they might make an effort as they had lots of time each week. So I drove home feeling rather sad and very weary , but couldnt say so to my husband as I didnt want him to feel that my looking after him had stopped me holding my grandson. I am now a widow and though I am still sad about it , I am pleased that I did not speak to my husband and let him know how upset I was. One last thing I would say is that there is still quite a bit of time before the wedding and lots can happen, and your granddaughter just might reflect on how they have contacted you. Can someone who is very tech savvy organise a Whats App or Skype for you so that you could speak to them at their reception? Well at the very least you should treat yourselves, go somewhere nice or have a bottle of wine and a favourite meal and at least be glad that you have each other and can enjoy a meal together where you can hear yourselves speak. The last reception I went to the music was so loud it was exhausting trying to have a conversation and there was no quiet room where you could move to. Surprised I wasnt deaf by the time I got home. Best wishes

Tilly95, I’d be very hurt too, but I guess I’d vent on here and then, like others have suggested, send them a card wishing them all the best on their special day and in the future.
I’d rather be a welcome guest at a later party than a begrudged guest at the wedding.

I wouldn’t text a reply. Send a beautiful wedding card with a note that you hope their special day is perfect in every way and that you look forward to having a photo you can frame for your home. See you at the celebration!! This way you’re gracious, respectful and….always a role model. As another person wrote, one less event to prepare for, get dressed up for etc. Do something special and have a toast to the newlyweds!! Cheers!

occasions not "accessions!"

I think its up to the couple to decide who they want to come. It is their day. I liked ElaineRI55's most above because she tenderly describes all the factors that may be at play that you may not be aware of.

What I would criticise them for is that its done by text: this is thoughtless: I think younger people are aware that its a casual means of communication whatever the generation.

I come from a family of very small weddings: registry office and small get togethers are the norm. My daughter in Law when she married my son comes from a different family with an "invite them all" perspective: she wanted her Big Day, and it was a lovely occasion, but I would not have been upset were it to be otherwise.

I think what matters most is that you keep the best possible relationship with them, in terms of the future. I'd swallow my hurt and send a letter wishing them well and looking forward to the party and yes even a small gift.

It will be hard for your DH to accept this, but its the long term that matters imo. Seeing possible great grandchildren, possible inclusion in other family accessions because you have been graceful about this.

another factor - I think as we get older family matters more, we want to be in contact and feel loved and accepted more, but thinking back to when I was young it wasn't as important to me then, I couldn't project my imagination into what I might feel over 70 when I was in my 20's.

Nannan2

'Giving the bride away' is a tradition-not an antiquated idea at all- especially in church weddings- and 'walked up the aisle' is more how its looked upon nowadays- and this bride will be reminded her own dads not there all day by her own memories/thoughts of him anyway, wether her grandads there or not.Personally i would want my own fathers dad there to do so if my dad could not.I myself walked my eldest daughter down the aisle as her dad wasnt there &her grandad had died.

To some people it is an antiquated, out dated tradition. Just because you and I don't mind being 'given' away by a man, doesn't mean that a younger generation with more liberal ideas do. Just in the same way some people will look at our "imperial" history and wish to rebel against it and others don't.

Of course I can empathise with Grandad being disappointed but neither can we make assumptions about the bride being thoughtless or unkind because she has a different way of doing things to us 'oldies'.

Hi Tilly,
I completely understand why your husband is so hurt. To have lost his son is agony in itself. Then to not be invited to granddaughters wedding and to be told only parents siblings and children are invited because the celebration is a small one, would be extremely disappointing. It would have been extra special if grandaughter had asked your husband to give her away as her Dad has sadly passed away though maybe she is not be having a church wedding. Very close friends of mine lost their older son in his early 30s and my friends have been very close to the son’s own little boy who is now nearly 18. I know if they weren’t invited to their grandson’s future wedding it would feel hurtful. I think that younger people are so busy they don’t always think through the nuances of a situation. My mum was deeply disappointed when her first grandson decided to get married in Mauritius because his Dad was Mauritian (understandable). There again it was a small do but my mum had helped to bring her grandson up during his early years because my sister was 16 when she got pregnant.

It really depends on the relationship you’ve had and perhaps still have with her. I would also be beyond hurt if I’d received a text saying this but would suck it up wish them well and happily go along with it... on the other hand I would be far less hurt if our relationship was not that close.. When my daughter go married two years ago, she only invited two of my five siblings, the grooms grandparents were not invited either. I think people on the whole have grown to accept that a wedding in the family doesn’t mean that all family will be invited...even to the reception at a later date.

I agree with Namsnany....
Feelings are emotions and its understandable to feel hurt regardless of the reasons behind it ♡♡♡

no-one not no=on

Of course it's natural to feel hurt by things like this. No=on can criticise you for feeling a bit sad over it. However, you no doubt love them dearly ( or you wouldn't be hurt by this).
It's not worth potentially losing your relationship with them over this. I doubt challenging them or discussing it with the other grandparents would do anything other than make things worse.
No-one knows why others make the decisions they do - money is tight, too many "grandparents/step-grandparents"to invite ( and some may be unpleasant characters who might spoil things), your GD's dad dying may play a part in what she can cope with at the wedding, ......
Maybe she has mental health challenges and cannot face having more than about 10-12 folk ( or whatever) there.
Maybe you could allow your hurt to morph into concern for them ( not saying that's easy) and the fact they're feeling financial or emotional challenges or both and resolve to do all you can to support and encourage them in their future together.
As for text - possibly a generational thing or they were too anxious about reactions to talk to folk on the phone.
You can't change what they have decided, but you can choose to review your response to it. Focus on the fact that you love them and want the best for them, congratulate them, say you are looking forward to the party, and give them the same size gift as you would have had you been going to the actual ceremony. And enjoy the party! All the best.

Micro weddings are a thing now so I’d try to accept that fact with grace. But texting your GM to tell her is not and never will be IMHO. That would hurt me, very much. I’m so sorry but I really hope you can still enjoy the party later.

I would be very hurt too. She could at least have given you this news in person or in a letter, not a text. She knew you'd be disappointed and didn't want to have to deal with that face-to-face. Cowardly! Grandparents are definitely close relatives.

Reply (by letter) and tell her how disappointed you are not to be invited to her wedding as you have always looked forward to seeing her married. Tell her you hope it all goes well and wish her all the best for the future. I wouldn't mention the future party. Your choice whether you send greetings or a gift on the day, and whether you wish to go to the party.

I too get very fed up with hearing the phrases THEIR wedding; THEIR baby; THEIR children; THEIR rules etc etc. In most cases some consideration for other peoples feelings would not go amiss. And good manners! Less texting and more speaking.

A very close member of my family deliberately arranged their wedding for a weekday knowing that a lot of the invited guests wouldn't be able to attend due to work commitments and that would reduce the guest list. My Mum was furious and refused to go even though she could have had the day off work. She told me I shouldn't go either - but I was a bridesmaid! It was indeed a small event but my Mum never spoke to the couple again.

BIJOU

WOW!!! CONGRATULATIONS ON 76 YEARS!!! xx

And as for cost- well how much do they think a 'party at a later date' is going to cost them?? Better to add a few grandparents in now and all enjoy the actual marriage ceremony now while there are still all their grandparents around to celebrate it with them now.(No offense meant, but who knows whats in the future- look at how 2019- 20-21 went, &who saw that coming? & its still here.)

Get in touch with the other sets of grandparents and make it a grandparents day with you all doing something together!!
BTW, I'm just wondering when her dad actually died? If it was quite recently it may be that she felt pain that he couldn't make it and that she didn't want to upset grandad by not asking him to give her away!

Her choice, and her loss. I think it’s mean to leave out the grandparents. Often they (we) are the safety net in a world of family disagreements, hence your hurt. She may come to regret her decision.

Agree wholeheartedly Namsnanny ! Treat them the way they treat you. Just send a text saying thanks for the info.

I understand the hurt feelings. My son told us he was getting married abroad. Just him his partner and their 3 children . But were planning a reception when they got back ,and would I cater it ? Of course I would. Next thing was her sister and partner were going too ,their girls were bridesmaids. I asked if anyone else was going but " it was only a small "do". So come the date I was busy shopping for food etc (and travelling to feed their cat). Looking on facebook for pictures I realised her brother and his family were there, her mum and partner and my grandsons girlfriend were also there. I still did their reception but to say it hurt was an understatement. It still does to this day. He said he never realised I would expect to go . We hadn't had a falling out or anything so it was a shock . So maybe talk to one of the parents and explain how you feel . Offer to pay for yourself if money is an issue.i hope it turns out well but send a card saying congratulations on your big day and ask to be shown photos when they get back xx

'Giving the bride away' is a tradition-not an antiquated idea at all- especially in church weddings- and 'walked up the aisle' is more how its looked upon nowadays- and this bride will be reminded her own dads not there all day by her own memories/thoughts of him anyway, wether her grandads there or not.Personally i would want my own fathers dad there to do so if my dad could not.I myself walked my eldest daughter down the aisle as her dad wasnt there &her grandad had died.

Not just two extra people but at least eight as, under normal circumstances, a couple will each have two sets of grandparents!
In this case, given that OP says the bride's father was her DH's son it implies that there is at least one extra set of GPS, if the bride's mother has also remarried. So potentially, another 16 guests if this pattern is repeated with other biological GPS. That could almost double the size of a "small wedding".
Send them congratulations and tell them you look forward to celebrating with them later.

There wedding but if it was me I would want my grandparents.