Grandaughter's wedding (not invited)

When my offspring got married the grandparents in their 90s were the main guests and granpa who was 88. Grandad made a speech and granny loved the outfit she chose, had her hair done and put on her best jewels. They would have been devastated if they had not been invited. I was on standby in case they needed care. They are all dead now but my offspring is so grateful they could be there when they were. We have photos of them on a happy summer's day. Life is short.

I d be mortified if my grand kids (especially if I was close) didn’t invite me How much smaller can you get than parents grandparents and siblings. Mum (dad already passed away) up to 8 grandparents maybe less if they aren’t all living and siblings looking at around 20 or less people ……That’s small

What's small to you may not be to someone else, though, We don't know how many siblings there are, (not that it matters). They may have 6 each, who, with partners would make the wedding quite large if there are step-families too. Plus, the couple are paying per head, so every guest is an expense. Also, even if money is no object, not everyone wants a large affair, and it should be for the couple to decide on numbers without feeling an obligation to anyone.

So often on here we hear about how it is the wedding that matters, not the size of the party. I think the OP needs to respect that, and I can see no reason to resent her granddaughter for wanting to have a very small wedding, if that is her preference.

Send them a card wishing them well for the wedding day, and say you’ll be looking forward to seeing them at the party later. I’d also ask them for a wedding present list so you can send a present. You may be upset but as others have said it is their day. No point in being upset or worrying over it.

I would be very hurt indeed....

sodapop

I understand the wishes of the couple to keep the wedding a small one. As others have said it's their choice and better in my opinion than some of the weddings mentioned in another thread.
However since sadly the father is dead I think Grandparents could have been included.
We had a small ceremony with just two friends attending, none of our six children and their families were invited. Looking back now it was a mistake not to include our families and did cause a bit of friction. In the unlikely event of me remarrying I would do things differently.

I don’t See what the father being passed has to do with it - that doesn’t give those grandparents his “ticket”. They decided parents siblings and kids only - if the brother can’t make it does that mean uncle is on deck? They’ve chosen a small
Private ceremony and a larger party later which grandparents and everyone else are invited too - would people be this worked up if they eloped ?

Ladyleftfieldlover

Slightly off beam, but still about difficult weddings. My cousin (overseas) was divorced from his extremely difficult wife. He had a new lady who he lived with. When they decided to get married they told just two people. My sister and her husband who were to be witnesses. In the meantime he arranged a family lunch for his grownup children and their partners. After their tiny wedding, they set off for the restaurant and made the big announcement. Fortunately the ex wife happened to be away. That is the smallest wedding I’ve heard of.

Completely 'off beam' .... and of absolutely no relevance to this thread ?

I d be mortified if my grand kids (especially if I was close) didn’t invite me How much smaller can you get than parents grandparents and siblings
Mum (dad already passed away) up to 8 grandparents maybe less if they aren’t all living and siblings looking at around 20 or less people ……That’s small
I missed my eldests wedding because of distance (other side of the world) and CoviD travel lock down) but I was invited

I was told today we were chatting about a friends work friends wedding she said she was going but her husband wasn’t she told me now that some weddings invite friends but not their partners to keep the price down ….that seems extremely strange to me

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Money is very tight for everyone and a small wedding will inevitably result in people being omitted. If you are the "step grandma" then I can see how you would be omitted and in turn the grandad. Send them a present of money that you will have saved not going which probably will be a nice sum.

The family situation is not clear and there may be good reasons for restricting the numbers to very close family.
Tilly and husband have to act the grown-ups in this situation and behave well, despite understandable hurt feelings. They should reply sending congratulations on the marriage, and an acceptance of the party invitation for later. Surely they don't intend to miss it because they weren't invited to the wedding?

Fleurpepper

rafichagran

Fleurpepper

as wildswan says, simple.

Not Simple the Grandfather is hurt, people have feelings.

Oh yes, I'd be hurt too. but it is THEIR wedding.

This.

BUT: if, as a grandparent, I wasn't considered important enough to be included in those invited to the actual wedding, I wouldn't go out of my way to attend a party at a later date. It would affect the sort of gift I would give too - if I'm not considered close family, the value would definitely be lower.

That sounds perfect to me Ladyleftfieldlover. So much fuss is made today and huge expense when what is important is the future of the couple.

Slightly off beam, but still about difficult weddings. My cousin (overseas) was divorced from his extremely difficult wife. He had a new lady who he lived with. When they decided to get married they told just two people. My sister and her husband who were to be witnesses. In the meantime he arranged a family lunch for his grownup children and their partners. After their tiny wedding, they set off for the restaurant and made the big announcement. Fortunately the ex wife happened to be away. That is the smallest wedding I’ve heard of.

HeavenLeigh

It is THEIR wedding! Their choice!

Yes their choice to cause hurt to thoer grandparents.. I would be ashamed off my children if they did this

Ladyleftfieldlover

But it IS their wedding. I have attended a wedding where children weren’t allowed. My son was still being breast fed so we had to race back from the church, feed him and rush back to the reception. When I was small an aunt was married, with no children invited. This was in the 1950s and fairly unusual, so my parents had to find babysitters. Try and look forward to the celebration later.

This is not a comparible situation at all?.... a baby or a small child would not be bothered one way or the other.....a grandparents would be very hurt.....iwould be very disappointed if any of my children did not invite grandparents ( although I know they would as they adore my Mum)

My DS got married in the summer his grandparents were not invited as it was too far/awkward for them to travel. We are having a nice lunch this Saturday coming with them as my DS and new wife are travelling to our and their neck of the woods. The grandparents were happy not going to the actual wedding and are looking forward to the lunch which will be a lovely family celebration.

Kim19

I note there is even a suggestion on here that a present could be withheld thus saving money. Seriously?!

Surely you don't give a present if you're not invited to the wedding?

If I've been invited but couldn't attend I've still sent a present.

I suppose if they want to make the young couple feel guilty at the non-invitation by text, yes, they could send a present but there is no protocol as far as manners are concerned to do so.

Perhaps something small, a token, eg a love spoon?

TILLY95 I would feel hurt . Grandparents should be up there with immediate family .
I do understand couples not inviting children , couples now get married when much older and if you included all the children of family and friends the numbers would be ridiculous .
Yes it is their wedding but family are family and Grandparents are an important and special part of that unit .
Has consideration for other people's feelings gone completely out of the window these days .
TILLY95 I completely understand your feelings .
I've been in a similar situation with family weddings , ive hidden my real feelings but karma comes knocking eventually and I won't forget the insensitive selfishness of those involved .

I note there is even a suggestion on here that a present could be withheld thus saving money. Seriously?!

In your place, I think I would feel sad, and a bit 'put out'. I know it's their wedding and it's up to them. However, I do think it's tactless to tell you by text rather than have a conversation with you.

We were already in our 60 s when we became gp’s but have always been very involved with childcare and other help.
Sadly I am not expecting to be around fir their weddings, but if we were, then I would be hurt not to be invited to this special occasion.
I am sorry your dh has been upset.
There is no need to respond until you have had time to consider how you wish to reply.

This really is simple . It’s their wedding. They’ve chosen to have a very small, intimate affair - brava to
Them, keeping costs down and the personal private affair they want. The only appropriate response is a hearty “congratulations and wishing them all the best in love”. You’re allowed to be disappointed you aren’t included but it’s not personal , they’re not having a 200 person affair and you didn’t make the cut - their wedding just isn’t about what you want - as it should be. Yes is Dh’s sons daughter - same can be said of
All
The other grandparents not included , the aunts - it’s her brothers daughter , and so on and so forth. Don’t be rude, send a congratulations and be ready tk
Put on
A smile at the later party good
Grief

Look forward to the party that you are invited to & try not to feel aggrieved or dwell on anything else. best wishes .

rafichagran

I find that thoughtless, even if they invited both sets of Grandparents it would still be a small wedding.
I would just text them back and wish them well.

I find it thoughtless too, and just a text makes it worse.
However, nothing to be done even though hurtful to you understandably.
Do you ever see your granddaughter Tilly96 ? If she has been remote from you for many years this may explain the thoughtlessness.
I would text her just saying you hope they have a lovely day, and leave it at that.I would not be spending too much on a wedding present though, and may have to think about whether I wanted to attend a party later on.Your husband’s wishes will come first in this I think.What a shame it has happened.

I would feel very hurt as well.
Grandparents should be classed as close family.