Grandaughter's wedding (not invited)

As earlier posts have said, it must be very hurtful to your husband; it also depends how close your relationship was, if it was a distant one then I would send a nice present and wish them well, I personally would not want to go to the "party" afterwards. It seems to me that manners and politeness has gone out of the window and we are too ready to excuse it by saying that everybody texts and the younger generation are terribly busy. I'm 78, I text, I am busy but I can still observe basic good manners. The fact that her father (your stepson?) is dead makes it just that bit more thoughtless. Send a present and fulsome good wishes then spend some money on yourselves. !!

Theexwife

The granddaughter could have 4 grandparents as could the groom, which is an extra 8 people, and then you would get aunts and uncles who are close to their niece or nephew feeling put out that grandparents had been invited.

The line has to be drawn somewhere if they want a small wedding.

Indeed. And without knowing what relationship the OP and her OH the grandfather have, how often they see each other, etc, etc, etc, how can we possibly 'judge' the situation. Could be that one of the grand-parents is a problem and it was decided that it is easiest to have none. We just do not have any idea of what the situation actually is.

We are very close to our GCs, and they worship their Granddad and vice versa, so would be VERY hurt- but just depends, surely.

I think it really depends on how close you are and how often you’re in touch. If contact is relatively superficial then it makes sense, I’m afraid.

I was about to say what Nannarose said then saw her post.

On the other thread people are complaining that couples want grand affairs, and on this one that a couple is wanting to keep it very small.

I understand the OP feeling hurt, but I don't see it as their being excluded, so much as not fitting into the very small circle invited. Weddings are expensive, and as has been pointed out when one person is invited it often means another has to be too, to 'even it out'. Are there other grandparents, and how many are on the groom's side? As has also been said, there could be step families as well as birth ones, and one invitation could lead to many more.

When we got married it was a small wedding. We could have 16 people. This kept the costs way down. Bigger ceremonies were a lot more money.

I know you are hurt but I would not take this personally. You are invited to celebrate so concentrate on that...

You haven't replied, they are probably now hurting too

I had a very small wedding and my aunt and uncle on my mum’s side turned up uninvited together with a newspaper camera crew. I was angry as my aunt and uncle on my father’s side might have felt left out. Fortunately the only photo which hit the front page that day was of the bride and groom.

I honestly think , things have changed so much over the years. Weddings used to be more of a family affair, these days it seems more of only close relatives ( in which I mean , those that our in constant touch with each other) and friends . I would send a card as to take offence will only alienate them further . My daughter is 30 this year, end of December. She's booked and payed for her own party , she's invited a few family members that she's close too. But she doesn't want, her grandmother ( my mum ) who's a very active 82 year old or her stepdads elderly parents , although she gets on well with them . Also because she had no children off her own , she doesn't want lots of little ones running around. So her cousins young children aren't invited nor is her own nephew, he's 5 but very lively . It's not want I would want but as its her party , it's her choice .

Your husband can’t help his feelings , so I’m sorry he feels hurt. But no other grandparents are being invited, so it’s not as if you’ve been singled out.

My own son and his wife had a very small wedding in a city hall - just the two of them and one friend each as witnesses. Of course I’d rather have been there, but I honestly didn’t feel hurt - as people keep saying, it was their wedding and up to them whether they had a large do or very small one. I was just glad they were tying the knot! We gave them the same wedding fund as his sisters had put towards their weddings, and they used it towards the mortgage. Very sensible, imo!

Please, just wish them all the best and be happy for them.

I'm sorry feelings have been hurt.

Assuming from the wording you may be a step GM.

Total numbers of GP and those in GP relationships ability to be in same small gathering may help explain DH non-invite?

DH might text "Congratulations, looking forward to the party, Love you."

My parents' view was that the actual marriage ceremony is a public event and anyone can attend whether it's held in a church or a regsiter office. And that it's only the party afterwards (used to be the wedding breakfast) that is by invitation only.

Ditto funerals and wakes.

If this is true the hurt grandfather could attend the actual wedding/marriage ceremony of his grand-daughter.

In my view wedding parties (or whatever the preferred term is) are over-rated and in many cases a waste of money. MrB has quoted a statistic several times about the more money spent on a wedding the more likely the marriage is likely to end in divorce. Not sure where he got that from. Has anyone else seen such?

I agree with the Wildswan and theexwife

Text message is how many people communicate now - it is not seen as rude

Plus it is easier to send the message to many people at the same time - also more efficient

For some people , weddings is about family - as long as there is a dna bond or you invited them to the wedding, it is almost mandatory to include them

Others see weddings as a celebration with their loved friends and family, who support their union

In a wedding, somebody will find something to complain about.
It is impossible to make everybody happy according to their standards

Actually now I think about it, my granddaughter has 9 grandparents, if you include the steps. Plus great aunts and uncles, in all twelve people of our generation they are close to and spend time with in the holidays. I couldn’t blame her if, at some point in the future, she opted for a small wedding. But I know I am her number one granny so if she left me out I would be very sad.

Sorry, I hit the button too soon. Encourage your husband to be gracious and not cause ill feeling whilst sympathising with him because it is hard for him. If it were me, I'd send a text back saying congratulations, thank you for letting us know and you look forward to seeing them soon.
My daughter limited her guest list for the actual wedding because 30 was the maximum number of people (including the photographer) at the Registrars. My son limited his because the package he could afford limited it 40 and anything beyond that was too expensive for him.

Today we have so many split families with parents who are split and Grandparents who are split. At what point do you draw the line? Presumably as your husband's son is dead, there is not the the traditional Bride's father funding so they may be paying for the wedding themselves and that will be expensive for them. You don't say how many siblings there are but in our family there are 6 of them, all but one with spouses and children. On Christmas Day there are 23 of us if we include their grandparents on one side! That's a Wedding Guest List full on its own as my daughter found out when her Wedding was limited to 30!

This brings back memories of my brother and his partner…. My brother never told me he was getting married in a registry office, only my Mum ( Mum didn’t tell me either until after) then Step dad and the partners son were there. I was very upset at the time, I understand I wasn’t invited because they just wanted to do it and my Mum was the witness. But then when my daughter got married, my brother and wife wasn’t invited to theirs, again my daughters choice. It is a hard one but ultimately whoever’s wedding their choice. Of course it could be down to numbers who can attend, I don’t know. Yes it hurts, but eventually that’s all it is, they are alive and well, so put on that happy face…

I understand the wishes of the couple to keep the wedding a small one. As others have said it's their choice and better in my opinion than some of the weddings mentioned in another thread.
However since sadly the father is dead I think Grandparents could have been included.
We had a small ceremony with just two friends attending, none of our six children and their families were invited. Looking back now it was a mistake not to include our families and did cause a bit of friction. In the unlikely event of me remarrying I would do things differently.

HeavenLeigh

It is THEIR wedding! Their choice!

Yes, it's their choice, they chosen to be hurtful to their Grandfather. How does that make it OK?

My mum was upset when she wasn't invited to my nephew's wedding. Same excuse-small do only parents, siblings and close friends. In this case I think the added insult is that her father is no longer living, so perhaps it would have been appropriate to ask her GF to stand in.

You don't say how much contact you have with the granddaughter? Also you say it is DH's son ? Perhaps if there hasn't been much contact and multiple grandparents due to re-marriage perhaps this is the simpler solution.

I too would be hurt,but on the bright side it would save me money.

You mention your husband’s son dying. Does that mean you are a step-grandmother? If so how many grandparents and step grandparents are there? If they are trying to keep costs down it may just be that including grandparents suddenly makes the whole thing a lot more expensive because there are 8 (rather than say 4).

Compare and contrast with the thread about the cost of being a wedding guest.
I think they could have been a bit kinder - but probably don't see the problem in sending a text rather than any other communication.
It's not clear how well you know them - it just may be that 'inviting grandparents' triggers invites for other family members that they can't cope with. It would be nice to think you could stand there instead of your son, but that is obviously not how they see it.
So often on gransnet we say 'smile and accept it' because doing anything else risks relationships. I think you will be thought very well of if you say 'of course we understand' and praise the couple for keeping to a small, affordable wedding.

It's very hurtful to feel as if you're slowly being erased from peoples lives after the death of an adult child.

Of course, I'm sure it's not deliberate or malicious, but it happens, and it's hurtful, to say the least.

My son's wedding was a very small affair, as the chapel where he was married only held 20 people. He was adamant he wanted his grandparents to be there - his wife was equally adamant she didn't want hers there. And that's how it went on the day.

I’d be really hurt if not invited to my grandaughter’s wedding as we are close.
Any chance to have a word on his behalf?