True friend or not ?

Hetty58

Cheeseplantmad - a true friend gives without ever expecting anything back - so have you really been a true friend to her? It seems as though you've been keeping count of everything you've done for her. 'I took her under my wing' sounds rather superior too. She's probably very busy. She may well be afraid of anything illness-related - as many people are - especially with the pandemic ongoing. Perhaps, though, she's glad to have some distance, now, from a rather overbearing friendship and is moving on?

Ouch ! …. ..Hetty 58 ! ! I certainly am not the type of friend who gives and expect something back , no way ! I just feel that if a friend gives/ shows you kindness then it is nice to feel/ be appreciated, and , in this friendship, looking back , I feel that I had been taken advantage of .
When I first met her she were very keen to make friends as she has no friends / family and were more than happy to want to text or phone most days .

I do feel insulted by your suggestion she be glad to have some distance from ‘ overbearing’ friendship , because my life never revolved around her as I have other friends , my family and many interests of my own .

Cheeseplantmad I'm sorry you've been ill and hope you feel better now. Your friend is what's known as "flaky". I had something similar, except she was also one of my family once (she was in a relationship with my son). She let me down without any reason or excuse. Walk away, don't contact this woman again. You have done nothing wrong. The fault is with her. Keep going to your church, and any other activities, and you'll find kinder people to be friends with.

Bit nasty hetty58. I just think we give as much as we want to give I’ve been in a similiar situation with a close friend and have felt it a bit unequal I am now standing back a bit and reassessing the situation. You did deserve better I think. Hold back and see if she contacts you. Has she backed of with the new house and distance?

When my children were small I had a good friend who lived nearby. We went on holiday together, had nights out, looked after one another's children etc and I thought we were close.

She moved away because of her husband's job, and I never heard from her again. Nor did any of the other young mums in our 'set', so she wasn't simply relieved to get rid of me . I think she was just one of those people who saw friends as people who lived nearby. It wasn't a case of being used, as it was a 2 way street when she lived locally. She just 'moved on'.

I think Hetty might be right. Some people back off from illness. Maybe she felt she should be offering you something now you are so unwell that she knew she could not offer. If you did all the driving who could bring her to see you? Did she realise what would happen when she moved and be in the situation she first was in when you met her not being able to get to places?
I hope you are keeping well now just keep to yourself and your family and get well and see if she contacts you when she has got settled. You were the giver in the situation and maybe she realises just how much she relied on and perhaps took advantage of you.
Get well soon.

People can be strange. A lady from a different area joined a group
I was in. She immediately latched on to me and wanted me to call round and go out several times a week.
I enjoyed these outings and thought we were good friends.
One morning I rang to say I was thinking of dropping in and she said don't come until after lunch, the men are here. What men?the removal men.she was packed and ready to move to the west country and I never heard from her again! I think something must have been going on to make such a sudden and secretive move.

No need, Hetty. I just thought the OP might be a bit upset by your comment.

Yes, I think that there are those who are scared of illness. I also think that they should be less self-absorbed, but that's a different matter. Sorry to hear about your husband.

Doodledog, apologies for sounding mean. I was really upset, too, when a couple of my late husband's 'best' friends just suddenly disappeared when he became ill. It happens a lot ('leukemia phobia' - as if it's catching). It seemed to me that, being no longer available for golf or snooker, he served no useful purpose to them - so was discarded. There are always givers and takers - but some are just scared.

It is odd that she didn't at least reply when you texted that you were going into hospital.
This person sounds very self-centred and I don't think I'd bother with her again.
If she contacts you just be polite but busy.

Hope you’re now recovering from your illness.
Sounds your friend is rather selfish to me - very hurtful. I would not contact her for now. Wait and see if she gets in touch and then decide what to do.
I felt the same when my mum died- one of my ‘best’ friends hardly acknowledged this, didn’t phone or send a card. I’ve cooled that friendship since. True friends should step up when you need them

Is it possible that your friend has been ill herself? Could she be wondering why you've not been in touch to see how the move went? She might even be feeling that you've dropped her as she's moved away.

This friendship sounds very lopsided to me. I think I’d back off, see her in time (when you are recovered) at the W.I. , smile and ask how her move went etc. I wouldn’t mention my hospital stay and I’d circulate more with others at the meeting. Stay being kind but not jump in to offer lifts any more.

She’s moved 20 miles away now anyway so she might not even turn up at the W.I. and the friendship might just fizzle out naturally because of this.

Ouch! That’s a bit of a mean comment, Hetty. Even the most neurotic can contact sick friends from a distance, surely?

I don’t see it as the OP having begrudged the favours all along, so much as looking back now that she feels hurt. I think that some people see friendship as transient and now she’s moved on she’s probably found someone else to go for coffee with. It’s probably not personal but I can understand why you would feel upset.

Cheeseplantmad - a true friend gives without ever expecting anything back - so have you really been a true friend to her? It seems as though you've been keeping count of everything you've done for her. 'I took her under my wing' sounds rather superior too. She's probably very busy. She may well be afraid of anything illness-related - as many people are - especially with the pandemic ongoing. Perhaps, though, she's glad to have some distance, now, from a rather overbearing friendship and is moving on?

Thinking again Cheeseplantmad - can you bear to give one more try? It did seem a good friendship.

If you wish her well in new home (yes, I know how hurt you feel, but who knows wha has hit her?) and invite her to visit it may come up as a plus: OTOH if you get no response, you can be really clear what is going on.

Sorry to hear about your situation and I can well understand how you feel. When I went through a difficult time in my life a couple of friends, who I had had since my youth, just dropped me because I was no longer 'available'. I had my elderly mother to put first. However, I joined the U3A and WI and have now made lots of friends for different occasions. They are now the mainstay of my social life and have brought a fresh wind of change.

Ailsa43

I have only one thing to say , Can you be MY friend Cheeseplantmad ?... you sound like the type of friend everyone would like to have...

Thank you …I wish I had a friend like myself also..☺️

V3ra

Oh dear. I'm sorry you've been so poorly and hope you're on the mend now.

I suspect your friend might have been very busy with her move and is similarly puzzled that you haven't contacted her, being unaware of your stay in hospital.

Maybe contact her now and let her know, wish her well in her new home and see if she responds?

I had been ill at home for couple weeks before I ended up in hospital, which were also before she moved , so she does know as I’d sent her message to say I’m now in hospital, but not heard back from her . I feel too upset to send her good wishes on her new home when she has not wised me well.

V3ra

Oh dear. I'm sorry you've been so poorly and hope you're on the mend now.

I suspect your friend might have been very busy with her move and is similarly puzzled that you haven't contacted her, being unaware of your stay in hospital.

Maybe contact her now and let her know, wish her well in her new home and see if she responds?

This. She would probably assume that you were OK as you have both family and social support, especially if she doesn't know you are ill.

I hope you make a full recovery from your illness. You have been used learn from it your kindness has been taken for granted.
Been there as many people have look after number one from now on accept no excuses you are worth more take care.

Oh dear. I'm sorry you've been so poorly and hope you're on the mend now.

I suspect your friend might have been very busy with her move and is similarly puzzled that you haven't contacted her, being unaware of your stay in hospital.

Maybe contact her now and let her know, wish her well in her new home and see if she responds?

There was a time many years ago when I felt myself rather "taken over" by a gay couple who lived in the same flats. They were constantly inviting me around for meals and ringing me. I was happy to socialise with them about once a week or fortnight but as I had other things going on in my life (I was writing up my Ph.D. and working part time) I often did not pick up the call when I saw it was them. Fortunately no smart phones then. Plus we lived on different floors so they had no way to know I was actually at home when they rang.

I didnt want to end the friendship - just to keep some boundaries. Eventually their relationship broke up but I am still close friends with one of them.

Sometimes its best just to step back a bit but not destroy the bridges.

I have only one thing to say , Can you be MY friend Cheeseplantmad ?... you sound like the type of friend everyone would like to have...

I really am sorry you are so poorly, and hope you feel better soon. Yes, as above would either give her a bit more time: or challenge with a phone call to ask her to visit. But it does sound as if she is just a "taker".

but definitely widen your friendships as soon as you are able.

Hithere

Looks like she is a taker and you are a giver

Who would initiate a call and an interaction in the past?

It would be mutual , but I did notice that she would make a point to phone me to say of an upcoming appointment where be difficult for her to get to by bus , knowing that I would offer her a lift there . Looking back , I can see I’d been used .