True friend or not ?

Friendship is a complex relationship and can't really be analyzed in one dimensional terms like giving and taking. It undoubtedly has elements restimulating feelings about very early relationships like mother/child or siblings and these feelings may be unconscious yet powerful, having an effect on adult friendships.

biglouis

There are some people who have a horror and impatience of listening to sad stories. Especially illness and in being guilted into having to look after or even spend time with someone unwell. I am like that myself. I very rarely visited people in hospital (even my own family) and used to make myself "difficult to contact" in the days before smart phones. Perhaps your friend is squeamish in that way and dreads being drawn into an illness saga even though you would not seek burder her.

Yes, can see your point of view , but , I feel that if your a good friend then you would be there for one another , as to me, that’s what having a good friendship is all about . My late Aunty Jean would always say ‘ if you find just one good friend in this life then you are blessed “ .

Thank you everyone for your kind replies , at least I’m not the only one who feels she is not much of a friend . I were surprised she sent me a Get Well card also a message to give me her new landline number . But , I suppose I just don’t feel the same anymore , she did know I were very poorly in hospital as I’d sent her message to tell her , but her total lack of care & thought in the two weeks I were in hospital brought it home to me that she were not the friend that I thought that I’d had . Maybe I’m wrong , I don’t know .

There are some people who have a horror and impatience of listening to sad stories. Especially illness and in being guilted into having to look after or even spend time with someone unwell. I am like that myself. I very rarely visited people in hospital (even my own family) and used to make myself "difficult to contact" in the days before smart phones. Perhaps your friend is squeamish in that way and dreads being drawn into an illness saga even though you would not seek burder her.

OmaforMaya

GrauntyHelen

You aren't coming over well tome here You sound like you treated this lady as a charity case and felt she should be beholden to you I wouldn't enjoy that type of friendship and would take this chance to make a natural break from you

Well GrauntyHelen you don't come over as being a very nice person by saying what you did. I'm glad you're not my friend.

OmaforMaya Certainly agree with you on that one . With friends like GruntyHelen who needs enemy’s !

GrauntyHelen

You aren't coming over well tome here You sound like you treated this lady as a charity case and felt she should be beholden to you I wouldn't enjoy that type of friendship and would take this chance to make a natural break from you

GrannyHelen , how awful for you to reply in what you say , if I’d have met you a year ago no way would I give you a second glance with your attitude . So glad id not made a friend out of you, you sound really awful . Have you no heart or compassion ?

As sazzl says, maybe she is ill.
Perhaps a short text saying you are wondering if she is all right as she hasn't been in touch. And if she is all right, you will know where you stand.

No excuse really, a text takes a minute. I wouldn’t contact her and she would be off my Christmas list. There are givers and takers in life, she sounds self centered. Get well and dont stress the small stuff, you haven’t missed much.

Hope you are feeling better
Just a thought she could be unwell too. I think you should ring her.
Moving is very stressful and often makes people unwell

Ailsa43

I have only one thing to say , Can you be MY friend Cheeseplantmad ?... you sound like the type of friend everyone would like to have...

You sound like a lovely giving-of-yourself type person, who would be a treasure of a friend. Sadly, I do think you may have been taken advantage of. It's horrible when this happens, and I am so sorry to hear you've been so ill, without the grace of her support in return. I hope after all you've been through you can put this down to the peculiarities of people, get fit and well and be a smidge more cautious, but still open hearted, next time the situation arises.

I get your point effalump, and it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who gets exhausted when socialising.
But surely a text isn't a big ask.
It does seem really odd. I wonder is she all right.

Cheeseplantmad In defense of your friend, it maybe that she is a quiet, introverted person and really doesn't one to be out and about all the time. I say this becuase I am that type of person. Single, no kids, I had two friends - one died last summer and the other is a very busy Ambassador for a sewing company so she's not really 'available' much. Before you say "how sad", I really don't mind. Being a bit of a loner I enjoy just pottering around when I can. I have hobbies and I like to speak to (mainly) dogwalkers even though I don't have a dog of my own yet. I'm really not a people person and I get totally drained if I spend too much time with people. Perhaps you should ask her if she likes having a Saviour. It's notreally a snub, it's just that some people really are solitary.

Welbeck and Nadateturbe, it depends how you would tell her how you feel. I think it's okay calmly to tell her you feel hurt, no blaming, no whingeing. Best to mention it but lightheartedly, jokingly.

I do however think there is a risk for you the woman may hurt your feelings even more, depending on her reply to you (or lack of any reply). If you keep it on a joking level you would preserve your dignity, which is important to do.

I touched on this contributing to the post about hypochondria .
Some people are just totally self engrossed .
You've supported them when they need you , but when you do with some sympathy - they don't want to know .

I hope that you get better and I hope that you make a true friend .
Take care .

I think that the key is in your first sentence. You've only known her for a short while so maybe you haven't had time to know what the real person is like. I rather think that now you do. Hope you are now feeling better.

I'm so sorry you have been poorly and no contact from your so called friend I feel she could have sent a text or flowers at the very least . Some people are selfish and take advantage of a kind soul. There are many sorts of friendship some are long lasting and some just fizzle out when they have run their course you sound like a lovely caring person to me and you are a friend I would be proud to have . Don't let this person spoil friendships to come and I wish you a speedy recovery

don't tell her anything.
she's toast.
shake off the crumbs.
get well soon.
onwards and upwards.

I think Caleo is right and you should tell her you feel hurt that she didn't ask how you are.

cheeseplantmad I am so sorry to hear how poorly you have been and hope you are now feeling better.

How kind of you to invite your friend into your social circle and offer her lifts to various places (by the way, I think most people would at least offer on some occasions to contribute to your petrol costs and I would take it as a warning sign if someone continually availed themselves of my generosity without making such an offer). I think a lot of people would be very surprised and grateful to have found a friend like you - but it appears that the lady you helped was not appreciative and did not have your best interests at heart. Unless there is some very, very good reason why she has not contacted you, I feel she is not a friend and you should avoid her in future.

I am sorry you, quite understandably, feel very upset about what appears to be her lack of concern for you at a time when you were vulnerable. I hope you have many other friends who treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Wishing you all the best.

GrauntyHelen

You aren't coming over well tome here You sound like you treated this lady as a charity case and felt she should be beholden to you I wouldn't enjoy that type of friendship and would take this chance to make a natural break from you

Well GrauntyHelen you don't come over as being a very nice person by saying what you did. I'm glad you're not my friend.

I think, being charitable, that when someone moves away, they have a lot on their plate: the physical move itself, then dealing with things like new curtains, informing banks and other organisations of a change of address, signing up with new GP, etc etc that time passes very quickly and others can be overlooked.
Surely you wouldn’t expect to maintain the same kind of relationship now that you live 20 miles apart? If you still want to be in touch, ring her and see how the land lies. If not, move on.
My closest friends are my oldest ones. Newer ones are just acquaintances really, according to circumstances.

Does she know you're ill? Or is she wondering why you haven't asked how the move went?

Disclaimer: In no way does this reflect on the OP but I have been on both sides. As stated above I had friends since my youth and they dropped me like a hot brick when I had to become my mother's full time carer. However, now I find myself on the other side. I have one friend who used to be fine to talk to on Facetime as she lives on another continent but now I dread our talks. The minute her face appears she starts talking and 2 hours later she is still talking about all her illnesses, problems, difficult relatives, colour scheme in her condo etc. She does not stop for breath and short of either switching her off or shouting to get a word in edgeways, I am simply a listening apparatus. My heart sinks everytime she asks for 'one of our chats'. I have run out of excuses and am now using the time difference as an excuse that I don't get in till 6 p.m. I suppose it is about knowing what suits you and as gently as possible navigate your course down the 'waterway of friendships'. OP please find peace in whatever decision suits you.

I am so sorry that you have been ill. I hope you are feeling better.

Don't waste any time worrying or wondering about her - a good friend would look after you for a change.

She hasn't. She is not a friend.

It's funny isn't it how you suddenly stop hearing from so called friends when you are of no more use to them.
Worse than that though when they think they can suddenly pick you up and drop you when it suits them .
Who needs friends like that , I'd rather be lonely lol