To be upset about a lack of response

HannahLoisLuke

I’m amazed at how accepting a lot of you are about what is a simple case of bad manners. Same responses to the post about the rude 12 year old. If we just accept rudeness it will never get better will it.
With modern technology it takes a few seconds to send a thank you text or WhatsApp. To the OP, don’t send another penny.

I agree with you most just take the line of least resistance or some do and even blame themselves or others for being too authoritarian.
That is why we have a country full of badly behaved teenagers. Teachers leave the profession in their droves, hospital patients attack medical staff, and firemen are hurt and abused when trying to do their work.
A high proportion of us was brought up by parents or grandparents who had been in the armed services, they knew when to take an order not answer back and defer to their superiors. What kind of citizens are we bringing up?

Apart from the lack of a Thank You, which I agree is very bad manners, for a gift of money particularly, I would worry what has happened to it - you said it was "fielded by his mother" - perhaps she doesn't actually want him to have it yet and is trying to teach him to budget or simiar?
Perhaps you could ask HER if she got it to him safely, as you haven't heard anything yet and the cheque hasn't been cashed?

Alas, I remember myself at that age and know that I would not have sent a thank you. At 75 I now simply text or phone using the excuse that I worry about it not being delivered. In the case of the mother delivering it I would ask if she remembered to give it to them. After a few years of this they usually get the message and act on their own. I also had a nephew who didn't let know money had arrived.

To be frank I would cancel the cheque.

Apparently this young man is not concerned about money, which is rather odd, as in my student days I would have run to the bank as fast as I could if any kind relative had sent me a cheque.

I would, of course, belonging to the generation I do, have written or phoned at once to say thank you.

However, as it was a 21st birthday present you may want to let it stand, especially as you know from his mother that she personally handed your letter to her son.

In your place I would feel that as he is now fully adult, you are going to stop sending him presents of any kind.

He seems not to be in need.
Lucky boy.

I have mixed feelings on this one.

I wouldn't dream of not acknowledging a gift, but I know that when they were students my children didn't always remember, as my mother expected me to know whether they got her cards and so on. I said that I don't know - why would I? They lived miles away, and I didn't see their post or speak to them every day, but she would pester me until I find out.

I know that they should have thanked her, but it wasn't my fault if they forgot, and it's really irritating to be asked whether someone else has got something. I suggested that she ask them direct, but I think a lot of older people don't realise that phones work both ways , so it ended up with me ringing my mum (she doesn't ring me), for her to ask me to ring them to ask them to ring her 🤪.

I also know that banking cheques was difficult for both of them, as banking hours are so limited. Neither had a local branch, so it would mean going into the city centre if they could find a day when they were neither studying or working and the bank was open. I don't know if they can pay in online now, but this wasn't an option when they were students.

I do agree with biglouis's post though. My mum was in hospital recently, and both of my children got in touch with messages and flowers. Surely that shows they care more than a token 'thank you' for a gift?

I don't know why younger people seem to find it more difficult to say thank you, but I absolutely disagree that this is because they are badly behaved or bad citizens. I think it's just one of those things that generations do differently for reasons we don't understand because we are not them.

I think it's a shame that so many people set so much store by 'thank you's - even going so far as to consider stopping sending gifts to people they say they love. It just sets people up for disappointment, when IMO it's so much more important to know that they care about you than that they are grateful. Having said that, if the gifts are only being sent out of duty anyway, then it probably is for the best if they are stopped.

My grandkids 15 and 10 don’t ‘do’ cash …they’ve never ever encountered a cheque!! I’ve never used a cheque for 12 years!! I don’t even know where to find my cheque book!
I do bank transfers to their ‘Go Henry’ accounts. He might not have access to a bank ….they have long queues … all sorts of reasons can ensue! Ask him next time for bank details… and you can do it online.

I don’t think it’s really about cheques, it’s about good manners and I don’t think a simple “thankyou” by text/WhatsApp is too much to ask …

P.S. when I do send my grandkids M money to bank accounts ..they ALWAYS say thank you …by text…. which is their way. And never have to be reminded by parents! It’s how you’re brought up ….and please and thank you are NOT a generational thing. Just politeness!

Mine were brought up to do it too, though. I'm not saying I approve, just that they forgot to do it when they were students.

They are adults now, and earn their own money, so it's not an issue, but I genuinely don't think it's about caring. They both sent flowers to my mum in hospital, and have spoken to her on FaceTime, which is, IMO, far more important.

We had a similar problem a few years ago, dyslexic son received a cheque and didn't pay it in. Transpired he thought it was like a voucher and that it represented cash paid in to his account directly, didn't know he had to take it to the bank. He'd never seen or heard of a cheque before. Didn't know what to say as although he checked his account regularly the money never materialized. All quite amusing in retrospect.

That generation don’t use checks, my thirty something year old son was paid for an artwork with a check and had to ask what do with it, he thought it was terribly old fashioned and a nuisance.

He also never uses gift experiences either and finds them a hassle. He says thanks but won’t use them as he’s busy. I think cash in a card is the easiest, if your gift has caveats, perhaps write in the card, ‘make sure you let me know what fun thing you spend it on!’

I wouldn’t send my granddaughter a cheque. Most young people bank online and it can be a faff to pay in a cheque particularly as many banks have closed branches. I do bank transfers or, as she visits regularly, cash but she tends to prefer the former as she rarely uses cash. It’s how the world is evolving, I’ve just changed banks and bank online but have to visit their only branch in a fairly large city to change my PIN number.

Nannina cheques can now be ‘paid in’ by just taking a photograph of it on your Banking App. No need to go to the banks anymore!

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Don’t worry, as it was a cheque it is quite safe and you will know when it has been cashed. One of my children used to take weeks, almost months to pay cheques in, it happened eventually.

My mother used to send cheques. We didn't cash them and she'd nag us about it. Eventually, she took the hint and stopped sending them.

I think it's a shame that so many people set so much store by 'thank you's - even going so far as to consider stopping sending gifts to people they say they love. It just sets people up for disappointment, when IMO it's so much more important to know that they care about you than that they are grateful. Having said that, if the gifts are only being sent out of duty anyway, then it probably is for the best if they are stopped.

DoodleDog I absolutely agree with this paragraph of yours. I find the expectation of a thank you bewildering, despite me being the type of person who writes thank you notes!

Papermonster

Ditto on the shame

When your birthday rolls around ,thank your nephew for the check in the amount of the check you sent him, and that you will be sure and spend it on something you enjoy. Of course, what you are talking about is the check that never got cashed by him, but he will be furiously wondering when he sent you a check??? And that will be exactly what he deserves. Enjoy!

My kids (the same kind of age as your nephew) never deal with cheques and would look at one as being like an antique, it's a generational thing. Not thanking you is a different matter, though!

I am an accountant. Can’t see the problem. Send all your spare cheques to me. Just joking of course.

Maybe he's rich and doesn't need your money.
Treat yourself instead!!

I would just leave it, he can’t be bothered. Maybe time to stop though.