At a loss

How is this couple preparing to celebrate Christmas? From what you say they seem incapable of organising their daily lives, so who is doing Christmas? But as it holiday time they cannot continue to evade a discussion.
Following the festivities you need to have some sort of family conference to organise child care as I cannot imagine the five year old is flourishing in this chaotic situation. Then the finances need to be sorted out and all the money you have paid out reimbursed. Are they having trouble paying the mortgage?
Finally, your daughter in law's health has to be addressed; impossible to say if she is ill, tired, depressed or simply expecting everyone to take responsibility for her life without making the slightest attempt to help herself; I wonder how well her high-powered (?) job is going?
I suspect she isn't coping but she has to be honest as to why, then you can judge exactly how much help you are prepared to give, to help them sort out their problems, short-term.
This isn't a problem that is going to sort itself.

Oh Annajay I'm so terribly sorry. 💐

Step back otherwise they'll never learn.

Annajay - so, so sorry for your loss. It puts everything I’ve been worrying about today into perspective

Just a thought here, i might be reaching... I probably am, but: your dil has private medical through her work and was unable to leave a conference table. Sounds like a high power (ie high pressure job). Is your son the lower wage earner? Perhaps there's an expectation that if she's dealing with all this work pressure, earning the bulk of the money, he should be picking up the slack? And he isn't, hence why you're being dragged into it and why she's so unhappy? I wouldn't want my mil picking up my family's slack when i felt my oh had the capacity to stand up and just wasn't doing so.

Maybe it's unreasonable to expect him to sacrifice his job for his family but plenty of women do this every day for their higher earning husbands and society doesn't bat an eye?

Clare Because they are a bit chaotic and dramatic, as well as deaf to any suggestions of things like, packing before hand, getting a skip, sorting out removal van etc, my husband and I ended up being heavily involved with childcare, tip runs, liaising with removal companies, sourcing boxes, doing endless amounts of laundry as they had bin bags full, moving boxes and boxes of stuff they hadn't packed when the moving van came, and paying for a cleaning service to do an end of tenancy clean on their old house

So this suggests that your conversations need to be with both of them! Your comments suggest that they are both causing the problems, and you are running around solving the problems for them. .

*My DIL was at a works party literally 5 mins walk down the road from their house (day time). I wrenched my shoulder lifting the laundry, I have spondylitis in my neck and back which can flare, the carpet fitters rang to say they would be ready within half an hour, could I please return and pay them.
I rang my DIL, explained re the carpet fitters, and dodgy shoulder and asked if she could nip home to pay the carpet fitters, a 10-15 min round trip, walking. She said no, she was at an 'event' and currently sitting at a conference table, and had to go*

You asked if she could go home!! Why did you not just inform her that the carpet fitters needing paying and you could not deal with it, so you would leave it with her. And that you had to go as you were dealing with their washing and your very painful shoulder. Can you see the difference. By doing tge above you are putting the responsibility on to her and leaving her to solve their problem!

Since the move, she has been unwell, exhausted and feeling wobbly. So my husband and I have been getting up at 6.30am in the morning to drive over and take our granddaughter to school, then go shopping, pick up granddaughter etc.

But she still managed to go to a works event!! You need to decide what you are able to/happy to do and tell them together what that is, leaving them to find a solution to whatever is left!! It is their responsibility not yours and nothing will change while you solve everything whilst feeling resentful!

*For eg. My husband decided to let me sleep yesterday morning as I had a migraine in the night, he turns up to pick up Granddaughter , DIL is up, dresssed, wants to come. After dropping off granddaughter, she asks husband to take her.to local doctors surgery to pick up prescription, then when they get there she tells him its a half hour wait in the car for the pharmacy to open. The frustrating thing, is if she had been open about it from the start, e wouldn't have minded, but he felt manipulated,
DIL then asks me to go shopping, messages list, shopping done and delivered, no offer to pay for it.It all sounds kind of petty, but we are both exhausted as we both have our own health issues.*

So why were the following things not said?

"Why didn't you say we would have to wait half an hour for the pharmacy to open?"

"I had a migraine in the night so no I am not up to doing your shopping"

"Here is your shopping. Here is the receipt. You owe me ...."

Can you see how you seem to be enabling the behaviour from both of them by your own behaviour?

You need to talk to them both, go through your concerns, tell them what you can do from now on, do it, and leave the rest to them!

Good luck

I know someone who's entire life consists of helping her elderly mother and/or her youngest (grown up) child. Both of them are very demanding of her time and, seemingly, in competition to claim it. When she went on holiday, though, they both managed just fine without her. Funny, that - isn't it?

*Annajay I am so sorry for your loss

OP, twice now you've said about not wanting to make your son into a go-between.
can you not see how cock-eyed that is.
do you think you might be caught up in a co-dependent situation.
do you need to be needed?
just step away. live your own life. don't try to live theirs for them, or to live yours through them.

I too think you need to communicate better with your son

Also you need to learn to say no

People will rely on you if you let them, you are no longer parenting children... it's time to take off the apron

I'm so very sorry for your loss Annajay.

If your DIL is feeling so ill, then how come she doesn’t make a point of going to the doctors to actually find out what’s wrong with her ? Also, if she is so scared / nervous of driving , then how come she wanted to learn to drive and to pass her test in the first place ? Also , question being , how DID she pass her test if she were so bad ? What a cop out ! Why couldn’t they sort out their own washing while they were moving , that’s what everyone else would have to be doing ? These questions would make me wonder if she’s pulling a fast one as it’s easier for her to pass the buck onto you ? I think I’d need to seriously get to the root of the problem rather than just continue as things are .
As others have said , why can’t she do online shopping and pay for it theirselves? Be ‘ woman ‘ enough to get to the root of the problem , as I get the feeling your being taken for a ride on this one .

Annajay I am so very sorry for your loss.

Annajay how heartbreaking for you all. Like you say you did everything you could. So, so sad xx

Op

Then your son makes other arrangements for her daughter to go to school

You put all this mess in your dil when your son is supposed to be innocent here - so not the case

What would your son do if you were not here to enable aka help?
They have to do that then

Annajay

My beautiful daughter and her lovely partner struggled with so much in life. We did every last thing we possibly could to support them however hard it was for us. She took her life a month ago. I could not be more heartbroken and I will never regret that we did all we could to help them even though ultimately it wasn't enough.

I am so sorry for your loss, annajay.

If your grand daughter is at a school 10 minutes walk away then DIL needs to get up earlier and walk her daughter to school!!
If she won't take the help offered to assist her in overcoming her fears of driving then she has to deal with the inconvenience of dealing with day to day stuff of getting cold and wet and walking everywhere until she is ready to accept the help she has been offered or get a bike!!
She appears to have dropped her responsibilities as a parent and adult by allowing you and your DH to do everything for her.
If she is depressed or anxious then that can affect what she does on a day by day basis - she won't feel that she can do this or that but she is able to manipulate people into doing stuff for her!! She either really is ill, depressed and needs help or very clever at off loading her responsibilities.

What does she do if you go away for a week or two on holiday? I hope you don't book for the summer holidays when you can take advantage of off peak rates in term time.

Take some time out for yourselves - it is the holidays - so step away completely - lie in - ignore the phone - go out for lunch - or just do nothing at all. Just take time for you two.

PoppyBlue

You need to stop doing everything and more.
What is your son doing? I know you said he's swamped and stressed but it sounds like your DIL is too?

It sounds like you're picking up the jobs he should be doing/helping with?

This was my feeling too

Sorry but I think you need to back away and leave them to sort out their own lives rather than helicoptering them and then seething with resentment (but only against DIL and not your son)

They are a professional couple and can manage their own lives - you sound as though you have become so enmeshed in running errands and crisis management that they are just taking it for granted - both of them!

Your son needs to take responsibility as well - they both work so they both need to step up and manage the home
- they need wrap around care for the school runs from breakfast clubs, childminders or nanny
- both are capable of doing an online shop to be delivered evenings or weekends
- both can do washing
- the lack of move preparation is down to both of them
- if DIL cannot get to the doctor then there are plenty of online options
etc etc

You need to stop dashing in to solve their problems and let them sort it out

Hithere, You gave birth to your son - he is the link to his nuclear family. He picked her, he has to deal with her - not you or your husband

Yes.

She's not your child, speak to your son about your worry.

Oh dear. Maybe after the move you are just very tired and down?
What began as an exciting adventure - helping them move- has resulted in bitterness and recriminations.
Back off and nurse your wounds, quietly
I'm sure it will work out alright.

My in-laws helped us after we moved house 40 years ago and got carried away! To the extent that he (fil) painted the sitting room and bought horrid carpet and fitted it as a surprise
I was the ungrateful DiL.
They did a lot to help as well but I remember feeling very tense until they finally left after several weeks.
DH asked them to and his dad said they would "never darken our door again" . Luckily they did and we were friends again.

So sorry about your DD, Annajay.

The reason my son can't take his daughter to school is that he has to be at work an hour before. He teaches at another school a half hour commute away. Their daughter attends a school ten mins walk from their home.
The added complication is that although DIL has a driving license, she says she is too scared to drive. I get that, but she has been offered everything possible, further driving lessons for nervous drivers in their own car, hypnotherapy, she has refused it all. Which, as we live in an area where public transport is terrible, means that everyone has to take her everywhere.
I feel frustrated as she blocks any solutions that could make life less stressful for her.
I don't believe it's my sons job to act as a go-between. Frankly he has enough on his plate right now. Obviously there's a lot more to the story, which is perhaps why I'm feeling a bit at the end of my tether.

Why is your son not taking his own daughter to school?

If you don't look after yourselves you will drop with exhaustion. If I was you I would do a hotel spa break and take time out away from it all and turn your phone's off too. If you weren't there they would have to manage it all themselves. They are taking the Mickey pushing you to do much. Please take care.

Annajay My deepest sympathies.