At a loss

A horrid situation, but you are being exploited and you have to stop it. As long as you and your husband run round after them they will continue to live in a completely feckless manner. School holidays have started now so she has no excuse for not taking responsibility for the mess they are in.
If you feel guilty, offer to take care of your granddaughter and make sure she is cared for , but stop paying for things, fetching and carrying, doing washing etc. and leave them to sort it out.

It is not unusual, is it , nowadays, for adult children to expect their parents to subsidise them; think H&M.

However unwell she is, and however worried your son is, this young couple are taking you for a ride!

Next time she texts you a list, text back: Sorry, love, I am up to my eyes today.

Nothing will improve if you and your husband don't start saying NO.

ClareAB
Been in your place ( but not quite as heavy) so I know how you feel.
I’ll admit, to keep the peace, I told a few porkies when asked once again if we could do something.
Ie, oh no, sorry the cars going into the garage, got a Drs appointment, visiting someone.
It’s not nice, I know, to lie to your family but it worked for us.

I do wonder if you perhaps offered far too much help - that's now taken for granted. For instance, why do their washing for them, just because they're moving and there's a lot of it?

I'd tell my son 'Your shopping today cost £x - and I need it back to pay some bills!' Don't let them take advantage - and don't be so easily available to help out. Plan some things to do instead.

The shopping issue could be resolved by your daughter-in-law using online shopping and having it delivered to her home. She'd get to pay for it herself as well then... 🤔

MerylStreep

ClareAB
Been in your place ( but not quite as heavy) so I know how you feel.
I’ll admit, to keep the peace, I told a few porkies when asked once again if we could do something.
Ie, oh no, sorry the cars going into the garage, got a Drs appointment, visiting someone.
It’s not nice, I know, to lie to your family but it worked for us.

Been there done that got the tee shirt.
Now help out up to a point but not all the time.
Once your family have moved in take a step back from them.
Play up your own health probs.

As MerylStreep says I think a few porkies are in order. You cannot carry on like this it will make you ill.
Be firm, say no sometimes and bill them for all the shopping, in the long run I am sure it will work out and perhaps they will realise how lucky they are to have you and not take advantage anymore.

You could help them to help themselves. By all means look after your grand-daughter at yours but don't do anything else. I realise your DIL might be feeling a bit poorly but plenty of us still have to function when we don't feel 100% ourselves.
If they need to shop then point them in the direction of online shopping, ditto - prescriptions can be delivered - if push comes to shove they can sort their own laundry out or again use a laundry service.
In fact if they/DIL asked you to do XYZ then throw it back by saying I was hoping you would do xyz for us while you were doing whatever it is!!
Or simply go on strike (as it were) don't offer anything - have your lie in and if you get a call asking for help say you are having a lie in and will be available in 3 or 4 hours!! Just don't be so available!! If that's inconvenient then too bad!!

Why not letting them manage their own lives?
Plenty of couples move while working full time

Please call your son and coordinate anything you want with him. Don't be another mil that makes the dil the bad guy and son is an innocent bystander

The incident with the laundry- did they ask you to take care of it or did you decide to do that?
Calling dil while she is at work and busy is not the right move for sure. Why didn't you call your son?

I forgot to say, you have the right to say no to anything anybody asks of you

Not paying for their shopping is so unacceptable. You must give them a bill for all of it.
They have to learn to take responsibility for their lives with you providing bits of peripheral help ..... but the core tasks should be theirs.
Put your foot down with a firm hand!!!

I think there’s an old saying: the more you do, the more you may. I think it sums up what’s happening here.
As others say, you need to tell a few white lies so they’re not so dependent on you. It will be better for both of them in the long run.

You need to stop doing everything and more.
What is your son doing? I know you said he's swamped and stressed but it sounds like your DIL is too?

It sounds like you're picking up the jobs he should be doing/helping with?

Sounds like you need a well earned rest. Give them a weeks notice and treat yourselves to a hotel break for a few days. Let them realise what you really do.

It is not unusual, is it , nowadays, for adult children to expect their parents to subsidise them; think H&M

Any excuse 🤷‍♀️

Why do so many parents do so much for their children?

We are quite willing to help with things like house moves, when AC have done the leg work and just need a bit of help with unpacking or being in one house where mover is at the new house, but beyond that, I would not go.

Organising removal companies and the rest, I leave that to AC's. If they do not do it or make errors that is their problem and I would not allow myself to be part of the solution.As for the monetary side. I have always been particular about insisting any money advanced must be repaid. The odd few things from the shops is neither here nor there, but more than a fiver, I expect an offer to repay, even if I wave it away. If they didn't offer, I would ask for it back.

Parents are an emergency service notpart of the household.

I, too, wonder why you are doing so much for them.
They're getting on for middle-aged adults and the more you do for them, the less they will cope for themselves.

One lot of my family moved recently and were very well organised; we offered help but they managed as well as working and organising the children and their activities.

The best thing you could have done, if you wanted to help was offer to look after your DGD as it's not easy trying to organise a move with small children around.
I know, I've done it more than once and DH was working away too.

you say, 'you certainly don't want to discuss this with your son'

why not?

Excellent point lemsip
This whole post is utter, utter madness.
It needs to stop.

Lemsip As you point out the parents think this is something they cannot discuss with son.

This is a response we got time after time when we suggest family members discuss things together.

lemsip

you say, 'you certainly don't want to discuss this with your son'

why not?

I also wonder "why not"?

Your precious son is forever yours. Discuss gently.

In-laws are my "never discuss anything apart from biscuits with"

lemsip

you say, 'you certainly don't want to discuss this with your son'

why not?

Yes, I'm confused.

Why not, ClareAB?

Perhaps just cut back on your worry about their "chaotic and dramatic" -- some just are. Really not your worry at all.

you are treating them like teenagers, so they live up, or rather down to it, expecting you to rescue them.
stop rushing in and rescuing, and maybe they will sort themselves out.
not your circus, not your monkeys.
offer to have the child for a few hours at your house, when it suits you.
and send your son a bill for the money owed for groceries, and what about the laundrette costs etc.