Son and Christmas dilemma

I'd suggest that it is crazy to fixate on this one day of the year. There are 354 other days when you can invite your sons over . I don't have alienated sons, but my adult children often have to make plans involving inlaws etc. I just say that we can have a get together any day during the festive season . Once you change your mind set and accept that this "one day" isn't really so important, you can just enjoy the time that you can share with your family members.

Actually you are not excluding anyone. You are inviting both sons and letting them choose to be grown ups or petulant children.

Exactly! It's their issues and their choices. Invite them both, and let them decide!!

Topiary

Nandad I understand what you’re saying but by inviting Son I am automatically excluding Sibling as I know they wouldn’t attend if knows Son is coming.

Actually you are not excluding anyone. You are inviting both sons and letting them choose to be grown ups or petulant children. You are so worried in alternate years son 2 might not come
You’re willing to exclude son 1 whenever his brother is available can you not see how if you don’t tread carefully son one may decide you are just as much a problem as son two finds son one ?

Also you said you might upset them which would mean you spent Christmas alone. DH and I have had Christmas’ alone a few times. Not a problem just phone kids wish them happy Christmas and sit back and enjoy a peaceful day.

To be honest my sympathies lie with the son who is always expected to accept that he must come alternative Christmases because that’s what you’ve arranged with his brother.
You say sibling is more sensitive so have to tread carefully, I think your other son is sensitive too and doesn’t want to be backup which I think he is.

Christmas can be fraught for so many. I have two sons too. We seldom spend Christmas altogether as there’s quite a lot of us.
I have always said to them both that I don’t mind who does what at Christmas as long as we get to see them and be together sometime between Christmas Day and New Years Day.
This year DS1 invited us for Christmas Day. Made no arrangements with DS2 till yesterday when we both agreed it would be nice to be together on the day after Boxing Day that way we have a day in between to recover. That suits us.

Your son seems to have accepted that his sibling gets the fixed alternate years with you which is what he seems to need and only kicks off when you want to force him to do the other years. They may have different plans. Why not just say we’d love to see you when you are free.

Topiary

I think in the new year I will try and ask if they can sort it out. This is having such an effect on the whole family.

I am honestly not favouring Sibling. It’s that I am worried by forcing them to stay away they will say that they aren’t going to alternate any more. And then if Son doesn’t come every year (which I don’t think he would) we could end up not having anyone here. Son has said in the last that he doesn’t want to be in a strict routine. Some years they have hosted us, some years us and DIL parents and other years they’ve spent with friends. So it’s not set in stone the way it is with Sibling.

Seems like you fear by forcing the issue that you will end up having no one , than to be fair to son . Sorry but I couldn’t put up with this as if it were me then I’d have to talk to both sons to get to the bottom of it . Invite them both , then it be up to them to sort out their indifference’s , and if your ‘ alternative’ plans go pear shaped then so be it , at least then your not favouring one son over the other , because the way it stands that’s exactly what your doing . Book to go away next Christmas and leave them all to it . This is not your problem it’s theirs , to sort out as mature adults.

I think you should abandon Christmas as a suitable occasion for socialising with your children.

Topriary, so sorry, I knew which son I meant but put it down all wrong. Blame it on virus I have.
I think the son that won't fit in with arrangements is your favourite, your other son has been there when you would have been alone. You must have hurt his feelings ringing up just to ask about presents. If it were me I would do my own thing in future and leave you with the one you prefer. You could however have a talk with both of them and clear the air by saying you love them both equally but are in a diffucult position, but it needs sorting, you're the mother.

We ask our 4 daughters (along with their spouse, our GC and GGC) to each select a date and menu for their own Christmas lunch with us.

Seems to work well. They seemingly all adore each other, but we are too many and too much noise in one time.

The Advent festive season isn't only one or two days. We just drop off their gifts in early December and let them figure out that bit.

NO to perception to favourites. NO who loves who best contest.

Please do NOT ask them to sort it out, huge mistake

Your active mothering phase is over

They are adults and they have to decide that themselves

It has as much effect in the family as you give it - lower your expectations and this effect will go away

Your favoritism is loud and clear.
You need to get out of denial to address this and improve the situation
You are also not a victim here, but an active participant

Plenty of adults do not want a rigid schedule in Xmas, your son is doing nothing wrong

If one day, the rotation or current arrangements change, please do not make a fuss, celebrate any other day and go with the flow

I think in the new year I will try and ask if they can sort it out. This is having such an effect on the whole family.

I am honestly not favouring Sibling. It’s that I am worried by forcing them to stay away they will say that they aren’t going to alternate any more. And then if Son doesn’t come every year (which I don’t think he would) we could end up not having anyone here. Son has said in the last that he doesn’t want to be in a strict routine. Some years they have hosted us, some years us and DIL parents and other years they’ve spent with friends. So it’s not set in stone the way it is with Sibling.

Goodbyetoallthat

Really the only “solution” to this is to invite both son 1 & sibling (is sibling son 2?) & leave them to sort it out between themselves.
I do understand why son 1 feels aggrieved as you seem to put more value on the feelings of sibling & he is just expected to fit in.

That is probably the best idea.

The siblings shouldn't be putting their mother in this difficult position. It's not her problem - it's theirs.
Sort it out.

Frankly Topiary, I’m finding the things you are saying so skewed in favour of your younger son than I’m beginning to doubt this is a genuine post.

Your older son must love you very much to keep taking your rejection of him in favour of his brother.

Really the only “solution” to this is to invite both son 1 & sibling (is sibling son 2?) & leave them to sort it out between themselves.
I do understand why son 1 feels aggrieved as you seem to put more value on the feelings of sibling & he is just expected to fit in.

Why is it that the absent child is often the favourite, I have to help my mother a lot with day-to-day things. My brother visits twice a year for a couple of hours and phones once a month but he can do no wrong.

It does seem that you also favour the one that was absent. I would tread carefully or you could lose one of your sons.

Nandad I understand what you’re saying but by inviting Son I am automatically excluding Sibling as I know they wouldn’t attend if knows Son is coming.

All sorts

Son 1 is the one who hosted us for Christmas a few times. We all really nice times.

Sibling lived abroad.

Both now in the UK.

Son 1 is prepared to be civil.

Sibling says they can’t be civil even though the row was over some silly things and grudges that seems to have got out of hand. I honestly thought it would just blow over.

Sibling is more sensitive so have to tread carefully or they might not even come on alternate years then.

A bit different, but I used to invite my legally separated (but still living in the same house) parents to Christmas and other events, dad would say ‘not if your mother is coming’. Mum would nearly always come so dad wouldn’t come. It was his choice to not attend. You should invite both children, it will be down to them to make the decision to not come. I can understand why your son feels hurt.

Topiary, As I undersand it, son 1 was abroad for years, son 2 always saw you. Son 1 is prepared to share the day with son 2, but don 2 doesn't want to, you need to tread carefully you don't like the faithful and seemingly nicer son 1. You rang last minute about the exchange of presents, not about seeing him, yet you had already made arrangements with son 2.
Can't you see you unfair it is.?
If I was son 1 would not be trying as you don't listen.

Sometimes parents just dont want to accept that their children have their own plans and priorities and have no obligation to fit in. It sounds to me that your son who was not invited this year has made his plans already. Saying he will drop off your gift and touch base later seems reasonable.

I used to loath the big "family" christmas with kids under foot, petty squabbling and lack of privacy. As a non driver I was "stuck" at my parenbts house from christmas eve until the day efter boxing day when the trains began running again.

Every year in november my mother would begin asking "what are you doing for christmas" knowing well how I hated it. Eventually I began saying "Well Ive booked a holiday in Morocco/India/Nepal (insert non christian country) so I wont be here. For the first few years I really DID visit these countries over christmas. Until it occurred to me that I could simply say I was going to be away so no one would be any the wiser.

Eventually my mother had to accept that I did not want to come for the big extended family christmas.

Obviously we don’t know the reason they don’t get on, it happens in many families but in an ideal world wouldn’t it be lovely for them to bury the hatchet, ( not in each other though) makes it very awkward for parents! But I actually think you are favouring the sibling!

It does seem that you are favouring one child Topiary this is their problem and not yours. I would invite both families and let them decide how they want to react.
What a shame Christmas throws up these sorts of problems.

The real issue is that for some reason one son feels that the other son was the favourite son and he was always the also run.

It doesn't mean that this is actually true, just that something happened that led to him thinking this. I had this problem with my sister. It was only after our father died we had that heart-to- heart conversation that addressed the issue, that turned out to be based on a misunderstanding.

You and the son who feels sidelined need to have a conversation with defences down to explain the past and understand each other and then go from there.

Alternatively, as there is not much time to re-organise this Christmas, grin and bear it and in January tell both sons what will happen from Christmas 2023, that you will spend Christmas day with each son alternatively. and Christmas Eve/Boxing day with the other - and stick to the arrangement

I can detach myself from any battles or squabbles - it's their problem, not mine. A lot of sibling rivalry (even into adulthood) is fuelled by a desire to impress a parent, to be the 'best kid' - quite pathetic, really.

It's entirely up to me who I invite, and when. Of course, I'd try to be fair, but if anyone was awkward or couldn't attend, I'd just ask somebody else. My Christmas, New Year (or whatever) celebrations are not an opportunity to resume competition and conflict with siblings!

Well I know what I think and it’s along the lines of the majority of posts.
Sibling rivalry is endemic but not helped when the parent clearly pussyfoots around one child.
If it is making you unhappy, read the replies and look hard inside yourself. They are both your sons.