Neighbour refuses to wish anyone HNY

I think it’s safe to assume that the poster who started this thread has long left the building.

Leave the poor woman alone, for some it isn’t a happy new year at all. Who gives a sod whether she says it or not,

My goodness so many unpleasant answers (why?) and so many sad ones. My heart goes out to those of you who have lost dear ones. I still miss my 'little' sister who died in 2013, and this December I thought I might lose my husband, which was truly awful and enables me to empathise with all of you who have been widowed.

In respect of the original post, you are right, 'grief has no time'. It is understandable she still signs for her husband. She still feels part of a couple, does not want to see her name alone on the page - that's understandable too.

It is hard to wish 'Happy New Year' sincerely if you no longer believe in happiness.

Obviously it's really hard for your friend and I don't think you can, or should, expect anything of her, other that she will grieve in her own way, which is right. We never really 'move on' - we learn to live with the hurt, which can change our behaviour.

One thing that may be happening is that you could be picking up some unconscious anger from your friend. When someone we love and need dies it is not unusual for the bereaved person to feel anger - at the person who has 'left' them, or at life/Universe/God or all of the above. Because this emotion seems irrational and shameful it's often hard for the bereaved person to admit to this, and it's hard to process. Maybe - just maybe - your friend is dealing with some anger. Obviously you should not confront this or in any way suggest it is the case. Your friend needs every ounce of understanding and patience you can give her. Hopefully she is having bereavement counselling. Be her friend, be kind and tolerant and maybe, hopefully, in your hour of need you will be treated the same way.

I always feel uncomfortable wishing people HNY. It always sounds insincere.
So now I don’t bother.

Why not wish her A Better New Year. Christmas and New Year can be devastating for some no matter how long since a bereavement or other significant event in their life.

Winniewit

Ndn and her DH moved in about 5 years ago.
He was quite ill with respiratory disease which eventually took his life.
We have been good neighbours to them both and I told him that we would be there for his wife..which we are.
3 years have passed since then .
When NY comes around when neighbours or friends and family wish HNYher she just ignores them. At first I thought she hadn't heard me to I repeated it. And once again ... silence
Eventually she admitted that she won't say it because for her there will be no more happy years since she lost her DH.
To me and others..it'd like she hope that because she is alone and ...why should anyone else be happy.
Another she does is sign her Christmas cards and birthday cards from herself and her DH

I think she hasn't come to terms with it all yet.
Grief has no time

Whats it to you?Put youself in her shoes and stop being judgy

Larsonsmum

Oh my goodness - have some empathy and understanding. Sad that this concerns you so much, given you know this bereaved neighbour’s circumstances.

My thoughts exactly!

I still have my DH so can't comment, but I can say that I think it is really lovely to see fellow gransnetters being so supportive of those of us who have lost their DHs.

I would agree that we all grieve differently. I have not lost my DH, so it would be wrong for me to comment on something of which I have no personal experience. I do know people widowed at varying times of life though and their grieving has been different for each. My aunt lost my uncle in their late 60s and she never celebrated Christmas at home again, nor would she come to us, preferring to go away instead and we respected that. Younger folk eventually reacted differently, choosing to start life anew, although it took time.
My mother died end of November when I was 15. My father and I never put her name on Christmas cards after her death and it would have seemed strange to us to do so.
My father died aged 93 on 18 December 2007. Of course we grieved but our children were quite young and not having any kind of Christmas would have been awful for them. Not at all like losing a lifelong partner I fully appreciate. Life goes on for those left behind however you grieve.

She's possibly suffering from depression , since her husband passed away. She might find it hard to look forward to each new year .Don't take it personally. It's not "possible" to cheer somebody out if depression .I hope she gets some help. Has she got family? Was she alone over Christmas ? It would help if people maybe invite her for a cup of tea ? The refusal to wish HNY, is a cry for help.

Has the opening poster returned?

Oh my goodness - have some empathy and understanding. Sad that this concerns you so much, given you know this bereaved neighbour’s circumstances.

Thankyou to all who posted on here especially the courageous ones who have shared their pain. My heart goes out to all of you and I hope against hope that being on GN helps you feel a tiny bit less alone. I don’t think any way of grieving is inappropriate even if it wouldn’t be my way …

At the age of 99, Christmas and New year is not a happy time for me. I lost the love of my life thirty years ago and I still grieve for him. It is like losing a part of one.
At my age I have outlived all of my friends the last two dying over the past few days.
I spent the days housebound and alone apart from my son and daughter in law and grandson visiting for one day (all my relatives live many miles away) and my help coming for her usual daily visit.
It is not a happy time for so many people all over the world. Thinking of those in Ukraine and all the refugees and those sick in hospital. Eight years ago I was in intensive care in hospital over Christmas.

My, relatively young, neighbour decided a couple of years ago not to ‘do Christmas’. She doesn’t wish anyone HC or send cards etc. Her husband does bits he can get away with. It suits them and doesn’t bother me so each to their own

Let her be. Brush it off. We all deal with this differently. If she wants to sign her Christmas cards from both her and her husband that’s perfectly fine. A very dear friend of ours did the same for years by putting “and not forgetting G” but we never thought it was strange. She stopped doing it in her own time. I signed my husband’s name on one quite automatically this year. He died in April. I pointed out to my GS that I had done it and said I would scrap it and write another. He said “Leave it Nan, it’s a nice thing to do. It makes it feel like he’s still here.” Out of the mouths of (teenage) babes….

Grief comes in many forms and to much extent it is very personal.

No one can grieve for you and how you deal with is very personal to you.

Trying to help someone who is grieving is far from easy, for what could be one way of helping may be no help at all, for really no one can help, for to accept grieving is personal. To cope with grief takes time, if it is ever coped with.

It's sad to read of so many with heavy hearts, and loss. It is a struggle often to find words of comfort. When my Mother died, a Minister said that we should try to think about the whole span of her life, not just the difficult end, and to remember, once the initial shock had passed, that those who love you would never want you to be unhappy. Certainly not for ever. I hope my thoughts do not upset or offend as they are meant to comfort, and it seemed appropriate to share the words that helped me.

We all grieve differently. I haven’t sent a Christmas card since my husband passed, can’t bear to write only my name.

I'm another 2022 widow, 3 months ago after 57 years of true happiness (60 if you include from the day we met).He was 87 so it was in no way a tragedy but of course I miss him every minute of every day. However I have the comfort and support of family and friends including you people on GN and I hope I have found the strength to be a positive and cheerful presence for them in turn.
By the way I think I shall aways refer to the ACs as our son and our daughter.

It's really unfeeling of you to wish her HNY tbh.

Thank you ❤️

MadeInYorkshire

My daughter died on the 24th November, and quite frankly I don't give 2 sodding hoots because I just cannot force myself to wish anymore a Happy New Year ... it's not that I wish them sorrow or bad health etc, I don't, it's just I haven't had a HNY for around 2 decades now and this year it's now even worse!

I am desperately sad, lonely, unwell, and frozen because I cannot afford to heat my space, and if it wasn't for my other daughter and my dogs, I would be joining her .... It's not my turn anymore and I have really had enough.

MadeInYorkshire .... thank you for being so honest, my heart goes out to you .... whilst I can heat my home and eat well, I'm lonely, sad and unwell too. I dread Christmas and New Year every year, without exception, a very unhappy and miserable time for me as a child, in marriage and now widowhood. No different this year thanks to aggressive, selfish AC. The greetings of Happy Christmas and Happy New Year sound so hollow and meaningless when said if it's the last thing you want to hear. I totally understand the OP's neighbour. Look after yourself.

Keffie12 A tragic gift indeed.

Well at least you know now not to wish her a Happy New Year. When we reply and say Happy New Year back we are surely wishing the other person happiness in the year to come rather than saying we are happy ourselves so it is not unreasonable to infer that she doesn't want other people to be happy. But I imagine it is not so much that, than she wants everyone to recognise she is very unhappy. If her husband had died this year and other people knew this, I would say they were insensitive. But after three years, however unhappy she may remain, it is not always the time and place to draw everyone's attention to it. I have a friend who is dying this Xmas in heartbreaking circumstances but he has still managed to send an email wishing everyone else a happy Christmas.