Neighbour refuses to wish anyone HNY

TopSec, granto2, MadeInYorkshire

And really? Anyone suffering the death of a love.

Another thank you to Keffie for those words

Made in Yorkshire ,so sorry to read what a tough place you’re in/. Sending best hopes that things ease a little 🙏🏽

MadeInYorkshire I truly cannot imagine anything worse than to lose a child - it is life doing the wrong thing, at the wrong time. Words are never enough. My heart goes out to you. x

Keffie those words resonate; thank you for posting them.

Iam64

‘Admitted she won’t say it’. Did she ‘admit’ in response to questions? If she simply told you, there’s no admission involved. Saying she admitted to something implies she was in the wrong.
Grief hits us all differently. I’ve had close friends and family die but nothing comes anywhere close to the tsunami of grief that’s knocked me over since my husband died recently. It’s opened my mind to the different ways we all manage overwhelming grief
Your neighbour-her choices

Please accept my condolences for your loss

So what? Leave her alone. Her good wishes will not have an effect on your year. Why are you thinking that people must wish each other a happy feast / new year / birthday? Sentiments are not a switchboard. You are intimating her brain is addled, and that's not nice. Grief effects us all differently.

My daughter died on the 24th November, and quite frankly I don't give 2 sodding hoots because I just cannot force myself to wish anymore a Happy New Year ... it's not that I wish them sorrow or bad health etc, I don't, it's just I haven't had a HNY for around 2 decades now and this year it's now even worse!

I am desperately sad, lonely, unwell, and frozen because I cannot afford to heat my space, and if it wasn't for my other daughter and my dogs, I would be joining her .... It's not my turn anymore and I have really had enough.

Grief is a strange thing. I lost my mother, my father, my brother and my 25 year old son within the space of two years (my son died whilst in the military). DH and I decided then that we did not want to celebrate Christmas again as the whole meaning of our life (our son) was not there. We did this for 13 years. This year, we decided that the time was right and had 11 people around, including 6 of our god children (children of my son's friends). It was absolutely chaotic but lovely at the same time. Does it make me want to do it again next year - absolutely not . I am absolutely shattered . We are going to a lovely hotel in Cornwall for 4 days next time around.

What I am trying to say, rather awkwardly, is that I absolutely 100% know what this woman is going through. Yes, you do hang on to your loved ones when they are gone but everyone is different and however they want to get through various times of the year, then please let them do so. Someone gave me a card with the following message when we lost our son - it says (and I am not pointing this to anyone here and definitely not the OP

"Please stop expecting people who are grieving a significant loss to find the silver lining in something that has turned their world upside down. There is a time and place to search for rainbows, but the raw pain of grief isn't one of them"

Oh and I still do put my son's name on Christmas Cards (but in brackets) - I can't bring myself not to. He was a part of me and my husband and is still "my son"

I lost my wonderful husband in June 2022, we had been together for almost 50 years. I was dreading Christmas and New year without him but my wonderful family have made it more bearable for me and my two grandchildren are a joy. I put both our names on their presents as I and they want to remember him and I take the view that it’s also his money I’m using too. I’m not bothered if people think this is strange, everyone deals with grief in their own way, it’s certainly a club you don’t want to belong to. I don’t know how long it will take me to have more happy days than sad ones but I’m just taking one day at a time. Wishing you all good health and happiness for 2023 x.

I can't believe she means nobody else can have a happy new year - or happy life. It's just too hard on her to express anything happiness-related right now. If she was my neighbour I would invite her after you have taken down the seasonal decoration etc. Say : now that the festivities are over maybe you would like to join me for a walk and a cup of tea? I think she might like that more than being forced to join in the HNY ambiance.

Omg I hope no-one is so judgy of you when you lose your life partner. Yes I have lost my husband 5 years ago unexpectedly.

I've had bereavement counselling so I know to well that it is OK to feel how I feel. Thank goodness my family and friends aren't like you.

Grief is not a one time event you get over. How long will I love my husband? All my life. That is how long I will grieve. That doesn't mean I'm weeping and wailing all the time either.

How the heck does it affect you that she doesn't say HNY? Not at all. What the heck is wrong with her putting her husband name on the card. I still do it with brackets of "always with us"

Your problem is covertly your petrified of when it happens to you and you want to pretend it hasn't happened, not acknowledge it etc. It happens to us all eventually.

Death ended my husband life. It did not not end our marriage/relationship. Try reading the attached please.

You haven't a clue what she is going through and today thank god you haven't.

You don't come to terms with it. You learn to entwine it in your life. Love and grief have to learn to co exist.

Incidently for anyone struggling with loss these are who I used. It does not solve your problem.

It's a free non profit makkng service however donations always welcomed.

It helps you move forward with your loss. You don't move on. You learn how to move forward.

I'm being blunt because until you go their you have no idea. I can only think of any death worse and I'm not going to even write the words.

The loss of my mom 12 years ago was a walk in the park compared to losing my husband.il

I hope this helps you have some more understanding

Oh for anyone reading who has had the "when you meet someone else" line this is my response

Me: "Tell me, who you have lost close! Your mom isn't it? (Example)
Person: "Yes" looking puzzled"
Me: "So when are you going out to find a new mom then"
Person: looks horrified.
Me: "I rest my case," and walk off.

www.cruse.org.uk/

1Summer & Maw I agree with you absolutely. I lost my DH 7 mths ago and Christmas, NY and what wd have been our wedding anniversary all came at once and I found it so very difficult. People have wished me Happy NY and although they mean well I just think how can I possibly have a happy year ahead although I do return the greeting. I did even think about putting DH's name on the card to my DS but thought it would upset him too much. I imagine grief runs a different course for everybody, allow your neighbour to do whatever she feels content with.

My sister doesn't say it and it doesn't bother me at all. It's up to each individual how they feel about another new year ahead of them. I said it to a guy I know who replied " New Year, same c**p!

Well that’s upto her surly ..I would hate to live near you!
Poor woman, she’s grieving her husband!
Time you grew up …

I think her explanation is perfectly reasonable and understandable.

I wasn't aware it was mandatory to wish anybody a happy new year. Irrelevant of the circumstances

Let her be, it's her life, her loss, let her grieve however she wants to. Her grief and how she deals with it her business, not yours.

Live and let live i say....I mean shes not doing anyone any harm is she?

Welbeck - I suspect you’re right. I wasted emotional energy with my comment. The upside is gransnet has people like Fanny and janej who notice others so thank you

Same here

welbeck

i doubt the query comes from a real situation.
seems deliberately goady to me.

sadly I think you may be correct

I hate christmas and new year because my grandmother died in December 1979. I decided there was nothing for me to celebrate that year and just spent it on my own. After that I have never really celebrated it and have gone to great lengths to avoid large family gatherings.

I dont begrudge others the opportunity to celbrate as they wish so long as they dont draw me in. People are entitled to apend their time and money as they wish. When you stand outside the system you see how false and commercialised it all is. I know that many people envy me being able to opt out.

That doesnt mean I dont wish people happy holidays and happy new year. Its only a greeting.

i doubt the query comes from a real situation.
seems deliberately goady to me.

Witzend A few years after my father died, my mother said that the grief never goes away, but ‘It gets further away, if you know what I mean’.

I think I know what she meant.

TBH the only time she ceased to grieve was IMO after her dementia had reached a certain stage. If I showed her a picture of my father she’d just say very vaguely, ‘Oh yes - did he die?’ - not upset at all. I suppose there has to be the very occasional upside to dementia🙁

Dementia, is, to me as God's Grace in the lives of some widows. Mum was much happier with only vague memories of dad. A blessing.

Please respect her grief and just show her kindness if she asks for help or ever wishes to talk... grieving takes a long time...and if she wishes to remember her husband on her cards it is possibly all part of her grieving process...