Neighbour refuses to wish anyone HNY

Me too Norah

What I can’t understand about the op, is why people (‘neighbours and friends’) are still wishing her a HNY when she’s made it clear, a few years on, that she doesn’t like it?
There doesn’t seem to be much emotional intelligence or empathy going on here

(And it would upset me no end if I knew that someone started a thread like this about me)

Must say I’ve never understood that glib ‘coming to terms with it’ expression.
Exactly what is it supposed to mean?

A few years after my father died, my mother said that the grief never goes away, but ‘It gets further away, if you know what I mean’.
I think I know what she meant.

TBH the only time she ceased to grieve was IMO after her dementia had reached a certain stage. If I showed her a picture of my father she’d just say very vaguely, ‘Oh yes - did he die?’ - not upset at all.
I suppose there has to be the very occasional upside to dementia.🙁

Given my greatest fear is being a widow, losing the one I love and adore, I don't believe people "come to terms" with their spouse death on a timetable, if ever. Perhaps consider that your neighbor is coping best she can?

Iam64, one day at a time xx

You are doing so well Iam x

‘Admitted she won’t say it’. Did she ‘admit’ in response to questions? If she simply told you, there’s no admission involved. Saying she admitted to something implies she was in the wrong.
Grief hits us all differently. I’ve had close friends and family die but nothing comes anywhere close to the tsunami of grief that’s knocked me over since my husband died recently. It’s opened my mind to the different ways we all manage overwhelming grief
Your neighbour-her choices

I still wish people a Happy New Year, although it is hard, as New Year's Day is the anniversary of my only sister's death.

Thinking back, the year she died (2016) I most certainly did not wish anyone a happy New Year, even although I did sincerely hope theirs was more pleasant than mine that year!

A cousin mentioned in her Christmas letter that a near relation of hers (and mine) has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

I have just posted her a letter, in which I offered the little help I can give, living as we do over 1.000 km apart and ended my letter by saying that things being the way they are, I felt it would be crass to wish her a happy new year, but sincerely hope that this year will, all the same, bring them some joyful times.

Leave your poor neighbour to grieve in her own way and at her own pace.

I have a friend who lost her teenage son in a bike accident some years ago.
She signs her Christmas cards with his name.
I think that she started doing it when she was in the deepest depths of grief and carries on as a sort of tradition.
It’s fine of course.

Grief is a difficult and life changing thing. You are probably the least of her worries and she is probably just trying to live each day without collapsing in a heap.

I don't wish people HNY unless its just a casual thing/strangers. I say stuff like, "I hope next year goes as well as possible" "May 2023 be a better year, and so on. Depends on the others circumstances.

I have no idea why this is even perceived as something to think about. She is who she is. She is clearly grieving. She is finding her own way to cope with that. Why on earth would it matter if she doesn't say Happy New Year. Why has that decision on her part got anything to do with not wanting other people to be unhappy.

I am sure she appreciates whatever you do for her as a good neighbour. But leave her to make her own decisions without gossiping about it!

NotAGran55

Why do you all keep bullying this poor neighbour? She’s told you how she feels but you still persist in making her uncomfortable.
Show her some compassion for heaven’s sake please this coming year and respect her wishes.

This, could not say it better. Her choice, leave her to it for goodness sake.

What an odd thing to be concerned with. Respect your neighbour feeling as she does. It’s not about you.

A one size fits all doesn’t work with grief, Winniewit. It certainly can’t suddenly go away as you seem to think it should.

Why do we have to be everyone's social norm. I have always hated xmas, but prefer new year. I suppose that makes me odd. I have my reasons, only known to me. We have a n,bour who insists on covering her place with all Xmas lights known to man. None of us do, but its personal choice. Most of us wish, she would go away and leave us alone at Xmas. No such luck.

Does it matter? Poor woman please just let her be. Some local folk I said HNY to whilst out walking the dog but others I didnt does this make me odd?

Oh my goodness this is so sad but I know exactly how she feels. My DH died 5 months ago I am devastated and struggling with my grief. Christmas was so hard to keep a smile on my face and to be cheerful when playing with my granddaughter, but I did as not too spoil Christmas for others. But I have hated it when people have wished me Happy New Year, how can I be happy anytime soon. As Maws said the words sound very hollow and I struggled to respond but I definitely don’t wish other people unhappiness. I have been hoping people would understand.

Why do you all keep bullying this poor neighbour? She’s told you how she feels but you still persist in making her uncomfortable.
Show her some compassion for heaven’s sake please this coming year and respect her wishes.

This poor lady. My sympathies are entirely with her. She must be devastated and finds Christmas and New Year so difficult. Really, why keep saying Happy New Year to her anyway when it’s obvious she’s struggling poor woman. A bit of sympathy wouldn’t go amiss.

Especially with regard to something so harmless.

Why should everyone conform to the usual?

Nowt wrong with a bit of weird. Other people can cope with that.

I think it’s a bit weird to add her late husband’s name to any cards she sends though.

My sisters the same doesn’t like Christmas or new year since her family moved abroad.

It seems like you're asking if she is being unreasonable for not wishing anyone a HNY.

I think YABU in assuming she doesn't want anyone else to be happy.

Allow her to grieve in her own way - and in her own time-frame.

I'd have been inclined to invite her round over the New Year interval - and ask her to share some memories of her late DH, or their time together.