Really cross with DD1

Delila, I've found that sibling rivalry/jealousy is just below the surface - in my children and in my siblings - to emerge at times of stress. If they behave as children, then treat them as children. If mine squabbled over anything - it was promptly removed, hence my suggestion to sell the car.

Surely adult offspring should be mature enough to appreciate that they can’t expect to be treated equally in all circumstances. They will have different needs at different times and all parents can do is give the best help they can when it is needed.

Sibling rivalry is a thing of childhood. Carried on into adulthood, and used to make impossible demands, it becomes a form of tyranny.

I don’t see why AC should be treated the same, surely different adults have different needs.

I'd agree with sibling rivalry and jealousy causing the 'both barrels' tantrum.

I'm always very wary of lending or borrowing anything - unless there's a dire emergency - and I'd worry about being the owner or registered keeper of a car driven by a youngster. Why not sell the car and the problem's solved. If they both want it, say no and sell elsewhere.

Equal is not necessarily same!

glammagran

Norah

mumofmadboys

Norah - why such a goading post?!

Well, I don't think I "goaded"....

Equal is always always best, in my opinion.

I’m not sure in which way you think I’m treating the older 2 children of 48 and 45 unequally. I merely said I think getting children to school took precedence over a 17 year old learning to drive. That was sorted last month. It was lending it out to in-laws we weren’t happy with.

I responded to what I read in your OP. The in-laws were not part to the OP.

To me, equal is always best. It seemed you were giving priority to your son. Son had the car, seemed to me, quite some time (2 years).

We attempt equal to our children - thus my asking if you considered that aspect. Not the in-laws as a red herring.

No matter, all are different parents.

Norah

mumofmadboys

Norah - why such a goading post?!

Well, I don't think I "goaded"....

Equal is always always best, in my opinion.

I’m not sure in which way you think I’m treating the older 2 children of 48 and 45 unequally. I merely said I think getting children to school took precedence over a 17 year old learning to drive. That was sorted last month. It was lending it out to in-laws we weren’t happy with.

It sounds like everyone is happy now

Not always possible for a variety of reasons. One could be very very well off, and another one seriously need help, for whatever reason.

So glammagran, everyone happy now?

mumofmadboys

Norah - why such a goading post?!

Well, I don't think I "goaded"....

Equal is always always best, in my opinion.

We saw both DD1 and DS on Mother’s Day. No problems at all. We have lent our small car out to DGD1 to learn to drive in and it was this car DD1 requested for her inlaws. DH said no as we didn’t want it disappearing to the other end of the country. It already has quite high mileage - DD2 used it at uni and then for a couple of years afterwards. DD1 may consider buying it as DGD loves it.

Can you clarify...I'm confused.

Your original small car is now possessed by granddaughter.
Son purchased a new small car.

Your daughter wanted to borrow your son's new car for her in-laws? That seems bizarre.

Norah - why such a goading post?!

Your GD would be much safer in the 4x4, not to mention whoever is teaching her to drive.. especially if a 4x4 is needed wherever they live.. It also sounds like sibling rivalry re your DD

Have you considered treating your 2 AC equally?

Update. The car duly went to DD1/DGD1. It took a few weeks for DS to find a replacement but have now got a small 2nd car.

DD1’s in-laws drove down from the North East last week to visit them and their expensive top-of-the-range 4 year old car suffered an engine seizure on the motorway (he possibly hadn’t checked the oil) where it was towed away. She phoned us to ask if they could borrow the small car so they could get home. DH said no so they hired a car. 🤬

Your son is very kind to relinquish the car. You allowed him to have it to ease them over a difficult patch. We can't always treat our AC equally, we help as and when necessary. Don't think your DD should be angry , she really has no right to come at you " all guns blazing" !!!

So really this vehicle is yours pretty much in name only.
Why your daughter thinks they need three cars is a mystery.

I'd suggest they wait till your son is sorted and then, if you don't need it, suggest they buy it and deal with tax, maintenance etc themselves.
I wouldn't really want to be responsible for insuring a car for a grandchild to be honest.

Good luck.

Should also have said it is DS who has taxed, serviced and insured vehicle, not us.

whoever is driving the vehicle on more than an occasional basis, esp a learner, you must ensure that you are not the registered keeper and subject to liabilitlies.

Chapeau, made me smile- I learnt to drive in 2 very different cars, a 2CV and a TR4 yes, excellent practice.

As Summerlove mentioned, learning to drive in a 4x4 would be a good thing. Your DG1 would gain valuable experience by taking lessons in a variety of vehicles.

Is the car insured for DD1 and grandson to drive!?!

I think there is an element of jealousy here from DD1. I was a very young mother to my first 2 children being 19 and 22 when I had them. I worked full time and could not afford the things that DD2 had, born 20 years after DD1 (2nd marriage). She was privately educated and the car in question was purchased by me selling my car so she could have one to learn to drive in. DH hardly ever used his company car as he was on business expenses for all travel so we didn’t need 2. The little car has very high mileage after 10 years (DD2) and can’t be worth very much I wouldn’t have thought. I’ve always tried to be fair to all the children.

I do think the treatment of the adult children sounds unequal. It probably isn't so much what is given as that the actions usually favour one. It was the case with my mum.