Gransnet forums


Really cross with DD1

(46 Posts)
glammagran Wed 04-Jan-23 23:52:37

My DS and his family returned to the U.K. on 30th December 2020 mainly because of Brexit (U.K. bank accounts would be fore-closed to ex-pats on 1st January 2021). They were forced to live for several months in an Airbnb as they had tenants living in their house who did not vacate until May 2021 - a huge expense for them. As the country was in lockdown at the time they only had one car meaning my DIL was unable to take her kids to 2 different schools once they reopened. They are very rural. We had a small car which was just sitting on our drive (really no need for us to have 2 cars) so we gave them the use of that which they still have, servicing, taxing and insuring.

A couple of months ago DD1 asked us if she could have the car as DGD1 was about to turn 17 and wanted it to learn to drive in. I said she needed to discuss it with DS. He said it was ok but he’d need to find and pay for another vehicle. Today DD1 demanded the use of the car this weekend even though DS hasn’t found another vehicle yet. She then came at us with both barrels saying we had promised her the use of the car as soon as DGD1 was 17. We absolutely did no such thing but to keep the peace DS will relinquish the car this weekend.

My view is that the needs of the family overide the wants of a (very spoilt) 17 year old who has always got everything she has wanted. I am fuming with DD1, always the most prickly of my children.

Ro60 Thu 05-Jan-23 01:21:52

I would say you're right.
If she wants a car, she could get a p/t job & warm it.
Howerver, the insurance alone or likely to be prohibitive.

Grams2five Thu 05-Jan-23 05:55:49

I’d be upset too and I’d be sure to let ds know I in no way promised the car and he can keep using it as he needs. After all he’s the one who’s been insuring it etc I’d also be telling dd you made no such promise and the car is in use . Dgd will need to find another way to learn to drive

M0nica Thu 05-Jan-23 06:25:17

I wouldn't be upset. I would just tell her firmly that that is not what was agreed and, as Grams2five says, your DGD will have to find some other way of learning to drive.

If your DD chooses to spoil her daughter, that is one thing. You do not have to indulge your DGD just because your daughter does.

I assume your DD or DGD will be paying the car insurance. Car insurance for new young learner drivers is very expensive.

Sooner or later your DGD is going to have to learn that it is a cold hard world out there, where her every wish will not be granted and she has to earn the money to pay for her pleasures. That lesson is more easliy learnt, if the learning starts at home.

eazybee Thu 05-Jan-23 07:36:39

I think both your adult children need to fund their own life styles and provide their own means of transport.
I managed in a small rural area, on my own with a full time job, with one car and two children at different schools.

SpringyChicken Thu 05-Jan-23 07:41:01

DD1 is misremembering what you said. She’s ‘remembering’ it the way she wanted it to be. Stick to your guns.
Sounds like DD and DGD are similar

rosie1959 Thu 05-Jan-23 07:49:55

If I understand this correctly your son was given the car which is now in effect his as he taxes and insures it and I am presuming it is still used by your DIL to get the children to school.
Your granddaughter wants to learn to drive she cannot use the car as she does not have a full licence so why does she need it ? Why can she not having driving lessons and if she needs extra experience either her parents buy her an old car or give her experience in their own vehicle.
It would have been easier just to tell your daughter no sorry car is in full use by your son.

Allsorts Thu 05-Jan-23 07:53:41

If you want gd to have the car, as a gift I presume, say when her uncle is sorted she can have it then. This raises the question are you going to give all your gc cars at 17? It's not their automatic right. She could do what mine have all have work to get to own, they will if they want it enough. I would never gift one that I couldn't do for the others. Also wouldn't like to be told I had promised something I hadn't , still have my mind and don't want to be told otherwise. Your son really needs to sort things out regarding his transport issues which it sounds as if he is doing. it sounds like your d thinks he's getting more than her.

Goodbyetoallthat Thu 05-Jan-23 08:03:13

As you are the owner of the car surely you can just explain to your DD that is not what was agreed?
I think you have rather “muddied the waters” by suggesting that DD & DS sort it out between themselves.

GagaJo Thu 05-Jan-23 10:07:26

I think getting to work and school trumps a driving lesson. I suggest she just uses it at the moment for the actual lesson/practises.

But I also think your DD1 feels you're more supportive of your son and is jealous. Maybe you need to redress the balance a little?

25Avalon Thu 05-Jan-23 10:15:45

Why not sell the car to DS - it’s virtually his anyway. Then tell DD1 it isn’t your car, DS bought it and she will need to talk to him.

silverlining48 Thu 05-Jan-23 10:37:32

I don’t understand why your gd needs her own car before starting to learn to drive.
Your dd must have a car that her daughter can use while learning and if she has lessons with a driving school they provide the car .

silverlining48 Thu 05-Jan-23 10:44:31

I agree that your son should buy the car which removes you from the situation.

pandapatch Thu 05-Jan-23 11:16:05

Does DD1 have a car? If so why can't granddaughter learn to drive in that?

glammagran Thu 05-Jan-23 13:46:53

Thanks for your replies.

To clarify, DD1 and DS live about 45 minutes drive from each other. DS and DiL need 2 cars as DS has to do some U.K. travel with his job. I’m not entirely sure why this car is so needed by DGD1 as she has lessons booked so I don’t know if she is intending to have lessons in it. We have tended to do this in the family. I had 6 driving lessons (I took my test in a cortina estate) and DD2 did a similar thing being taught by DH. Neither of DD1’s family cars are remotely suitable to learn to drive in as one is a sports car and the other a large 4x4. We meanwhile have 1 11year old vehicle at home. At the time we said talk to DS as we were under the impression they just wanted to borrow it at weekends for practice.

Summerlove Thu 05-Jan-23 13:59:10

Why not just say no to your daughter?

Also, learning in a 4x4 is not a bad thing at all

BlueberryPie Thu 05-Jan-23 14:01:52

I would tell DD1 no for the way she spoke to you alone. You don't owe her anything and she shouldn't benefit from trying to bully her mother.

Smudgie Thu 05-Jan-23 15:05:37

Looking at this from the outside I conclude that there is jealousy at play here plus you are being bullied by your daughter. If you don't stand up for yourself over this issue then another one is bound to come along. Be strong.

silverlining48 Thu 05-Jan-23 16:38:06

If your daughter has a large 4x4 and a spOrts car maybe they can afford to buy a small second hand car fir their daughter if they think she actually needs one.
Your son has had use of your car for a couple of years so really ought to either buy it from you or return it to you when you can then decide what to do. If driving lessons are booked the car comes with it. Problem sorted.

VioletSky Thu 05-Jan-23 16:52:30

It's not always possible to be fair to our adult children in terms of what we give them but I think you need to have a conversation with your daughter here and find out if she feels that you have done more for your son.

Make sure that these demands aren't coming from a place where she feels that your son has been favouritised over her and that's why she is coming across so strongly about it.

If she does feel that way then you will need to address the issue and be understanding for why those feelings have come up.

Katie59 Thu 05-Jan-23 17:32:12

I wouldn’t fall out over it, the value of the car is probably going to be the smallest cost learning to drive for a 17 yr old.
I would be very careful in future of DDs taking advantage of our good nature.

GagaJo Thu 05-Jan-23 17:49:06

I do think the treatment of the adult children sounds unequal. It probably isn't so much what is given as that the actions usually favour one. It was the case with my mum.

glammagran Thu 05-Jan-23 17:50:03

I think there is an element of jealousy here from DD1. I was a very young mother to my first 2 children being 19 and 22 when I had them. I worked full time and could not afford the things that DD2 had, born 20 years after DD1 (2nd marriage). She was privately educated and the car in question was purchased by me selling my car so she could have one to learn to drive in. DH hardly ever used his company car as he was on business expenses for all travel so we didn’t need 2. The little car has very high mileage after 10 years (DD2) and can’t be worth very much I wouldn’t have thought. I’ve always tried to be fair to all the children.

Fleurpepper Thu 05-Jan-23 18:03:36

Is the car insured for DD1 and grandson to drive!?!

Chapeau Thu 05-Jan-23 18:08:24

As Summerlove mentioned, learning to drive in a 4x4 would be a good thing. Your DG1 would gain valuable experience by taking lessons in a variety of vehicles.