Being invited to an acquaintance’s house for a meal

I can see both sides of this. Recently widowed with no local friends I know how very difficult it is to reach out to anybody. At the same time I've let myself be 'adopted' by 2 do gooders who seem to feel it's their duty to invite me for coffee etc. Although initially grateful, neither of these women are people I would normally choose to spend time with but being at a very low point I let myself be sucked into events and now find it difficult to extricate myself.

Luckygirl3

Have a heart! Is it such a terrible chore? I am widowed and live alone ... believe me it is hard to know how best to reach out to people when faced with this new unchosen life. Singletons are at such a disadvantage ... left out of dinner party invitations so as not to disturb the even numbers, faced with huge holiday supplements, navigating their way through a coupled world.
Do not be "annoyed with her for asking" ... she has done nothing wrong, except pick the wrong person to ask. I think you are being harsh.
People on their own are always being advised to take the initiative and reach out to others. I feel for this poor woman.

You said what I was thinking Luckgirl3
Lovely invite to a home cooked meal
Go and enjoy you might be plesently surprised

I don't like being put on the spot at all. You have been but don't be angry it can happen to anyone.
However I think if someone gives an invite they may be desperate for a bit of company and be very lonely.
Go by all means but make sure if you don't want an invite every week you tell this lady how busy you are. If she does push to meet again make casual arrangements to meet for coffee in town etc. That way you are not having to entertain in your house or go to her house and stay longer than you want.

I think it must have taken your former colleague a lot of courage to reach out and invite you for coffee and then subsequently for a meal. She is probably feeling lonely, and looking for opportunities to be less so.
Go along to the meal, but then, as OP’s suggest, if you find you haven’t enjoyed it very much, be non committal about a future meet up should she suggest one (there’s lots of suggestions posted so far), but you never know, you might find that you enjoy her company, and would like an occasional get together.

Galaxy

I am not sure its kindness to go somewhere out of pity or obligation though.

There is a difference between pity and simply understanding a fellow human being's situation and reacting with kindness.

As Maw has said, the balance between coming across as needy and reaching out to others is a fine one, and until you are in that situation it is hard to understand how difficult.

As others have said give it a try it may lead to a new friendship or just fizzle out. As you only knew her vaguely some years ago it may be possible that you have more in common than you think.

I am not sure its kindness to go somewhere out of pity or obligation though.

If I came across as a little sharp in my previous post, I apologise. I agree with what Maw has said, but would it not be kinder to have refused the initial invitation if you were sure you had nothing in common, rather than getting yourself entangled with this lady’s hopes of promoting a valuable future friendship? If it were me, I would rather someone be honest from the outset - it would have been easier to get over.

I’d be kind and go, it must be awful to be lonely. Whether I had much in common with the lady or not I’d want to go to give her a bit of company but that’s me. I don’t suppose everyone thinks like I do.

I’ve no desire to be unkind to the OP but I can’t understand why this is a problem. I’d be very happy to receive such an invitation. It could be the start of a really good friendship. If not then take the advice others have given about suggesting activities and explaining how busy you are. There but for the grace of God!

Is it lunch? Supper? A dinner party?
Like Luckygirl and no doubt many here, since being widowed I have found it hard sometimes to “reach out” and risk rejection. When you are alone/lonely you can feel more sensitive and it is harder to bounce back.
There is a fear of appearing needy and it is hard not to feel rejected, even if there is a perfectly valid reason for being turned down.
You have two options
1) think up an excuse (positive covid test? Bad cough? A domestic crisis?) but be prepared to feel bad about it
2) grit your teeth and go. Who knows you may enjoy it, bring her some pleasure and what is a couple of hours out of your “time poor” (lucky you) life.
Of course you could have obscure dietary needs, so maybe meeting for coffee might be better (see below)
In future you need a better strategy - if unsure about an invitation, “that sounds lovely, thank you, but I do not have my diary with , I need to check the calendar when I get home, etc etc maybe looking at next month? “ and hope your vagueness lets you off the hook. Or use the dietary excuse to dial it down to a coffee out somewhere.
You say you felt it would be unkind to decline as she is lonely.
#doasyouwouldbedoneby

It's not easy to make new friends when older, and she has shown some courage in contacting you. Why not give her a chance and then if you don't feel that you want to reciprocate after spending an evening with her... let her down very kindly ,,.but she might be more interesting in her own home..

Luckygirl3

Putting the other side of the story is not passive aggressive ...
It is expressing a different view. Nothing wrong with that.
We are all faced with unwanted invitations at times and it is not hard to deal with this with grace and humanity. It will probably create a minor temporary inconvenience ... that is all. Life is full.of them, some large some small. Short of repairing to a desert island, we all face these minor decisions.
Kindness is the key.

Yes, I agree with this. At the moment I am in a similar situation with a lady at one of my groups who offers me lifts and wants to teach me a certain craft. Unfortunately, she is very negative and dismissive which I have identified after a short conversation with her. Armed with kind responses I say that I must run some errands before I get the bus and that I am very busy with my current craft and I thank her for thinking of me. I know that if I took her up on her 'kind' offers within weeks she would drive me nuts and I would continue to see her at my group and be trying to avoid her. I have made a point of not sitting near her at the group and last week she was in full conversation with someone else, so no harm done.

You say you know her from years ago……go with your gut now!
If alarm bells are ringing that you don’t want to get involved then don’t.
Contact her and say you can’t actually make that evening, arrange another coffee date for a later date. Practice being able to say no. But I’d say be kind and have another coffee date.

Putting the other side of the story is not passive aggressive ...
It is expressing a different view. Nothing wrong with that.
We are all faced with unwanted invitations at times and it is not hard to deal with this with grace and humanity. It will probably create a minor temporary inconvenience ... that is all. Life is full.of them, some large some small. Short of repairing to a desert island, we all face these minor decisions.
Kindness is the key.

My advice would be similar to what others have already suggested, now you have agreed to her invitation go along and see how it goes but be cautious as in trying to be kind we can end up stuck in a difficult situation.

I have been in a similar predicament recently, on a whim I agreed to go to the cinema with an acquaintance (haven’t known her long). I picked her up, drove her there etc, she then wanted to go for a coffee before the film which was fine but after the film she was pushing to call at a pub for a meal which I hadn’t planned on doing but stupidly agreed to. Finally on the way back home she was reeling off a list of things SHE wanted to do and I got the distinct impression she was expecting me to pick her up and take her. Alarm bells were ringing and I began to wish I’d never agreed to go out with her. At the same time I felt sorry for her as she has no close family and not many friends. I have since found out she has done the same with other people and has become so demanding & manipulative that people, although initially wanting to be friendly & kind just can’t cope with it.
Go along with an open mind & try to enjoy the evening but be careful, go with your gut instincts & if you feel you don’t want to develop the friendship just leave things open ended. As Sammz21 says be kind to yourself.

Please don't be dismissive of Mrsemmapeel10 who clearly doesn't want to be unkind.

Some responses are nudging towards passive aggression!

I've seen on other threads telephone help/chat lines for us older people - it might be good to go with details, you could always say "oh someone was talking about ringing this line and they were very nice".

My way round isolation is that I'm lucky enough to have belonged to a friendly gym for years. I'm not recommending that for everyone but its does seem to me that most people need to "Belong" somewhere in a group and I agree with others there might be something of that kind right for her.

What a nuisance for you! It must have take her a hell of a lot of courage to make that first move and reach out to you after such a long time. I know exactly how that feels at the moment. If you are going to let her down, please do it kindly.

I think you shouldn't berate yourself for accepting as you were caught on the back foot and you feel sorry for her - but if you find you don't want to do it again please don't lead her on with non committal answers such as "I'm not sure what I've got on then". You know she will only call you tomorrow once you have "checked your diary".

Obviously don’t tell her she's boring but do say you are extremely busy and committed as it is. Maybe offer her another coffee morning - or something less onerous that you will still enjoy even if she tags along (book club, craft meet-up, theatre or whatever). As someone earlier said, best if there are others she can chat to.

Check out where the nearest U3A is based (do this ahead of time) and then you can say "have you considered the U3A?" - she may know nothing of this. You could find out over dinner what sort of thing she would like to spend time doing and find out where she can do it?

It's possible she's not good on the internet and with some help will be more involved elsewhere. Tell her about other groups you know of - there is a bowls group in our local park for example. If you can spare an hour and you think she is interested in something but too scared to go alone (and you could bear it) you could even say "if you'd like to try x I can probably find an hour to go with you the first time". If you do this make sure your only mission is to make her comfortable there.

I have done this with lonely people in the past. I called the organiser to "find out more about the group" and made a point of telling them that I am calling for a friend/someone else who "wants to come but may find it hard to walk into an existing group". Most people warm to this and make a point of being extra welcoming - sometimes they will find someone in the group to sit them next to as a sort-of informal buddy.

Don't give yourself a problem by keeping something going on a one-to-one get together if it's as dull as you fear though.

I hope it's not as bad as you think.
Unfortunately we are always going to find some people dull. I make time to see one fairly dull old friend a couple of times a year - and mostly it's not as dull as I expect as we meet at a gallery and then go on for a coffee or lunch somewhere- but I would not start up a new dull friendship!

Good luck.

I can understand how you feel actually and don't think you are bad to feel what you do. Just human.

But now you've said yes I agree you need to go along with it: and use your skills, kind but firm, if it works out so you know this absolutely isn't for you.

Ravenscroft has a good point - if you are an introvert who really don't do this sort of thing easily (I'm one of them but also dont like to say "no" )

then 'fess up, in fact it may be the kindest way of letting her down if it really doesn't work out. If she is in a really bad state I might try to compromise with coffees now and then but very spread out.

I would listen to my gut feeling. Can you see a long term friendship developing? How easy going are you and are you a sociable person who doesn't mind chatting? I admire people I know who can just socialise at the drop of a hat. If you are an introvert and have a certain lifestyle and really get the gut feeling you have absolutely nothing in common with this lady, then I would nip it in the bud now and perhaps say you are sorry you can't make it before she plans a menu and starts to build up her hopes. Far more kind to be vague and non comital than to have to reject someone further down the line. A lady I know who kept trying to get pin me down for tea and cake has now stopped because I said a couple of times I could not make it as I made sure I was busy on her free diary slot. She leaves me alone now with no hard feelings and just thinks I am a vague boring person. Go by your instincts.

Wy do people so often accuse themselves of being 'bad people' over the most trivial marginal error of judgment , like the OP.

Most people make minor misjudgments of some kind or another almost daily. It is called being human and normal.

A friend met her husband, when he, as what she thought was a dull work colleague, asked her out for a meal and she couldn't think of an excuse to refuse. She discovered how undull he was.

You may find this lady, when you know her now will be good company. You may bring some happiness and joy to what may be a sad life, you may be bored stiff, who knows.

But a bad person? get over it.

Luckygirl3

Have a heart! Is it such a terrible chore? I am widowed and live alone ... believe me it is hard to know how best to reach out to people when faced with this new unchosen life. Singletons are at such a disadvantage ... left out of dinner party invitations so as not to disturb the even numbers, faced with huge holiday supplements, navigating their way through a coupled world.
Do not be "annoyed with her for asking" ... she has done nothing wrong, except pick the wrong person to ask. I think you are being harsh.
People on their own are always being advised to take the initiative and reach out to others. I feel for this poor woman.

Well said Luckygirl3

Just be kind and go. You never know, you might enjoy it!