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Feeling jealous it’s pathetic

(24 Posts)
Passthechocolates Sat 25-Mar-23 19:27:42

I feel stupid even writing this but I feel I’m jealous of my friend. We have been friends for 30 years she moved recently with her husband into a complex. She has made loads of new friends and activities and I feel shut out. I’ve stood by my friend through many things, she’s never been one for joining in anything and now she’s the life and soul of the party. I really don’t want to feel like this but it’s really annoying me.

VioletSky Sat 25-Mar-23 19:39:13

Ah, this is difficult for you, of course you must miss the closeness you had previously

All you can do is work through your feelings, that takes time.

I'm sure you are still special to her as a long time close friend, she is just distracted now. These transitions happen to many of us, changing jobs or working hours or moving home. Be patient and try to be happy for her

maryrose54 Sat 25-Mar-23 19:39:39

I totally understand how you feel, it seems as if she no longer needs you. Your friend wants to be accepted in her new home and will want to join in with activities. It doesn't mean that she no longer needs you in her life. Maybe this is a chance for you to branch out and look for opportunities to widen your circle of friends too.

Harris27 Sat 25-Mar-23 19:40:39

Aw bless you I think it’s a feeling of loss that you’re feeling. I recently have gone through this a bit with my sister always considered her and made sure I checked up on her and made time for her even though I’ve got quite a busy life. Recently she’s found new friends and hasn’t got time for me so I know how you are feeling.

Doodledog Sat 25-Mar-23 19:51:29

There is no need to feel stupid - we can't help our feelings, and you feel what you feel. It's good that you can recognise that your hurt is caused by jealousy.

Are you able to join in with some of the activities, or are they just for residents of the complex? Would it be possible to discuss your feelings with your friend? You could just say that whilst you are pleased to see her happy you feel a bit left out, and would like to spend a bit more time with her. Sometimes relationships are built on one being the supporter and the other the more needy one, and when this changes it can be difficult - a bit like some people don't cope well when their children grow into lives without them. It's not wrong to feel as you do, but it would be better for your happiness if you can do something about it. Good luck😀

Passthechocolates Sat 25-Mar-23 19:51:33

Thank you ladies, I just feel I’m being pathetic acting as if I’m six not sixty

pascal30 Sat 25-Mar-23 19:52:31

this is surely why they moved into the complex.. but the initial enthusiasm and new friends needn't exclude you. Can you ask to be invited to some of the activities?

NanaDana Sat 25-Mar-23 19:53:15

Perhaps what you're feeling is less about jealousy and more about missing your friend. She will be wanting to be accepted in her new home, so all her focus will naturally be on that right now. Give her time to settle in, and you may get an opportunity to re-establish contact, and who knows, perhaps even make some new friends yourself.

LRavenscroft Sun 26-Mar-23 08:44:35

Can you join in with any of the activities? For example, are they open to guests or the public with say yoga or dancing or craft? Perhaps you could suggest to your friend that you meet at an activity say once a fortnight or however often you used to meet. From personal experience I had a friend who dumped me because I was enjoying the company and helping out with a craft group for very elderly ladies. She hated me talking about it and became quite spikey. The relationship would have happily survived if we had arranged to meet once a fortnight or so for tea and cake at a nice tea room and she had been so dismissive. In no way am I saying that the OP is like this, but perhaps the same concept can be applied and just keep the friendship up with offers of occasional activities, remembering Christmas and birthday and being interested in her activities but also making sure you tell her of yours. Life can be a pain at times but do consider yourself too. You are also important.

Esmay Sun 26-Mar-23 09:45:47

The grass is always greener ...

Don't feel guilty about it .

Just be glad that your friend is having a great time !

Some friends are inconsiderate and thoughtless .

There are times when I get fed up with my ever complaining friends :
Their husbands didn't choose the right restaurant .
It's boring having another Turkish dinner even if it is the best local restaurant as they didn't want to go into London as it makes them tired .

They had to watch football though there is another TV , but it's too small .

Their husbands didn't mow the lawn , clean out the gutters , finish the skirting boards or buy them the right present .
Imagine Esmay just getting a gift certificate .
As their other halves have never selected the right present -who can blame them ?

Going on holiday with them is a complete drag .
It's annoying to get a cat or dog sitter and get up early to go to the airport .
Their husbands bored them on holiday , because they wanted to look at a castle or museum and they would have preferred a shopping centre with a female friend .

And either their husbands want sex which annoys them as they have to change the sheets the next day or they don't want sex , which annoys them as well !

I listen with a smile on my face .

Carenza123 Sun 26-Mar-23 13:02:02

Oh Esmay! You DID make me smile! I sometimes think we all get tied up in the smaller details in life and lose sight of how fortunate we all are - fortunate to have partners that actually care about you and your needs. This seems to be an age related thing. I think it makes me strive to NOT be so picky about things and makes me count my blessings.

seadragon Sun 26-Mar-23 14:14:22

I have several friends near me whom I've known over 40 years. We were young parents together and have supported each other through various challenges. I also have a number of colleagues from when I returned to this area in 2005, with whom I have kept in touch as well. I like to see each group altogether whenever I can and individually as well....but not on a regular basis, although I have received invites to do so in the past. However I am always the one who initiates meetings but I find I have lost a huge amount of social confidence during the pandemic. Everyone in our family, like so many others, have faced major illness and challenges of one kind or another, including Covid. I hesitate to stop for a chat as I cannot seem to prevent myself from saying far too much about it all, one family episode even made local headline news..... It is now well over a year since our last gathering in February 2022, largely as DH has been ill since April with Covid and then we both contracted a very nasty constant coughing virus. No-one has been in touch to see if we are OK apart from the very occasional encounter in town with one or two, here and there, although I have enquired about and visited a couple of them. I experimented with 'delegating' the task of organising a gathering of former colleagues 6 months ago but a date set has been postponed, it seems indefinitely. We are traveling South for a family gathering next month for the first time since our disastrous Golden Wedding 'celebration in 2021 when 2 four party caught food poisoning. If all goes well I am hoping to have recovered my 'Mojo' and to sort out some small get-togethers locally. We all have our tales to tell about the last 3 years - in our case our series of challenges started 7 years ago. I intend to make sure my friends and colleagues learn how much their friendship has meant to me over the many years and then leave it up to them what happens next. I have no expectations. My priority now, is DH but I have also arranged to see an osteopath who specialises in female health and adopts an holistic approach to painful joints etc.....

Soozikinzi Sun 26-Mar-23 14:29:09

I think them fact the you have recognise your own feelings of jealousy shows that you are naturaly a caring person and genuinely trying to feel happy for your friend . As PP has said are there some activities that you can join as well and get the benefit of the wider group of friends? We all get times when we feel left out in our lives so don't be too hard on yourself .

icanhandthemback Mon 27-Mar-23 12:06:42

Give her time. She is probably loving it at the moment but she will probably ease off and be in touch when she has settled in.

Give yourself time to get used to the new status quo too. May be find some new activities that you can build new friendships. Full blown jealousy is not an attractive trait but you sound you are experiencing the natural feelings that occur when the dynamics change between friends. Be kind to yourself. You are allowed to feel this as long as you aren't hurtful to anybody else.

Cossy Mon 27-Mar-23 12:29:30

Bless you - it’s hard and you cannot help how you feel.

If you truly care for her try and be happy for her and remember all the things she’s given up to move to a complex.

You’re not at all pathetic

ParlorGames Mon 27-Mar-23 12:42:37

Watch and wait.....your friend is new to the complex and those already living there have found a new outlet for their own purposes. Give it time, there's every chance that those new 'friendships' will dissolve and your friend won't be the life and soul of the party very long.

Quaver22 Mon 27-Mar-23 13:20:36

It is understandable that you feel sad at being left out of your friend’s new life. As others have said she is probably trying to settle in to her new home.
In my experience it is good to have a number of friends to rely on. I am in my early 70s and not in a relationship so I rely on friendships for my social life. I have made new friends in the last year and value them just as much as friends I have had for years.

Quokka Mon 27-Mar-23 13:40:36

It’s all very well having company on hand but lure her out somewhere nice. Look around your area and see what might appeal?

Twig14 Mon 27-Mar-23 14:06:21

I feel very sorry for you. However, moving into a new complex she’s obviously trying to get along with others. Things change but wait till something concerns her n she will be wanting to chat with you. Just keep on texting or calling her I’m sure it’s all the excitement and when things settle down you will get together again. Hope so

EmilyHarburn Mon 27-Mar-23 14:44:45

Once she has settled down in the new complex she wil be very pleased to have your friendship. Complexes are difficult places to live in, everyone knows everyone else's business. Make a negative comment to someone and they are hurt or it is repeated to someone who is hurt, pass some information on unwisely and somone else is hurt. She will be very glad she can talk to you and know that nothing will go back to her friends in the complex.

My friend told the warden, she did not like the pictures on the wall. They had been chosen by the residents most of whom where still there. The warden passed this remark on, such a storm erupted that she nearly left!!

Gundy Tue 28-Mar-23 12:39:55

I’m sorry you are feeling left out- it’s hard to understand and does activate feelings of being left out, left behind. Let’s not call it jealousy as that can be so emotionally destructive. Don’t go there - try to rid yourself of that.

Your friend is currently filling some void she experienced in the past. When she’s had her fill she’ll wake up to realize what has been left in the wake: 1) She may come back to your enduring friendship 2) She may start to include you 3) She may not come back in the same capacity - then you’ll know her shallowness.

Not the end of the world. One way or another you’ll make new friendships as you keep moving on.

This too shall pass. You’ll be fine.
USA Gundy

onedayatatime Tue 28-Mar-23 16:02:09

Elizabeth Day has written 'FRIENDAHOLIC' released on March 30th.She was on LORRAINE, today,March 28th explaining how important it is to reevaluate our friendships and nurture the friendships that are most important to you. She is the host to 'How to Fail' podcast, in case you are interested. I think I will buy this book, perhaps when it comes out in paperback(when its cheaper)! She seems like an interesting person.

Passthechocolates Wed 29-Mar-23 10:12:17

Thank you so much ladies for taking the time to answer. I have given myself a good talking to and have signed up for some local activities to do myself .
I think I just felt a bit overwhelmed that particular day, I have seen my friend since and we had a lovely time.
I’m sure all will be well.

icanhandthemback Wed 29-Mar-23 16:51:39

That is good, Passthechocolates. Love the name!