How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

I agree with you Sara.

Smileless2012

But is there any excuse for rudeness Sara? The OP's GD accepted the gift of money from her GM yet had to be told by mum to acknowledge it, and only managed a one 'word' text of thanx.

I think if the parents have always insisted on thank you letters, even if teens don't write they would probably make a phone call, send a text message or WhatsApp message.

I don't choose anything for them now, either buy something as advised by their parents or give money they can spend.

Wish there was a like button sometimes

owe

Agent007, I think this is a clear case where you should be honest about your feelings of disappointment that your carefully chosen present was unacceptable.

I don't believe you are angry, you just think perhaps you should stand on your dignity and be angry. But this is your grandchild and you awe it to her and to yourself to tell her the truth which is that you are sad and disappointed. This is an opportunity to make the relationship better.

Smileless
Yes I agree, absolutely no excuse, but I just feel we are missing something

OP definitely needs to look into this situation further and have a chat to their relatives about it all, it would be a shame of the relationship was harmed long term by such a relatively small thing

But is there any excuse for rudeness Sara? The OP's GD accepted the gift of money from her GM yet had to be told by mum to acknowledge it, and only managed a one 'word' text of thanx.

I still feel we don’t know enough about the situation, we don’t know the back story, and we don’t know what the relationship is like on the other 364 days of the year.
It’s sounds like this teen has behaved rudely, but I don’t think we have enough information.

imaround

My fault, I really didn't word it very well in the first place

VS thanks for further clarifying. I was misunderstanding your POV. Now I get it and agree.

The parents really need to be handling this rude behavior (or never allowed it in the first place)

I just can't help it, I'm an extremely gentle parent

I don't shout, I explain

I don't remove privileges, I have criteria for earning them

Consequences must be immediate and must be given in such a way that they are considered by the one given them, a time out is a time to calm down and think

I don't react to a behaviour, I look to understand it, children and teens often go through stressful times

I want my children to be good and polite people as most do but I don't hold them to perfection

Nannageorge

Expressing your disappointment and asking for a gift to be changed is fine Paddyann but it depends entirely on how that's done. Being bad mannered or rude about it will draw its own consequences which may well be no more gifts.

Yes, a reasonable result is no gifts.

Much like 'baby rabies' - wait!

Results are better if mum is not pushed beyond her limits.

Exactly Nannageorge, often it's not what said that's the issue but the way it's said. It's simple enough to ask the giver if they would mind exchanging the gift for something else, just as it's simple enough to acknowledge receipt of a gift especially as a teenager, without having to be prompted to do so by mum.

Nannageorge

I don't think that the OP is holding a grudge for over a year though VS. From what I understood in her post, she's been experiencing rudeness from her GC on more than this occasion and their behaviour hasn't improved. You know yourself that when you were particularly rude towards other posters, you were quite rightly called out on it. There's never any need or justification for rudeness, in children or adults.

I wasn't responding to OP I was having a chat with others on this thread and explaining that the idea to withhold a gift in future means ŵitholding a gift an entire year later.

Consequences a year later is not helpful. Especially if its consequences the grandchild does not know they are getting. Teens can change a great deal in a year, the only message sent would be that grandma ignored their birthday.

If there are consequences they should be immediate and explained. However grandparents cannot discipline a teen. So either they talk to the parents or they communicate to the teen and explain that their feelings were hurt and that they would like to make sure that gifts are liked and appreciated in future.

I was also not being rude I was trying to disengage from an argument. I'll just ignore in future

Expressing your disappointment and asking for a gift to be changed is fine Paddyann but it depends entirely on how that's done. Being bad mannered or rude about it will draw its own consequences which may well be no more gifts.

I've done the nice acceptance for a gift that I knew I would never use ,recently .I just saw my friends wasting their money on something that would go in a cupboard and never see the light of day and maybe then go to the charity shop .

Surely we've long past an era where we have to feign gratitude for theings we dont want ? I'm happy my young folk can tell me if something isn't right ,its not bad manners its just common sense !

NotSpaghetti

Maybe 007 will come back soon and answer our questions - such as the mechanics of the returned gift, are there other grandchildren in this same family, could they be expecting an exchange... etc.

I think that the op is far less invested in this than we are!

The last big mistake I made was buying a hoodie for one of my granddaughters from a shop she particularly likes.
I thought she would like the colour, and a discreet logo on the front.
What I didn’t realise is that this shop specialises in a small logo one side, but on the back a massive all over slogan.
When she opened it it, she was pretty surprised I’d bought her something with such an inappropriate and suggestive slogan.
We all had a good laugh, and I sent it back.

Maybe 007 will come back soon and answer our questions - such as the mechanics of the returned gift, are there other grandchildren in this same family, could they be expecting an exchange... etc.

I don't think that the OP is holding a grudge for over a year though VS. From what I understood in her post, she's been experiencing rudeness from her GC on more than this occasion and their behaviour hasn't improved. You know yourself that when you were particularly rude towards other posters, you were quite rightly called out on it. There's never any need or justification for rudeness, in children or adults.

I’ve got my tin hat and flack jacket on.

Those children sound like a bunch of ill bred brats to my mind
( I know other excuses will become available).

imaround

@Dickens you make a good point. However what one person thinks is civilized, hand written thank you notes for a general example, another person thinks civilized is a text that says thx. Who gets to decide?

I realize that isn't what happened in the OP, I was just expanding on the topic as it has meandered.

Returning a gift so rudely is not civilized in ny eyes.

True.

I do make allowances - I don't expect hand-written letters of thanks, only an acknowledgement, in whatever form it comes.

When teens enter the adult world and the job market, they will be expected to respond to various gestures and acts. That's what I mean by "civilised" - simply acting with a degree of curtesy.

Sara1954

I have always told my grandchildren and children that they are free to exchange anything, I always keep every receipt, and would much prefer they get something they actually like.
As for Thankyou, I see a lot of them, so it’s normally said in person, but the oldest two will just message, briefly.

Me too, and they will come to me and say do you mind if I change it for xxx, with a smile and a hug - not rude or hurtful at all and a world away from the OP - perhaps she could have a conversation with them, and aim at a solution like that?

I give money to my DGC unless they ask for something specific.
My 7yr old DGC kept butting in when I was talking to my DD. I told her to close her mouth, speak when you're spoken to and when I want your opinion I'll ask for it. Result they don't interrupt me anymore. Sometimes you need firm words with children.