Gransnet forums


How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

(266 Posts)
Agent007 Wed 12-Apr-23 14:16:52

My grandkids are routinely rude with me. They said they didn't like their Xmas presents and returned them to me. So I sent my dgd money for her birthday, and asked her to acknowledge because it's not entirely secure in the post. I didn't get a reply until I asked her mother about it, who said she would phone me. Instead I got a text saying simply "thx". I can't pretend it doesn't hurt and it makes me feel very awkward. Yes, she is a teenager, but it goes beyond that.

nanna8 Wed 12-Apr-23 14:20:00

Don’t bother buying them anything because they don’t appreciate it. Save your money and have a nice meal out and treat yourself.

Norah Wed 12-Apr-23 14:20:18

If you value proper responses more than giving to give - just quit giving. You can't change others only your reaction.

BlueBelle Wed 12-Apr-23 14:22:34

Ahh that’s sad and a big shame for you it certainly doesn’t feel appreciated and to return a present is downright rude and unacceptable Does the mother know they returned them
I d perhaps just send a card and a nominal amount ( a tenner maybe) until they revert to a more pleasant and acceptable people No excuse for such rudeness

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Apr-23 14:25:19

Perhaps you should address any rudeness with them directly, at the time it happens.

When you received the "thx" text from your GD, you could have text her back saying 'sorry don't but I don't understand your message'.

You shouldn't be made to feel awkward by your GC's behaviour and being a teenager is no excuse for bad manners, rudeness and ingratitude.

If your gifts are unwanted or unappreciated, maybe the time has come to stop giving them.

Forsythia Wed 12-Apr-23 14:28:35

Maybe stop buying / giving until they ask why then explain. If they are as rude as you say then it’s down to their parenting.

VioletSky Wed 12-Apr-23 14:31:45

Why is your relationship with your grandchildren so distant?

You don't seem to know them well enough to buy gifts they would like and they don't seem interested in communicating with you

Instead of being upset that they are rude maybe make time to reach out to them and get to know them instead. Show them how you would like to be treated by treating them that way.

Otherwise these relationships are just going to become more distant with them never reaching out and you ignoring milestones

biglouis Wed 12-Apr-23 14:34:40

If I had been rude to my grandmother I would have got a good old fashioned telling off, which would have hurt me more than a slap. I would not be giving money or gifts to ungrateful kids.

VioletSky Wed 12-Apr-23 14:37:25

I'm afraid the days of a stern telling off are gone

The days of giving respect to get respect are here

Grandmabatty Wed 12-Apr-23 14:38:05

I can't imagine my daughter or son in law ever letting my grandsons return presents. Did you contact their parents to ask why the gifts had been returned and to explain you felt hurt?

MrsNemo Wed 12-Apr-23 14:41:47

I do feel sorry about the way your GC are treating you, but allowing this to go on, and still sending them gifts, is not going to help. I had a similar situation some years back and a friend said that if I ignored it I condoned it, and if I condoned it I was encouraging it. Why not approach your GC directly and say that you have bought gifts because you care about them, and they could at least have the grace to say thank you, also that returning gifts is hurtful - did they intend to be hurtful?

Rosie51 Wed 12-Apr-23 14:43:17

None of my children would ever be so rude to anyone who gave them a gift, but then we brought them up to be glad of the kindness of others in thinking of them.

Goodness, my close loving relationship with all my children may be an illusion because I often have to ask them or their partners for gift ideas.

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Apr-23 14:47:49

It would I'm sure be more helpful to respond to Agent's OP VS, rather than making assumptions that the relationship with the GC is distant, she doesn't know them well enough and the GC don't seem interested in communicating with her.

When a teenager is rude and ungrateful with a GP, why assume it's the GP's fault?

Hithere Wed 12-Apr-23 14:47:54

What N0rah and VS said

There is more to the story that may give clarity to those reactions

Is your son their father or your daughter their mother?

Telling people off may achieve the opposite reaction- mutual respect goes a long way

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Apr-23 14:51:32

^I'm afraid the days of a stern telling off are gone^; which may well be contributing to unacceptable behaviour. Sometimes giving respect doesn't always get respect.

Rosie51 Wed 12-Apr-23 14:55:57

mutual respect goes a long way where is this 'mutual respect' in returning a gift or failing to say thank you?

VioletSky Wed 12-Apr-23 14:59:09

Smileless as ever I am happy to talk to the OP not those speaking for them

Thank you

halfpint1 Wed 12-Apr-23 15:01:12

My sympathies to the OP, it does hurt.
I changed to giving store vouchers and that seems to work ,a bit, better

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Apr-23 15:03:05

No one's speaking for the OP VS, just giving their opinion on the OP and the responses made by others.

Good questions Rosie.

Elegran Wed 12-Apr-23 15:11:56


I'm afraid the days of a stern telling off are gone

The days of giving respect to get respect are here

Tell that to the grandchild who can't be bothered to thank someone for a gift - whether they like the item or not, it has taken time money and effort to get it and send it. The giver is due some recognition of that.

Blondiescot Wed 12-Apr-23 15:14:46


I'm afraid the days of a stern telling off are gone

The days of giving respect to get respect are here

Wow. Well, all I can say is that if either of my children had been so rude and ungrateful to any of their grandparents, they'd have got a hell of a lot more than 'a stern telling off'. Manners cost nothing - and shouldn't have to be 'earned'.

karmalady Wed 12-Apr-23 15:18:12

Op, stop giving to them. They obviously don`t appreciate your kindness so let them learn a life lesson. It will do them good. Don`t pussyfoot around them, be firm and just send a card

Re thanks for gifts, my sons in law never thanked me after me sending them birthday gifts, so all they get now is a card

Tenko Wed 12-Apr-23 15:27:36

Wow , I’m so shocked that your GC would return gifts because they didn’t like them . That’s so unbelievably rude and hurtful. My parents and in-laws would ask me for gift ideas when my dc were young. When they became teenagers they’d give money or store vouchers . And my dc always had to send a thank you note or a phone call .
Definitely have a word with the parents as I’m assuming one of the parents must have gone to the post office to return the gifts.

VioletSky Wed 12-Apr-23 15:27:44

I'm advising OP on what I think will help their situation

This is my genuine advice

Look at the relationship

Ask why it is distant

Think about how to achieve a mutually respectful relationship

I didn't ask for anyone's opinion on my advice but as we are doing that... here is my thoughts on any version of "stop giving those ungrateful brats anything"... that will not help OPs relationship which they clearly care about enough to need advice

Anyway, my advice is my advice, I don't care who agrees, I have good relationships with my children doing things my way

Hithere Wed 12-Apr-23 15:28:03

Is the present something they liked?

Is it something they showed no interest in but OP valued?

Presents can also be used as weapons