How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

maddyone

I don’t know about grandchildren not saying thank you, my late mother made it her life’s mission to be ungrateful. I’d bring her sweets from my holiday, she’d thank me nicely, and three or four days later say ‘Don’t bring me anymore of those, they’re horrible.’ Or even just give them back to me saying ‘Take them back, they’re not nice.’ I learnt to only bring certain things I knew she liked, and even then she’d change her mind and tell me she didn’t like them at all. Or she was fed up of them.
She drove me mad, but I loved her.

Yes I can think of something similar, when we bought a Victorian house and invited in laws round they made all the right appreciative noises. When we sold it they didn't hesitate to tell us how horrible it was with a "what possessed you to leave that wall round the fireplace unfinished (deliberately exposed brickwork) can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would buy a house that has an un plastered wall" and then muttered something about "why should have got some nice aluminium window frames to replace the original Victorian ones"

I can remember getting presents from both my grandmothers which I neither liked or wanted, but I think even at junior school age it did occur to me that saying that would hurt their feelings, and in those days we were expected to sit down and write a thank you letter, so I did my best to hide my disappoint.

I tend to find out what my grandchildren want or I send money, thus far I've always had an acknowledgement of thanks sometimes in a video call displaying "gift".

Manners cost nothing and a thank you oil the wheels of relationships and perhaps set an example of how to interact with people per se for satisfactory outcomes.

Foxygloves
I’ve never heard the term before

Just wondering if the expression “bald rudeness” is unfamiliar to anybody else?
The idiom “barefaced cheek” is one I know well enough, but “bald” ?
Is it perhaps regional?

I have always told my grandchildren and children that they are free to exchange anything, I always keep every receipt, and would much prefer they get something they actually like.
As for Thankyou, I see a lot of them, so it’s normally said in person, but the oldest two will just message, briefly.

Oh, and we were taught (by my mum) to thank people profusely whether we liked presents or not. Go figure, as the Americans would say .

maddyone

I don’t know about grandchildren not saying thank you, my late mother made it her life’s mission to be ungrateful. I’d bring her sweets from my holiday, she’d thank me nicely, and three or four days later say ‘Don’t bring me anymore of those, they’re horrible.’ Or even just give them back to me saying ‘Take them back, they’re not nice.’ I learnt to only bring certain things I knew she liked, and even then she’d change her mind and tell me she didn’t like them at all. Or she was fed up of them.
She drove me mad, but I loved her.

I have exactly the same with my mum. It’s reached the point where my sister and I dread present-giving as we know that however much we try we will get it wrong. Things are returned to us, or she will ask what we were thinking of to choose that colour etc. It’s very hurtful. Yet she sets great store by cards, and would be upset if we didn’t set one for every occasion, as to her they are a measure of her popularity and worth as a person, whereas we see them as a commercialised rip-off. That’s a generational thing in reverse, yet we make allowances because she’s old, and ignore the fact that other older people manage to remember their manners. Is the ‘ungrateful’ grandchild much different?

Well for me a one word "thnx" sent because mum had been told there'd been no acknowledgement of the gift is bad manners.
'Thnx for the money grandma' wouldn't have taken much longer to send.

When our boys were teenagers I didn't expect to have to tell them to thank someone for a gift they'd received and never had too, but did ask if they'd done so.

Good manners are one of life's lessons, please and thank you are taught by example, reinforced when necessary but should have been learned by the time they're teenagers.

This isn't a parent to teen problem though, this is grandma's relationship with teens

A parent would be in a far better position to give boundaries and consequences

Parent hasn't done the work here, well, either that or this is coloured because OP has a tense relationship with the parent

I just can't see any value in ignoring a teens special days as punishment, I'd talk to them about it, not show them we punish people to the extent that, we hold a grudge over rudeness for an entire year till the next birthday

I disagree VS, to an extent.

Yes, adults should always be the adult in the room. However at some point, teens need to experience the natural consequences of their decisions.

It is a fine line, as a parent of teens, deciding which side of the line is best for each situation though.

@Dickens you make a good point. However what one person thinks is civilized, hand written thank you notes for a general example, another person thinks civilized is a text that says thx. Who gets to decide?

I realize that isn't what happened in the OP, I was just expanding on the topic as it has meandered.

Returning a gift so rudely is not civilized in ny eyes.

You have to teach them and set a good example

So if teenage shenanigans means they miss a thankyou and you stop sending anything... expect to get nothing back because you just set a bad example of how to be an adult about stuff

@maddyone

I am living this right now with my Grandmother. She was so horrible this week my husband told her to be nice to me! I love her though.

M0nica

I do not hold children to different standards to myself. I always express my thanks when given anything, as much to children as anyone else.

Today I emailed my 15 year old grandaughter to congratulate her on doing well in a singing exam. Within a few hours I had had a reply, acknowledging my congratulations.

I do not hold children to different standards to myself. I always express my thanks when given anything, as much to children as anyone else.

I wanted to say something similar, but thought I'd get jumped on for not 'understanding' and expecting too much.

Don't we want children to grow into civilised adults?

maddyone, my own mother had a problem with presents so never accepted a gift gracefully - only ever criticised or gave it back. Nothing was ever good enough.

When the children came along, she'd send a cheque (for a very small amount) for birthdays/Christmas - along with an expensive card (she was very picky about cards). We never cashed the cheques - and she never asked why!

I don’t know about grandchildren not saying thank you, my late mother made it her life’s mission to be ungrateful. I’d bring her sweets from my holiday, she’d thank me nicely, and three or four days later say ‘Don’t bring me anymore of those, they’re horrible.’ Or even just give them back to me saying ‘Take them back, they’re not nice.’ I learnt to only bring certain things I knew she liked, and even then she’d change her mind and tell me she didn’t like them at all. Or she was fed up of them.
She drove me mad, but I loved her.

I forget things

All the things

Galaxy

I agree. We have a family WhatsApp and I feel I talk to my brother who is some distance away in a more relaxed way than a phone call. I wouldnt ring him just to tell him I had had battenberg cheesecake but I sent him a photo of it on WhatsApp. Its means you are more involved in their daily lives than a phone call.

Ooh....battenberg cheesecake......

I do not hold children to different standards to myself. I always express my thanks when given anything, as much to children as anyone else.

Today I emailed my 15 year old grandaughter to congratulate her on doing well in a singing exam. Within a few hours I had had a reply, acknowledging my congratulations.

I can't help but wonder, how people would feel, if ĥaving forgotten a thank you, their loved ones stopped acknowledging their special days?

Why do we hold children to different standards than adults or even ourselves

Big hugs to you Agent007, please , please dont accept this very rude, bad behaviour .If they didn’t like your Xmas present, they should keep it to themselves & be grateful that they were given one.. . I am soooo upset for you . They need to adopt some courtesy & good manners. How rude to return them to you, they deserve absolutely nothing from you in future ! Big hugs .

I agree with this. My daughter will send me silly TikTok videos that she knows will make me laugh, or a link to something she's come across online. It's immediate and says 'I'm thinking of you', even though it's effortless.

This is how I commicate with my elder 2 (13 +10) and we love it. Its so much fun. I also communicate with my husband, mom, mil, fil, best friend. Hilarious. Would 1000000% recommend for anyone with grandchildren!

Oh my goodness the family whatsapp is a strange and wonderful place lol

imaround couldn't agree more!

Teens are growing up in a time without phone calls or cards.
My eldest is 2009.
They are growing up with texts, WhatsApp, tiktok, Snapchat..
We have to adapt to the changing times.
I'm early 30s, I grew up with phone calls and how awkward they were.

Grandparents have access to their grandchildren as teens, if the accept this is how times are now. You can't turn the clock back.

There are so many ways to have relationships now and too me it feels more personal than birthday cards and the odd phone call when one or the other hasnt much to say

I agree with this. My daughter will send me silly TikTok videos that she knows will make me laugh, or a link to something she's come across online. It's immediate and says 'I'm thinking of you', even though it's effortless. We live miles apart now, and do talk at least once a week, as she knows I like to hear her voice. We have a family WhatsApp group which we use for day to day news - someone's got a new car, or has cooked something new, or survived the dentist - that sort of thing, and that's useful too. Nobody has to stop what they're doing to make small talk for a respectable time, before making an excuse to leave, but we are all still part of one another's lives.