How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

Unfortunately kids have changed a lot since being in lockdown my oldest granddaughter lives long distance from me but I’m always messaging her and sending her gifts sometimes I get a thank you and odd message but she is like that with her dad and my ex daughter inlaw lives with her and she does it to her and she says she’s always asking her did you say thank you etc she is 12 I don’t take it personal it’s her age she is completely different when she is with us and her daddy will say have you message your mum and her reply is will do but she never does.

I can see two sides here yes I can too LRavenscroft but I hope the parents of your friend's nieces and nephews expressed their thanks for the gifts sent, saying that they'd prefer her to spend her money on herself rather than their children.

As we all know, it's not always what's said but how it's said that really matters.

Someone I know on a limited income has several great nieces and nephews. She went out of her way to buy them gifts as they were her only family. Their parents politely told her to back off with the presents as the children did not need or want them. She was devastated. I can see the two sides here. I probably would have felt the same way as the children's parents but also seen the pleasure it gave her. I used to make things disappear when my offspring had too much to keep the stuff down but always brought them up to day thank you. The vanishing stuff would go to a charity shop and was usually very new.

After a while and many years, I stopped buying presents for everyone (friends and relatives) who didn't thank me or acknowledge receipt, especially my nieces and nephews. I would expect other people to do the same if my adult children didn't say thank you. I remember when my niece-in-law had her first baby and I spent hours making a quilt for the cot and yes - no acknowledgement of receipt. I like giving presents and it's not a case of valuing proper responses more than giving, it's a case of good manners. There is no excuse for bad manners.

Good manners may not be important to you obviously. Since your grandchildren are brought up by your child then who is really to blame?

Why bother with them since they don't bother with you! Do they give you B'Day or Xmas presents?

I think it's maybe a generation thing.

I've done countless gifts to smaller children through family, children's parties through school friends, obviously adults too, family and friends for the past 15+ years. I'm early 30s.
They always say 'thank you' when I pass the present on.

I gave my neighbour a bag of outgrown baby clothes for their grandchild.

Occasionally I've got a 'thank you for the gift' text but 90% of the time I don't.
I give because I care, I just presume they are greatful and I get on with my day.

It's obviously hit a nerve Blondiescot
It is an intriguing read though imo.
Do I expect a thankyou?
If I send something I like to know it has arrived so if I hear nothing, I ask and phone and speak - not text.
Then I will maybe get an apologetic reply or more likely a yes thanks we spent it all.

God almighty, I can't believe this is still rumbling on...

No, I agree they are not loving laughing and smiling together and also not able to communicate well

Which is why my first comment asked why there is that distance Yammy

There are lots of reasons that could possibly be, it could be physical distance or it could be emotional distance

But we have all this wonderful technology now to facilitate communication (as some of us were chatting about earlier) and reaching out to close that distance is something the OP can proactively do... I'd tell the teen to also make time for this if I could

VioletSky

If be more grateful for a family that smiles and laughs and loves together a lot and doesn't only see faults everywhere

They are not laughing or loving or smiling together. They cannot be bothered to be pleased that someone has thought about them and bought a present.
How do we know if they send the poster a present?
The quote "Give me a child until they are seven and they are mine for life ". says it all.
Kindness and good manners have to be displayed and shown to young children so they will develop into adults who use the skills. In this case, the adults are not setting a good example. If they turned around and sent me a present I would tell them where to stick it.

Yes, saying thank your appreciation for a gift is good manners

Now, getting resentful you don't get a thank you when you give a present to the same person over and over again - that's on the giver and expecting the impossible from the givee

Smileless2012

Since when is expecting a thank you for a gift, giving a gift with strings attached? It's ridiculous Mollygo for anyone to feel they're wrong if they're upset/annoyed because a gift isn't acknowledged with a simple 'thank you'.
I totally agree, but that’s not the impression I get from some posters, who seem to imply that it’s the OP’s expectations and those of mabon1 that are wrong.

If be more grateful for a family that smiles and laughs and loves together a lot and doesn't only see faults everywhere

Do some really reach adulthood or become teenagers without having learned basic good manners?

It would appear that in some families the answer to that would be a yes. Just be grateful they're not your family.

Human beings are not perfectly formed, nor are they living perfect non stressful lives or in possession of perfect memories

Why focus on what is not to like about a family member, rather than all the things that are likable about then

Lack of thank-you in the grand scheme of things is a relatively minor issue

Especially when some people show their thanks and communicate it that way, by remembering our special days too

Actions have always been more valuable than words to me

Since when is expecting a thank you for a gift, giving a gift with strings attached? It's ridiculous Mollygo for anyone to feel they're wrong if they're upset/annoyed because a gift isn't acknowledged with a simple 'thank you'.

It's just not good enough is it mabon1. If people can't show their appreciation maybe they shouldn't accept the gift in the first place.

Do some really reach adulthood or become teenagers without having learned basic good manners?

Newborns can't say thank you lol

Sorry

But why don't people communicate this?

It doesn't have to be confrontational, it can just be "did you enjoy my gift?"

I think a lot of the comments saying to make sure gifts are something that will be liked and appreciated are spot on

When did communication become so hard? I don't understand what is wrong with being honest in relationships and just saying how people feel...

I'm not neurotypical and cannot help saying if I don't like certain behaviours, so maybe I'm just wired differently but I also just say my piece and its over, no long term issues arise that way

mabon1

Same here I gave £100 to new born baby granddaughter, never a thank you, neither for the £200 for cot and £200 wedding gift.

But if you read some posts on here, giving with the expectation of even something so small as a thank you is wrong.
The gift should have no strings attached.

I expect thanks-and so far, that’s what I get, whether as a text, a phone call, an email or if I see them, then a thanks in person.
I know things change; e.g. no more laboriously written thank you letters but good manners are good manners.

Same here I gave £100 to new born baby granddaughter, never a thank you, neither for the £200 for cot and £200 wedding gift.

Yammy

Or you could just allow me my own opinions and my own parenting

90% of my replies were addressing something that has been said to me. 10% were having a chat to people here who were doing the same

I don't disagree with othes by making personal comments either, I should put that in the foreword

You should write a book VS I think so many of us have a lot to learn from you. When you read 10 pages of responses yours is one of the few who agree with you.You could make a bomb "How to bring Granny's ideas up to date".

Grannys are not an amorphous mass all thinking the same thing! 🙄

These GC are brats! Were they always thus as small children and was no effort made by their parents to bring them into line? Honestly? It's up to the parents even now. Why not tell these kids - AC as well as GC that you'r considering re-writing your will?

VioletSky

I just can't help it, I'm an extremely gentle parent

I don't shout, I explain

I don't remove privileges, I have criteria for earning them

Consequences must be immediate and must be given in such a way that they are considered by the one given them, a time out is a time to calm down and think

I don't react to a behaviour, I look to understand it, children and teens often go through stressful times

I want my children to be good and polite people as most do but I don't hold them to perfection

You should write a book VS I think so many of us have a lot to learn from you. When you read 10 pages of responses yours is one of the few who agree with you.
You could make a bomb "How to bring Granny's ideas up to date".

A training in ordinary politeness does work for a time at least. But if the child is trained in ordinary politeness she may substitute polite behaviour for honesty in expression of her feelings.

While it's good to appear calm and polite vis a vis comparative strangers , when it's a relationship such as Agent 007 rightly expects then both of them should communicate honestly how they feel. The grandchild may be struggling to express herself but Agent007 has the right of a responsible adult to show the child honesty between friends.