Perhaps I expect too much?

They sound very rude and ungrateful so definitely stop sending money.

They sound like my BIL’s adult daughters. Their Mum and Dad spoiled them both thoroughly and were forever bailing them out when they overspent, giving them huge deposits for houses etc. Their Mum died in 2021 and we expected them to support their Dad a bit. One lives about 45 mins away and the other an hour and a half.

He lives alone and is so lonely now. One hardly ever rings him and is totally wrapped up in her own life and kids and the other rings him to ask him to cut her grass, tidy the garden, fetch her kids from school, do her ironing etc which he does!! She doesn’t even make him a sandwich.

On rare occasions he manages for them all to get together at his house for lunch and he preps everything and they turn up late so he is starving and they don’t eat until very late when he had said come for lunch.

He has suggested going for a pub lunch but then he always has to pick up the tab for 9 of them! They are absolute skinflints who are not hard up because their Mum left them £50k each when she died.

I think my SIL must be turning in her grave.

Could you not say, how about we come to you next time? That way, you would see their home for the first time, the teenagers would be in their own home doing what teenagers do. They could eat and drink themselves silly on their own food/drink.
You could just do a one night stay. Would that work? If you’ve not had much contact you won’t have built up a relationship over the years so you won’t feel much for them.

To use a rather old fashioned phrase, I think that you are being taken advantage of. If I were you, I'd cut my losses and stop all Christmas/birthday/Easter etc. expenditure on them. I think I'd also make the point that in future I'll be donating everything that otherwise have been spent on them to Charity, where at least it'll be appreciated. The Charity wins, you win, they lose.. and who knows, they may even learn something from it. Alternatively, spend the money on yourself. As for visits, life really is too short to voluntarily put up with company/guests who are unattractive. Just don't invite them, and if they try to invite themselves, either just say no thanks, or come up with an excuse. Who knows, they may even be grateful for the get-out from what they see as no more than a "duty" visit. . I suspect that the teenagers certainly will.

Passive aggressive excuses etc will not solve the problem. As others have said I think there needs to be some honest communication about visits, financial constraints, expectations, health/tiredness, staying/not staying, meals and anything else appropriate.

Re gifts I would ask if the kids still have their little nest eggs and say you hope they find them useful. Say when you plan to stop financial gifts and why

Good luck

OP and Primrose 53, i see this kind of thing all the time.
what i notice is that it is not the ACs who are genuinely struggling who behave like this. but a type of person who goes through life taking.
you don't have to put up with it.
don't try to reform or shame them.
it's not your place and pointless anyway.
just side-step them.
in the OP's case i think they reconnected when they had children in the hope of money from will.

To me it sounds as if neither you, your husband, or his adult children really want to keep up the relationship, so why don't you just let it go?

We are unfortunately not all able to get on well with our relations by blood or by marriage.

If you decide to invite them again, you are fully justified in telling them that they are welcome, but as you are now both retired and living on your pensions, you will have to ask them to pay themselves for eating out, trips etc. but that you will be happy to still provide food in your home.

As like as not saying this will lead to them making excuses not to come.

I think if your husband had little contact when his son was growing up he would want to 'make up' for lost time . I would think its really difficult on both sides to build this relationship but feeling aggrieved isn't going to help things.

Cut these ‘toxic’ people out of your lives . They’re not needed . But I was amused by Debbi58 reaction saying that families don’t sit around tables for meals anymore. My lot come for Easter and Xmas and lots of Sundays in between! Sit at table or you don’t eat ….and mobiles are gathered up and put in box under coffee table….AFTER being turned off!! And I speak as a person who loves her mobile. Nans house…nans cooking….nans rules! OK!

You’re definitely not being unreasonable! Just say no to them staying at yours in future. How ungrateful!

why did you not encourage your husband to have a relationship with his son 45 years ago? was there a reason for this? did he not want a relationship with him?

I come from a blended family and they aren't always easy but it is positive you have all managed to develop a relationship so I think as others have suggested, maybe y=just talk to them about it all. If others want to holiday in your house, the general rule is they respect your routine and you cook at your normal times and if they want to contribute you cook for them too, if they want to 'holiday' they fund that themselves

Teens eating crap and sweets over Easter isn;t a big deal

Ungrateful entitled gits, my diary would be full for the foreseeable future

If you want to have another go at keeping in touch , perhaps meeting in a different way. When my husband was in poor health and I was doing all the driving etc etc., my son and family planned a trip to the Lake district for their holiday. That was nearer to where we lived than their home and so we went bed and breakfast for 3 days over there, and were able to meet up with the family, without anyone being responsible for all the catering etc. It worked very well. We were able to meet up and have a good time together but again , particularly when my husband was feeling weary we could go off and spend some quiet time. We do get on well together anyway, so I dont know if that would be a possibility for you. Being away from your own home could feel like a neutral area and you wouldnt feel obliged to do a great deal but share some time or an activity that you enjoy together. It might give you chance to separate out the hospitality part from the feeling part and maybe enjoy something together. If it works you can build on that and have that to talk about. If things dont improve at all you have tried your best and may accept that it just isnt going to work, which is a shame but will ensure that such a time as you have had is not repeated. The most charitable view of their last visit is perhaps that they do not realize that you are now older and it is more effort. I have always been a reasonable cook and done many meals for family and friends, but now with various physical problems I would not like to do a full roast etc for 5 or 6 people . I could do a casserole and jacket potatoes as they could be prepared in advance and would be happy sitting there if people were late. Not that I have gone off my family or friends but just have to accept it is too much for me these days. Friends of similar ages understand and I simply explained how I am these days to the family. I do hope that you work out what might be the best to do for the future. In particular I think it is important for you and your husband to decide what you hope for. In this situation it would be sad if you are doing what you think he wants you to do, and he is doing the same and neither of you are actually let each other know how you feel about things. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Life really is too short for all of this - just give it a miss (say you`re unwell) and get on and enjoy yourselves!

Sometimes it is more painful to see people and be treated like this than to be at a distance, when it is not in your face all the time.

Think you should just be honest with them and say you love seeing them but you’re now pensioners and simply cannot afford to fully “host” and that it’s too much to have them staying overnight !

I have a wonderful step-daughter who’s never ever dream of behaving like this !!!!

Saggi - agree one hundred percentage - your house, your rules, if they don’t like it they needn’t come !!!

I certainly wouldn't have them to stay over again, despite having the space. They were definitely taking your hospitality for granted!

I don't think this is a case of the visit not going the way you had planned as suggested up thread, more a case of you and your OH being taken for granted.

Some years ago we entertained two family members from overseas for a couple of nights; they brought NOTHING into our home by way of a gesture, not even flowers or a bottle of wine.......they then went to stay with another relative who hosted a family party, the overseas visitors donated a full case of wine plus spirits that they had purchased duty free on the journey.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't expect to gain from anyone but I will not be taken for a fool.

I know someone that didn’t see his dad much for 35 years he also got in touch with him when he got married. He was resentful and only contacted his dad for what he could get. He knows his dad has no enthusiasm him and there isn’t much of a relationship, just lip service to one and a sense of obligation. His dad and step mum very much resent having them to stay while this isn’t voiced buy my friend, his wife and their kids wife have picked up on. So perhaps this is a similar situation in some ways ? Yes they are ungrateful and rude but maybe the son sees this as a god given right to, make up for 45 years without a dad.
I am not saying it is right, but these feelings of resentment, along with an acknowledgement that they are not really close can determine actions and behaviour. My friend makes no bones about the fact he takes his dad and step mum for all he can get. An otherwise kind, warm giving , but he is full of resentment and anger towards his dad. His dad gives out of guilt and yet resents what he does give. Perhaps you just need to talk clear the air and mend some bridges.
As for the wine, I would expect someone to take it out of my fridge if it wasn’t mine.

paddyann54

I'm going against the grain here ,your husband didn't have much contact with his son for decadesmthe son reconnected probably in the hope of having some kind of meaningfull relationship with his dad and a grandfather for his kids .
Seems to me he's being rejected again!
What a shame you cant find it n you...either of you...to make an effort and make them feel welcome and part of the family .
He's probably better off without you but I'd bet he still tries to make some kind of relationship with the dad he doesn't know .Sadly I think your more bothered about your own feelings !

This says everything I would have said.

I've been in a similar position with my father and his wife. It is difficult to know what to do, how far you can go, etc, etc. Maybe his mother is more relaxed about things and that is what he expects in a parent/child relationship.

Funny thing is their mother never even mentions the little nest eggs to us!

Any reason why she should? We get a verbal thank you at the time from the parents (whichever one is around at the time of gifting) and that is that. Occasionally, we might get a text but we give because we want to not because we want undying gratitude.

Mrs Meldrew I do wish you would break up your posting with paragraphs.
Am I the only one who sees a long stretch of words and decides against reading it?

I think it’s important for your husband and you to maintain a relationship with his son and his son’s family, given how much his son missed out on this relationship as a child. It would be unkind to make him feel rejected again.

That doesn’t mean things don’t change. I’d certainly talk to them about how things could be done differently. But please do keep in touch.

Having children may have brought the son’s feelings about his dad to the surface. He may want his dad involved in his children’s lives. He may not just be out for what he can get.

Was a week a bit too long? It doesn’t sound very long, but I’m imagining being a teenager sleeping on the sofa with no privacy. There’s obviously a wish to keep in touch and form better family relationships, but maybe the holiday time needs better planning with a couple of outings that will have some interest for different family members? You’re only just getting to know each other!

I’ve been on the receiving end of a stepmother except my DF raised me until 21 years. My DH, son and myself only ever stayed in their home once, was never going to do that again with her! So although trips to see them were far and few between we stayed in a cheap hotel and met them for dinner, walk etc so that we could pick and choose when we saw them and how long we stayed in their company . We did always offer to pay for dinner and at least once per visit paid for dinner on the way to loo behind their backs. I personally if I was in your position take the initiative and phone for your next meeting but tell them in advance that you fancy a few days away and are staying in a hotel near where they live, that way you can choose to meet them in a pub etc for a meal, tell them in advance they will have to go halves on the meal (even if you don’t expect them too it will put the idea in their head) and mention that although you will be doing still cards you won’t be doing presents as your bills have gone up and your struggling to get your pension to cover them. Id get in first and go during the summer and if they mention coming again to you say you enjoyed your break so much you would prefer to come over their way each time. You could say you haven’t got 3 bedrooms free anymore as you and your husband are sleeping in separate rooms due to snoring, health problems, night sweats etc. that way your husband still sees his son but you haven’t got the inconvenience and expense of them coming to you.

i wouldn't bother with all that play-acting;
life's too short, and it's undignified.
just grey rock with that MN standard:
no that doesn't work for me/us.

No, you are not being unreasonable mrsmeldrew but unfortunately your step son and his family are.

Next time they want to visit just say you'd love to seem them but they'll need to stay elsewhere because it's too much for you both, and you can meet up for meals etc.