MIL won’t offer any petrol money

Katie59, yes, it's payback for all her years of being a mother. Still, maybe it's become a problem more recently, as Sunflower2 is now in her 'late sixties' and tired/slowing down a bit (I know I am)?

My mother lived a three hour drive or train journey away, so I mentioned 'other arrangements' earlier.

Shopping was ordered online and delivered. Her cleaner would put it away. We had an arrangement with a local cab company for her weekly trips to the hairdressers. There was a hospital transport service (run by a group of volunteers from a church group) - and oh, yes, she did have to pay for the petrol! The hearing aid service did home visits.

She wasn't always too thrilled by these services, though, sometimes having to wait or not receive a direct journey - perhaps for pick ups/drop offs for others. She would have preferred us to be constantly running around for her. Tough! We did visit (around monthly) and were always available/in touch by phone.

Calendargirl:

'Our own children will not be expected to care for us, if we get so we can’t manage, it will be a nursing home unfortunately.'

Exactly - I'll never allow my kids (or grandkids) to be so involved in looking after me (or feel that resentment). We're all living longer and can't expect the elderly to care for their (very elderly) parents.

Katie59

We all spend time and money caring for our loved ones, if you genuinely cannot afford to do the shopping then it’s reasonable to have petrol money. Otherwise it’s what we all do and hope that our children will do for us.

I would never expect my children to spend time and money caring for me in my old age!

I don't think YABU.
Circumstances change and you can no longer keep it up!
My DBiL and I shared POA for my mum and I am quite sure we didn't get out of pocket. My DBiL is an economist and I always trusted him to be scrupulously fair. DM died aged 93.

In your case there seems to be a new resentment creeping in when you say you think that SiL is encouraging this meanness about the cost of petrol.
SiL needs to know the facts of life. Money does not equal love but if you haven't the means, how can you continue to do your wonderful work?

I'm now part of the family team caring for DMiL who is 98. She's currently in hospital but a care package is being set up for if and when she can get home. It's only half an hour morning and evening!
She has been living with her DS since Christmas but he needs respite.

I hope you can get your arrangements onto an even keel PDQ!

Hetty58

Calendargirl:

'Our own children will not be expected to care for us, if we get so we can’t manage, it will be a nursing home unfortunately.'

Exactly - I'll never allow my kids (or grandkids) to be so involved in looking after me (or feel that resentment). We're all living longer and can't expect the elderly to care for their (very elderly) parents.

Same here. My own experience of dementia in two close relatives has made me vow that dds will never have to cope with all that worry, stress and exhaustion.

If dh and/or I need help or care, we will willingly pay for it - and if we are unable to arrange it ourselves, dds will know our wishes and will have the necessary powers of attorney to be able to do so. It won’t mean that they don’t love us enough - I am very well aware that they do.

I do sympathies because

it does sound as if the whole thing is becoming too onerous not just the money.

And some tricky emotions involved - like money being conflated with caring in her mind so you asking for money means in her mind you don't care, something like that.

Some useful suggestions above that she might get taxi's to one or two of the outings.

It does seem a good idea to keep a record of costs - not sure how effective it would be with MiL herself, at 98 few are flexible...

....but perhaps useful for SiL along with details of your own financiaL situation which has clearly changed.. Lay it out for her.

Other thought? Are there resentments that SiL doesn't "do her bit? - then puts ideas in MiL's head?

Another one difficult to deal with no easy answer expect honest discussion maybe a meeting with SiL about MiL's needs, the finances, how MiL can be best supported..

You are right, Calendargirl - I know things I did 20 years ago are harder now!
I would hope when we are unable to cope without help we accept the help with good grace and are also mindful of the effort and cost to others.

We do an online shop for my mother-in-law (probably monthly) Hetty and her cleaner helps put it away. She also calls Morrisons' customer service herself for anything needed more often (such as fresh bread and milk). Her cleaner is also marvellous and will do easy jobs such as changing batteries/light bulbs.
Maybe something like this could be organised by the OP?

Suggest that for medical appointments your MiL uses either taxi or Dial a Ride. after paying for these a few times, she is likely to be more than delighted to give you money towards petrol costs.

I would point out to your MIL and SIL that at your age you are no longer able to give the support you have been giving.
You have to budget yourselves and sometimes just cannot do the journey to her house because of medical reasons which you need not disclose. Your SIL is getting off lightly.
We lived hundreds of miles away from both MIL and it ended up causing tensions in our house when BIL did not step up to the mark.
I said I would set up all the agencies I could for my mother and DH could sort his own out either himself or with his brother. It was surprising how quickly I managed to get help in place , even to a local cafe supplying meals or filling the freezer.
When BIL knew we were not going to jump he started to do his fair share and all got sorted out.
There comes a time unfortunately when you have to say NO.
Good Luck

It just occurred to me that the government's 'drive' to get pensioners back into the work-place might well be hampered by the fact that quite a few of them are having to spend time caring for their ageing parents to some degree or other.

At a time when you expect to be slowing down a little - taking on a job and caring duties at the same time means really that you are simply not going to be able to enjoy much retirement.

Perhaps online grocery shop/delivery, taxis, less trips, and asking more help from her carer might help you?

I'd have had difficulty asking mum for petrol money, keep track and make sure it really matters to your budget? Maybe it's just the notion of spending more on petrol that bothers.

I sympathise. If your MIL is unappreciative of what you do, resentment can build. In a very similar situation, my MIL was the same. What we eventually did (a 100 mile round trip often involving an overnight in winter) was a rota where DH visited alone, I visited alone and every third visit we did as a couple. No help with costs but it meant that DH and I each got some time when we could have “a day off”. MIL got her son to hersel every third visit. It took a long time for us to work this out.
Do you have a free bus pass. Could you use the bus occasionally?
I hope that the sympathy and understanding from all of us here help just a little. 💐

No, IMO you are not being at all unreasonable. As other GNs suggest, perhaps it's time for you to step back a bit and arrange other (paid for!) support services for your MiL. This should make life easier for you, all round. I am surprised to hear that you've been running around for MiL for over twenty years. Good grief - she was a mere 78 when you started this!

What is Independent Living Allowance Sunflower? I wonder if you mean Disability Living Allowance or Attendance Allowance?

With the Local Authority providing Care, it will not be only your mother-in-law who decides whether she goes into a Care Home . She could not just say, "I want to go into a home". The Council will have a say too, and they will keep her in her own home as long as it costs less than a Care Home does.

Why not look at how many of these jobs you are doing, can be done, at least to some extent, by others?

For instance, you could get her to tell you what shopping she wants and order it online to be delivered. She will then pay the delivery charge, and you will not have to travel to see her, do the shopping, and then travel home.

It sounds as if she may well be able to have, or already has, Low Income National Health Support. This would mean she can have transport to hospital appointments. (This benefit also helps with the cost of glasses and offers some free dentistry and a few other things).

You could also look into the various groups that will offer lifts to the elderly and disabled. It may take a while to find out who they are and what they offer, but it would give her more of the independence she wants. That independence in her daily life means that you and your husband can go back to being a son and daughter-in-law.

Having been in a not too dissimilar situation I would be taking into consideration several factors. Did she do a lot for the OP & her husband in the early years i.e. child care, allowing them to live with her and not make any demands in return? Do the OP and her husband have sufficient pension funds to comfortably afford these trips for the next couple of years? At 98 will the lady still be with us in a couple of years? Is there a big inheritance to protect by carrying out duties now for later? Is the health of the OP and her husband robust enough to carry out these duties for the couple of years? I would weigh all of this up taking into account how MIL had treated both of us over the years against how much of our lives we would like to devote to her care to cover all the above queries. If they are burnt out, financially at a great loss, and MIL is very difficult, then changes need to be made. Perhaps, more avenues need to be explored to find substitutes i.e. getting a hairdresser and chiropodist home? etc. Not an easy decision to arrive at but I would put my own exhaustion first and let the rest be decided in comparison.

Franbern

Suggest that for medical appointments your MiL uses either taxi or Dial a Ride. after paying for these a few times, she is likely to be more than delighted to give you money towards petrol costs.

Or maybe she qualifies for hospital transport - which in our area involves a lot of sitting round waiting; a couple of several hour trips for five minute appointment will no doubt result in a change of mind.

Riggie

Franbern

Suggest that for medical appointments your MiL uses either taxi or Dial a Ride. after paying for these a few times, she is likely to be more than delighted to give you money towards petrol costs.

Or maybe she qualifies for hospital transport - which in our area involves a lot of sitting round waiting; a couple of several hour trips for five minute appointment will no doubt result in a change of mind.

Great idea!

Very yanbu - unless your help is imposed on mil and she doesn't want it but you insist

How does she react to your help?
Is she grateful? Demanding? Can compromise?

Would she be able to live in her home because of your dedication and time invested in helping her?

20 years is a long time for assisting somebody and 3 days a week is almost 50% of your life in a weekly basis!

Get a calendar and write how much time you are dedicating to her

Write a list of items you need to be happy with your own daily life- hobbies, your own grocery shopping, leisure time even if you are looking at the ceiling to decompress, tv time, etc - add up the hours - add some additional time to that time for your emergencies

Based on the hours left , step back and decide what is must help, should help and could help items in that list

Help doesn't have to be in person, it can be done remotely

20 years is too long to be a lifeline.

Nobody signs a contract when they are born to take care of their parents in their old age, more so when those elderly parents behave worse than toddlers

I appreciate everyone’s comments. It’s really given me food for thought! I was at my tether end when I posted. It just seemed like one more thing we were getting wrong. (Can I just point out that although I called it Independent Living Allowance, I’m aware it may not be called that. It’s an allowance she receives to pay for services that will keep her in her own home. It is not a hand out to squirrel away.)
For those who asked if it was really about petrol and money……..no, probably not! It’s a build up of resentment, leading to anger on my part. In contrast to the way I was brought up, my mother would never have seen any of us out of pocket. She offered! Insisted! She didn’t need to be asked. MIL has never offered, which is why we felt forced several years ago to point it out. She has been giving us the odd £10 when it was an appointment etc., but my resentment is from having to point it out rather than it coming from her all those years ago. Now for her to suddenly decide she’s given us enough seems strange as her appointments are no less. (As I said, I’m pretty sure I know where this is coming from.). Yesterday my husband went over to take her for a hearing check at the hospital. Today he’s going over to take her to a different hospital for a Covid booster. For those who said at her age she’s too elderly to be aware of petrol costs, she’s not too elderly to decide she doesn’t want to give us petrol money any more! Being grateful and demonstrating it makes all the difference. We would gladly do all these things for her, but when it is expected, demanded, when threats are made, when genuine courtesy is not forthcoming, even the best of us have our limits! I’m so grateful for the opportunity to air my thoughts on this site when I needed to offload and to all those who responded so generously.

"We would gladly do all these things for her, but when it is expected, demanded, when threats are made, when genuine courtesy is not forthcoming, even the best of us have our limits!"

You have done more than your share for too many years and should consider prioritizing you first

No you are not being unreasonable! What a mean old biddy! I would make myself less available. She would have to pay for taxies and would soon realise what a godsend you and your husband are. Being 98 is no excuse for being mean spirited.

Op

Why don't you take a break and let your DH take care of his mother fully?

Let's see how long it takes him to push back when all the work is on his shoulders

Hetty58

Calendargirl:

'Our own children will not be expected to care for us, if we get so we can’t manage, it will be a nursing home unfortunately.'

Exactly - I'll never allow my kids (or grandkids) to be so involved in looking after me (or feel that resentment). We're all living longer and can't expect the elderly to care for their (very elderly) parents.

I totally agree, Hetty, but we may not be in control. A friend's parent was in a retirement home - it was costing more than I was earning. Now I'm retired, I'm obviously on a much smaller income.

There is no way we can stop our children worrying about us and feeling concerned about us and fussing round us.

We are coming up to 80 and live a long way from our children and were determined to stay self sufficient, including living far enough away for them not to be able to look after us.

However after seeing how difficult it was for them to visit, and how insistent they were on frequent visits when DH had a heart attack, we began to rethink and, as both DC live off the same motorway - but 150 miles apart, we thought we would consider moving somewhere between the two, so neither was overburdened and we were essentially independent. A move is not imminent, but we were just mulling future options.

As soon as we mentioned to our children what we were considering, both of them were adamant. If we moved, it should be the town one or other of them lived in, so that one of them were close at hand and could give us all the help we needed if we needed it.

So much for not intending to be a burden. they want us near enough to be a burden!

My husband works a demanding full time job, we aren't well off. I cannot work and don't recieve help. My Mum is 84 and has incurable lung cancer. My husband makes himself available for every hospital appointment she has to attend and drives her there. He also has to drive me to hospital as I too have cancer. The monthly petrol costs a fortune but my husband refuses to take a penny from my Mum, he said he'd rather have to go without something himself. I love him for that attitude alone