MIL won’t offer any petrol money

Primrose53

Sunflower - I read your post about SIL being POA. The brothers need to query with their Mum whether this is still a good idea bearing in mind she lives 300 miles away and doesn’t drive. An additional POA or alternative POA can always be added.

If your MIL was admitted to hospital they won’t discuss her care with the brothers as they do not have POA. Same with her GP unless you have set up an arrangement with them.

They have vehemently queried it and it led to some very ugly scenes. MIL insisted it wasn’t mentioned again.
DH and BIL have POA over health issues, just not money.

So it’s just property and financial affairs the SIL wants control over? That says a lot about her.

For me, both were equally important.

Been thinking …. If any of you feel the daughter has pressurised your MIL into making her the POA or is doing anything dodgy you can report it to The Office Of The Public Guardian. I believe you can do this anonymously but they will always investigate.

Sunflower2

Norah

Perhaps it's time her 'perfect daughter' - you know, the one trusted with POA - was in total charge of all things mum?

She can organise it all from a distance. Internet is a miracle - order food for delivery, get carers who help with errands, find a cab service, etc.

Let mil&sil take care of this together. Result could be you're valued.

Result will be threats, sadly. It’s happened, as I’ve posted before, when my husband is ‘bullied’ by threats of disinheritance etc.

Threats only work if your husband complies. If he walks away from the nonsense mil&sil are offering up - he wins. End of.

Primrose53

Been thinking …. If any of you feel the daughter has pressurised your MIL into making her the POA or is doing anything dodgy you can report it to The Office Of The Public Guardian. I believe you can do this anonymously but they will always investigate.

Thanks for the info. It wouldn’t be classed as dodgy, but her mother has never been able to stand up to her.

Norah: “ Threats only work if your husband complies. If he walks away from the nonsense mil&sil are offering up - he wins. End of.”

He has told her how upsetting it is when she resorts to these tactics, but he sees it as desperation from a little old lady who doesn’t have much power. He’s not taken in by it, it’s just upsetting to hear her say it.

Talking clearly doesn't work with her

If your dh means it - he needs to act and show her he means business

Sunflower2

Primrose53

Been thinking …. If any of you feel the daughter has pressurised your MIL into making her the POA or is doing anything dodgy you can report it to The Office Of The Public Guardian. I believe you can do this anonymously but they will always investigate.

Thanks for the info. It wouldn’t be classed as dodgy, but her mother has never been able to stand up to her.

I meant like financial irregularities.

I am pleased your husband and brother have PoA in health matters.

That it least is good news.

Primrose53: “I meant like financial irregularities.”

Any examples?
It’s difficult to get access to her financial affairs now so we might not know.

This is not your mother so if your dh, her son, Feels the same way he should discuss sharing petrol and other costs with his sister. You seem to resent your mil so maybe let your him deal with his mum.
At 98 she won’t live forever and no doubt you will inherit a share of her house which had she gone into a home would already have been sold to pay the very high fees.

When my mum was alive we did what you are doing and never expected her to contribute because she was my mum and we both loved her. I miss her still,

Sunflower2

Primrose53: “I meant like financial irregularities.”

Any examples?
It’s difficult to get access to her financial affairs now so we might not know.

She has ensured she is in charge of Property and Finance but not Health and Welfare. People have been known to persuade family to change their Wills in their favour. They have also been known to be using the family members savings to pay off their own bills, take holidays, buy cars etc.

If you MIL has savings why is she telling her not to pay you for petrol?

Primrose53: “ If you MIL has savings why is she telling her not to pay you for petrol?”

Presumably because she doesn’t agree with the principal of her son asking her to use some of her Independent Living Allowance to pay for petrol. I assume she thinks her son should give it freely.

B9exchange

No, you are not being unreasonable at all, but I fear if she has been used to free travel for the past 20 years, it will ne hard to convince her to stump up now.

You could contact your sister, tell her you can't afford any travel other than essentials such as medical visits, and suggest you split the costs of anything else between you if she doesn't want your mother paying.

But the best thing to do would be to keep a record of the date and mileage every journey you do for your Mum, add it up, work out the cost of the petrol, and calmly show your sister and your mum how much it is costing you. No recriminations, just facts, and say it is not sustainable on your pension.

Arguments often arise because the participants are not in possession of the full facts?

I agree. Show the sister what it’s costing. Or indeed suggest that she takes over the running about…. And yes, I know she’s 300 miles away.

silverlining48

This is not your mother so if your dh, her son, Feels the same way he should discuss sharing petrol and other costs with his sister. You seem to resent your mil so maybe let your him deal with his mum.
At 98 she won’t live forever and no doubt you will inherit a share of her house which had she gone into a home would already have been sold to pay the very high fees.

When my mum was alive we did what you are doing and never expected her to contribute because she was my mum and we both loved her. I miss her still,

Thanks for you considered response. I’ve been mulling it over all day.

It would be very hard “…..so maybe let your him deal with his mum” as I am affected by what she does and says, even when it’s directed towards DH.

Maybe I am resentful and that is something I’ll have to think about. Maybe more disappointed than resentful, but it still needs considering.

I don’t want to confuse love with using money you’ve been given to keep you independent, being used for that purpose.

I miss mine still too.

but if she has careworkers, attendance allowance will hardly cover the cost of those, let alone having surplus ?

It sounds to me like you are tired and not a little resentful after all these years, which is manifesting itself in developing a transactional situation. There is no shame in admitting this and in order to continue helping her with the really important stuff you need to keep yourselves healthy as well.

My advice would be to step back a little, but before you do have an honest conversation with her. Don't mention the money aspect, just tell her you are tired, you want a better carer/life balance.
Everything you mention can be achieved differently, without so much of your physical input. Harden yourself for the conversation as it may be a difficult one, but you can start the ball rolling by suggesting you source a mobile hairdresser for her.
Specsavers advertise a home visiting optician. There are mobile chiropodists to be had in most areas. Transport to hospital appointments can be arranged with volunteer drivers/local charities who will expect a donation fee (they will help with mobility aspects, taking her to where she needs to be etc). Hospital transport is also often available but you have to ask.
If you or perhaps your sister are computer literate then set up home shopping delivery from any of the supermarkets. You have always been able to order for a third party and you can set up the account with your Mum's bank details if she uses a debit card, or yours if that's is easier and she will reimburse you!
She may be resistant to a lot,or all, of your suggestions but you need to stay firm.
A piece of advice I was given many years ago was ask yourself 'Are they safe?' Would it cause her harm if you were to not take her to:
a hairdressing appointment? No
a hospital appointment? Probably, yes

Just achieving some of these changes could cut her expectations of you by 50%. It may also make her and your sister realise just how much you do for her. She might just start offering you money to go back to doing what you were doing ....then of course you have a difficult decision!
Just a thought but you don't mention holidays. Do you have them and if so who does what you do when you are not available?

It always falls on one child, then the one who did nothing gets the lot.
I don't want my children losing their quality of life for me, I will go in a home much as I dread it, my daughter distanced herself years ago, when I was fit, she had seen friends and me be Carers and said she would never do it, I tried to tell her I didn't want that any more than she did, but she would not listen, now I never see her. My son is lovely but I don't ask anything of him. I have been a carer for my in laws it wasn't easy but I am glad we were there for them. My husband died before them, everything went to the d that hadn't seen them for 10 years. I wouldn't want to be that person.

SuperTinny

It sounds to me like you are tired and not a little resentful after all these years, which is manifesting itself in developing a transactional situation. There is no shame in admitting this and in order to continue helping her with the really important stuff you need to keep yourselves healthy as well.

My advice would be to step back a little, but before you do have an honest conversation with her. Don't mention the money aspect, just tell her you are tired, you want a better carer/life balance.
Everything you mention can be achieved differently, without so much of your physical input. Harden yourself for the conversation as it may be a difficult one, but you can start the ball rolling by suggesting you source a mobile hairdresser for her.
Specsavers advertise a home visiting optician. There are mobile chiropodists to be had in most areas. Transport to hospital appointments can be arranged with volunteer drivers/local charities who will expect a donation fee (they will help with mobility aspects, taking her to where she needs to be etc). Hospital transport is also often available but you have to ask.
If you or perhaps your sister are computer literate then set up home shopping delivery from any of the supermarkets. You have always been able to order for a third party and you can set up the account with your Mum's bank details if she uses a debit card, or yours if that's is easier and she will reimburse you!
She may be resistant to a lot,or all, of your suggestions but you need to stay firm.
A piece of advice I was given many years ago was ask yourself 'Are they safe?' Would it cause her harm if you were to not take her to:
a hairdressing appointment? No
a hospital appointment? Probably, yes

Just achieving some of these changes could cut her expectations of you by 50%. It may also make her and your sister realise just how much you do for her. She might just start offering you money to go back to doing what you were doing ....then of course you have a difficult decision!
Just a thought but you don't mention holidays. Do you have them and if so who does what you do when you are not available?

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

In my original post my main grievance was that for some reason she has decided we’ve had enough petrol money and doesn’t want to give us any more. As I said, I’m sure I know where this is coming from. To swap most of her appointments to home visits would cut out a whole swathe of socialising that she looks forward to. These are opportunities to see the outside world and speak with other people. I’d hate to take that away from her. She needs accompanying to hospital visits as she can’t remember what a doctor would say to her, plus she needs help going to the loo. She would be terribly confused and panic.

We do go away, and with the carers there we are confident she’ll be looked after. We book all appointments for when we are here and stock her up with food before we go

My grievance wasn’t really how much we do for her, it was deciding to stop giving us petrol money for doing all the things we do do.

Allsorts

It always falls on one child, then the one who did nothing gets the lot.
I don't want my children losing their quality of life for me, I will go in a home much as I dread it, my daughter distanced herself years ago, when I was fit, she had seen friends and me be Carers and said she would never do it, I tried to tell her I didn't want that any more than she did, but she would not listen, now I never see her. My son is lovely but I don't ask anything of him. I have been a carer for my in laws it wasn't easy but I am glad we were there for them. My husband died before them, everything went to the d that hadn't seen them for 10 years. I wouldn't want to be that person.

I’m so sorry for your situation. It sounds very sad.