MIL won’t offer any petrol money

Hithere

Op

Your post at 08:53 clearly shows her current living arrangements are not suitable - just in case we needed more proof

She is not able to live by herself - needs 24/7 supervision when police and ambulance need to be called

She took her earing aid off? Are you kidding me? Irresponsible on her part not to be reachable

It is up to you and dh to change the dynamics here, his mother is having her cake and eating it too
She feels bad about asking her carers for items but has 0 issues taking your time, health and money for granted?
How convenient

I think it’s a generational thing, as I said before. There’s an automatic assumption that ‘family’ will do what she did for her mother. But times change!

Hetty58

Calendargirl:

'Our own children will not be expected to care for us, if we get so we can’t manage, it will be a nursing home unfortunately.'

Exactly - I'll never allow my kids (or grandkids) to be so involved in looking after me (or feel that resentment). We're all living longer and can't expect the elderly to care for their (very elderly) parents.

Indeed.

Our care is organised. All planned, money saved to pay - none of our children involved in any way. Too much work, imo.

MIL has a home, could finance said home and actually pay for care. Actually some bank product - interest is paid until selling?

Norah

Perhaps it's time her 'perfect daughter' - you know, the one trusted with POA - was in total charge of all things mum?

She can organise it all from a distance. Internet is a miracle - order food for delivery, get carers who help with errands, find a cab service, etc.

Let mil&sil take care of this together. Result could be you're valued.

exactly

Perhaps it's time her 'perfect daughter' - you know, the one trusted with POA - was in total charge of all things mum?

She can organise it all from a distance. Internet is a miracle - order food for delivery, get carers who help with errands, find a cab service, etc.

Let mil&sil take care of this together. Result could be you're valued.

Do you get or seek any support for yourselves? The roll of a carer no matter what your imput is is often stressful. It consumes you. I know this from my own experience . Some may say you dont need to do as much as you do but its never that simple is it?. It is never just money thats the issue either. You will I suspect have had your own dreams of what retirement holds for you both. Try and find a balence by looking out for yourselves too. Wishing you the very best as you navigate through this.

Op

Your post at 08:53 clearly shows her current living arrangements are not suitable - just in case we needed more proof

She is not able to live by herself - needs 24/7 supervision when police and ambulance need to be called

She took her earing aid off? Are you kidding me? Irresponsible on her part not to be reachable

It is up to you and dh to change the dynamics here, his mother is having her cake and eating it too
She feels bad about asking her carers for items but has 0 issues taking your time, health and money for granted?
How convenient

Primrose53:

This has been hashed and re hashed over the years. It has caused arguments, hurt feelings and more arguments! My MIL is led by her daughter. ‘Period’ as they like to say in America!
To all intents and purposes she IS doing what she wants by giving sole POA to her daughter. How she came to that decision despite vehement protestations from her two sons, is up for debate!

PS Sunflower. To clarify my last para, you can still do it via the Courts but it is extremely expensive and can take a very long time.

Sunflower2

NotSpaghetti

Does your husband also feel so fed up/disgruntled with the situation Sunflower2?

If so, has he "had the finance/time discussion" with his sister?

Does someone have a power of attorney (thinking both health and finance)?

I have looked back over the thread and can't seem to find the answers to these.
Apologies if I missed them.

He gets extremely fed up but also is understanding that her advanced years do affect her perspective. He also has chronic fatigue, which I don’t think she understands!

SIL has insisted only she will have POA!

It’s not up to your SIL as to who is POA! It is completely your Mum’s decision. If I were your husband I would talk to his Mum now and explain what it means and that it is HER choice who she chooses. It may be SIL, it may be him, it could be both or it could be somebody else she trusts. When the paperwork is being done somebody who knows your Mum well has to sign to confirm that she understands what she is agreeing to.

It is really important that you don’t delay putting this in place because if your Mum loses capacity to understand then you can’t do it. For us it was vital and Mum chose to do both parts so, as she wanted me as POA I could deal with all her financial affairs as well as her health and welfare issues. First thing they ask at hospitals is “who has POA?”. I was able to ensure that Mum got the treatment and care she needed and also that her final months and passing were exactly what she wished for.

Primrose53

It is such a shame when families can’t all agree about what’s best for an elderly parent. Often it all falls to one child who does their very best yet the one (s) who rarely visit or help out stick their oar in and cause trouble.

I did everything for my late Mum, hospital (60 mile round trip) appointments, hairdresser (10 miles), optician (15 miles) dentist (12 miles) shopping (28 miles) collected and returned to stay with us every weekend (40 miles) etc but I did it because I loved her and the 2 other siblings did nothing even though they lived slightly closer than me!

I never asked for money but sometimes Mum would offer me some and I would very occasionally accept it when she insisted but mostly not. She then started saying she would buy us lunch which was great.

One time Mum was telling one sibling and partner how much I did for her and laughingly called me her carer. Well there was uproar because they then got it into their heads that I was getting paid which of course I wasn’t. They wouldn’t speak to me but sent messages via Mum which really upset me.

If you really need the money then I think you should say so to your Mum but it’s not just the money, it’s the time involved too. If I took my Mum anywhere it was usually goodbye to most of my day. The other alternative is to contact the sibling and ask them to maybe come up for a week every so often to give you a break and see how much is involved.

Sounds very similar! I really don’t know why it has to be like this! Why would one sibling take exception to her mother giving us petrol money for the journeys we do for her care? Why would that sibling think we should do it for free? Again, in the reverse situation, I would be so grateful someone was looking after my mother I’d give them whatever they wanted or needed in order to keep that care going. Weird!
It really isn’t the money as I’ve said. It’s acknowledgement really. And I agree any trip writes off most of the day!

We tried to set up a rota system with the other two siblings (my SIL and BIL) coming down alternately, but they wouldn’t participate because we wouldn’t stay over and give her continuous care for the same amount of time they would have to! [Confused] (In our opinion we live too close for that to be necessary) So sad!

It is such a shame when families can’t all agree about what’s best for an elderly parent. Often it all falls to one child who does their very best yet the one (s) who rarely visit or help out stick their oar in and cause trouble.

I did everything for my late Mum, hospital (60 mile round trip) appointments, hairdresser (10 miles), optician (15 miles) dentist (12 miles) shopping (28 miles) collected and returned to stay with us every weekend (40 miles) etc but I did it because I loved her and the 2 other siblings did nothing even though they lived slightly closer than me!

I never asked for money but sometimes Mum would offer me some and I would very occasionally accept it when she insisted but mostly not. She then started saying she would buy us lunch which was great.

One time Mum was telling one sibling and partner how much I did for her and laughingly called me her carer. Well there was uproar because they then got it into their heads that I was getting paid which of course I wasn’t. They wouldn’t speak to me but sent messages via Mum which really upset me.

If you really need the money then I think you should say so to your Mum but it’s not just the money, it’s the time involved too. If I took my Mum anywhere it was usually goodbye to most of my day. The other alternative is to contact the sibling and ask them to maybe come up for a week every so often to give you a break and see how much is involved.

NotSpaghetti

Does your husband also feel so fed up/disgruntled with the situation Sunflower2?

If so, has he "had the finance/time discussion" with his sister?

Does someone have a power of attorney (thinking both health and finance)?

I have looked back over the thread and can't seem to find the answers to these.
Apologies if I missed them.

He gets extremely fed up but also is understanding that her advanced years do affect her perspective. He also has chronic fatigue, which I don’t think she understands!

SIL has insisted only she will have POA!

Gundy

People forget that a “pat on the back and a show of gratitude/appreciation” will get you six months of free work. That’s a truism.

I’m not talking about MiL… but having it come from the SiL. I hope she is sincerely letting you know this, and you feel it. But maybe she’s not and you feel that too. It can be a terrible emotional drag.

Living 300 miles away is a journey and the times that she’s there doing things, I’m sure you are relieved and very grateful. Let her know this. (But start keeping track of your expenditures, mileage and time. You may or may not need it.)

Do not discount that MiL may be getting some dementia which may alter her thinking (paranoia setting in) and suddenly feels like you are taking advantage? Whether or not the daughter is actually talking to her mother about petrol…

I wish you the best outcome on this. Try not to let it destroy any family relationships. And to MiL - for living such a long life, I say…
Cheers and God bless you!
USA Gundy

Agree with your first sentence!

Very grateful when SIL comes.

Thank you for your kind words.

What has occurred to me is that your mil is still in her home and it hasn’t been sold for care home fees. You and your SIL will inherit this plus anything else that she has. She is very old and I think that it would be best if any money problems take place between yourselves and SIL. If this can be done in a pleasant way all the better. When she says she is on her own she is saying that two incomes is a lot more than one. Although she receives what used to be Attendance allowance she will be using that for sure just to keep herself going. Poor old thing. Having to depend on others for everything.

Hetty58: “We suspect the start of dementia. She'll suddenly demand an extra visit, at 10 pm, as she 'fancies apple pies and custard' from a certain supermarket. My friend is her carer and is there most days (yes - she gets carer's allowance).”

Yes, sometimes it’s quite funny. Her kettle wasn’t working a few weeks ago. She rang to say she wanted a cup of tea. She wanted my husband to go over having bought a new kettle so that she could have one. This was in the evening. He couldn’t go over and a carer was due. He suggested she waited and they would boil some water in the microwave. That wasn’t acceptable so asked him if I would go instead to Tesco and buy a kettle and take it over so she could have a cup of tea. The silly thing was, I was prepared to do it! And I would have! To her it was obviously very important. I do have compassion. Fortunately her carer arrived.

V3ra: “Also you said you've had to drive over there if she doesn't answer her phone. Does your mother-in-law have a red button call system in her house?”

She does. Not answering the phone doesn’t help us to know what’s going on. Some time ago she didn’t answer. After trying for an hour my husband was so worried he had to go over. He couldn’t raise her with the door bell as she’d left the keys in the door inside so he couldn’t open the door. All the knocking woke the neighbours. (It was now midnight). He called the police and an ambulance. He smashed a back door glass pane to gain access then went upstairs fearing the worst, only to find her asleep in bed. She had taken out her hearing aids and couldn’t hear the phone. (He had to cancel the emergency services) He then hoovered up the broken glass, boarded up the window and left, returning home in the early hours of the morning. The following day she had no idea what had happened and wondered why she had a broken back door.

Saggi

Just a thought but why can’t you do her food shopping on line …set up with her debit card…. and get it delivered to her door once a week. And set up a local ‘handyman’ who will do small jobs for her ., and she gets the bill for it. As for hearing tests and eye tests ……surely she could pay a carer to take her to these when necessary ( not exactly every month are they) if you let her carer know when they are they could do the extra hour or so and charge through normal channels. My mother did this and didn’t expect us to ferry her to and fro all the time. The only times we accompanied her was to hospital apps. With all this in place , our visits fortnightly to her were enjoyable and not a duty!

We could but my husband takes her sometimes as a little outing. She enjoys choosing her food and it’s some social contact.
She refuses to ask her carers to do extra jobs, saying, ‘It is not their job’. I think she feels awkward asking them. To be fair to them they are also limited in what they’re allowed to do as part of their ‘job description’.
Just to reiterate, we would willingly do what we could. The resentment is the lack of awareness of the costs involved and more recently the withdrawal, for whatever reason, of using her allowance to contribute to petrol costs.

Does your husband also feel so fed up/disgruntled with the situation Sunflower2?

If so, has he "had the finance/time discussion" with his sister?

Does someone have a power of attorney (thinking both health and finance)?

I have looked back over the thread and can't seem to find the answers to these.
Apologies if I missed them.

People forget that a “pat on the back and a show of gratitude/appreciation” will get you six months of free work. That’s a truism.

I’m not talking about MiL… but having it come from the SiL. I hope she is sincerely letting you know this, and you feel it. But maybe she’s not and you feel that too. It can be a terrible emotional drag.

Living 300 miles away is a journey and the times that she’s there doing things, I’m sure you are relieved and very grateful. Let her know this. (But start keeping track of your expenditures, mileage and time. You may or may not need it.)

Do not discount that MiL may be getting some dementia which may alter her thinking (paranoia setting in) and suddenly feels like you are taking advantage? Whether or not the daughter is actually talking to her mother about petrol…

I wish you the best outcome on this. Try not to let it destroy any family relationships. And to MiL - for living such a long life, I say…
Cheers and God bless you!
USA Gundy

Sunflower2, try to bear in mind that, at her advanced age, her mental (as well as physical) health may well be in decline. My friend's mum (88 years old) has slowly turned into a selfish, rude, ungrateful character (she used to be so nice) who simply can't see anyone else's point of view - apart from her own.

We suspect the start of dementia. She'll suddenly demand an extra visit, at 10 pm, as she 'fancies apple pies and custard' from a certain supermarket. My friend is her carer and is there most days (yes - she gets carer's allowance).

Still - her mother never has a good word to say about her!

When my Tesco driver brought my shopping one week I jokingly asked him if he could come in and put it away for me.
"We will do, though it's mainly for the elderly," was his reply.

My mother-in-law is 95 and has macular degeneration.
She has a regular Farm Foods delivery and the driver writes a huge black number on a label on each box to tell her how many minutes it needs in the microwave, before he puts the meals in her freezer for her.

So many people are happy to help if they are asked.

I think you all need to start "thinking outside the box" Sunflower2.

Also you said you've had to drive over there if she doesn't answer her phone. Does your mother-in-law have a red button call system in her house?

if the SIL is in charge of her finances, or helping with them, why can't she arrange for online shopping.
she doesn't need to be nearby to do that.

Just a thought but why can’t you do her food shopping on line …set up with her debit card…. and get it delivered to her door once a week. And set up a local ‘handyman’ who will do small jobs for her ., and she gets the bill for it. As for hearing tests and eye tests ……surely she could pay a carer to take her to these when necessary ( not exactly every month are they) if you let her carer know when they are they could do the extra hour or so and charge through normal channels. My mother did this and didn’t expect us to ferry her to and fro all the time. The only times we accompanied her was to hospital apps. With all this in place , our visits fortnightly to her were enjoyable and not a duty!

I think I'd work out how much I could afford.

Get your husband to call his sister and mum, tell them how much it is costing you on average a month. And then tell them how much you can afford, going forwards. Work out how many visits it will be a week. And then stick to it.

Remind both sister and mum that you're both retired now yourself, and that your means are also limited, given that you get no allowances to cover your costs.

You can also refuse to be an indebted servant

She can decide to live wherever she wants but you are not obliged to help her achieve it

She is a toddler having a tantrum and you have been giving her cookies and candy for 20 years