MIL won’t offer any petrol money

Does your mother -in-law's daughter, (I assume your niece), ever come to stay with her mother? If she is retired she could spend weeks at a time helping to care for her mother and perhaps might realise the expense and time involved even though she conveniently doesn't drive. I know several people like that and they always have a reason for not being able to help but are past masters at getting other people to run them around.

I was in this position but my mil was generous and always contributed in some way. We didn’t see eye to eye but she knew and was grateful( even if she didn’t say it much) about all we did for her.nit got more and more towards the end. And the sister needs to help out a bit more or shut upL

I have no experience of your situation - I was the sister living hundreds of miles away - but I understand your predicament. A 34 mile round trip is not inconsiderable, and, as someone else said, you are 20 years older than when you started. When my mother was still living independently she made quite a lot of demands on my brother despite having a couple who cleaned and gardened and shopped for her who she paid. My problem was that if I phoned and got no answer I would worry if she was ok or had maybe had a fall. If I rang my brother, who only lived about 3 miles away, he would grumble at being asked to check on her. She had no mobile phone so I couldn't know if she was out. In the end her cleaner/gardeners said if I was worried I could ring them and they would go and check despite them living further away than my brother and being much older! In the end it was a relief when she moved into a warden assisted sheltered bedsit.

Unfortunately being the distant sibling has its downsides but being the local one probably many more. Thankfully we didn't fall out over it and I certainly never told my brother what he should or shouldn't do. I do think a frank conversation with your SiL in which you relay the actualities of what you do for her, and the cost implications, may be necessary if she is influencing the situation. When resentment builds it rarely goes away but is likely to increase and spoil your relationships all round. I hope you are able to resolve this situation to everyone's satisfaction so that relationships don't suffer unnecessarily.

Can you not apply for carers allowance if you are doing all this on a regular basis I would look into it

Not unreasonable. She could, after all, outlive you! Sounds like she's taking you for granted, especially if money is not a problem for her. There may well be a hospital transport scheme she could make use of. My 96 year old mother is generous enough to give me petrol money without being asked, and insisting I take it, with sometimes extra for me or for things she needs. It shows her appreciation of my visits and what I do.

What happens if you are ill? Do you have contingency plans in case you can't drive over. It might be worth sorting out alternative drivers etc..

I venture to say that it won’t be for long, will it?My Mum was only 71 when she died. I would have loved to be able to take her places and do things for her.

you can't get carer's allowance if you are receiving state pension, which i presume OP is.

pascal30

What happens if you are ill? Do you have contingency plans in case you can't drive over. It might be worth sorting out alternative drivers etc..

This is actually a really important point -worth talking to her/with her.

What happens if you go on holiday?

My mil used to expect me to ferry her to the hospital 7 days a week to visit fil. I didn't mind hospital apps for them both and an occasional visit .but what started as a favour became a long long saga. Leaving 5.30pm and eventually home at about 10pm. She never offered petrol (not that I'd ask) or car park fees. After first week she started inviting others along too . A variety of people ...her 3 daughters, granddaughters, a son , her sister in law and an ex daughter in law. Things started to change and I became a free taxi. Ignored from the moment they slammed car door shut getting in to when they got home. ..smoking happily all the time . OH was unable to drive due to ill health.so I did it all. Its funny how we put up with things just to not cause a fuss . I did 4500 miles eventually resenting them all .

eazybee

Does your mother -in-law's daughter, (I assume your niece), ever come to stay with her mother? If she is retired she could spend weeks at a time helping to care for her mother and perhaps might realise the expense and time involved even though she conveniently doesn't drive. I know several people like that and they always have a reason for not being able to help but are past masters at getting other people to run them around.

She does come to visit sometimes (She’s my Sister-in-law) and she does do a lot of jobs while she’s there. She’s also recently taken over her mum’s finances remotely to relieve her mother of doing it! Why she’s so against her mum contributing to petrol costs I don’t know!

Maybe finances are not as good as you think
Maybe sil wants that money
Crystal ball has many answers

This is not about the money, it is about appreciation

Who has poa?

Jocork: I’m sure it’s not easy to be so far away. If the others, my SIL and BIL (who is also 300 miles away) don’t get an answer from the phone they ring us. If we don’t get an answer we have been over many times to ‘check’. Even when we’re not over there we’re still ‘on duty’. I’m sure my SIL knows the costs involved but simply thinks we should pay them.

holcombemummy60

Can you not apply for carers allowance if you are doing all this on a regular basis I would look into it

I don’t think we do enough to qualify. She would have to be less capable and/not have carers.

Kryptonite: There are various transport schemes but she’s too old to do them on her own. We couldn’t let her do that.

pascal30

What happens if you are ill? Do you have contingency plans in case you can't drive over. It might be worth sorting out alternative drivers etc..

We have been in that situation and her carers did the day to day stuff. Any appointments had to be put on hold for the duration.

Op

If your mil couldn't live in her home without your extensive help, then your dh, sil and you are enabling her

She needs to look for other living arrangements that don't put you at main carer role

Crazymum

My mil used to expect me to ferry her to the hospital 7 days a week to visit fil. I didn't mind hospital apps for them both and an occasional visit .but what started as a favour became a long long saga. Leaving 5.30pm and eventually home at about 10pm. She never offered petrol (not that I'd ask) or car park fees. After first week she started inviting others along too . A variety of people ...her 3 daughters, granddaughters, a son , her sister in law and an ex daughter in law. Things started to change and I became a free taxi. Ignored from the moment they slammed car door shut getting in to when they got home. ..smoking happily all the time . OH was unable to drive due to ill health.so I did it all. Its funny how we put up with things just to not cause a fuss . I did 4500 miles eventually resenting them all .

That’s awful! You made me realise that even if she offered and I refused I would still feel acknowledged. It’s the gesture that counts.
I hope things are easier for you now.

Hithere

Op

If your mil couldn't live in her home without your extensive help, then your dh, sil and you are enabling her

She needs to look for other living arrangements that don't put you at main carer role

She refuses! Periodically the topic is raised but she is adamant she wants to stay in her own home. I think she’s from a generation when there was an automatic assumption you’d be cared for, as she and her husband did for her own mother.

You can also refuse to be an indebted servant

She can decide to live wherever she wants but you are not obliged to help her achieve it

She is a toddler having a tantrum and you have been giving her cookies and candy for 20 years

I think I'd work out how much I could afford.

Get your husband to call his sister and mum, tell them how much it is costing you on average a month. And then tell them how much you can afford, going forwards. Work out how many visits it will be a week. And then stick to it.

Remind both sister and mum that you're both retired now yourself, and that your means are also limited, given that you get no allowances to cover your costs.

Just a thought but why can’t you do her food shopping on line …set up with her debit card…. and get it delivered to her door once a week. And set up a local ‘handyman’ who will do small jobs for her ., and she gets the bill for it. As for hearing tests and eye tests ……surely she could pay a carer to take her to these when necessary ( not exactly every month are they) if you let her carer know when they are they could do the extra hour or so and charge through normal channels. My mother did this and didn’t expect us to ferry her to and fro all the time. The only times we accompanied her was to hospital apps. With all this in place , our visits fortnightly to her were enjoyable and not a duty!

if the SIL is in charge of her finances, or helping with them, why can't she arrange for online shopping.
she doesn't need to be nearby to do that.

When my Tesco driver brought my shopping one week I jokingly asked him if he could come in and put it away for me.
"We will do, though it's mainly for the elderly," was his reply.

My mother-in-law is 95 and has macular degeneration.
She has a regular Farm Foods delivery and the driver writes a huge black number on a label on each box to tell her how many minutes it needs in the microwave, before he puts the meals in her freezer for her.

So many people are happy to help if they are asked.

I think you all need to start "thinking outside the box" Sunflower2.

Also you said you've had to drive over there if she doesn't answer her phone. Does your mother-in-law have a red button call system in her house?