MIL won’t offer any petrol money

Probably 20 years ago, it didn’t involve so much running about after her.

I can understand how you feel, especially if other family members who live away seem to get off scot free with all the jobs.

Awkward though.

This is key:
We’ve done this for over 20 years, and did much more for her before she qualified for carers.
So what has happened to you recently that made your doing less for her more expensive?
Have you both recently retired?

We are on a much reduced income since my husband retired and do similar regular 30+ mile trips to my mother in law aged 99 so I know how much energy and thought this takes up... We tend to go 3 times a week and extra if/when necessary. We always try to to tie in our "just visiting" with jobs as far as we can - for reasons of time and effort rather than fuel - but it makes sense anyway.

I suppose I feel less aggrieved than you do as my mother-in-law often offers money for petrol (which sometimes we accept and sometimes we don't). Irrespective of this, I feel at this stage I would probably "suck it up" as they say. It is not a situation that will obtain for many years now and no doubt she will be wondering why you "suddenly" want money.

If you really are finding this has a serious impact on your own finances so that you are worried about money you will have to address it as B9 suggests. In this case I'd ask your husband to call his sister (with a record of miles travelled over a week or month) and explain how much fuel this uses and the cost. I would have him tell her frankly that you can't afford this anymore and why.
Ask her if she will please consider going "halves" on this with him. Explain that asking his mum to help (even though she now has money specifically for this) is "for some reason" not working.
If she is less than enthusiastic about chipping in herself he could (innocently) ask if she would explain to their mum the reality of increased fuel costs.

I think upkeep of the car and depreciation because of the mikes we’ve racked up over years and years
was largely your choice to run a car and is mainly in the past. Unless you have the car only for your mother-in-law, I think (like Hetty, after 20 years the depreciation is irrelevant at this point.

Like Hithere, I do feel there is something more going on. Believe me I do know how frustrating it is to have to go back to find/retrieve/fix something even though my mother-in-law is clearly less demanding than yours.
Does your husband also feel so fed up/disgruntled with the situation? In our case my husband is more easily irritated than I am. I expect if it was my mother I'd be more irritated than him! I think you need to talk any disgruntlement through with your husband and see if there is a way to change how you do things a little and re-frame the tasks in your mind.
💐 for you... please don't let these last few years with his mother taint your relationship with each other. Try to be grateful that she now has the carers taking some of the strain... After all, this might have been you!

That said, M0nica has a good point regarding Power of Attorney. This definitely needs resolving before it's too late to be done easily.
Good luck.

She’s 98? I’m surprised she even knows what a petrol allowance is. For goodness sake.

I wonder if your MIL might be in the very early stages of dementia which might make her more self centred and unable to consider your situation. Also possibly suspicious of why you are asking for money now when you haven't in the past and not fully understanding your reasons why. I think it would be better to meet up with SIL to fully explain your situation and suggest splitting costs between you and not involve your MIL at this stage in her life.

well i wouldn't charge, esp for such an elderly family member.
perhaps you could use the trips to do your own shopping etc en route.
so the time and fuel usage benefits you too.
she is very old.

Sunflower2 you are not being unreasonable and there is no reason why you should not be reimbursed for your travel costs: your car sadly does not run on fresh air.
You're giving very generously of your time, it does not need to be costing you money as well.

Your sister-in-law is doing neither and is not in a position to do so; her opinion is therefore irrelevant and she has no place stirring up trouble between you, your husband and your mother-in-law.

(For what it's worth the HMRC mileage allowance rate is 45p per mile, so each round trip to your mother-in-law would "cost" you £15.30. Food for thought...).

VioletSky

I'm torn, I think perhaps you are tired of giving so much time and energy and this is being put into the petrol situation when it doesn't belong there

If you are doing too much, do less, if the petrol is too expensive, go less

But I have to say, when I was a paid carer, I got no fuel allowance

But I have to say, when I was a paid carer, I got no fuel allowance

I think that's appalling.

I have a cleaning lady - she runs errands and does shopping too, and I always give her money towards the petrol, it just seems like the right thing to do.

I'm torn, I think perhaps you are tired of giving so much time and energy and this is being put into the petrol situation when it doesn't belong there

If you are doing too much, do less, if the petrol is too expensive, go less

But I have to say, when I was a paid carer, I got no fuel allowance

I have a Golden Balls who also lived 300 miles away from 95 year old mum and everything she said was gospel especially down the phone but never in person in the middle of the night.
You are not being unreasonable but I do think people tight as they get older. I would keep your mileage records and send it to your SIL to say you’ll be claiming in very MILs estate when the inevitable happens.

Keep a log of mileage and when it hits 400 or however far a rank of petrol takes you, ask for it to be filled up.

And keep a log of your hours for the sister to see.

Presumably when you started 20 years ago, you were both working and had more money. A bit of money for petrol is a nice thank you. You're giving your time and energy for free, and the use of your car, it's not a lot to ask.
(Possibly sister and mother don't realise how expensive petrol is)

As others suggest, I would keep a mileage log, and talk it over with the sister. Perhaps she should chip in. Although at your MIL's advanced age, I don't think I would change any arrangements now, so as not to upset her.

Of course you don't mind to do things for your MIL, as you have for many years, but costs are going up, and you are most likely in retirement with limited income yourselves.

I am completely with the OP. She has helped her MiL, way beyond the point where anyone else would help.

I suggest you do what B9Exchange suggests, and if that does not work, tell your MiL and SiL what you can afford to do. Visit 3 days a week, for example and do one shop or hospital visit a month and then tell your SiL that either she will need to meet all her mother's other needs or find someone else who can do them (for a payment, by your MiL).

When you have gradually taken on more and more without really realising it and awake one day to realise that your whole life is run round an elderly relative, then it is often difficult to get that person to be willing to negotiate and reduce their demands, so it is often easier to decide in advance what you can and cannot manage and then explain to them gently and firmly that their needs are more than you can meet -and it could be a variety of reasons, which include not being able to afford the constant travel, and tell them what you can do in the future and tell relations, carers, social workers, so that they can put in systems to meet these other needs.

Do not let family, elderly relative or carers emotionally blackmail you into doing more than want to do. They are doing it from entirely selfish reasons. They do not have to anything they can foist on you.

By the way do you have Power of Attorney for your MiL. This will be essential should she become mentally incapable for any reason.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.
But, I wonder how often her daughter visits her, and if she charges? Could you possibly step back a little bit so SiL does her bit?
SiL is probably worried you're taking from her inheritance by charging, but don't let that stop you trying!!!

Does this really have to do with money?

I think there are for sure other sources of resentment

Independent Living Allowance, or PIP, like Attendance Allowance is specifically to offset some of the costs incurred by those who cannot manage on their own, it includes help with mobility issues, as well as the cost of carers. You might want to point that out to anyone who thinks you are not entitled to have some expenses reimbursed. Details on the gov.uk website.

You aren't being unreasonable, I suspect she has no idea how much it costs in petrol on all these 34 mile round trips, maybe she is out of touch with how much the price of fuel has gone up.. Does her daughter run a car? is she aware of the costs involved? I imagine when she says "there are two of you" she is referring to two pensions maybe?

I suppose she just feels resentful that you are asking, having not done so for so long, possibly that is spurred on by her daughter but from your point of view I can see how the costs for all that you do for her would clock up. Maybe keep some sort of record of your outlay on her behalf.

Good luck I can sympathise and see that this is a difficult situation for you both.

I can't help thinking that maybe you are being unreasonable, perhaps petty.

You're expecting a 98 year old to understand and appreciate your side of things. If you are so reluctant to help - or genuinely short of funds - try making other arrangements to reduce your outgoings.

You talk about things you've done in the past and even mention car depreciation - totally unfair.

No, you are not being unreasonable at all, but I fear if she has been used to free travel for the past 20 years, it will ne hard to convince her to stump up now.

You could contact your sister, tell her you can't afford any travel other than essentials such as medical visits, and suggest you split the costs of anything else between you if she doesn't want your mother paying.

But the best thing to do would be to keep a record of the date and mileage every journey you do for your Mum, add it up, work out the cost of the petrol, and calmly show your sister and your mum how much it is costing you. No recriminations, just facts, and say it is not sustainable on your pension.

Arguments often arise because the participants are not in possession of the full facts?